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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be batshit cross that my dc has had to sign a contract saying he will play with a child at school?

503 replies

GibbonMinstrel · 25/04/2017 16:00

There's a long history.

My ds is shy, geeky. Knows what he likes -very academic/not great socially There's a bulldozer child who is his opposite. Alpha mum, jazz hands, sporty, darling-darling who is related to a staff member.

This other child has worked his way through his class bullying kids, controlling stuff and really wrecking friendships. My ds just doesn't get on with this kind of person. He reads during a lot of breaks (TA is a friend and has told me) and the other child has been taking,kicking and removing his books. It all came to a head last Friday when my DS reacted and screamed and the child to leave him alone and walked away.

The other kid went into meltdown- involved the headteacher (yes really) and between them they decided the best solution would be to contractually oblige my kid(nobody else's) to play for three set days with him.

Dh drafted up a contract yesterday for the HT to come to every single weekend BBQ over the summer and asked her to sign it and he was told not to be so ridiculous (hmm really)

The contract was enforced today and I've just collected DS from school in bits saying he doesn't want to go back.

Is this completely batshit or have I entered a twilight zone.

Sorry to be so ranty. I'm so cross!

OP posts:
CheeseQueen · 25/04/2017 16:19

Surely this can't be true??? That is so batshit it's beyond batshit!!

Original poster
GibbonMinstrel · 25/04/2017 16:19

The bully isn't being punished because he is related to a staff member and gets away with murder Angry

OP posts:
WateryTart · 25/04/2017 16:20

This is awful.

No way should your DS be forced to play with anyone he doesn't want to play with. Go in tomorrow and tell the head that's how it is and if she doesn't like it you'll be talking to the governors and the LA.

Bloody cheek.

Ketzele · 25/04/2017 16:21

My kids' school had terrible problems with one child bullying others in the playground. One day he tried to force a couple of quiet little girls to play with him - they were scared, said they didn't want to (had seen where this leads). He smacked one in the face and said, "Don't you disrespect me, you bitch". Outcome: HT visits the class to lecture them about inclusive play.

If that had been my dd, I would have gone ballistic.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 25/04/2017 16:22

Screw that. Contract can't be legally binding at that age. I'd kick up a fuss and go to the governors.

Ketzele · 25/04/2017 16:23

And I agree with the others: generally I encourage my kids to conform to school rules, no matter if I don't personally agree with them. But this is a time for standing up to the school and saying: no, not ok and we will not go along with this.

ohforfoxsake · 25/04/2017 16:23

Write to the board of governors.

It's completely ridiculous and bullying in its own right.

What will happen if your DS doesn't play with the other child? What are the consequences?

Seems to me it's being done for the sake of the other child.

If our HT did this, as a governor, I would be questioning her ability.

As a parent, I'd be down there telling them it's not happening. I'd be writing to the governors and the LEA.

honeylulu · 25/04/2017 16:23

Oh no this is awful!
Contracts are not legally enforceable on under 18s, but that's not the point.
In effect your son is being punished for standing up for himself and the other boy is being rewarded for, at best, making a deliberate nuisance if himself or at worst, a lengthy campaign of bullying. WTAF?
I would be informing the school and my son that he is not obliged to comply and any steps taken to enforce this will result in an official complaint to the local authority.
When I was at school the approach would have been to tell the pupils involved to stay out of each others way. Much more sensible.

Floralnomad · 25/04/2017 16:24

I actually would not discuss with the HT , I'd write a letter temporarily removing him and write to the LA / governors explaining why .

FannyWisdom · 25/04/2017 16:25

Bloody hell.
Don't calm down you should be angry. Fact check with HT and take this as far you can.

Gatehouse77 · 25/04/2017 16:26

Now this would get me well and truly riled.

I would ask for an immediate appointment if you can't just grab the HT for a word. Keep it pleasant. Once in, explain the situation as you understand it, ask HT to confirm/deny any details. Once you have an informed idea of what's going on ask HT to explain the rationale behind it and if your child's needs have been taken into account.

Keep pushing back for them to explain themselves, point out any inconsistencies, one-sidedness, etc. Stay calm but firm.

ChasedByBees · 25/04/2017 16:26

That is crazy. Is it a specific three days? If so, I'd keep him off and raise a formal complaint. If they are going to restart it after any absence then there's more of a problem but I'd still make formal complaints and consider keeping him off school. A copy of the 'contract' will help you with complaints. Don't turn it into confetti.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/04/2017 16:27

Its crazy, and unacceptable. I would be telling my son that he does not have to play with this boy if he does not want to, why do children have to be forced into situations that make them feel threatened.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 25/04/2017 16:28

Surely they should be making the other child sign a contract not to bully and tease other children?

Your child is 10.
That contract is not worth the paper it is written on.
Go see HT.
Ask to see signed contract (all copies)
Remove paper shredder from handbag...

Bringmesunshite · 25/04/2017 16:28

Straight to the governors. This is ridiculous. Not an enforceable contract, obviously. Forcing the victim to be with the bully just tells the bully that they have power in this situation.

P1nkP0ppy · 25/04/2017 16:29

I would be absolutely furious. The HT is colluding with the bully ffs, completely out of order and is being abusive in my opinion by forcing contact between a bully and his victim.
What the hell is she/he up to?

Rockhopper81 · 25/04/2017 16:30

Meeting with the HT as a matter of urgency - your son should not be fearing going to school.

I have always told parents that I - as a teacher - cannot make children get along, and nor would I want to.

I wouldn't be expected - as an adult - to socialise with people I didn't like or want to, so why should children? Encouragement to respect each other - absolutely. Enforced socialisation - not a chance.

Also, I was the child that would rather read at break times - running around, playing games isn't for everyone. Personally, I found (and still find) socialising somewhat exhausting, so reading for me was a break.

Hope you get it sorted. Smile

UrsulaPandress · 25/04/2017 16:30

I'd be in there now, not posting on MN.

StewieGMum · 25/04/2017 16:31

If the child has a history of this behaviour and the school refusing to deal with it, then I would skip HT and go to governors & Ofsted (or children & families if in Scotland). Then I would move schools. This kind of situation doesn't resolve quickly.

PrecookedSprout · 25/04/2017 16:32

YANBU.

Calm down for your own sake only but stay focussed for your son. Good luck.

GwenStaceyRocks · 25/04/2017 16:32

This doesn't make sense. Your DS signed a contract so your DH tried to get the HT to sign a contract about barbeques Confused
fwiw it's fairly common to get DCs to commit to being kind/playing inclusively especially if there have been friendship issues in a class. It's a social contract not a legal one.
You need to calm down, go to see the HT and try to find out what actually happened.

TheRealPooTroll · 25/04/2017 16:32

I'm assuming these are the facts as you seem to have had contact with the HT. And of course it is wholly unacceptable that they are trying to force your child to play with another child who has been unkind to him. But what you should be doing is telling the school that if they try to enforce it you will formally complain in the strongest terms - not giving passive aggressive contracts to the head Confused

RubyWinterstorm · 25/04/2017 16:34

This is outrageous!

MongerTruffle · 25/04/2017 16:35

The contract doesn't exist as your DS is a minor.

Lemondrop09 · 25/04/2017 16:35

How bizarre and baffling.

I think you should be proud of your DS standing up for himself. So often shy kids are walked all over. He shouldn't have to take being teased and having his book snatched. The school should have supported his actions and punished the bully.

My brother was quite shy and sensitive at school. However when someone insulted our dad (who had died when we were young), my brother shoved the boy and stalked out of class. The teacher called my mum.... to see if my brother was ok! They knew something must have happened as his actions were so out of character.

I really hope your DH isn't deterred from standing up for himself in future. I definitely would be pursuing this further.