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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think i will call my boyfriend my partner if i bloody well want to?

200 replies

malificent7 · 23/04/2017 22:10

There is quite a nasty put down on mn which is disguised as a statement of fact.
If a woman is seeing a man but does not live with him she is told " he is not your partner... he is your boyfriend. "

Well my other half/ bit of stuff/ love of my life / darling boyfriend is my partner in crime. He is my rock.
We dont live together and we are very happy with this arrangement.

We dont have kids together, we hacd no plans to marry or have kids just yet/ if ever but we just get each other.

Did i mention that we have only ( shock horror) been together for 18 months? And yet we always introduce each other as partners.

Many people who are married, live together and have kids are not partners if they are not in live.

Aibu to think that no outsiders can tell you what to call your dp?

OP posts:
haveacupoftea · 24/04/2017 02:04

I've lived with my fiance for 7 years and we are due our first child soon, i call him my partner usually. My friend gets wound up no end if I refer to her fiance as her partner or boyfriend - he's not my boyfriend he's my fiance! Of course this makes me do it even more Grin

Andylion · 24/04/2017 02:57

to me the word implies a couple who are more or less married in all but name. So they live together, share finances etc. I wouldn't call someone I didn't live with 'partner', they'd be boyfriend

I agree. If someone referred to their partner, I'd assume they lived together.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 24/04/2017 03:37

Some people have very rigid views on things like what you should call the person you love, how long your hair should be once you pass a certain age, what age you stop being a girl/boy, how old is too old to have a boyfriend etc.

Others don't care and use whatever they're happy with - but you're right, OP, I have seen it used as a put-down on here many times too. Along with the "you're not her stepmother, you're just her Dad's girlfriend..." (usually followed on with a catalogue of reasons why you get literally NO say in anything to do with "her")

DH used to call me his missus long before we were married, because he thought we were too old for boyfriend/girlfriend - I called him my boyfriend because I didn't like the term partner, but my Dad introduced him to other people as Thumb's "friend", because he just couldn't decide what he should be referred to (he's one of the rigid ideas types)

You call your bloke whatever you want, whatever you're happy with. Some people won't like it, but fuck'em, it's not their business.

Out2pasture · 24/04/2017 03:38

call him what you want as long as both of you agree....
where I live you only have to be with someone a short while before you have access to property so calling someone a partner before your time or without his/her agreement is way out of line.

catsarenice · 24/04/2017 03:48

I just thought partner was a more grown up word for boyfriend/girlfriend- didn't realise it carried extra gravitas! I hate saying partner or fiancé as I think they both sound naff and boyfriend is cringey especially having lived together for ages with DC . Despite being engaged for almost 10 years we don't really have plans to marry but I'd love to so I can solve this issue and actually say husband!!

Epipgab · 24/04/2017 04:09

Of course you can use the word "partner" if you want, although others may have a different definition.

I tend to see "partner" as living with someone in a long-term relationship, a replacement for the old-fashioned phrase "common-law marriage".

It's quite helpful if there's a different word from the "marriage in all but name" situation and a couple who are going out but not living together or planning a formal commitment.

I used to notice that whenever my parents had a visitor who'd brought their partner with them, they'd only ever refer to the partner as so-and-so's "friend" (in meaningful tone of voice) even if they were clearly a couple!

TheStoic · 24/04/2017 04:27

I feel too old to use 'boyfriend/girlfriend'. Partner it has to be.

Unless you prefer 'lover'. Grin

Usually I just introduce him by his first name.

Kiwiinkits · 24/04/2017 04:30

Call him your lover. Lov-eerrrrrrr.

FrenchLavender · 24/04/2017 04:47

YABU. Eighteen months with someone who don't live with, are not married to and don't have children with does not qualify him as a partner. A partner is a life partner. You have no idea if he will be that yet and clearly he hasn't either, or you'd be living together/married by now.

I understand why mature people and those with older children feel a bit daft saying boyfriend/girlfriend but it does make me roll my eyes when very young women refer to their fairly recent boyfriends as their partner as a way of trying to add some gravitas to the relationship. Ditto calling their boyfriend's mother their MIL.

daisychain01 · 24/04/2017 05:00

'im Indoors is a good way of getting round saying the cringeworthy "partner" Grin

daisychain01 · 24/04/2017 05:13

That's a very draconian definition you have there, FrenchLavender!

How can you judge what the relationship dynamics are between people. Sharing finances has nothing to do with the quality of the commitment between two people. 18 months is a meaningful amount of time. Within 6 months of our first date, my then "partner" and I were totally committed and were very much partners for the long term. within about 2 dates if truth be known

But if you had forensically pick our relationship apart at the 6 month stage, yes you could have reduced and minimised it but we had made commitments to each other that made us very much "partners" .

Thank goodness we are now married, at least we have passed the qualifying criteria now Hmm

daisychain01 · 24/04/2017 05:17

I meant to say YANBU OP, you have the right to refer to your loved-one exactly how you feel, its none of anyone else's business.

FriendTillTheEnd · 24/04/2017 05:54

malificent7 Whenever I have read that on here, it hasn't been as a way of denigrating how someone feels about their relationship.

There are many posts on here where a woman will describe really unpleasant behaviour by her 'partner'. She will go on to detail quite nasty attitudes from him and then talk about "working through it" or ask for advice on how other people "put up with it". She'll say she doesn't want to leave him because she loves him and she refers to him as her "partner" throughout, but then reveals that they actually been seeing each other for 5 months.

'Partner' implies a degree of permanence. A relationship with a solid foundation, where a commitment has been made to approach the future together, however that might look to the outside world (e.g. shared finances; making plans together; living together or not).

But where someone is in the early stages of a relationship and at a stage where it's actually fine to say, "you know what? I gave this a go, but actually, you're not the sort of person I want to be with", calling someone a 'partner' can make it feel as though the problems have to be accepted or worked through, rather than walked away from. It clouds the issue for some people.

That is why the examples you are citing read like cutting "he's your boyfriend not your partner" followed by "he sounds like a twunt, ltb" type responses. In those cases, people are trying to show the OP that she has no obligation/commitment/responsibility as far as her boyfriend goes.

skerrywind · 24/04/2017 05:59

I don't see that is concerns anyone.

I call my OH my husband, even though we are not married- makes things easier.

lelapaletute · 24/04/2017 06:07

Hahahaha Rainbows, "don't want to admit they're not married"!! Like it's 1950. Surely by using partner you are quite explicitly making it clear you AREN'T married, if you'd use husband/wife/spouse. You're making it sound like calling your SO 'partner' in some way pretends to status as yet unearned. Very old fashioned and judgey of you.

My partner and i have been together almost 10 years. We own property together and have a three month old baby. I do not believe in marriage and will never marry, or we'd have done it by now. We're thirty-flipping two. He is NOT my 'boyfriend' fgs. I often say 'other half', which feels true, but it's a bit informal - when calling the bank etc, only partner will do!

Before anyone starts giving me grief about how vulnerable not being married leaves
me legally, we might do the paperwork when we're getting older if health becomes an issue - it's the whole 'public commitment before God/friends and family' i find spurious - you are either committed to each other or you aren't, you'll either stay that way or you won't -
mouthing a script in your a best clothes will not make it so. Just seems like needing public validation for something private to me, and trying to cement something inherently based on trust, not to mention engineering what is in some cases a rather show-offy day that's all about the bride, although i do love a good shindig, don't get me wrong! It's a bit like baby showers - everyone asked why i didn't organise one, but i just found it cringey - getting everyone to come and make a fuss of me and give me presents for being pregnant. We had a baby headwetting in the pub instead - then everyone could make a fuss of HER, which made a lot more sense, without the obligation to buy gifts (which some kind people did anyway!)

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 24/04/2017 06:07

I call my DP my partner on MN and in formal situations (like talking to estate agents on the phone). Apart from that, I call him my fiancé or by his name.

DF calls DP my boyfriend even though we're engaged, have a DD and live together. Winds me up. Call him by his name or call him my fiancé. Angry

Bluntness100 · 24/04/2017 06:27

Not sure why a joint account is "cringe" it's simply a practical way of managing finances when living together. It doesn't need to be for everything but works best for joint household bills. As you do not live together it would be rather weird to have one.

You can call him whatever you please, but you shouldn't say "partner in crime" or "cringe" because it's, well, a bit "cringe" really.😳

lelapaletute · 24/04/2017 06:33

Have to say, 'partner in crime' sounds naff though. Up there with 'cheeky Nandos' in efforts to make the mundane sound terribly risque and daring.

eurochick · 24/04/2017 06:39

Call him what you want. To me a partner is a long term lover that you have made a life together with by sharing a home and living more or less like husband and wife.

loverlybunchofcoconuts · 24/04/2017 07:17

YABU. Eighteen months with someone who don't live with, are not married to and don't have children with does not qualify him as a partner. A partner is a life partner.
This illustrates the issue perfectly - people who have their own, made up rules, which they announce as facts, and tell others off for not conforming to.

Reminds me of a work colleague who told me gravely that calling yourself 'Ms' indicates that your'e a lesbian. No amount of other saying that wasn't true could shake her certainty...I think some people learn stuff in the playground and never reevaluate!

OllyBJolly · 24/04/2017 07:33

I think it's used as a putdown in the same way as there are posters who call themselves "stepmum" when they have been with their bf for less than a year and don't live with the DCs. (yet have a lot of opinions on the EX and her parenting).

Partner to me suggests some longevity and commitment - on both sides.

KrayKray00 · 24/04/2017 07:35

I call my "significant other" my partner all the time and people assume that means I'm in a same sex relationship.

We have two children though and I use the term partner over boyfriend or fiancé

ProudBadMum · 24/04/2017 07:39

i didn't know there were rules. I'm not sure what I should call mine in my situation.

Living together, have a child but relationship is younger than the child...

So technically he's my partner yet not my partner as it's only been 5 months together.

So is he my half partner? Boyfriend baby daddy?

Usually just my fella or the prick or daughters dad depending on who I'm talking to tbh Grin

I usually just use his name though.

TheNaze73 · 24/04/2017 07:40

Call him what you want, ultimately I don't think anyone else would give a toss anyway.
I would never use the terms partner or fiancée, both put my teeth on edge & ultimately mean the square root of fuck all anyway, legally

londonrach · 24/04/2017 07:40

Seriously hate the word partner. Sounds like a business arrangement. Up to you what you call someone but if you dont share a house etc cant see why hes anymore than a boyfriend. My next door neighbour in her 60s calls her friend a boyfriend. Theyve separate houses in different parts of the uk. She was widowed some time ago. Doesnt matter what mn or random person down the road thinks but the fact you asking on here....