to ask how much freedom your ten year old has?

[hollyvsivy]

My daughter will be ten soon. I wouldn't say I'm super strict but it's begun to occur to me that she has way less freedom than others her age. We saw friends of hers at mcdonalds alone the other day with their iPhones in hand and make up on. Tonight we saw her friend out bike riding alone. Her other friend stays home alone while her mum takes her brother to swimming lessons. The majority have their own phones and/or tablets.

DD doesn't have a phone or tablet. She doesn't ask to use technology at home. She doesn't wear make up. She has never been out alone or with friends alone and I still don't like her going to the toilet alone in public places

Seeing as she's happy with how things are (and doesn't have the awful attitude a lot of her friends do!) AIBU to continue this way for as long as possible, or should I be encouraging her to grow up a bit? How much freedom does your ten year old have?

Y5, 10 yr old DD here. Sensible and reliable if a bit scatty. She can:

go to loo on own when out
go into shops on own and buy things
cross a car park!
walk home from school on own/with a friend (about 1/4 mile, 1 large-ish road with a crossing)
go to local shop/park alone
walk to some friends' houses alone (prearranged with parents)
go to the 8-14 swimming session at the local pool with friends (confident swimmer).

I would not want her wearing make-up at age 10, personally, and luckily it isn't something she's expressed any interest in. She doesn't have a phone/own tech at home - though has use of ours. She'll get a phone sometime in Y6 in preparation for secondary.

It is a difficult balance to strike at this age. I would definitely be encouraging a reluctant 10 year old to walk across a car park/use a restaurant loo alone, I think, but I'd also be pleased my DD didn't want to hang out in McDonalds!

Just had a look at the burn dd sustained from an oven yesterday

(before you all get worried, dd is 20 years old and a trained barrista)

it looks like small chafe

in my experience that is what oven-related burns do look like

nothing that would draw anyone's attention

I have a lovely 10yo DD

1. She has a phone & tablet BUT I regularly check history/messages on both with my daughters agreement.

1. She loves makeup and wears it in the house BUT washes it off to go outside.

1. She goes to local shops/friends house BUT not to the local park with dodgy unsupervised kids or elsewhere without adult supervision .

1. She stays at home on her own BUT only when we are both sure she us happy to do so.

hollyvsivy

Sounds like your 10yo is very sheltered atm. I would be concerned about lack of crossing roads on her own at her age. But everything else you mention is your choice.

I expect you will need to work at building her self confidence in order to travel to and from high school next year.

Mumzypopz Wed 26-Apr-17 12:30:49
"Natsku...So you live in the Nordic....Well that's entirely different then. Children who have social workers in the UK, usually do so because there is a concern in the first place. "

We live in the UK. Dd had SW because of disability, her bf had one because of bereavement. Both highly functional families. Concerns can be about all sorts of things, not just bad parenting.

But natsku and Corey, you are talking about what goes on in different countries. I'm talking about expectations here in the UK. Teachers and social workers here would be concerned at kids getting burnt cooking their own tea. It's their job to be concerned. It probably is entirely different elsewhere. My child has had lots of accidents and a few whilst out on his bike, but he has still come home crying to me, wanting comfort. Perhaps he's a bit if a crybaby, but like I said, all kids are different. Anyway, it's not just burns from ovens that might occur if cooking their tea on their own, they might drop a pan of boiling water all over themselves or accidentally leave a clothe on the hob causing a massive fire. Or not cook meat for long enough. The possibilities are endless. I'm coming across as a massive worrier, of course, nothing at all might happen, but I wouldn't want to take that risk.

Dd2 is 10 and cycles/walks to school and back, it's a mile, either by herself or she calls for her chum. She has my old mobile in her bag, she often will call me after school and ask to go to X's house. Which is fine if it's a friend who lives between school and our house...I wouldn't want her heading off in the other direction due to the area (much busier with traffic and she doesn't really know the area as well).

She is happy to stay at home whilst I collect/take a sibling somewhere or go to the shops. She's probably been left for an hour but would happily stay longer, badly notices I'm gone tbh, she's got her head stuck in Minecraft!

On the flip side...my elder daughter is nearly 14 and only just getting confident enough to be left at home for 15 mins . She does though have all the same freedoms and takes the train to school etc etc

It might just be that your dd is young for her age, which is no bad thing. By the last year of primary they should be getting used to going to school themselves, to the shops etc and believe me when she wants her own phone she'll soon let you know

DS1 is 9. He has a lot less freedom than I did at his age, but the world is a very different place now too.

He has no phone of his own, no tablet of his own - he's allowed to use mine when he wants to play a game but doesn't have unlimited access. We have no PS or Wii thing in the house - neither DH nor I are big into computer games, so we have never invested.

He's not allowed to walk to school by himself because we have a terribly busy main road between us and the school and I know he's still a dilly-daydream a lot of the time. Also, there's a move here in Aus (maybe just NSW) to prevent primary school children under a certain age walking to school unaccompanied - don't know how far that's going though. There have been several reports of children being approached in our area by unknowns in cars, so it's a bit of a hot issue here at the moment.

He doesn't play out because where we live, there's nowhere to do it - front of us is a busy main road, as mentioned and behind us is a narrow service road that people use as a cut-through - just not safe at all. But we have a big garden that he and DS2 play out in (gated and fenced). No, I wouldn't let him go out with friends on his own at this stage, but I have left him at home on his own for short periods because even though he's a dilly day-dream, he's also a sensible child and wouldn't do anything risky. Wouldn't leave him with DS2 though, that would be a recipe for disaster! DS2 is a very different prospect.

I expect I will let him have a phone when he goes to high school, not least because it might be one a bit of a distance and a train ride away; but I see no reason for him to need one until then. He's getting his own laptop for his 10th birthday, because he'll need it for school apart from anything else, but it will be locked up very tightly!

He's a happy, confident, outgoing child who isn't particularly nervous or anxious about anything, so I'm quite happy with the way things are going so far. But then, his peers don't do much different that I've noticed. It's a bit different here though, people are more widely spaced apart a lot of the time, unlike when I was a child and had 3 friends within a 2 minute walk!

Ds has just turned 10 and scoots or walks to school and back. Roughly a mile each way. He has been going to the loo etc when we're out for ages. Dd is 6 and goes to public loos alone if I'm nearby and it's not madly busy.

Ds is allowed to go to the park with his friends but only for 45 minutes or so and only to the park he's told me he's going to. Some of his friends are allowed to go out and just occupy themselves for hours wandering around - I don't let ds do that but I don't think he'd want to. He plays in our street for hours though.

I think you need to let them have freedom especially by the age of 10. You're not doing her any favours by not letting her learn about risk and coping.

if dd went in and said I burnt myself on the oven making cupcakes the teachers wouldn't think anything of it

there might be the odd one in the staff room who might have a gossip

they would not be calling social services unless she was obviously unhappy/unclean/unfed

Haven't read all of the the thread but I really don't understand why the OP has been given such a hard time here. I'm surprised at how many people are comfortable leaving their 10 year olds home alone. At what age are you allowed to leave children home alone in the UK? I live in a different country (where kids are generally given lots of freedom) and it's illegal to leave a child under the age of 14.

I think all children are different, there's a difference between keeping them safe for their own good, and wrapping them up in cotton wool.

If you live In a dangerous area or are surrounded by busy roads, then it's not in the child's best interests to let them roam free, But if you live in a safe area, and all the children are out playing on the grass outside whilst yours is locked inside then it can be mentally damaging.
My DP was never allowed to play outside, he was out in bed at 6pm aged 10, and he'd have to watch and hear children playing in the summer holidays while he was in bed, and he'll never forget that.

We have a park opposite our house that I can see from all back windows of our house, so my 11 yo takes her sister who's 7, to the park now and again, with me checking regularly out the window. My 11yo is very mature for her age and very protective of her sister, so I feel I can trust them both to pop to the park for 20 mins.

Just wait....Teachers would definitely be raising an eyebrow if they knew you weren't there. You say yourself they would be having a bit of a gossip....They'd be saying so and so burnt herself on the oven, left home alone cooking, do you think i should do anything about it? They would not be ignoring it trust me.

Cory is in the UK though Mumzy, and it sounds like you maybe worry a bit too much, by 10 they should be a bit more capable. I read reading the news yesterday about a school in Helsinki that has their class of 8 year olds do a tea ceremony every day which involves high levels of focus and concentration (and quiet - no messing about) as well as pouring boiling water. Even in nursery a couple of years ago DD was using hammer and nails and learning to concentrate on what she was doing so she wouldn't injure herself.

In the old days, kids would come home at 10 yrs old while mum was at work...make themselves dinner and do their homework etc
No wonder So many stay at home for 35 years nowadays. I know men in their 30's who are less capable then my children and I don't give my children that much freedom either.

Ps kids do cooking at school, they also know how to call 999, mums mobile, run to a neighbours house etc.

My DD 10. is desperate to have her own iPhone so she can play on apps etc and message friends. After long honest chats of why I don't want her to yet (i.e. Having that break from school friends at home and possibly not being mature enough to deal with some of the nasty comments of group chats) she has actually agreed she doesn't want one yet......not sure how much longer! She uses the family iPad and computer but never in bedroom. She walks to and from school but is quite nervous about going to the local shop alone. I think it also depends on the child's confidence. My DS 8 and DD both go swimming alone and get changed. The pool let's 8 and over in so fine with that. They public loos are my bug bearer too. My job involves child protection and the "cases" you hear are scary but rare to be a stranger. I don't like my DS using male public loos and he still comes with me or if swimming told him to use the ladies!😳 Don't think there is any right from wrong but I do think that kids grow up too quickly and just aren't equipped emotionally when things backfire. Good luck Op I think your daughter will be fine. Maybe some little trips to a shop or post a letter may start to give her confidence around roads etc

My ds is 11 in year 6 and my other ds is 10 in year 5.
They both have tablets, they both go out to play where we live. Ds11 has phone, he walks to school and back again and is home alone for an hour or so.
All their friends go out and play on their own. They don't wear makeup tho. They do do their hair however.
Think they are pretty normal

My DD is 10 and a bit and I consider her "young" for her age.

She has friends, she has pretty much unlimited access to an IPad (except at night) and she is a good swimmer.

But she is not really ready to go to McDonald's with her friends on her own and she has never asked for a personal phone and she would not want to go swimming without an adult.

I don't consider her socially behind but she is definitely on the younger end of the scale.

We have encouraged her to go to the corner shop by herself and down trial runs but she doesn't feel ready and nor does she push for it.

It sounds like the OP might be being a little over cautious and her DD needs to learn some basic traffic safety so she can cross roads and car parks, but I would not be concerned.

My 10nyear old DS is in Year 6. He has an ipad but not a phone - he will have one when he goes to secondary school in September.

He swims on his own when I am in the gym in the same building.

We don't allow him to wander around the village on his own - with his 12 year old brother, yes.

He would not be allowed to go into town alone with his friends.

We are only just allowing his elder brother to do this on Friday for the first time and I am already a bit antsy about it. Gotta let them go though haven't you?

The 10 year old boy I mentioned upthread can light a wood burning fire himself and produce a creditable cappuccino using a Gaggia machine. He can use a kettle to make me a cuppa but he isn't ever left alone in the house to do these things.

Could do with the advice on this thread so saving (or is it called bumping?).

My 10 year old experiments with make up and has an iPhone (inherited from me) and an iPad (literally inherited from a cousin that died). She doesn't go out on her own or with friends unsupervised.
Interestingly we were talking about this on the walk to school this morning. She was in high dudgeon when I queried her road sense. Other pals walk unaccompanied to school. None had a tricky road crossing to do. We have.
I will be trying more to let her know that she makes the decisions crossing the road while I'm with her. We'll take it from there.
I would absolutely not let her go into town with pals. There is too much antisocial behaviour where we live.

For what it's worth, apart from going round the corner myself to a friend's at that age and riding my bike around at that age (mid 70s - less traffic), my parents were pretty strict about what I could do and where I could go.
Same at secondary school. no make up until I was 14.
As an adult I have travelled all over the world (pre internet/mobile phones) and don't feel I was scarred or inhibited by my parents ' caution.

My 10 year old is still in p6. He has a second hand smart phone which shares my phone package, he goes to the park/friends houses. He will stay home for an hour or so once in a while. He also has walked to school on his own but tends to walk with me as I take his brother who is 6. He also has his own xbox one and live account to chat to school friends.

My DD is 11....she just got a phone last Christmas. I finally cracked....

But she's been allowed out on her own now for a couple of years. We live in a village, in a cul-de-sac, with lots of other children & everyone knows each other.

She has been going to the local shop since she was 8. The park (a 10 minute walk) only in the last year.

She does not wear make up & she certainly is not wearing it for a good couple of years yet - I'm quite strict about that. I don't mind a bit of mascara & lip gloss for the school disco.

Swimming - well, she's been dropped off at the pool on the odd occasion over the past two years.

She comes home from school & is on her own for about an hour before I get back.

I'm more than happy with all of this & the valuable life skills she is learning from doing it. She's pretty sensible & assertive. Her younger sister might not get quite so much freedom (at similar ages) as she's a bloody liability!

Sorry natsku and Corey, my mistake, when natsku said Corey was in a neighbouring country to her, i presumed you knew each other and were from a country next to Norway. I don't worry overly, I just make safe judgements based on what I hear. I think there are lots of people on this thread who would not want their ten yr old home alone, cooking. There was a seven year old near me who was often in the local park, alone for hours on end. A lot of parents used to talk about it. I would be very surprised if no one ever reported it to social services, or if nothing ever happened to that child.