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AIBU?

Is he unreasonable or am I for letting him down

167 replies

Busybee233 · 22/04/2017 10:20

He moved in with me last summer, I'm naturally a messy person but clean. I have my pile of Cloths my side of the bed. Make up everywhere and other bits of mess in places. I promised my boyfriend I would have a big clean and sort out around Christmas. I keep starting it and then never finishing it. He always gets annoyed if he finds eg my shoes on the floor he will throw them down my side of the bed. this morning I found he had thrown my tooth paste on my laundry basket it was all over my dress. apparently I had left it in a stupid place like the floor I know this isn't true as my water bottle was on the table next to it and that was there to. This week I arranged to go out Saturday night for drinks and Tuesday for bowling he mentioned I still had my room to tidy. This week I had started it and realised made a good start along with working and having some big family stress. I told him I couldn't let my friends down again I've bailed on them loads recently due to last minute family stuff. His reply was so you won't let them down but you let me down loads with deadlines of sorting out your room am I not important. He amazing with everything else let's me go out when ever I want normaly helps me so much with life and I love him dearly

OP posts:

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AnnieAnoniMouse · 22/04/2017 15:14

I couldn't live with you.

You sound like a friend of mine. Her house is a shit tip, always has been, always will be - especially now she has two kids. But she's always doing stuff, meeting up with people, doing things for the kids/school etc. She likes her life & doesn't care about the house being a shit tip. It's less clean that it could be, but it's not a health hazard. I have no problem visiting staying etc & don't care at all that you have to step carefully and clear a space if you want to sit down. It's a warm, welcoming, chaotic, cosy space - but I couldn't live there. She, I'm sure, would say the same about living at mine 'too tidy/organised' and she wouldn't feel right. Shrug.

You're not compatible and he's massively controlling.

I know you said you don't want him to move out, but why is that? Are you afraid of being on your own again? Better that than someone who wants to change you.

Chippednailvarnishing · 22/04/2017 15:16

everything will be culled in the move

If you can't manage to sort one room out in four months you're kidding yourself.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2017 15:16

Think very carefully about buying a house with someone who tries to control your behaviour. Very very carefully.

How old are you OP?

EatsLeavesAndShit · 22/04/2017 15:17

You are probably messy (4 months to clean up is a bit of a giveaway) but he sounds like a complete arsehole.

He's not your dad. He can't tell you that you're not going out until you've cleaned your room.

Just out of interest, since he moved into your family home, does he pay rent? Is it anything approaching a market rate? Or is he trying to bully you down with inconsequential shit so you won't realise that you're bringing way more to the table than him?

Busybee233 · 22/04/2017 15:25

He pays market rate to my mum not knowing that it's being saved for us I pay rent to I have cleared it before it hasn't taken 4 months of nothing I clear it put it all away in boxes under the bed it's not good enough needs to be away in another room he's got boxes of his stuff in another room un packed because we have no space and not much storage it's all odd bits of furniture we had spare

OP posts:

LonginesPrime · 22/04/2017 15:27

He shouldn't have moved in with you with the intention of changing you, and his bullying tactics aren't attractive.

It sounds like you weren't quite ready to move in together so I'd move him out again sharpish.

limon · 22/04/2017 15:27

Yabu. Sorry. Your mess would really poss me off. When you share space with someone you both have to compromise. Sounds like he is doing all the compromising.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 22/04/2017 15:29

we are saving for a mortgage
I know it may not seem ideal but may I suggest you seriously consider renting a bigger place together for a while if you can afford it. Far better to make sure you can live in harmony before you make such a massive commitment than to find out later. I say this from bitter experience when I found out the hard way (thousands of pounds and lots of stress) that my ex and I couldn't live easily together! I appreciate your living environment isn't great but it could be far better if you really kept on top of things. But you seem naturally more messy than him which means the 2 are not compatible on a very important issue.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2017 15:30

limon have you read that he has boxes of stuff and leaves plates and beer bottles under the bed.

I'm going to end up shouting.

HE'S CONTROLLING AND NO MORE TIDY OR CLEAN THAN THE OP.

gleam · 22/04/2017 15:31

'He won't have anything on the windowsills...'

Who does he think he is?

LonginesPrime · 22/04/2017 15:31

He pays market rate to my mum not knowing that it's being saved for us

Ok, so your mum is being very (secretly) generous and saving his rent up to give it back to him at some point, but in his eyes, he's paying market rent to live in a pigsty with you? Do you think telling him this might ease the situation a tad?

Out of interest, why haven't you told him that he'll get his rent back?

expatinscotland · 22/04/2017 15:33

'It's taken me long as I can only manage one wash a day max due to everyone else needing it we are saving for a mortgage won't take long and then things will be fine more space office each bigger room and everything will be culled in the move'

So you're not listening to anything he's showing you, are you? He is a controlling, manipulative bully. And you're going to buy a house with him? 'A fool and his money are soon parted.'

Whocansay · 22/04/2017 15:33

I don't think your BF is controlling, I think he sounds thoroughly sick of the mess. I'd hate to live like that too.

Why can't you just get on with it? I genuinely don't understand why you are more happy to piss him off and lose the relationship, than tidy up your own shit. You are letting him down and personally I would resent the utter lack of respect that you show in leaving your mess around. You have no regard for his feelings and appear to be utterly selfish.

LonginesPrime · 22/04/2017 15:36

Who gets to keep the saved up rent he's been paying if you split up, OP?

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2017 15:37

HE LEAVES BEER BOTTLES UNDER THE BED.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 22/04/2017 15:38

FFS don't buy a house with this man! I sincerely hope your mum gives the rent back to you, when you ditch him.

EatsLeavesAndShit · 22/04/2017 15:39

Please don't move in with him. You're unhappy already. He put toothpaste on your dress to punish you. Who does that?!

He sounds like my friend's ex who would be suddenly gripped by a need to clean 'all this mess!' and threw away her children's birth certificates, her childhood toys, her passport - none of his own stuff though, that always survived the purge...

expatinscotland · 22/04/2017 15:41

don't think your BF is controlling, I think he sounds thoroughly sick of the mess. I'd hate to live like that too.

Why can't you just get on with it? I genuinely don't understand why you are more happy to piss him off and lose the relationship, than tidy up your own shit. You are letting him down and personally I would resent the utter lack of respect that you show in leaving your mess around. You have no regard for his feelings and appear to be utterly selfish.

It was HER house! A person is entitled to live however he/she pleases in his/her own home. HE chose to move in there knowing how she was, but now all the sudden she needs to start living to his standards or she's selfish?

Wake up and smell the coffee, OP!

Can you see why so many women end up in shit relationships?!

leighdinglady · 22/04/2017 15:42

Presumably you share a bedroom? If so, I'd be bloody livid with you too. It's infuriating hearing someone say "I'll do it later/tomorrow" Tomorrow never comes.

Grow up and start having some respect for your shared spaces. He lives there too.

Catherinebee85 · 22/04/2017 15:42

He let's you go out whenever you want?

Can't get over this comment!

Presumably he had been to your place before he moved in with you? If the mess is ridiculous I can see why it would be irritating but it sounds like he's getting passive aggressive and really petty about it. I couldn't put up with that!

hollyisalovelyname · 22/04/2017 15:47

Ok, you you are messy, he is not.
He will not allow you out. That is a deal breaker/ red flag / whatever.
How dare he.
Are you 10 ?

PNGirl · 22/04/2017 15:51

What do you mean when he says he "Helps you with life"?

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AlternativeTentacle · 22/04/2017 15:52

He is unreasonable however you love him dearly so that's fine then isn't it?

PNGirl · 22/04/2017 15:52

*when you say he

228agreenend · 22/04/2017 15:53

If he moved,in with you, then he must have known you weren't't a naturally tidy person (like me). His attitude is awful.

You're pinning your hopes that once you move, everything will be tidy due to,The Cull. Don't pin your hopes,on this. I'm sorry to say that untidy people tend to remain untidy, whether you have a small amount of stuff, or lots.

I'm sorry to say I think,you are,incompatible when it comes to house sharing, and to say you can't go,out until,your room is tidy!

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