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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think i will call my boyfriend my partner if i bloody well want to?

200 replies

malificent7 · 23/04/2017 22:10

There is quite a nasty put down on mn which is disguised as a statement of fact.
If a woman is seeing a man but does not live with him she is told " he is not your partner... he is your boyfriend. "

Well my other half/ bit of stuff/ love of my life / darling boyfriend is my partner in crime. He is my rock.
We dont live together and we are very happy with this arrangement.

We dont have kids together, we hacd no plans to marry or have kids just yet/ if ever but we just get each other.

Did i mention that we have only ( shock horror) been together for 18 months? And yet we always introduce each other as partners.

Many people who are married, live together and have kids are not partners if they are not in live.

Aibu to think that no outsiders can tell you what to call your dp?

OP posts:
Teabagtits · 24/04/2017 08:45

For those who hate Partner, what's the acceptable alternative for you? I've lived with my partner for almost ten years, one child, one on the way. Not married or engaged. How do you suggest I should refer to him in acceptable mumsnet terminology?

smashyourglasses · 24/04/2017 08:46

18 months, yeah he can be referred to as a partner. Anything less is really just a boyfriend.

BertrandRussell · 24/04/2017 08:47

So what do people suggest I call the man I have been living with for 30 years, have children, a house and pets with?

PolynesianGirl · 24/04/2017 08:47

And I disagree about the fact that the word partner has no importance at all.
It has.
Just look at the thread where a partner isn't invited at a wedding because 'they are just a bf, not a real partner as they don't live together' type of comment. Even when said people have been together for a couple of years. Apparently, it's not obvious that they are a 'real' couple because of that....
There is, in RL, a lot of judgement attached to that and a bf certainly doesn't have the same status as a partner.

PolynesianGirl · 24/04/2017 08:51

18 months, yeah he can be referred to as a partner. Anything less is really just a boyfriend.
Lol at that one.
At 18 months after meeting up, we were just a few months away from being married.
After 12 months, we decided to get married.
Would it REALLY be right to have referred to now DH as 'just a boyfriend'??

The word partner/bf is about the level of commitment to each other.
You can be very committed to each other very quickly. Or totally uncommitted, more like FWB, after a few years.

Why are people feeling they can judge the level of commitment of other people like this, wo knowing anything about the people involved???

haveacupoftea · 24/04/2017 08:51

Well I think it's easier to simplify it in terms of, is the couple living their lives together as if they were married? Rather than they must have been together for X months, have 1 shared bank account etc to qualify for the role as partner.

mousymary · 24/04/2017 08:53

I don't like the word "partner". As others have said, it sounds very sterile . As for "partner in crime" - is there a sick bucket emoticon?

Also I do think that to be in a partnership, you do need some shared aspects of your life - finances, a home etc.

I have seen on here people rightly, imo, called out for calling someone they have been seeing for a matter of weeks their "partner". Dh has a friend who is a total commitment-phobe and has had many, many girlfriends over the years. I did (yet another) inward eye roll when one hapless woman referred to him as her partner... when they had known each other all of two months.

Furthermore, I would be horrified if a boyfriend called me their partner if our relationship was in its early days. It is so proprietal .

splendide · 24/04/2017 08:55

BertrandRussell

My granny would have called him your bidey-in. I quite like it.

PuntCuffin · 24/04/2017 09:00

There was a thread the other day, where someone referred to their new partner. They'd been on one date, snogged, that was it. I was a bit Hmm and Confused by the use of partner in that context. It seemed far too committed for a casual snog!

In my mind, and it is very arbitrary, I always think of partner being used in the context of a later in life, post-divorce relationship. Because most couples I know were married once they got beyond their 20s and then didn't marry subsequent boyfriends/girlfriends and they became partners.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 24/04/2017 09:02

There seems to be an assumption of a hierarchy where wife / husband is up the top, followed by fiancé, followed by partner, the boyfriend and maybe before that 'date'. For those of us who don't hold with this or desire marriage it makes no sense as a hierarchy. When not referring to my man of over 20 years as my optional accessory I refer to him as my partner. If others want to use wife for themselves or husband for their man then do so, I don't even care if you are married or not. But if someone, anyone, refers to their OH as a partner then respect this choice too, and also understand that they might not see 'husband' or 'wife' as any better, nor those who use these terms as somehow more permanent, established or deserving of respect for the relationship.

Goprogo · 24/04/2017 09:05

I always use partner. anyone over 30 using boyfriend is cringey imho - father of my children is accurate but doesn't imply you're still together and anyone who suspects I am being coy about being in a same sex relationship can suspect away! I've been with my partner for over a quarter of a century - I often tell people we're going steady 😄

katronfon · 24/04/2017 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MorrisZapp · 24/04/2017 09:06

Yes exactly. Marriage is not the gold standard with a list of poorer options.

brasty · 24/04/2017 09:12

Partner originates from gay and lesbian couples before they could get civil partnership or married. So they could never officially be a Husband or Wife, but were de facto a married couple.
It was then adopted by straight couples living together, but not married. Now days it is used by all sorts of couples. That is how language evolves.

MrsNuckyThompson · 24/04/2017 09:18

I personally hate the term 'partner' and don't know what is so wrong with saying boyfriend but couldn't get worked up about it. Call him whatever you like!!

skerrywind · 24/04/2017 09:23

I am happy with wife/husband.

Far too old for boyfriend/girlfriend, I also have a business partner so that's too confusing.

We are not married but husband /wife is closest.

TheStoic · 24/04/2017 09:24

There seems to be an assumption of a hierarchy where wife / husband is up the top, followed by fiancé, followed by partner, the boyfriend and maybe before that 'date'

Oh yes - you should see the fury at women who refer to their 'husband' when they're not legally married. They haven't earned that right dammit!

And if everyone did that, how would the REAL wives distinguish themselves at the top???? Grin

splendide · 24/04/2017 09:31

Yes Stoic I always find that quite funny. As if it should be a special protected term.

brasty · 24/04/2017 09:33

I have lived with my partner for 30 years. It would seem ridiculous to use boyfriend/girlfriend.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 24/04/2017 09:34

And if everyone did that, how would the REAL wives distinguish themselves at the top

Snork!!!!!! :):):)

smashyourglasses · 24/04/2017 09:39

Would it REALLY be right to have referred to now DH as 'just a boyfriend'??

Yes, it would have been right to refer to him at that time as a boyfriend. Why wouldn't you. The level of commitment includes the time you've spent together.

heron98 · 24/04/2017 09:40

Well I have been with my bloke for five years, we live together, have a mortgage and split the bills. He is still my "boyfriend". I would feel really formal saying "partner".

irregularegular · 24/04/2017 09:45

You can call him what you want! I think that if you see your relationship as fairly permanent, and especially if you are a bit older, partner is the appropriate term whether you are living together or not. Boyfriend/girlfriend sounds a bit odd to me once you are past 30 or 40.

I used partner for my now husband once we had been together a while and saw ourselves as permanent but weren't living together or engaged. And I don't think I ever used fiance! Too weird and old-fashioned. I was only in my 20s but it still seemed like the right term. I think it was particularly important to me at the time as I moved to the US to do a PhD without him, and wanted to send a clearly signal to my fellow students that this wasn't just a casual relationship. Only problem was that some people thought I was gay until he turned up.

teenagetantrums · 24/04/2017 09:45

I don't live with my partner or share finances. But she's still my partner. I only say partner as makes I easier as,we both women and l have kids so if l say girlfriend everyone assumes she's just my friend and l cant be assed to explain the whole thing. I think you can call him whatever you want people in a commited relationship are partners in that relationship.

BertrandRussell · 24/04/2017 09:46

I actually think of wife/husband-particularly wife- as lower the tree than partner, if you force me into declaring a hierarchy.Grin