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AIBU?

Is he unreasonable or am I for letting him down

167 replies

Busybee233 · 22/04/2017 10:20

He moved in with me last summer, I'm naturally a messy person but clean. I have my pile of Cloths my side of the bed. Make up everywhere and other bits of mess in places. I promised my boyfriend I would have a big clean and sort out around Christmas. I keep starting it and then never finishing it. He always gets annoyed if he finds eg my shoes on the floor he will throw them down my side of the bed. this morning I found he had thrown my tooth paste on my laundry basket it was all over my dress. apparently I had left it in a stupid place like the floor I know this isn't true as my water bottle was on the table next to it and that was there to. This week I arranged to go out Saturday night for drinks and Tuesday for bowling he mentioned I still had my room to tidy. This week I had started it and realised made a good start along with working and having some big family stress. I told him I couldn't let my friends down again I've bailed on them loads recently due to last minute family stuff. His reply was so you won't let them down but you let me down loads with deadlines of sorting out your room am I not important. He amazing with everything else let's me go out when ever I want normaly helps me so much with life and I love him dearly

OP posts:

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EatsLeavesAndShit · 22/04/2017 16:02

The OP keeps saying she's messy, but in later posts says the 'mess' is her belongings in boxes under the bed that he wants to be thrown away. That's not mess, that's storage, and he's a controlling arse.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 22/04/2017 16:22

Omg a lot of the responses on here are awful. Why bother to take time to write something to the op if you are not bothering to read her posts.

Sorry op I wouldn't buy a place with this controlling twat.

zen1 · 22/04/2017 16:31

Don't move in with him. If his like this now with your parents around, what's he going to be like when it's just the two of you? He's already trying to control you.

Whocansay · 22/04/2017 16:37

expatinscotland You think it's unreasonable to make an effort when you live someone? Yes, he moved in with her, but I assume she wanted him to. Since when is compromise a bad thing? I assume most of us have aspects that are difficult to live with, but you curb them when you live with someone. Or at least I do. Maybe I'm doing it wrong!

expatinscotland · 22/04/2017 16:49

'expatinscotland You think it's unreasonable to make an effort when you live someone? '

I think it's utterly stupid to move in with someone when you know what they're like. If there's a dealbreaker, person's a slob, person's a gambler/drinker/smoker, person thinks housework is women's work, person is a hoarder/stringent minimalist, then you don't move in with them! Because people don't change fundamentally. And if you RTFT you'll see this man is controlling and manipulative. Another fundamental part of a person that will never change.

Fruitcocktail6 · 22/04/2017 16:53

DP is far messier than me, we compromised that he has his clothes/junk pile, but it stays on his side of the bed, out of my line of view.

When it spreads out to the rest of the floor I push it back in.

With the rest of the house we're okay.

Whocansay · 22/04/2017 17:17

I have RTFT again to see if I've missed something. Nope. He just sounds pissed off with the mess. But if he leaves beer bottles under the bed is somewhat of a hypocrite. I can't see controlling or manipulative from what she's said though. And did he know what she was like when he moved in? I so, he may have reasonably assumed she'd accommodate him a bit better than this.

I just don't think they are compatible. And there's a lot of projection on this thread.

expatinscotland · 22/04/2017 17:26

'I can't see controlling or manipulative from what she's said though.'

Dear god, no wonder so many end up with abusive twats. He 'lets her go out', he punished her by coating her dress with toothpaste, he told her she had to 'tidy her room' before going out, but nah, nothing controlling or manipulative about that . Some people have their bar set so low Froddo Baggins could limbo under it.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 22/04/2017 17:32

Hang on, you are not allowed to go out unless you tidy your room, yet I cleaned under his side of the bed

You also wrote that I always make sure the kitchens clean and floors hoovered bed sheets are clean

Why the fuck are you doing his share of the cleaning?

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2017 17:52

Some people have their bar set so low Froddo Baggins could limbo under it.

ClopySow · 22/04/2017 18:05

Sounds like you're a bit messy. Sounds like he's a bit of a cunt.

I'm going to clean my room now, because it's an absolute shit tip. While i'm doing that, i think you should spring clean your life and get him tae fuck.

HazelBite · 22/04/2017 18:06

The truth of the matter is what was one persons space has suddenly become the space for two. I extra with all their "stuff"to find space for. It sounds as if the Op in making space for her boyfriend has not de-cluttered or culled any of her possessions.
It is not very relaxing to be in a messy room, and the OP should have made the effort before he moved in, and really should make time to do it. There are a couple of Bank Holidays coming the Op should set aside one of them and make the effort and take it from there.

Wedrine4me · 22/04/2017 18:08

i do think you need to sort this out before you buy anywhere together. If he's like this living with your family, what will he be like on your own.

You need to work out if it is basic incompatibility where you can reach a compromise or if he really is a controlling arse.

Itsnotwhatitseems · 22/04/2017 18:40

re reading the thread and realise your boyfriend lives with you and your family, this makes more sense of his reaction to the messy bedroom as its his only private space, assuming the living areas is shared by the whole family. a messy bedroom isn't so bad if you can escape to a clean and tidy area.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 22/04/2017 19:00

Op post n actual photo of the room.

Also, did he coat your dress in toothpaste or throw the toothpaste at the laundry basket in frustrtion and some ended up on the dress?

Do you have to ask permission to go out, or do you quite reasonbly Check with each other whether there is a clash before making firm plans to go out?

What does he clean / tidy? Staying at your families house he might not feel comfortble taking on jobs, has he been given any? whats his attitude towards housework?

How long have you been a couple?

AhYerWill · 22/04/2017 19:06

Doesn't matter how messy you are, anyone that deliberately damages your stuff to 'punish you' is a bullying cunt. Living with a nasty, petty minded bully is not the route to happiness...

Busybee233 · 22/04/2017 21:33

We have our own kitchen and living room it's tiny but our own space he threw it for no reason it was on the side of the sink

OP posts:

Wedrine4me · 22/04/2017 21:50

Do YOU think it's a healthy relationship op? Is he as controlling in other area as some of us think? You are not giving much away. We need to know more about the dynamics of your general relationship before we can say if he's just fussy or it's a real problem. Does he respect you?

Also is your parents relationship equal and respectful? I'm just wondering whether you know how a healthy relationship works?

cheminotte · 22/04/2017 22:17

Toothpaste doesn't normally leave the tube on its own, so if some got on your dress that sounds deliberate.

Busybee233 · 23/04/2017 08:49

He completely respects me I do most the cooking and cleaning but he helps at the weekend and when he can he works long hours I finish really early we usually go out for dinner once a week watch a film and snuggle every evening go for walks see friends together

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 23/04/2017 08:56

Cheeky bastard. He doesn't get to leave the cooking and cleaning to you then complain about it. Don't stand for it.

You don't sound genuinely messy to me.

Has he apologised for the toothpaste incident?

You are going out with your mates anyway aren't you?

Sad face, don't you care about meeeee, when you want to go out with your mates is how controlling behaviour starts.

SecretNetter · 23/04/2017 09:07

Op has majorly back-pedalled on this thread. It's gone from 'piles of clothes' and 'make up everywhere' to neat boxes stored under the bed

I think the bf has had a rough deal on here tbh...he sounds like he's just pissed off with the piles of shit everywhere and his gf not bothering in to sort it, just promising and putting it off.

After 4 months I'm not surprised he's telling you to sort it out before you plan nights out etc...if you're going to act like a lazy teenager, he's going to start speaking to you like one.

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Penfold007 · 23/04/2017 09:11

He's a lazy, controlling cocklodger. Is that really what you want?

pilates · 23/04/2017 09:23

He has moved in with you. He either puts up with it or leaves. I can understand if you are a naturally tidy person this would cause problems within the relationship. If you are looking for a long term relationship you may be in trouble.

Wedrine4me · 23/04/2017 09:53

For me the jury is still out. I'm no further in deciding if the op is just rather messy or if she's in a seriously dysfunctional relationship. I'm erring towards the, she doesn't realise how unhealthy the relationship is, camp.
Is he normally ok with you going out with your friends on your own? If he sees a mess elsewhere will he tidy it up himself or will he moan until you do it?
Has he apologised profusely over the toothpaste getting on your clothes - as he should if it was a genuine accident although why did he throw it in the first place if it was by the sink? Has he asked you to put the top on numerous times and he got frustrated and threw it? It would drive me barmy if DH kept leaving the top off, I might even throw it in frustration but then if I got toothpaste actually over his clothes I'd be very apologetic. We need more information about the context leading up to such incidents and his reactions at the time and afterwards.

I'm still confused as to say "ltb" or "clean up your shit"

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