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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH as self-proclaimed "Head of the House". Any tips please?

331 replies

Anastasia5 · 21/04/2017 10:20

I've been reading MN recently and would appreciate any thoughts about this situation. We just replaced a round dining table for a rectangular one. Last night when I was serving dinner, I'm not sure how it came into conversation, but DH announced to the DC that the reason he was sitting at the head of the table was because he was head of the family Hmm. The thing is, I'm not sure if he was actually joking or not. He went in to tell DS (12) that he can sit at the head of the table when he is responsible for his own family. DS' response to this was, "Well I'll probably be eating out most of the time anyway". Grin Then our elder DD (10) said to him, "No mummy is the head of the house because she's here more than you. You're just the head in the office."

DH then replied he is the one who keeps a roof over everyone's head or something to that effect. AIBU to find this attitude irritating? I'm a bit irritated anyway by him recently because I feel like he won't do anything unless I specifically ask. We have 3 DC and yes he works very hard, but I do pretty much everything else.

DH is British but from a fairly traditional Greek background for context. When I spoke to him later, he said he hadn't meant anything by it and of course he values me and "thankyou for everything"etc. AIBU to still feel irritated and WWYD if so?

OP posts:
Wedrine4me · 22/04/2017 09:53

It seems to have evolved like that due to his job. Now things have eased up you need to set about changing things a bit. He sounds a fundamentally decent guy so you just need to retrain him.

Tell him that you are going out on x evening and you need him to be home at x time to do the bedtime routine etc. For the first couple of times go out even earlier than you need to so he can't rely on you squeezing things in. Then you need to leave him a list of everything he needs to do until he gets into the swing of things.

He just needs retraining and laughing at when he comes out with the gems.

Bluebell28 · 22/04/2017 10:00

It can be hard to get out in the evening when kiddies are very small, but I did go to choir at the weekend, it was a lovely break .it could be a gym or book club or anything but it was just a bit of me time

AnyFucker · 22/04/2017 10:06

It"s only "hard to get out in the evening" if your so called partner is anything but

Cafecat · 22/04/2017 10:15

I agree with Wedrine. A lot of the OP's situation is as much about practical circumstances as much as anything else. For instance, it's much easier to go out from the office if there's a last minute thing on, but more difficult to organise kids at short notice.
My DH is from a similar culture and I can recognise a few of these traits in him. I just tend to let him get on with it and do what I was going to do anyway Grin
The OP has said that the love is still there. Also that he's kind and completely honest. We can't say he's a poor excuse for a father without having seen him interact with his DC. I agree,it's about "retraining" and also the OP re-learning to put herself first a bit more.

PickAChew · 22/04/2017 10:20

Rectangular table - seats at the side only from now on.

Bluebell28 · 22/04/2017 10:29

AnyFucker I probably should've gone out more in the evenings when mine were little..it was the sad little baby face pressed to the window as I was reversing the car that got me everytime

GraciesMansion · 22/04/2017 10:50

The important thing seems to be not what your roles are within your family, you both seem happy with what you both contribute, but what value is placed on those roles. I work pt, earn about half what dh does because me being at home doing the 'wife work' is what I wanted to do. However, both dh and I have always been very clear to convey to the dc that my role in the family is every bit as important as his ft work and that it isn't about what we earn. Dh has also at times been very explicit and said directly to them that he can only do what he does because I do what I do.

That said, I would have gone down his throat if he'd had that conversation at our table!

Asmoto · 22/04/2017 11:00

I'm head of my household, and my husband seems perfectly happy with this - he's not very decisive, so one of us needed to take charge. I'd be happy to relinquish or share the position if he wanted to, though.

User2468 · 22/04/2017 11:14

I'd say DH was head of our household, he may be the head of state but I'm most certainly the Prime Minister.

He'd never find his car keys to go to work without me Grin

AnyFucker · 22/04/2017 11:48

Well, Bluebell....your partner should have distracted the "sad little baby face" with some fun activities

Original poster
Anastasia5 · 22/04/2017 12:31

Thankyou for all the comments. This is my first time posting on MN and it's given me a lot to think about.
He really doesn't "lord it" over me about money, so I've never felt undermined in that way. I couldn't be one of these women who gets an allowance or needs to ask for money, but thankfully that would never occur to him either.
He is clashing a bit with DS1 at the moment and this thread has got me thinking about that too. If DS is cheeky to him, DH will saysomething like, "I don't work hard to pay for your school and all the things you want so I can come home to that attitude." I have spoken to DH that it's not really fair to use how hard you work or the school fees in challenging DS because it's not as if he had any choice in this. DH says he needs to learn the value of money and he's not having him growing up as entitled. I think maybe he thinks I spoil the kids, or maybe he feels a bit "outside" of the way we function when he's not here.
Anyway, a lot to think about. Thanks again!

OP posts:
Cafecat · 22/04/2017 13:22

It's tricky when your DS and DH start to clash, but inevitable in a way, particularly when one or both are of the "alpha" persuasion! Sounds as if both are trying to assert themselves in the house so fun times could be ahead. I have had the same situation with my DH and DS and it's hard to know how to intervene sometimes. Sorry to not have any concrete advice Confused

llangennith · 22/04/2017 13:37

If he's been brought up in the traditional Greek family this is how he thinks it should be.
He'll be encouraging DD to help you with all the stereotypical wife's chores while letting your sons be waited on.
Nip it in the bud now!

PoorYorick · 22/04/2017 17:29

Even if he's just joking (he's not) and doesn't mean it (he does), he should pack it in for the simple reason that you and your kids don't like it and find it distressing.

Goldensoul · 22/04/2017 17:57

My DH is Middle Eastern and I found a lot of his attitudes didn't become apparent until children came along. Its easy to say the OP should be doing this or that, but these things are often unconscious. My DH would sit at the table expecting to be served dinner too. When you go to his family gatherings you see this is the norm. So there are more steps involved in getting these kind of men involved and you have to pick your battles or you'd go mental.

ivykaty44 · 22/04/2017 19:06

Where do mums meters find these males from?

ivykaty44 · 22/04/2017 19:11

I'm thankful I grew up in a household where my dad took the piss out of a MC P uncle and he used to rises to the bait every fucking time.....

topcat2014 · 22/04/2017 19:17

When I say this (as a joke) - DD is v quick to reply "no, Mum is head of house"

Oh, and I can't carve roasts for shit - so DW does that.

Am quite good at cooking roasts though if I say so myself

Tartyflette · 23/04/2017 14:43

Baby boomer here -- I have always worked, through pregnancy and when DC were small, sometimes DH earned more than me, sometimes I earned more than him.
When I fill in online surveys or questionnaires and they have a 'head of the household' type question (i.e. what is the income band/professional level of the head of the household) I always put my professional level as A/it sounds better than his Grin and B/just because /out of principle /bloodymindedness /whatever.
In reality we have no head of household and never have. we don't think in those terms or see life like that. It's ridiculous, irrelevant and anachronistic.

Crowdblundering · 23/04/2017 14:45

Moussemoose

Grin
exaltedwombat · 23/04/2017 17:28

Would you like him to be the ultimate authority when the kids need discipline?

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 23/04/2017 17:30

Call him 'Lord and Master' and ask him as head of the house to decide everything. That includes meal plans, shopping, whether or not to scratch your bum - EVERYTHING. Then see how soon he tires of it. Grin

Oh, and get your DD a gold medal for her fabulous reply!

Panetulipani · 23/04/2017 17:32

Sit down to watch 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' as a family? There is a quote in there to the effect "The man may be the head of the household, but the woman is the neck and she can turn him any way she wants".

WomanStanley · 23/04/2017 17:32

I don't think his Greekness has anything to do with it. If a person in your home is under the impression they're the head of the house when you do the majority of the work, then the problem also lies with you.

I work full time. And didn't when the kids were smaller. And neither then nor now did I do all the domestic and child rearing chores. It's 50/50 now and was 80/ 30 then. And when it was 80/ 30 I still think going to work was the easier deal.
I'd laugh my head off if he said he was head of the house. For ages. But he wouldn't because he isn't and there's no doubt.
Whatever works for people is fine. Absolutely fine. I've got mates who do all the housework and they want to do it and mates who do it and don't want to. And mates who don't do it. And it's all fine.
But I'd lick dog urine off the pavement before I allowed my husband to devalue me in front on my kids. For me, for him and for them.

WomanStanley · 23/04/2017 17:33

80/20 even. He's head of the house at maths.