Fajita Friday 2.0 aka Celtic kitchen baby shower extravaganza the second

[GaelicSiog]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2907753-AIBU-with-my-friends

Original thread. Continuing here to throw @Phyllis a virtual baby shower, mumsnet style. Irish heritage and choice parenting optional, sparkly new kitchen plans essential. Fajitas and margaritas on entry. Vegan, of course.

wild, mikey, smeaton, fenella and the rest of the crew, where you at?

Phyllis what is it about a baby shower that makes it so important to you?

If it's about spending time with your friends before the baby arrives and "takes over" (because it often is completely all-encompassing and even overwhelming when the first child arrives) then may I suggest what I did? I arranged plenty of social things in my last weeks/months of pregnancy. Lunches, dinners, afternoon tea, coffee, cinema, theatre, drinks with big groups of friends (non-alcoholic for me) - I made the most of all the opportunities to spend time with people. Also arrange restaurant dinners for just you and your husband, it could be a while before you next manage a relaxed dinner out. I love spending time with people and presents are not a part of it. Several friends bought gifts once the baby arrived, but that was incidental to us meeting up anyway, we didn't contrive to create a social occasion just to "shower" the baby (or me) with gifts.

If the important aspect of the shower is the gifting and the attention on you and the baby then I'm afraid the issue is with you, and it's for you to come to terms with rather than trying to manipulate someone into organising it for you.

Do you want fulfilling relationships and friendships, or do you want "stuff" and attention?

I want to feel appreciated and wanted, for them to realise what a giving and supportive friend I've been the last fifteen odd years. I'm afraid that when I have the baby, that's it. I also want to have something to show the baby when they're older. I think the baby shower could be a good opening for a memories book.

Honestly, and I know that not many of you get it, but if I didn't get a baby shower and my sister in law found out, I would feel humiliated.

Presents aren't important to me, and I'm not entirely sure that everyone's tastes are going to match mine, but I just want to feel as if some thought has gone into something from my friends.

In context of what you've just said Phyllis - I think you have self esteem issues. These are assumptions and beliefs in your head and they're affecting the way you interact with people. There are some CBT techniques that would be really helpful to you if you care to look into them. I honestly think you need to learn how to find value within yourself instead of needing all this outside validation from other people in your life.

As for creating memory books and things to share with your child when they're older - that's something you can do, and it will mean all the more if you collect the memories and things as they happen rather than trying to engineer opportunities and force people into the situation where they'll comply or else feel awkward about it all.

I agree with a PP. you have reigned your SIL. Is she your brother's wife? I think maybe thinking about why she takes up so much of your headspace is important - your child is important themselves, not just someone's cousin or niece/nephew.

A baby shower isn't how your friends appreciate you. Honestly, the eye rolling is doing you a real kindness, it's tough love but it's still love.

Reified not reigned.

Ask SIL to do it 🦄

In honour of @PhyllisNight, we are having steak fajitas chez EvilWolef tonight.

And then MrEvilWolef and I will be watching AbFab the Movie, and eating popcorn and other snacks - there is space on the sofa for an extra guest or two, as long as we get the dog to budge up (No2 dog thinks the middle of the couch is Her Spot - between MrEvilWolef and I, so we can't Get Up To Anything).

My sister in law doesn't have time to plan and host a baby shower for me. She gave birth to a new born last month. She's struggling to cope with her 2 year old and the baby. My eldest nephew keeps saying that he wants the baby to stay home when they go out, so I think they have some work to do.

Did some of you genuinely have fajitas last night? And are some of you genuinely having them tonight? I love my impact!!

And again phylis your worry about the shower revolves around what if your sil found out that you didn't have one.

So what if she did. You can be all haughty (should you so desire) and explain how grabby they are. That you and your friends had multiple meet ups before the baby was born to enjoy each others company (and kitchens) and that is far more important to you than some silly chocolate smeared nappy games. That you value friendship over stuff and you know that a regular pregnancy is just that. Regular.

Phyllis my DD has a memories book in putting together. I didn't have a baby shower (as I think they are tacky). Her book is so far, pretty cool. What have I filled it with?

Me week by week pregnant (I didn't put them on FB like some, just took them for the book). Pics of me and DP decorating her nursery. Her scan pics. Her first pictures. First pics with family friends. Birth certificate. Both our hospital tags. Her hand print. Lists of the gifts she was given for being born, birthday, Christmas. Pictures she has drawn. Tickets to places we have visited.
There is literally hundreds of ideas without having to start it off with pictures of a baby shower.

I started this thread taking the piss but now I actually feel quite sad for you. You seem to be living in your SIL shadow and are trying to emulate her who existence. You don't seem to think that you are good enough as you and therefore feel as though you have to prove your self worth by being the first for everything as this proves that you must be great.
I promise you, if you just stopped emulating your SIL then your friends will start appreciating you more. I can only assume that your friends have known you since before SIL came on th scene? This would be the woman they loved. They are probably eye rolling and what not because you have morphed into this woman that you seem to have roses tinted glasses on for.

Yes, your child will be special TO YOU and your family. BUT, not everyone will feel that way. I adore my dd but I don't think everyone else must feel the same way.

I can guarantee that some part of your SIL life is not perfect. You can't believe everything you see as everyone puts on a bit of a front (that couple who appear happy but have just argued, the couple who can't conceive but are pretending they don't care, the one who seems to have a perfect job but hates it really)

If you want a last hurrah before baby comes then organise it yourself. If your not wanting it for presents then tell people that you do not want them to bring presents and all you want is to spend time before the baby comes.

Peppapig I didn't put enough work in either then - but I did get twins in a single pregnancy so I kind of win!

Yessss Phyllis I'm glad your sense of humour is alive and well. I feel like we all need to convince you of your own ability to create your own memories and do your own things without anyone else's approval or interest. You definitely need to understand that your friends' lack of fascination in your pregnancy does not equate to not caring about you. Get your head around the fact that none of this is a competition, having babies, or life in general. I am struggling to recall out of my fab friends who did what when.... genuinely can't bring it to mind. Do not think about any of that, it's majorly uncool to think of yourself as somehow advanced in comparison to your friends. You mentioned it so many times and in so many variations, there's no way thudont notice that you feel yourself superior. Sod your SIL, sorry I'm sure she's great. But you can't live your life being embarrassed if people that you do not control don't throw you a baby shower. Get out there, do your own thing, don't follow her way of parenting, do what feels right to you. Shake off all of this stress about who cares, who doesn't care, who thinks whatever. Make your own scrap book for the baby. I never had a baby shower. I TOLD my friends straight up what I wanted when I gave birth. No multiples of the same babygro - but FOOD!!! All I ever asked of them was food, bring me good food when you visit. That's it. Most at some stage have bought my children sweet things that I kept, but I never ever demanded anything. Am absolutely having fajitas tonight. Normally do it all with tonnes of boring effort, but whacked an Old El Paso pack in the basket after reading your thread cos just can't be arsed. Sometimes in this thing called life, we all need old El Paso. You can quote me on that!

I lurked the other thread and found my way onto this one, and having read your updates I feel compelled to reply.

First off, Phyllis, you're a really good sport to take such a slaughtering of mockery (MN style) and keep coming back. That takes serious guts, so hats off to you!

Also, without sounding too patronizing, I get the feeling that you're just the type of person who really, really likes attention and feel your success and achievements should always be acknowledged. Possibly, your siblings (and siblings-in-law) are like that too?

All the fuss about the baby shower and how you will do x,y,z when your baby is here is going to cause you a lot of upset. Trust me on this. I've known many Type A women who have gone through hell after having babies because life, especially babies, do not go as planned.

I can include myself in this- I planned for DD, read everything, took the prenatal classes...a horrific birth experience, family crises and postnal depression clouded any plans I had.

I'm Canadian, and baby showers are the norm here. I had one. My advice? The support and love shown to you after the baby's born far outweighs the cutesy games and baby outfits people ooh and ahh over and then never actually see them in.

So, if a celebration of parenthood is what you're after, have an Open House "Welcome Baby" type party once the baby's born and you're feeling up to it. It'll give you a chance to have some perspective of what's really important, who you want there, and of course, have people welcome your baby.

I wish you lots of luck 🍀

(Also, for cred: Husband is Irish, and I'm getting my kitchen redone this summer )

And I love fajitas any day of the week.

Hi think Phyllis should blog!

DD/mini Gaelic/Unpronouncable Irish name/whatever her MN name is now and I did have vegan fajitas, phyllis. we would have had vegan anyway, the fajitas I'll admit though were your impact.

Ok. I think I've got SIL's measure now. She's one of those artificial people who needs people doing stuff around her to prove she's popular. Real friends don't need to organise showy stuff like baby showers around you to prove their worth to you, that's probably why it hasn't occurred to them to host a baby shower. DD's godmother didn't throw me a party, but she did deliver DD waiting for an ambulance and 7 years later she's still around and I still know if I call her in a crisis, she'll be there. And today she came with me to pick up DD early from her dad's to provide moral support. That takes real balls, believe me. That's true friendship right there. Not saying SIL's friends aren't good people, but I know which kind of friends I'd choose.

I'm never posting in that feminism sub-forum ever again - horrible place.

Thank you for all the support - I really appreciate it!

I really like the idea of a memory book (as I had planned) and a tree sounds like a lovely idea too! I think I will still push for a baby shower, but I would like to try and organise more social events with my friends and husband leading up to the birth. I would really like to go to the cinema, maybe the theatre, and just enjoy the free time I have while I have it.

My sister in law is very high up in her career. My family love her and she's such a good wife, a great mother. I feel very close to her, but I guess she has rubbed off on me over time. I remember when I was 19 and went on holiday in the summer with some Uni friends to Cornwall and she took the piss out of it, saying it wasn't very exotic. She knows quite a few celebrities, and I have met a few through her, so I guess she's always just lived a lifestyle that has always seemed superior to mine.

Phyllis, the more I hear about SIL, the more I want to slap her for you. I'm not saying she's not a nice person, but I am getting the impression that she makes you feel very inadequate and like you must constantly aspire to her lofty heights, and that makes me very sad because you don't need to be like her, you need to be like you. Cornwall sounds lovely. Her loss that she can't see that.

Why don't you organise your own shower as part of those plans? Does she even need to know you organised it yourself?

Can't believe this thread is in its second incarnation! Fabulous.

I work with celebs for my day job. Great big Hollywood A list ones. You know what? They are just people. Some are nice, some aren't. But it doesn't make me, or anyone else in that sphere superior - why would it?

Discovering the Higgs-Bosun, or being able to recite the world's countries in alphabetical order or even just knowing off the top of your head where my DH might have put his sodding house keys this time are all skills worthy of admiration. Knowing someone who has been on the telly is not.

And that is something you need to drum into your head - your SIL sounds, to be honest, like a bit of a dick. Teach your DC to admire the right qualities and the right people, not to blindly worship for the wrong reasons.