Is he unreasonable or am I for letting him down

[Busybee233]

He moved in with me last summer, I'm naturally a messy person but clean. I have my pile of Cloths my side of the bed. Make up everywhere and other bits of mess in places. I promised my boyfriend I would have a big clean and sort out around Christmas. I keep starting it and then never finishing it. He always gets annoyed if he finds eg my shoes on the floor he will throw them down my side of the bed. this morning I found he had thrown my tooth paste on my laundry basket it was all over my dress. apparently I had left it in a stupid place like the floor I know this isn't true as my water bottle was on the table next to it and that was there to. This week I arranged to go out Saturday night for drinks and Tuesday for bowling he mentioned I still had my room to tidy. This week I had started it and realised made a good start along with working and having some big family stress. I told him I couldn't let my friends down again I've bailed on them loads recently due to last minute family stuff. His reply was so you won't let them down but you let me down loads with deadlines of sorting out your room am I not important. He amazing with everything else let's me go out when ever I want normaly helps me so much with life and I love him dearly

[Busybee233]

It's a stock picture similar to my room that's how my dressing table is with perfume bottles hair brush hair spray deodorant on it I didn't want to put a picture of my actual room on fb

[Busybee233]

*mn

[kirstxx]

I am messy as fuck but clean. I have a pile of clean clothes folded on my chair which is waiting to be put away. My dressing table is covered in all my lotions and potions. I have too many books for my shelf space. We've just moved out of our own (rented) house and into his parents which has amplified the situation because we now have one room for our stuff rather than a house.

I'll be the first to admit I'm a clothes hoarder which contributes to most of the mess but I just need to get it organised (I.e get some of those vacuum bags for stuff I won't wear through spring and summer)
My OH knew exactly how I was before we lived together so it wouldn't be fair of him to 'ground' me until I tidy up my stuff.
I wonder if you haven't got over the idea that it's not just your house if he has joined you in what was your space.. that might add to his frustrations.
If he's as controlling as he sounds then get rid but if he's genuinely at his wits end with the mess then make some compromises I'd say.

[expatinscotland]

It's her bedroom! He chose to move into it knowing what it was like. How messy it is misses the point, she's moved in a controlling, manipulative person who puts toothpaste on her clothes to punish her and tells her she needs to change to suit him or he'll take his ball and go home. Who the fuck condones staying in a relationship like that?

I've had relationships with men who were slobs. So I didn't move in with them!

[Somerville]

It's impossible to answer posts like this without a photo of the level of mess.

Having said that, I don't think the relationship you're describing sounds healthy. You either need to both learn to communicate a LOT better, or end it.

[ComputerUserNotTrained]

There's a book called Unfuck Your Habitat which is quite good (I need it!). I think the best way to unfuck your habitat though would be to boot the controlling twat out on his ear.

[KungFuEric]

Why do you think you chose a picture that is pretty immaculate, and chose to add caveats to follow up the addition of light mess, rather than just find a picture that was more truthful? I googled messy dressing table, there was a wide spectrum of levels of mess to choose from but you chose a table with none whatsoever. That kind of ties in with you making excuses generally.

You don't sound compatible with your partner.

[OverthinkingSpartacus]

The unfuck your habitat app is great too. It's free on iPad.

It gives you little five minute jobs and ive found it helpful to sort my cluster out.

I'm messy but not dirty. Dh doesn't mean though as he knows I pick way more of his shit up whike he's never had to pick up anything of mine. I have a little pile next to my chair with crochet stuff, my diary stuff and colouring stuff, sometimes the like gets a little bigger and I'll put some shit away when it happens, dh wouldn't order me to clear up because he isn't my parent and it's our home, not just his. Ive done enough picking up after him and dd over the years so I'll put my own stuff away when I'm ready and not using it.

[WhatALoadOfOldBollocks]

YABU for being a slob and expecting the person that shares the space with you to put up with it. It shows a complete lack of respect IMHO. Just tidy your shit up or go find yourself another slob to shack up with so you can both happily live in a mess. It sounds as though you said you'd be tidy if he moved in but you haven't so he rightly feels a bit let down. You also keep saying you'll sort it and never do. That right royally pisses me off when people don't do what they say they will. It's not nice living with a messy person as looking at mess isn't at all relaxing. I can see why it's getting to him, and I think it's showing in the way he's approaching the subject with you.

It's her bedroom!
It was until he moved in and now it's their bedroom, surely? If she wants to behave as though it's only her territory to treat as she likes (nothing wrong with that) she should only have him round to visit, not have him live with her.

[AyeAmarok]

Posting a photo of a very tidy dressing table, saying "this is like mine, but mine has more mess", basically, is so pointlessly ridiculous it's really funny

[floraeasy]

No point in posting a photo as people have different levels of cleanliness and will never agree. We see this every day on the "how often do you wash/clean your......" threads.

The bit that worries me most is the contempt this man shows towards you and the controlling way he is handling the issue.

It's not so much there is a problem to be solved (all relationship have those at one time or another), but it's the way people treat each other when there's an issue that is really telling.

[Busybee233]

We have one tiny bedroom and I mini kitchen that got put in we live with family we don't have a lot of space I've lived in this house most my child hood and never really had a clear out he won't have anything on the window sills where as I think it's ok to have a plant photos and an ornament

[Busybee233]

The floor is clear and clean I've compromised and have my dressing table which isn't insanely neat and my side of the bed that's it's an I not allowed to have my space

[Itsnotwhatitseems]

ok, well its a beautiful sunny day, perfect for drying clothes, take your laundry bins downstairs, sort into coloureds etc and make a plan to get them empty by Sunday night...while the washing is in, sort your make up into some sort of order, maybe a shelf with organisers for the clutter would be helpful. The ask him to ensure he doesn't leave beer bottles and plates on his side of the room as I I unhygienic and could attract rats..:) his mess sounds worse than yours tbh...

[Guiltypleasures001]

Bin him off op he sounds controlling

[Itsnotwhatitseems]

is it like this

[Busybee233]

No way is it like that I have plastic storage draws a lipstick stand big jug for my brushes just no room
For 4 large palettes hair spray perfume and hair serum

[Busybee233]

I'm at work all weekend seeing my dad Sunday night and out tonight

[Busybee233]

We also don't have a drying line only one washing machine and dryer between 6 of us have to wash sheets every day for family member and washing machine and drier can't be on over dinner as in main room with kitchen and to room

[IbizaTieDye]

Your living situation doesn't sound ideal OP but obviously it is what it is

Living with mess is horrible but beer bottles plates and food packets down the side of the bed sounds much worse than some full washing baskets and bits of makeup on a table! Get a storage box for the palettes and it sounds fine

Saying you can't go out until you've tidied your room is appalling. I used to let things get in a big mess but now I just do a quick tidy up every night and it never gets bad.

[ijustwannadance]

So you basically have everything you have ever owed in a room from your childhood home that he now has to try to fit into as well? Perhaps it's time for a clear out or maybe move out into a place of your own together?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I am the messy one in my relationship.

But you clean and do all the housework and have caring responsibilities and he does nothing? While telling you what to do?

Get rid of him; he's no good.

[Greggers2017]

to be fair OP you do sound disgusting and that would irritate me. If it's taken you 4 months to get round to it. And if it's just putting clothes away it should take half hour max.

[Busybee233]

It's taken me long as I can only manage one wash a day max due to everyone else needing it we are saving for a mortgage won't take long and then things will be fine more space office each bigger room and everything will be culled in the move