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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be batshit cross that my dc has had to sign a contract saying he will play with a child at school?

503 replies

GibbonMinstrel · 25/04/2017 16:00

There's a long history.

My ds is shy, geeky. Knows what he likes -very academic/not great socially There's a bulldozer child who is his opposite. Alpha mum, jazz hands, sporty, darling-darling who is related to a staff member.

This other child has worked his way through his class bullying kids, controlling stuff and really wrecking friendships. My ds just doesn't get on with this kind of person. He reads during a lot of breaks (TA is a friend and has told me) and the other child has been taking,kicking and removing his books. It all came to a head last Friday when my DS reacted and screamed and the child to leave him alone and walked away.

The other kid went into meltdown- involved the headteacher (yes really) and between them they decided the best solution would be to contractually oblige my kid(nobody else's) to play for three set days with him.

Dh drafted up a contract yesterday for the HT to come to every single weekend BBQ over the summer and asked her to sign it and he was told not to be so ridiculous (hmm really)

The contract was enforced today and I've just collected DS from school in bits saying he doesn't want to go back.

Is this completely batshit or have I entered a twilight zone.

Sorry to be so ranty. I'm so cross!

OP posts:
RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 25/04/2017 16:35

Dh drafted up a contract yesterday for the HT to come to every single weekend BBQ over the summer and asked her to sign it and he was told not to be so ridiculous

Your DH is a keeper Grin

I'd go in, raise merry hell and refuse to send your DS in until the 'contract' is ripped up AND they acknowledge that he cannot be forced to interact with someone he doesn't want to.

EweAreHere · 25/04/2017 16:35

I would make it very clear to the Head Teacher that you child will not be attending school until you have had a sit down meeting with the Teacher and the Head Teacher where you will make it VERY clear that your child will NOT be forced to play with a child who is bullying him (and everyone else). If they do not agree, then you will be taking the matter of the SCHOOL's bullying of your child to the Governors and Ofsted and the Local Educational Authority.

Instasista · 25/04/2017 16:36

Well obviously it's not a legal
Contract as ftw would they do to enforce it? But it seems to be a kindness contract however the son seems to have been forced into it which isn't right

Notthemessiah · 25/04/2017 16:36

Seems very over the top if all your son did is scream at him to go away, especially if the other child has done the same (and worse) in the past. Are you sure your son hasn't been more involved in these altercations than he is telling you perhaps? Did he respond physically as well as verbally maybe?

From my experience, schools are very good at ignoring a campaign of verbal and psychological bullying and then punishing the victim when he\she finally gets pushed too far and responds physically (even if it is very minor - a push for example). The real bully knows this and knows just how far to go but no further, so they never get into trouble.

Schools are also determined to see two sides to everything when often there simply isn't - one child is the bully and the other is the victim.

The contract is of course not the issue - it's just a way for them to stage-manage the situation. The issue is your son having to spend time with someone he dislikes and who is a bully. If the school won't listen to you, then I would suggest that your son 'plays' at reading books nice and close to one of the teachers during break times - up to the other child if he wants to 'play' as well!

PrecookedSprout · 25/04/2017 16:36

I guess the father was trying to show how ludicrous the head was being. Not my style!e but I wouldn't criticise him for it given the stated circs.

ToffeeCaramel · 25/04/2017 16:38

I like your dh's style re the bbq contract. Grin

GeekLove · 25/04/2017 16:38

If they try to slap you down - remind them that forces association is not socialization.
Tell your son this - it'll take time but he must never feel he HAS to be friends with people. It is enough to be courteous, tolerant and not anti-social but you cannot force friendship.

2410ang · 25/04/2017 16:40

Please tell me that you have demanded a meeting with the HT?! I'm afraid my DS would be 'sick' and unable to go to school every day until the HT met with me.

ThouShallNotPass · 25/04/2017 16:40

@ChasedByBees Good point. Evidence of this craziness is needed. Confetti would be satisfying but perhaps not the best use of the "contract".

This kind of shit really annoys me. DD2 is unusually quiet and never makes a fuss about anything. In order to keep the more unruly little shits calmer they would always sit them next to DD2 or pair them up with her in walking lines on outings. If they gave her arm a thump (one small example I saw personally) she would quietly say "Ow", rub her sore arm and not kick off or retaliate like other pupils would. Great for keeping the loud brash bully kids quieter but at the expense of my sweet baby girl.
It happened with two different badly behaved children.

Neolara · 25/04/2017 16:41

Look on the school website, download the complaints policy and then I'd recommend doing nothing else tonight. Tomorrow, when you're feeling less cross, think about whether you want to start going down the formal complaints route. If you do, follow the procedure laid down in the policy to the letter.

It's obviously a ridiculous thing for the school to have done. I hope you manage to sort it out.

miri1985 · 25/04/2017 16:42

The school is in a position of power, what they've done is fraud.

They know your DC is too young to sign a contract and its unenforceable.

They've turned this into a contract, tell them you're contacting a solicitor to sue them for misrepresentation, they will back off quickly. Make sure minimum you and DC get an apology

AppearingNormal · 25/04/2017 16:42

Do everything by email. Even if you have a verbal discussion follow it up with an email confirming what was discussed. Request a response to clarify any points they disagree with. What a ridiculous HT.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 25/04/2017 16:43

When you meet with the HT don't forget the underlying issue of your son being harassed and bullied by the other boy ...

BigSandyBalls2015 · 25/04/2017 16:43

I had this when my DD was a similar age, she brought home a timetable of the days she had to play with a certain child, ( who was aggressive and forceful towards her) and other days when she could choose to spend time with her friends.

I also went bat shit crazy and rang the school the following day - the teacher kept saying "Oh but your DD agreed" - she wouldn't have dared to challenge a teacher at that age.

I always think they were taking advantage of her very kind, easy going nature, which sounds similar to your DS. They would never have tried that kind of shit on my other DD.

Very lazy way for the school to deal with it. Chuck it in the bin and tell your DS to completely ignore it.

GwenStaceyRocks · 25/04/2017 16:44

I can't understand why your DH would have taken a barbeque contract to a meeting about your DS' behaviour and friendship issues. That's the bit that is 'batshit' as you call it. It implies that you didn't consider for a second that your DS' version wasn't 100% accurate and instead went in being automatically confrontational with the school.

TheRealPooTroll · 25/04/2017 16:45

The op (or her dh at least) has already had contact with the HT to present her with an infantile contract about barbecues. Why didn't he spend the time he spent faffing with that doing something that might actually help the situation his child is in such as making a formal complaint. He seems to be treating it as some kind of joke?

badgercat · 25/04/2017 16:46

Not at a school in Norfolk is he ?

My son was given a very similar solution by the ht !

shitgibbon · 25/04/2017 16:48

I would be looking for a new school.

rookiemere · 25/04/2017 16:50

I agree with others - whilst what your DH did was amusing, it would have been much better just to have a proper conversation with the HT about it.

Schools seem really bad about this sort of thing. A friend was telling me that two boys that really did not get on together - to the point of definite bullying from one side- were being put through mediation sessions with one of the teachers. The boys were 8 at the time!

GeekLove · 25/04/2017 16:50

I think that the DH was demonstrating how ridiculous the HTs contract was - its not like it would have taken him long to draw up a 'silly' contract that in hindsight is rather less silly than the HTs original contract.

DoItTooJulia · 25/04/2017 16:51

I'm a bit confused as to why your DH did the BBQ contract thing really. I mean, I get it that you/he wanted to demonstrate how ridiculous their contract idea was, but it just served to make light of the issue and didn't resolve your concerns, so now it's escalated.

If it was me, moving forward, I would tell the HT that my child won't be attending school until they can assure me that my child won't be made to play with a bully and this ridiculous contract business is binned.

I'd also want a meeting to go over it all (ASAP) and to make sure that they deal with this boy bullying my son.

purplecoathanger · 25/04/2017 16:51

I would be absolutely livid at the whole situation. Your poor DC, what a dreadful situation all round. Does the school not have a bullying policy?

Kitsandkids · 25/04/2017 16:52

I would go in tomorrow morning and ask to speak to the head there and then, or at least a deputy or senior teacher. I would be polite and calm but would not leave until I'd spoken to someone. And at the meeting I would agree that my child should be polite to all other children but would utterly refute any idea that he 'had' to play with a certain child. They can't force children to be friends and they shouldn't be supporting the idea of one child having to meekly go along with whatever another child wants as that won't help them in adult relationships.

Lessthanaballpark · 25/04/2017 16:54

From my experience, schools are very good at ignoring a campaign of verbal and psychological bullying and then punishing the victim when he\she finally gets pushed too far and responds physically (even if it is very minor - a push for example). The real bully knows this and knows just how far to go but no further, so they never get into trouble.

This ^^ it drives me crazy. I've kept my son off school in similar circumstances until they guaranteed that he would not be bullied. When you keep them off school the school usually gets panicked and actually does something.

TheRealPooTroll · 25/04/2017 16:54

And I'm sure him turning up with his parody contract encouraged the HT to listen to his pot of view and take him seriously Hmm