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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how much freedom your ten year old has?

393 replies

hollyvsivy · 25/04/2017 23:07

My daughter will be ten soon. I wouldn't say I'm super strict but it's begun to occur to me that she has way less freedom than others her age. We saw friends of hers at mcdonalds alone the other day with their iPhones in hand and make up on. Tonight we saw her friend out bike riding alone. Her other friend stays home alone while her mum takes her brother to swimming lessons. The majority have their own phones and/or tablets.

DD doesn't have a phone or tablet. She doesn't ask to use technology at home. She doesn't wear make up. She has never been out alone or with friends alone and I still don't like her going to the toilet alone in public places Blush

Seeing as she's happy with how things are (and doesn't have the awful attitude a lot of her friends do!) AIBU to continue this way for as long as possible, or should I be encouraging her to grow up a bit? How much freedom does your ten year old have?

OP posts:
Mumzypopz · 26/04/2017 11:55

And anyway, i wasn't talking about a ten year old being home alone for a half hour snatch, more those left alone for hours and having to cook themselves a meal.

Natsku · 26/04/2017 11:55

Yeah it's like you say cory children are taught to and expected to focus on what they are doing from a young age and are given freedom and responsibility. I still see 10 year olds take out boats alone, going swimming in the lake with friends and most look after themselves in the afternoons after school from 9 years old, if not younger.

And the child protection workers approve of this independence and responsibility - I know this because DD has a social worker and I talk to her about everything I let DD do.

Motherbear26 · 26/04/2017 12:00

It depends on the child. My DS is 11 and has never really bothered about doing things independently. He got a phone at the beginning of Y6. I was against the idea but it's actually been great. He only texts his closest friends and DH and I. We check his phone and it's all very harmless. I've just started letting him walk to the local shop and back and go out on his bike by himself for short periods as I suddenly realised he's at secondary soon (pfb, he'd never left my sight before that, poor kid). After being a bit shocked that he is 'allowed' to do these things by himself he's really enjoying his little bit of freedom, which did make me feel terrible for not suggesting it a bit sooner. Funnily enough, and this is not a dig op, genuinely happened, I realised I was probably sheltering him too much when he was shocked at a couple of approx 14 year olds being out in our local town without an adultBlush. I am overprotective and hate him being out of sight. With all the awful things you hear I'm on tenterhooks until he is home safely but I know that he's ready and of course I don't let him see how anxious I am. I don't ever want him to feel the fear that I do, it's important to me that he is aware but not frightened and that's what DH and I have tried to instill. There hasn't yet been a need for him to stay home alone, although I know he would be fine, and he doesn't particularly want to go out alone with friends. I think the longer outings will come soon enough in Y7. He is very sensible, not at all easily led but just not that independent yet.
My 8 year old DD on the other hand has already demanded her own phone as she is apparently the only one in her class without one (we said no). Ditto her own You Tube channel (again, no). Insists on walking herself into school from the car park (I walk behind her as I'm pretty sure that would be frowned upon by the school). She has my phone or the iPad for at least an hour every night facetiming her friends and is forever wanting to wear my brightest lipsticks and eyeshadows (only in the house). She constantly asks when she will be allowed to do all of the above and go out alone. She is very giddy, silly and easily led in a group and I dread the day I have to let her out of my sight. And I am pretty sure that day will be rather earlier for her than for my DS. In short, she is a clingy parents worst nightmare. I think this is my payback for mollycoddling my first born a bit too muchWink

Mumzypopz · 26/04/2017 12:03

Natsku....I don't think all child protection workers think the same, it could be different from social worker to social worker and authority to authority. I personally wouldn't want to take the risk. There are plenty of horror stories of kids being taken into care for what they think is abandonment etc.things differ from family to family and each to their own I say. Our school provides after school care for kids up to the end of year Six. Those that don't use it, have childminders instead.

Bythebeach · 26/04/2017 12:04

Hmmm no phone/tablet sounds fine - there's plenty of time for those and as she's not interested there is no reason why she'd need one. Some gradual introduction to independence would be good. So at 10 I was starting to send DS1 to the end of the road to the Sainsbury's local for milk etc (3 min walk, one road to cross which I watched him do from window the first few times) and beginning to leave him at home for 20 mins at a time (we did talk thru scenarios for doorbell, phone calls, fire etc first). Now, at 12, he'd be fine for half a day (although I have only needed to leave him for a 2/3 hours at most so far) and he gets the bus to school as many secondary kids do. He is also encouraged to make his own packed lunches, make simple meals (pasta, jacket potato) and will run the hoover in the lounge etc I think it is all just slowly building up life skills and going out with friends is part of that but only a part.

Mumzypopz · 26/04/2017 12:07

Sorry should have said, some kids do walk home alone, but i don't think all are alone when they get there. Ie a parent is at home. I think that changes a lot when they get to year seven round here. The school won't let kids walk home from after school club, they have to be collected.

thegreylady · 26/04/2017 12:09

I guess my 10 year old dgs has no freedom! He and his 8 year old brother play in the field behind the house and occasionally friends join them. He has been left playing football with friends in the park for half an hour. He has no phone, never goes to shops etc and school is a car ride away. The family swims, cycles, walks and climbs and he plays for football, rugby and cricket teams. He has about the same degree of freedom as his friends both boys and girls.

corythatwas · 26/04/2017 12:14

Mumzypopz Wed 26-Apr-17 11:52:29
"I just wouldn't want my ten year old upset if he had burnt himself!"

Would he get more upset over a small burn to the hand than over a bruised elbow at football or a grazed knee when falling off his bike? Or are you saying you don't let him get hurt in any way ever? At 10?

Or how badly burnt do you think people normally get just taking a cake out of the oven?

I absolutely agree that children should not be at home for hours cooking. I specifically mentioned a short time. Oven fires do start. But not usually in such a short space. As for not hearing with headphones, that is what I meant about children either growing up knowing they have to concentrate or not.

corythatwas · 26/04/2017 12:15

My ds was rather younger when he accidentally tried to boil milk in the kettle -culturally unaccustomed to kettles, so didn't know they are for milk only. But he was quite clued up enough at 9 to notice there was a funny smell and unplug the kettle. It may have been ruined but nobody was scared or upset.

corythatwas · 26/04/2017 12:16

sorry: for water only

you can tell that I am culturally unaccustomed to kettles

Natsku · 26/04/2017 12:17

The social workers have guidelines though and they operate in teams so the entire team knows about DD (I meet with the team sometimes too) and as the situation with children is similar across the country and indeed the whole Nordic I am 100% confident that a child won't be taken away for having the level of freedom DD has.

justwait · 26/04/2017 12:18

Last time I left dd (10) for an hour she made a batch of cupcakes! Finding it hard to see that ss would want to get involved! They had little candied rose petals and everything Grin

Mumzypopz · 26/04/2017 12:23

Corey...I wouldn't want him burnt or upset and be on his own when it happens. If course he has accidents, but usually there is an adult present, who could administer first aid or such like. How do you explain to a teacher when she asks how he got that burn....Do you say oh he was cooking his tea and got burnt on the oven. I should imagine they would be thinking of making a referral!!!

Mumzypopz · 26/04/2017 12:24

Just wait.....That's sweet, but i bet a lot of people would be thinking oh you left her in charge of an oven?! I'm sure this isn't just me?

Mumzypopz · 26/04/2017 12:26

Corey...That's great for your son not being scared or upset...Mine would be. All kids are different you know.

corythatwas · 26/04/2017 12:28

When dd was seen by SS here in the UK, they raised as a matter of concern that she was still going to a childminder's after school; they felt I was failing to develop her independence. I had to explain that the layout of our doorway and her degree of disability meant she could not get into the house without an adult present.

justwait · 26/04/2017 12:28

No, she didn't even ask me! She was very proud of the cupcakes! Didn't have the heart to moan about the oven. I did say you must make sure to switch it off as soon as you've finished. TBH ovens are not really dangerous?

Floggingmolly · 26/04/2017 12:29

10 year old's unaccompanied in McDonalds in full makeup is nothing to aspire to Confused
I'd feel a lot sorrier for the kids of people who thinks that's normal.

justwait · 26/04/2017 12:29

She's seen me use it often enough, she doesn't want to burn herself and she's sensible.

Mumzypopz · 26/04/2017 12:30

Natsku...So you live in the Nordic....Well that's entirely different then. Children who have social workers in the UK, usually do so because there is a concern in the first place. I'm pretty sure social workers in my authority would have a concern about six year olds out wandering or getting to school on their own. Sorry.

justwait · 26/04/2017 12:30

10 year old's unaccompanied in McDonalds in full makeup is nothing to aspire to

Maybe not. To my 14 year old it is literal life

Natsku · 26/04/2017 12:31

That's the thing though mumzy, where I live and where cory comes from (neighbouring countries I think) children are raised to cope with things, with having responsibility, and that starts from a young age, its not an accident that cory's son figured out what you do.

corythatwas · 26/04/2017 12:32

Mumzypopz Wed 26-Apr-17 12:26:46
"Corey...That's great for your son not being scared or upset...Mine would be. All kids are different you know."

yes, but I also think it is a question of expectations.

in most other countries, including all of Europe, 10yos do play outside without the constant presence of adults

this naturally means that they sometimes fall over and mildly hurt themselves: grazed knees, bruises, small cuts

the reason they don't all panic without an adult is because they haven't been told there is anything frightening in having a small accident without an adult

they have all been taught how to clean up a cut or put a plaster on, and they just think of it as a normal thing

I repeat, the normal kind of burn you would get from taking a cake out is no bigger than one of the ordinary minor injuries of childhood: no reason a teacher or a SW would ever see it

justwait · 26/04/2017 12:34

Dd had been scraping her knees and putting her own plasters on since she was 6!

Natsku · 26/04/2017 12:35

DD has a social worker because she has had behavioural and emotional difficulties ('broken' home and mentally ill father) - I asked for help. Social workers aren't just for concerns about parents but also for children who need extra support. (and funnily enough, increasing her freedom has been one of the things that has really helped with DD's problems, her social worker has always encouraged me to let her go a bit more)