Is he unreasonable or am I for letting him down

[Busybee233]

He moved in with me last summer, I'm naturally a messy person but clean. I have my pile of Cloths my side of the bed. Make up everywhere and other bits of mess in places. I promised my boyfriend I would have a big clean and sort out around Christmas. I keep starting it and then never finishing it. He always gets annoyed if he finds eg my shoes on the floor he will throw them down my side of the bed. this morning I found he had thrown my tooth paste on my laundry basket it was all over my dress. apparently I had left it in a stupid place like the floor I know this isn't true as my water bottle was on the table next to it and that was there to. This week I arranged to go out Saturday night for drinks and Tuesday for bowling he mentioned I still had my room to tidy. This week I had started it and realised made a good start along with working and having some big family stress. I told him I couldn't let my friends down again I've bailed on them loads recently due to last minute family stuff. His reply was so you won't let them down but you let me down loads with deadlines of sorting out your room am I not important. He amazing with everything else let's me go out when ever I want normaly helps me so much with life and I love him dearly

[FeckTheMagicDragon]

I'm a slob. I hate tidying up. But I am clean. No one knows I'm a slob. I've trained myself to do the following:
Put a wash load on every evening or morning and out to dry (do it when I go out or come in from work) that stops my laundry basket from flowing over.
Stop myself from having a floor-drobe - take something off goes straight in the wash basket OR hung up if I'm going to wear it again - like jeans. Nothing in between.
Cooking, brushing my teeth,hair, putting make up on - all tools go back in the drawer/box/table as soon as I finish.
Going into the kitchen, bathroom, bedroom - bring something with me - a dirty mug, clean clothes, toilet roll.
The above took me years to master. I'm not smug about it. Just relieved that I'm kind of on top of things. You have to make it a habit, so you don't even think about it. Start with just one, and work from there (mine was the hanging clothes up when I went to bed)
My desk is still a mess though :)

The most important thing though - I did it for myself.

[MrsMopper]

He sounds a little controlling BUT.. I have a messy dh and it drives me fucking INSANE. It is 95% of what we disagree about and if he could just pick up after himself it'd be a much happier household.

[WonderMike]

You do sound a bit like a slob However, he sounds like a total nob. He won't let you go out with your friends until you've tidied your room? Seriously

[Crispbutty]

I'm lucky me and dp are both messy so we are compatible We work long hours every day though and have a blitz of the place once a week.

[rollonthesummer]

I've never met someone who thinks they're "messy" who isn't a total slob. You sound the same.

Absolutely. Your mess sounds unbearable-just spend a couple of hours sorting it out! I don't understand people who say their houses are messy, but clean. No-they're not. If there's mess everywhere, you can't clean properly!

However, he also sounds like a bit of an arse and you don't sound terribly compatible!

[Benedikte2]

OP tidiness is a strongly heritable trait so basically the human race is divided into tidy and untidy this has nothing to do with cleanliness. What were your parents like? What are his parents like?
He is unlikely to change and you will always be fighting against your nature to please him. It will only get worse if you have children with their mountain of accessories etc. I suppose it wasn't too much of a problem in the days when our ancestors had few possessions and the rich who did had huge houses and servants. I am pessimistic about your long term prospects of a long term relationship with this man. He is controlling as well and won't get any less controlling. LTB and Good Luck

[Busybee233]

It's not that I'm messy he wants me to remove all my boxes under my bed throw out everything in them even though it's all neat away

[Busybee233]

Imagine that With a pile of make up pallets and two hair spray bottles perfume hair serum hair brush out with out the draws underneath he also wants me to chuck out loads of my clothes even though I wear most of them or there seasonal like ski jackets sailing stuff I work 6 days a week and then have a family member I help look after and I do all the cooking and cleaning not tidying just cleaning I recently spent all day moving the room around to make it look better And so we had a fair divide of draw space I cleaned under his side of the bed was full of beer bottles plates and food packets

[happypoobum]

I suspected this. It really isn't that messy love.

And he has beer bottles, plates and food on his wide of the bed?

And he wants to control what you wear?

And when you go out?

I agree with PP that you two aren't compatible. because he is a controlling dick

[Nanny0gg]

Ewww! You're not the slob - he is!!

You are not compatible.

[Busybee233]

He won't control what I wear but he's moved like 5 times past 2 years so he culls stuff on each move I've moved once in my life and I do tend to keep stuff I don't wear often but don't most people

[Rossigigi]

Instead of venting on here year the time and just get it done. Problem solved

[Rossigigi]

Just*

[loverlybunchofcoconuts]

You don't really sound compatible I'm afraid. I'm messy too (no dirty stuff, just piles of clean stuff not put away, books etc), and I can understand bits annoying for some people, but I don't want to spend my life meeting someone else's standards.
If it was HIS house, he'd have some justification for saying you must live his way (but not for telling you whether you can go out!). As its your house, he should either get used to it or sling his hook; there is a danger you could spend years squabbling over more and more minor irritations to do with this.
Incidentally, my EX was much messier than me, and thought I fussed too much - so its quite subjective what is 'too messy'. When he left a Stanley knife out for our toddler and his friend to find, I really started to define where 'too messy' was tho!

[BlondeBecky1983]

That's really not very messy! Let him move out!

[LookAtTheFlowersKerry]

My house is a shit tip most of the time. We have two laundry baskets that are usually overflowing, piles of clean laundry to be put away, we both have a floordrobe. There are bits and bobs of 'stuff' all over. I do a big tidy usually once a week and clean most days and then once every few months I get the rage and have a big declutter.

I love it when it's tidy but with two messy teens, a five year old and a husband with many hobbies that involve clutter, it's a losing battle. And I'm simply not prepared to spend my entire life keeping on top of it.

Dh isn't remotely bothered by it. If he was that way inclined I couldn't live with him. My mother is a tidy freak and I suppose I've just naturally rebelled against that.

[KungFuEric]

Is that a picture of your room or a stock picture you've found from the Internet? If so that's pretty misleading.

[TathitiPete]

But that's not a pic of your messy room. So to help people picture the mess you've basically said 'like this, but messy'

[pinkdonkey]

I'm messy, DH likes it tidy, we were a lot like you when we first moved in. Over the years we have learned to compromise. I make an effort to be less messy/keep on top of my mess. DH has learnt to relax and accept that ours will never be a show home.

[Wedrine4me]

It very much depends on the extent that he is tidy and you are messy. If either of you are extreme then you are just incompatible. Two extremes = extreme incompatibility.

My Dh is fussy in some areas but I rationalise that I am the "normal" one so that if he wants it super tidy then he can do it, but I am sure that he would say the same about my idiosyncrasies. I am fussy about things that just don't bother him and although I moan I know I'll have to do it as its just not important to him. But the thing is there is give and take on both sides. None of it is a deal breaker.


If this is the only area of your relationship that he is fussy about and he's said it is a deal breaker then you need to consider whether the relationship is worth it the picture doesn't look too bad, but your descriptions do make you sound a slob
If he likes to control other aspects of your relationship too, then you need to question whether your relationship is healthy.
Or you might just be a slob and his annoyance might be justified?
What would other people you both know, say?

[Letseatgrandma]

Why have you posted a random picture of a tidy table and said yours is like this but messy.

Why don't you upload a photo of your bedroom now-without tidying up first.

Or you could just get off the internet and go and tidy up instead!

[AmserGwin]

Post a proper photo then we could tell you if your he's actually got a point or if he's just being fussy. I suspect as you put a fake photo up, it's probably quite a mess! You haven't tidied it since before Xmas? 😲

[whomovedmychocolate]

FFS BEDROOMS ARE FOR SLEEPING AND HAVING SEX.

They should not be repositories for crap.

How can you sleep if your bedroom has piles of stuff on the floor?

Tidy up. I promise you. You'll feel better.

[expatinscotland]

'he also wants me to chuck out loads of my clothes even though I wear most of them or there seasonal like ski jackets sailing stuff I work 6 days a week and then have a family member I help look after and I do all the cooking and cleaning not tidying just cleaning I recently spent all day moving the room around to make it look better '

Mess aside, get rid of this controlling person! Grow a backbone, no one can ever love you unless you love yourself first. You are incompatible. So what Stealth said, clean the front door and invite him to use it.

[expatinscotland]

And he doesn't have a point! He knew what she was like, chose to move in with her and now manipulates her - change or I'll leave, I'll let you go out after you tidy. C'mon to fuck! You can shift a shedload of crap out of your life when you dump him.