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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think i will call my boyfriend my partner if i bloody well want to?

200 replies

malificent7 · 23/04/2017 22:10

There is quite a nasty put down on mn which is disguised as a statement of fact.
If a woman is seeing a man but does not live with him she is told " he is not your partner... he is your boyfriend. "

Well my other half/ bit of stuff/ love of my life / darling boyfriend is my partner in crime. He is my rock.
We dont live together and we are very happy with this arrangement.

We dont have kids together, we hacd no plans to marry or have kids just yet/ if ever but we just get each other.

Did i mention that we have only ( shock horror) been together for 18 months? And yet we always introduce each other as partners.

Many people who are married, live together and have kids are not partners if they are not in live.

Aibu to think that no outsiders can tell you what to call your dp?

OP posts:
splendide · 24/04/2017 09:49

Well you're quite clearly just jelly of the wives Bertrand.

florascotianew · 24/04/2017 09:49

lela - re your comment a couple of pages back:

It is of course one million per cent up to you whether you marry or not, and I'm sure you know all the following already, but, just as a matter of fact, the only legally necessary vow in an English civil marriage ceremony is one simple sentence, in which the two people getting married say to each other:
"I (your full name), take you (your partner's full name) to be my wedded wife/husband."
God, friends, family etc need not be involved.

Also legally speaking, that sentence has to be preceded by a simple declaration by both parties: "I declare that I know of no legal reason why I (your name) may not be joined in marriage to (your partner's name)."

That's it. Everything else is optional. You need two witnesses but they can be strangers if you prefer. Obviously, you need to fill in application forms at the Registrar's office beforehand, but that is done in private.

Above wording quoted from www.oxfordshire.gov.uk/cms/content/vows-and-promises-your-wedding

BitOutOfPractice · 24/04/2017 09:55

So if BF is someone you're in a casual-ish relationship with.

But partner is someone you live with and share finances with.

Then what do you call someone who you've been with for many years. Who spends 5 nights a week at your house. Picks your kids up from school. Makes dinner. Puts the bins out. Cuts the lawn. Helps your mom. But doesn't live with you. A boyfriend?

BaggyCheeks · 24/04/2017 09:56

I think "Partner" implies a degree of permanence, and is better distinguished by things that happen rather than length of time together. By the time DH and I had been a couple for a year, we had been living together for 6 months and I was 3 months away from giving birth. I called him my partner because it didn't feel right to me to call him my boyfriend while I was rocking around with a huge bump, and we were living together as though we were married - sharing finances, sharing domestic tasks, both on the tenancy agreement, agreed that we'd get married when it suited us. I never once referred to him as my fiancé because I think that term has been made a bit meaningless with the amount of people who get "engaged" with no intention of ever marrying. So he went from being my boyfriend, to my partner, to my husband.

Applying "partner" to someone that you're seeing but not living with/haven't made life plans with is a bit daft to me but each to their own.

ProudBadMum · 24/04/2017 09:57

A lodger? Grin

I'd say you call them your 'half partner' til they actually live with you then you may have a full partner

BitOutOfPractice · 24/04/2017 10:21

Proud Grin

Do you get my point. I think there's a gap in the terminology for this type of relationship. It's more than just a shag. Now that women now have so much more financial independence and can make decisions about their relationships based on what they want rather than financial imperatives and society's expectations, we need a new term

BaggyCheeks · 24/04/2017 10:23

Bit I agree. There isn't one set way to run your life, and terminology needs to update to reflect this. A new term, or at least a consensus on what terms mean, would remove the ambiguity of what things mean.

RaspberryBeret34 · 24/04/2017 10:29

YANBU. I'd assume "partners" were living together and I prefer to use boyfriend for mine (even if we were living togehter) but I wouldn't get het up about what you use though - personal preference.

SandyY2K · 24/04/2017 10:30

to me the word implies a couple who are more or less married in all but name. So they live together, share finances etc. I wouldn't call someone I didn't live with 'partner', they'd be boyfriend

^^^^ I agree with this TBH

I see people here say "my DP," after they've been together for a few weeks.

I can't understand how you call someone a partner, when you barely know them.

I think in some cases it's to convince themselves (and others) the relationship is more serious than it is.

I doubt that the men in these relationships would use the same terminology. When I hear men say 'partner', it's a more serious committed relationship.

At the end of the day, one can call their OH what they want, but realise that you can't change how another person views the situation.

ProudBadMum · 24/04/2017 10:34

bit in my case I live with someone and we have a child together. But we have only been together 5 month (child 6 month). We don't have a joint account though.

So what is he 'baby daddy partner'?

Boyfriendner could be the term for those who don't quite live with you?

ToastyFingers · 24/04/2017 10:34

Perhaps it's a bit regional?

Round here partner refers to someone who is living as if they're married, but aren't married iyswim.

Obviously, you can refer to your significant other in any way you please, however, if you don't live together, have children, share finances, or even a car or household labour and you've not been together for entire stages of your life then you're no more partners than a pair of 16 year olds.

skerrywind · 24/04/2017 10:35

My OH calls me his wife - I have heard him doing so- even though we are not married.

ProudBadMum · 24/04/2017 10:36

Round here it fella or our my dad refers to my boyfriendner as yer man but also refers to everyone who's name he forgets as yer man Grin

Whether you are married or not

YetAnotherSpartacus · 24/04/2017 10:42

Then what do you call someone who you've been with for many years. Who spends 5 nights a week at your house. Picks your kids up from school. Makes dinner. Puts the bins out. Cuts the lawn. Helps your mom. But doesn't live with you. A boyfriend

Similar here. Don't share a residence and certainly not money. Been together years. Would not have it any way and certainly don't want 'wife' on my CV.

I guess I find it more weird that people would choose to have children together when they have been together (in any sense) for less than two or so years ...

BertrandRussell · 24/04/2017 10:45

"My OH calls me his wife - I have heard him doing so- even though we are not married."

I would be so pissed off if dp did this!

DontPullThatTubeOut · 24/04/2017 10:45

I'm not sure what you mean by "partner in crime" you then go on to say that you know it's cringe but use the term because that's what he is. How the fuck is he your partner in crime? What are you doing together that is so illegal Hmm

goose1964 · 24/04/2017 10:52

I'm old enough to remember when living together became normalised. The term partner was used then to describe people who live d together rather than got married, even people in their 60s or 70s had boy/girlfriends. It's only over the last few years people in serious relationships have started referring to their boy/girlfriend as partners. It's a change which perhaps undermines those of who live together

kimann · 24/04/2017 10:52

This really is a first world country problem isn't it?! Call him what you like - why on earth do you care what MN says you should call him?! Grin

TheStoic · 24/04/2017 10:55

There isn't one set way to run your life

I read that as 'There isn't one set way to ruin your life', which I thought was quite poignant in this context. Grin

skerrywind · 24/04/2017 11:09

I would be so pissed off if dp did this!

I have no issue with it.

Epipgab · 24/04/2017 11:35

Using the term partner is as bad as a woman using the title ms. Something to hide!

Do you also think men should be called Mr if they are married and Master if they are not, so they are not "hiding" their marital status?

Roomster101 · 24/04/2017 11:46

YANBU. I thought the term "partner" is used because boyfriend/girlfriend sounds a bit old fashioned and/or childish. DH and I didn't live together for the first few years of our relationship because of our jobs were some distance apart and it used to irritate me a bit that some people assumed that meant our relationship was less serious and that we weren't "partners".

littlepeas · 24/04/2017 11:48

I also really dislike the term partner, I find it a bit affected. Also could never bring myself to call dh my fiance when we were engaged - just carried on referring to him as my boyfriend and now say husband.

Roomster101 · 24/04/2017 11:51

In the 80s, if someone said "partner" we assumed they were gay and trying to keep quiet about it. Otherwise, there didn't seem much point in having another name for "boyfriend/girlfriend"

HouseworkIsASin10 · 24/04/2017 11:52

We are knocking on for 50. Feel a bit of a tit saying 'fiance' or 'boyfriend' at my age so say partner if have to say something.

So cringey, nothing sounds right. Will be husband later this year, thankfully.