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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be batshit cross that my dc has had to sign a contract saying he will play with a child at school?

503 replies

GibbonMinstrel · 25/04/2017 16:00

There's a long history.

My ds is shy, geeky. Knows what he likes -very academic/not great socially There's a bulldozer child who is his opposite. Alpha mum, jazz hands, sporty, darling-darling who is related to a staff member.

This other child has worked his way through his class bullying kids, controlling stuff and really wrecking friendships. My ds just doesn't get on with this kind of person. He reads during a lot of breaks (TA is a friend and has told me) and the other child has been taking,kicking and removing his books. It all came to a head last Friday when my DS reacted and screamed and the child to leave him alone and walked away.

The other kid went into meltdown- involved the headteacher (yes really) and between them they decided the best solution would be to contractually oblige my kid(nobody else's) to play for three set days with him.

Dh drafted up a contract yesterday for the HT to come to every single weekend BBQ over the summer and asked her to sign it and he was told not to be so ridiculous (hmm really)

The contract was enforced today and I've just collected DS from school in bits saying he doesn't want to go back.

Is this completely batshit or have I entered a twilight zone.

Sorry to be so ranty. I'm so cross!

OP posts:
GwenStaceyRocks · 25/04/2017 16:57

The HT's contract wasn't similar to the DH's at all. The HT has to manage playground issues. DCs have to commit to a code of conduct. It's not a legal contract and it's not about forcing friendships. It's about fostering understanding and respect.
Unless we're assuming a 10-year-old who admitted to shouting and walking away, definitely wouldn't misrepresent anything else that was going on . . .
Personally, I'm always wary about parents who default to generalisations about another DCs behaviour like 'he worked his way through his class bullying' because that can only ever be gossip, even if the source is a TA.

MrsJaniceBattersby · 25/04/2017 16:58

such a lazy way to deal with it
They push the problem back on the child rather than actually do something
Bet anyone on playground duty wont know anything about this contract
Just tell the school he wont be playing with anyone he doesn't want to and you are prepared to take it further if necessary

NotNyusualName · 25/04/2017 16:59

I have changed my name for fear of 'outing'.
MyDD went through similar at primary school. She had been friends with one girl who started being very mean to her, so my daughter stopped playing with her. A few months later my DD's teacher told her she had to keep playing with the child as she had no other friends, ( I am not surprised considering her attitude) I spoke to the teacher and explained that while I tried to encourage my DD to be friendly with everyone , and not leave anyone out ;I would not on this occasion expect her to be friends with someone who was unkind to her. I asked the teacher why they were singling out my DD to be the playmate as there were 180 other children in the school that the child could play with , he had no answer for this!

springflowers11 · 25/04/2017 17:01

Well obviously it is not, and not intended to be, a legally binding contract but it is an agreement.
Firstly it is not a good lesson to reach a child they have to sign something they don't want to because they feel pressured into it.
Secondly it sounds as though they think your DS will calm the boy down and the boy will gee your DS up a bit.But you cannot engineer this sort of thing !
If the boy is already unpopular, it is really humiliating to make kids sign an agreement to play with him.What do 10 year old boys 'play' anyway?
However I do think your DS needs to use breaktime to get a bit of exercise and give his eyes a rest from close focus, and practice socialising in an unstructured environment.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/04/2017 17:01

Quite simple. Inform the HT (I'd send or take a signed letter with your child tomorrow to be handed to his teacher/HT first thing in the morning) that you have told your son that he does NOT have to play with this child if he does not want to. That as his parent you have the authority to 'break' this so called contract and you are hereby doing so. And that this so-called 'contact' is neither legally NOR 'socially' binding in any way and that it actually constitutes unequal treatment of your child (no other child being required to play) and coercion by way of intimidation (a contract implies penalties/punishment for breaking it). And that if your child is not told that he may choose his own playmates, that you will be contacting a solicitor.

We had a situation with our child regarding bullying and unequal treatment in which we ended up meeting with the school principal (I'm in the US) with a lawyer in tow. They wanted to transfer our child to another class rather than deal with the bully. Our son struggled a bit with lack of confidence, he loved his teacher who was wonderful at building him up, and his classmates (bar the one) were a good group. It worked and the bully was transferred to another class.

PrecookedSprout · 25/04/2017 17:01

The father's barbecue contract is not the problem here.

Keep your message simple.

This "contract" is binned.
Your son is reassured by school that he doesn't have to play with anyone he doesn't suspended to.

Or you take it further.

Butteredparsnip1ps · 25/04/2017 17:04

OP I will add my voice to the chorus of this isn't on. Sadly, IME it isn't uncommon for schools to expect the victim to change their behaviour rather than the bully.

If you do want DS to remain at the school, can I suggest asking for the School's bullying policy and holding them to it?

ItsOut · 25/04/2017 17:04

I will calm down in a minute

I wouldn't. I'd be pissed off and I'm normally very laid back Confused

I think you need another meeting.

Jng1 · 25/04/2017 17:04
Starlighter · 25/04/2017 17:06

Please speak to the head teacher as soon as possible. Your poor son! You have two problems here. The ridiculous and cruel contract and the school not dealing with ongoing bullying in an appropriate way.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 25/04/2017 17:07

Performance Parenting Jng1 where you're not only a FANTASTIC mum but everybody has to see how fantastic you are.

haveacupoftea · 25/04/2017 17:08

I'd be raging at this OP!!

Also your DH sounds hilarious Grin

CardinalCat · 25/04/2017 17:10

I suspect I'm a jazz hands mum, but anyway.....

Obviously it's not enforceable, so that's a red herring. You just ignore it completely and wait to be sued (yeah- not going to happen).

The school need to get a fucking grip.

Can you talk directly to the parents to explain that you can't force kids to play with eash other. It's stupid?

I actually do think that, sometimes, being made to play or interact with somebody that is very different from you is character building and a great teacher of patience and tolerance. However, this is not the way to go about it.

GwenStaceyRocks · 25/04/2017 17:10

The father's barbeque contract undermined the seriousness of the issue. It also seems to have stopped them from getting to the bottom of what happened because OP is under the impression that the HT and the other DC came up with the contract idea and that it obliges her DS to do anything.

Idoidoidoidoido · 25/04/2017 17:11

Speak to the head again and ask why the solution to your son being bullied is to force him to have contact with said bully? Why isn't the bully being punished?

Because everybody pussyfoots around the bullies at school.
Someone will be along shortly to say it's not his fault it never is and everybody should be more understanding and bend over backwards to accommodate the him.

grannytomine · 25/04/2017 17:14

I hate schools trying to force kids to be friends and why shouldn't he sit and read if that is his way of relaxing. No one would go into an office or factory and start telling people what they should do in break time.

PuppyMonkey · 25/04/2017 17:15

Send an email officially reporting the bullying of your DC by xx with examples - copying in the chair of governors etc - and inform them your DS will not be complying with the "contract" and that you will be keeping him at home if you find out they have continued to try and implement it.

JustSpeakSense · 25/04/2017 17:18

No.

I'd keep him off school and request a meeting.

He will not be playing with this boy, this boy needs to keep well away from him. The contract needs to be given to you / destroyed.

But before you do go in all guns blazing please verify this is actually exactly what happened, it is do completely batshit crazy and inappropriate there has to be some mistake/confusion.

TheElephantofSurprise · 25/04/2017 17:18

They usually only enforce that kind of thing on teachers - the child behaves badly and the teacher has to apologise! It is bullying, send it to the local authority or other overseeing body and keep your child out of school. Find another school or home ed.

Original poster
GibbonMinstrel · 25/04/2017 17:21

Oh dh was doing that to MOCK the pathetic contract when he discussed it with the teacher first thing she said that the head had come up with the idea and they were confident it would build bridges between the boys.(that's when he wrote the BBQ in all of 5 minutes) stop focusing on that. It's ridiculous to pick holes in that and miss the point completely.

She(HT) wasn't there at collection time and I only got the full story in the car on the way home. My TA friend I trust implicitly and she's told me I should be very against this unfair treatment of DS.

I've already e mailed saying expressly that my child will not be attending tomorrow because he is so upset At the idea of being "forced" to be with this other child and also I've told them I'm going directly to the governors as the perception not only mine but of many others is that preferential treatment is being given to a child who's related to a staff member. Lots of people have complained but nobody takes it further.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 25/04/2017 17:22

www.safeguardinginschools.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/Whistleblowing_to_Ofsted_about_Safeguarding_LAs_April_2014.pdf

If the school is failing to safeguard your son by foisting this boy on him you can make a whistleblower complaint to ofsted.

Indaba · 25/04/2017 17:25

I would try and go in without children in tow and talk to the head and the teacher.
These things done by email quickly spiral out of control. Always better face to face.

nursy1 · 25/04/2017 17:26

This is crazy.
I haven't had kids in primary for a long time but has an issue with my son ( now 30). We had someone all the Schools Liason officer come in to the school and adjudicate ( contacted via the old Local Ed Authority). Does such a route still exist?
It was really good solution. Meeting with ourselves , head and teacher involved then big round table meeting with all adults involved.

FlyingSquid · 25/04/2017 17:26

If he has to play with this child, OP, I suggest he takes in a chessboard, backgammon set or Scrabble.

See how long Turd Minor wants to play then.

MumsGoneToYonderLand · 25/04/2017 17:28

ask questions calmly like Goldmandra said.
be calm. ripping up contract into confetti just makes you look like crazy scary mom and doesn't help relations with school.