to ask how much freedom your ten year old has?

[hollyvsivy]

My daughter will be ten soon. I wouldn't say I'm super strict but it's begun to occur to me that she has way less freedom than others her age. We saw friends of hers at mcdonalds alone the other day with their iPhones in hand and make up on. Tonight we saw her friend out bike riding alone. Her other friend stays home alone while her mum takes her brother to swimming lessons. The majority have their own phones and/or tablets.

DD doesn't have a phone or tablet. She doesn't ask to use technology at home. She doesn't wear make up. She has never been out alone or with friends alone and I still don't like her going to the toilet alone in public places

Seeing as she's happy with how things are (and doesn't have the awful attitude a lot of her friends do!) AIBU to continue this way for as long as possible, or should I be encouraging her to grow up a bit? How much freedom does your ten year old have?

Haven't read the whole thread, but obviously it has to be based on lots of factors. Geography is one. We live in a suburban town. Pretty safe. The odd speedy driver. Childs personality/abilities/common sense are another.
I have a Y5 10 year old. I'm gradually allowing him more freedom. He has to prove to me he can check in (phone) when I've asked him to, and return when I ask him to.
He is allowed to the park on his own or with friends (park is a five minute walk from home)
He is allowed to walk to the local shop as long as he is with friends. That's more like 15 minutes walk.
He isn't yet allowed to take his bike out on his own (because he isn't all that confident on it and he's more likely to come a cropper on a bike than on foot)
He has a watch phone that he uses to contact me.
He is allowed to stay home if we are out for short periods and not far from home ourselves. (Such as when I take his brother to piano lessons)
He owns his own tablets (but is only allowed restricted usage time)
He is allowed to walk to school alone (but again, its only a 5 minute walk)

Its entirely up to you how you introduce 'freedom' to your child. I am aware though that secondary school looms ever closer and they need to be prepared for it, especially if they are going to have to make their own way there. I know that a lot of parents despise technology and believe me its a constant battle to keep him off it the entire time, but in other ways its brilliant. I can get in touch with him wherever he is which is a great weight off my chest and allows me to give him that bit of freedom without completely letting go.

Its fine, I know I'm very lucky in my area (and the size and style of houses means its all families or grandparents living in my area) though DD had a lot of freedom when we lived in the town centre too but that was still quiet and calm.

two points to make. 1) there is a sizeable difference between allowing younger kids to play out or not depending on socioeconomic class. In more well off areas its not the done thing.
2) at younger ages the biggest cause of mortality is cancer. as kids get older traffic accidents take over. when kids get to about 12 they tend to hang about in groups and don't take enough care on the road. if they haven't had some sensible road experience prior they can quite frankly be a liability.
we live in a naice area when its not common to let kids play out. But I have started to let me 9YO walk to the shops and do errands like that for himself. He loves it and it helps his road sense. its not common among his peers though as we all fucking mollycoddle the lot of em.

when i was a kid I was walking to school from 6 (no roads) and at 7 definitely went to the park without adults, every day (2 roads, rough area). it was a kind of 'come back at dinner time' culture in our neighbourhood. but no, i wouldn't let my 9YO do that now!

I totally agree, 10YO wearing make up (beyond parties) is too much. and no, i wouldn't ket me kids socialise alone at macdonalds at 10. YNBU OP but YABU about not letting her cross a car park! when will she learn?

They change a lot Year 5 and 6. I've started leaving mine for short periods now she is yr 6 11. She has also called for friends on estate and played out last 3 years. She goes to shop at top of street with other friends. There is a range of normal. I'm conscious she will be on bus to school in September.
A mum at school treats her yr 6 dc much younger and it is noticeable, she is planning on driving her to and from secondary school. Another child at school yr 4 is treated like a baby. Both stand out as they are so different from the norm.
I'd start small and build up. Chat and reassure daughter eg children can swim alone from 8, see the pool rules.

Mine is a well-off area as well (all home owners in detached houses)

Dixie ...Children can swim with no supervision at age eight, but I think the leisure centre expects the parent to at least be in the centre, perhaps watching from the viewing area or something and around to help them get changed afterwards. Paedophiles have been known to frequent pools and spot children alone quite easily. I once went in a changing cubicle with my daughter and a man was peeping over the top at her. He hadn't expected me to be in with her.

My 8 yo goes to the shops around a mile away for me. She takes the school bus to her school alone sometimes too (bus stop is a mile and a half away they don't stop at houses). I'm sorry but if your DD hasn't crossed a road by the age of 10 she is definitely too sheltered.

DD is 11, and in Y5 equivalent. She has been increasing her levels of independence over the past 18 months or so, to the point of now coming home following afterschool activities twice a week at 4pm (we get in at 6), and being happy to stay home alone at night for 1 hour while I get to pilates class locally if DH is away (only about 1/2 classes per term as he's here most weeks).

She likes technology and has a tablet since Christmas and an ipod for a few years but they have been well treated and are very much just a part of her overall methods to amuse herself. She is still very much a tree climber, soccer player, sailing mad, board game playing, tv watching and becoming a music loving, young girl. Who is quite the tomboy so makeup doesn't enter into it! (I can barely make her wear a skirt/dress for really formal requirements, generally its tracksuits or shorts that she wears - she has very long hair and that's the only concession to being a girl that she has!).

She "owned" a phone for the past 6 years, having won it in a raffle but it was used by au pairs until this school year. As she had started to come home alone from school ahead of us (school is 10 minutes walk at her pace, crossing no roads and mostly in our housing estate, she was coming home from afterschool club on site 10 minutes earlier than my train gets in), she was given the phone in case she needed it. She also started the year getting lifts to hockey in a different school once a week, but there is a big group of girls from her class who walk together (a separate group of 6th class girls, and a separate group of boys) so she started walking with them, and either DH, DAunt or I collect her there afterwards (we make her ring/text to say she's arrived at hockey school).

Due to bullying issues, she changed afterschool club for 2 days/week so I have to collect her from there (distance). She was coming home at 5.30pm from the previous afterschool everyday, and now comes home at 4pm twice a week, making herself a snack and doing her homework, then relaxing and maybe doing a few jobs around the house. She is very competent to use the oven and make a pizza or fishcake, and also using the microwave for soup etc. She happily makes knorr quick meals (carbonara is a favourite) by pouring in the boiling water and stirring (real pot noodle type things, but they're better than just crisps). Or to make a tuna melt or ham and cheese toastie in the grill. She's not confident yet turning on the hob, as that's gas, so doesn't do that when we're not around.

We got a remote control fob for the alarm for her to use, rather than telling her the code. And she has her phone. Once she's at home, there is a list of phonenumbers for emergencies on the wall (had it for years for au pairs of babysitters to use) and the housephone or mobile. She knows all the neighbours well and will go to them if she needs something.

She had started by being allowed to walk or cycle to the local store for a bottle of milk if we needed one - we used to walk with her and she really started to push wanting to go alone on occasion. Again a straightforward safe route - 1 road to cross at a traffic lights and 1 which we talked about how to do without us beforehand. She also goes from the Scout Den to the petrol station over the railway tracks (footbridge) to buy her lunch at the end of Cubs meetings on Saturdays, as I am often stuck talking to parents (I'm a leader) and she only has an hour before going to sailing on the same pier. She comes back to the Den to eat and change while I tidy up - she must check in with me that she's back before finding a quiet spot to eat/chat to other leaders kids still around.

On her bike, DH had taught her how to cycle and how to cycle on roads. And they did lessons in school this year as well. It gradually evolved from going to her friend on the street, being allowed to the cul-de-sac on the other side of the green, being allowed down to the next green to another friend, going to school with DH, going to school alone and now going to the local shop. But that was gradually over a long time as her skills and confidence and roadsense built up, and our ability to loosen the reins improved as well.

More often than not, I am still going into the ladies anyway as well, but she was more reluctant than me to move into a separate cubicle (probably about age 8/9) - we just didn't push it, but gave her the confidence to do it eventually (there was a while where we both went in, she'd do whatever she needed and head out to wash her hands while I'd go, then I'd follow her out). And she will generally be happy enough now to head off alone if she needs to - particularly if it's somewhere she knows.

So while she pushed on some things, it wasn't on everything. Some of her friends have started to skip hockey in the past few weeks, ringing parents instead to ask could they go to the local library and do homework instead. It's easy to get to, but still DD hasn't wanted to do it and I'm not sure I'm ready to let her yet (even apart from skipping an activity, just going to the library in the town part) - but it will probably happen next year. And we already know that she won't have any afterschool club next year, that she will be coming home from afterschool activities instead everyday (well, still 1 day/week having someone collect her from hockey but otherwise...).

It's very much the norm for kids to play out where I live, and I don't think we live in an area that most people would consider to be 'lower socio economic class'. It's a modern estate of privately owned detached and semi detached houses. And the even bigger more expensive houses in the other estates locally also have children running round in the early evening in summer. It's all very heartwarming stuff, seeing them build dens in the gardens etc.

I would have thought a 10yo at home cooking is a concern if you have reason to suspect that this is a generally neglected child who has to look after herself because nobody else does.

Which is very different to a well looked after and well trained child who is doing the first (safe) stage of daddy's birthday meal while mum runs down to the shops to get a forgotten ingredient, or making herself some toast because she really didn't feel like coming shopping in the rain.

SWs naturally tend to get more experience of the first category. But would, one hopes, have the good sense to recognise the second category if presented to them.

Oh, I meant to add that on evenings, I only leave her if it is a fast trip for milk to the shop, or if it's the arranged pilates class. After both of which, I go straight upstairs to her to let her know I am back. She is happy in her bed, but is rarely asleep those nights (not unusual in itself - but particularly noticeable those nights that she needs to know I'm back). As I say, I only have about 1 or 2 classes per term when DH is also away that this needs to happen and it only started since Christmas (I am finally back to getting some exercise!).

Other things, like other meetings etc, either take place when DH is home to stay in or when I have a babysitter.

In fact, I'd say it's our kids who do get to play out because we live in quiet club de sacs with no traffic, whereas the 'council estates' at the other end of town have traffic coming through and the kids don't get to play out.

My 11 year old goes to the fun swim with his friends on a Saturday afternoon. They love it. It's only an hour or so and there's plenty more weekend for us to do family things.
I leave him home for short periods and let him go to the shop by himself.
I'm all for teaching independence.

Not sure why people are slagging off a 10 year old.

I'm following this with interest as I have a 4yo DD and a 10yo DN (who spends a lot of time with me).

I get panicky when DN went to the toilet by herself when we went to the cinema.

Not going to a toilet alone is ridiculous at 10.

Cory...There's a big difference between making a piece of toast and cooking food on the job or in the oven. Ten year olds get distracted and might either wonder off back to a game or simply forget that they may have put food in the oven. I often forget food cooking when distracted, so i wouldn't trust my ten year old not to. I'd hate to think of him in a state if the fire alarm goes off or a fire start, or burn himself. If something were to happen to a ten yr old cooking, the first thing people would say us "what on earth was he doing home alone, allowed to cook", whether he came from a rough estate or not. It can be classed as neglect or abandonment. I know it becomes normal for a lot of people, but it's not always normal for social workers and I wouldn't want to take that risk.

The toilet thing I get. People underestimate the amount of children molested in toilets.
I allow my 11 year old to go alone, but I'm always nearby and watchful of the time she's in a public loo and ha e been known to call in and check she's ok.

Hob, not job, sorry.

My daughter has just turned 8. We let her go to the loo in restaurants by herself and she has Ginevra a park by herself or crossed the road and gone to the shop by herself BUT I have been very nearby and it's been in a small village.

I think small steps like this are useful

CMOTDribbler, it does seem like a huge leap, especially for those who are only just 9 by September.

It can make for a bit of a strange situation, one daughter of friends who work gets off the bus and walks on her own to a childminder, past her own house, where she has to wait for her mum to collect her an hour later.

I will have to make similar arrangements for DS when he's in year 5, or let him stay at home alone for about an hour until DH gets in. Surely he'll be too young for that at just over 9 though?

As I said, this is interesting.

Mumzy on the flip side there are ten year olds all over the country cooking for their parents because the parent is disabled and yet social services are fine with that.

Depends on him AnnPerkins, don't think about his age, think about whether you think he could handle being home alone for an hour. For what its worth where I live there's no after school care for 9 year olds and older because they're expected to manage a couple of hours home alone by that age.

In my child's peer group at school the child with the most freedom (and the only one who is allowed to stay at home for the afternoon and make himself potato waffles or beans on toast) is the child of...two child protection social workers They are very adamant that giving them freedom at this age is important for their long term safety, and presumably they are more clued in than most of us as to what might be considered neglect.

Mumzypot, I do see what you mean. At the same time, if you are leaving a 10yo for half hour snatches, it is unlikely that they can start a fire simply by leaving the oven on. A 10yo should be fully capable of setting the timer on the oven. And to turn the fire alarm off for that matter, if it should go off when there is no fire.

I was brought up in Scandinavia (where iirc is also where Natsku is doing her parenting) and there children are expected to be far more involved in grown-up things. By age 10 I was taking the boat out on my own, I was baking cakes on my own- like Scandinavian children still do. They are brought up to think that you have to concentrate on what you do. It would never have occurred to me not to moor the boat properly or not to check for signs of coming weather. And I notice this has never been a problem for my nephews and nieces either.

As for burning yourself, are small burns on your hands when taking a cake out actually any worse for a 10yo than for a 40yo? Is it worse than grazing your knee when you fall out of a tree or come off your bike? How likely is it that you could get a major burn just by taking something out of the oven?

I just wouldn't want my ten year old upset if he had burnt himself. And I wouldn't want to have to explain it to a teacher or social worker either. Of course a fire can start by food being left in the oven too long. Oven fires start all the time. If your child has headphones on, they won't hear an oven buzzer.