Is he unreasonable or am I for letting him down

[Busybee233]

He moved in with me last summer, I'm naturally a messy person but clean. I have my pile of Cloths my side of the bed. Make up everywhere and other bits of mess in places. I promised my boyfriend I would have a big clean and sort out around Christmas. I keep starting it and then never finishing it. He always gets annoyed if he finds eg my shoes on the floor he will throw them down my side of the bed. this morning I found he had thrown my tooth paste on my laundry basket it was all over my dress. apparently I had left it in a stupid place like the floor I know this isn't true as my water bottle was on the table next to it and that was there to. This week I arranged to go out Saturday night for drinks and Tuesday for bowling he mentioned I still had my room to tidy. This week I had started it and realised made a good start along with working and having some big family stress. I told him I couldn't let my friends down again I've bailed on them loads recently due to last minute family stuff. His reply was so you won't let them down but you let me down loads with deadlines of sorting out your room am I not important. He amazing with everything else let's me go out when ever I want normaly helps me so much with life and I love him dearly

[LookAtTheFlowersKerry]

The mess really isn't the issue here. He is. He 'lets you go out'? What the actual Jeff?

[Busybee233]

I'm not slovenly I have to full laundry baskets one my side of the bed and one in the bathroom my bed side is covered in my stuff and my make up table the rest is all away In boxes under my bed or above my wardrobe eg wetsuits life jacket hats for horse racing weekend bags

[Questioningeverything]

He sounds like a controlling twat

[SaucyJack]

I just don't think you're compatible TBH.

You are slob by the way- don't kid yourself. I am too so no judgement.

But the kind of mess that's taking you four months to sort- or that doing over a week is a "good start" on is proper Kim and Aggie territory.

[AngelThursday]

I think you're being UR
You for promising to do something months ago that you either never had any intention of doing or just don't see as important. In both cases you've broken your promise.
He shouldn't be trying to control you but I suspect he's very frustrated by your messiness and feels let down that you haven't kept your word. I can see why this would make him feel unvalued.
I think you need to have a think about how much you actually want this relationship. If you aren't prepared to clean up as promised months^ ago, and he's saying he'll leave if you don't, then it's kind of a question of how much does he mean to you.
Another key question is - did you promise to be tidier before he moved in? Cos if you did, you're definitely UR but if he didn't mention it then not so

[Twentyten2010]

I'm a messy person. I have all my clothes in the spare room to keep our main bedroom tidy. It took me two hours last weekend to sort out a VERY messy room.

If you still haven't managed to sort your stuff out after four months, I dread to think how bad it is.

[RedSkyAtNight]

This is definitely the sort of thread that would have got a chorus of LTB if it had been posted from the other side.

Two full laundry baskets (just of your stuff?) and things all down the side of your bed is very messy for a single person.

Plus you've been promising to tidy up for months - if you didn't think it was an issue why promise? If you did think it was an issue, you should have done what you promised!

[Allthebestnamesareused]

It does sound as though you said you'd tidy up/be tidier when he moved in,. Maybe he took you at your word and feels let down. I get twitchy myself when people in my house (DH/kids) leave things "not in their place". My dh is much better at making sure he doesn't leave things around and I have learned to get much better at letting some things go.

Its called compromise. It may seem to him that you haven't done this.

The "allowing you out thing" is weird but maybe was a clumsy attempt at saying you are doing things he perceives as unnecessary over things he perceives as necessary.

How do you feel if he tidies your stuff? Mine is okay with me doing that which sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I ask him to tidy up and sometimes I can cope with the mess!

[thatdearoctopus]

Mess aside (and I'm on the fence with that one), can you not see how that one sentence, "he lets me go out" is SO wrong?

[happypoobum]

Is he your boyfriend or your dad?

If he doesn't want to live with you he can fuck off.

However, it would probably be helpful if we had a photo to ascertain what level of mess we are talking about. I am thinking of a post a few months ago from someone bemoaning their daughters pigsty of a room and it just had about three things out of place.

[Birdsgottaf1y]

He's doing what is suggested on every thread, when the OP has had enough of living in a shit tip, that they are expected to tidy, or live with.

Actually posters are usually advised to start binning stuff because the owner obviously doesn't care about the item.

It sounds as though you are incompatible, living together wise.

""normaly helps me so much with life""

What does that mean? is he getting fed up of being the Adult, responsible one?

[DaisyQueen]

I couldn't cope with the mess you are describing and you said yourself you promised to tidy up 4 months ago and still haven't. I can't even imagine what state it must be. Either keep to your promise or tell him to sling his hook, him leaving sounds best tbh as you don't sound compatible.

[Birdsgottaf1y]

""Is he your boyfriend or your dad?""

That's what most OPs say of their messy partners, they have become 'Mum' and it starts to kill your sex life,because resentment builds.

[elfycat]

I'm a messy person. No apology. I have piles of clean clothing that can wait weeks for me to sort and put away. I can only use half of the 3 seater sofa as there's stuff on it (books, blanket, toy cat, notebook etc).

Nothing's disgusting. I just about keep onto of washing up and the dirty laundry. The floor was swept yesterday but could use a wash.

DH wanted the house tidy and used to nag me a bit. Then we took OU degrees and the work/study/family commitments made him realise that 'tidy' can be a luxury. When he met me he knew I was untidy and I've never promised to change.

You're not going to change, and being told what to do like that is completely unreasonable. I agree with whoever said you should clean the door and invite him to use it. This is the happy new-love bit of the relationship and it sounds so wrong already. Even if you promised to change... that's not what relationships are about. People can't be expected to change what they are.

Being untidy is a part of who I am. I don't spend time tidying because I spend time in creative hobbies that create clutter (looks to balls of yarn on the chair opposite, notebooks from writing MA next to me). If I spend time tidying it would not be me. I offer no apologies to people who pop in.

[Weatherforecaster]

I couldn't live with the mess. It stresses me out. You need to be tidier. He will lighten up when it's not a friggin pigsty. There's no excuse for being an utter slob.

[nicenewdusters]

You like to live in a mess, no problem. He likes it all clean and tidy - no problem. You live in the same home - problem.

Either you both compromise, in your case just tidy up and put away. It doesn't take planning, promises, commitment - just effort and the will to do it. He needs to relax about it a bit, recognise you're not like him and accept your differences. Basically it comes down to respect on both sides.

[whomovedmychocolate]

I loathe really messy people - you can't say you are both clean and messy, because mess collects dirt. Go have a look now OP around your house, is it ACTUALLY clean or is it dirty underneath the mess?

I think as a functioning adult you ought to be able to get your shit together on this front and frankly I can understand why your DP is annoyed. I have had my stuff ruined by, for example, piles of stuff falling onto it and yes toothpaste on the floor is minging.

I'm not going to get into the 'allowed out' bit as my DP and I also clear it with each other to go out socially as in 'would you mind if I go out with X on Wednesday, I'll probably be home really late so you'll have to put the chickens away' which is a far cry from 'please may I go to Sainsburys' type mentality.

Do you actually want him to live with you anymore, or is some part of you being revolting (lit and fig) to drive him away. I hate sharing my space 24x7. DP lives elsewhere and stays at the weekend. It works for us, and lots of people. Perhaps look for a compromise?

[ijustwannadance]

Do you ever wash your bloody clothes? 2 overflowing laundry baskets just for you?

Maybe he just wants to go to bed in a nice relaxing room rather than have to constantly look at all your shite. I suspect your messiness spills into every room.

No, he shouldn't tell you to clean your room. He shouldn't fucking have to!

[wisemonkey]

Living happily with someone involves compromise, to some extent, on both sides. You don't sound willing to try to be tidier so you aren't compatible. Either you have to change or he has to move out.

[AyeAmarok]

Maybe you should pay for a cleaner to come once a week/fortnight and sort your shit out for you, if you can't get on top of it yourself.

Problem solved.

I can't imagine he much likes the teen-dad relationship you have either.

[TalkingofMichaelAngel0]

A cleaner cant help. A cleaner is there to clean surfaces, floor, bathroom, kitchen. They cant waste their time tidying a mess that op took a week to 'make a start on' as they wont have the time to actually clean!

[BlondeBecky1983]

Sort your stuff out, 4 months is ridiculous.

[DiseasesOfTheSheep]

I'd find it very hard living with someone who is as messy as you describe, and I would be very resentful of the constant, broken promises of tidying up for months on end.

Also... Er... Hats for horse racing? Really?

[icanteven]

I couldn't live with you. You want to live in filth, he doesn't. He has tried desperately to make you change, and he can't. He should move out as I don't think you're compatible and this isn't going to resolve itself if you don't actually see a problem with how you want to live.

If tidying your room is more than a 20 minute job, you have a problem.

[cdtaylornats]

Its not her room its their room. I bet he has tried to tidy it and she's thrown a hissy fit and said she would do it.