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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH as self-proclaimed "Head of the House". Any tips please?

331 replies

Anastasia5 · 21/04/2017 10:20

I've been reading MN recently and would appreciate any thoughts about this situation. We just replaced a round dining table for a rectangular one. Last night when I was serving dinner, I'm not sure how it came into conversation, but DH announced to the DC that the reason he was sitting at the head of the table was because he was head of the family Hmm. The thing is, I'm not sure if he was actually joking or not. He went in to tell DS (12) that he can sit at the head of the table when he is responsible for his own family. DS' response to this was, "Well I'll probably be eating out most of the time anyway". Grin Then our elder DD (10) said to him, "No mummy is the head of the house because she's here more than you. You're just the head in the office."

DH then replied he is the one who keeps a roof over everyone's head or something to that effect. AIBU to find this attitude irritating? I'm a bit irritated anyway by him recently because I feel like he won't do anything unless I specifically ask. We have 3 DC and yes he works very hard, but I do pretty much everything else.

DH is British but from a fairly traditional Greek background for context. When I spoke to him later, he said he hadn't meant anything by it and of course he values me and "thankyou for everything"etc. AIBU to still feel irritated and WWYD if so?

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 21/04/2017 17:03

By "head of the household" he could mean that he feels he's responsible for everyone.

Except that he explicitly said it was to do with his being the earner. He's a prick, don't make excuses for him.

Butterymuffin · 21/04/2017 17:06

very family orientated
It's not as if you have much choice, is it? Given that he isn't. It's a woman's thing, you see. Hmm

AnyFucker · 21/04/2017 17:26

Very family orientated makes you sound like his mum

Where is the lust love?

handslikecowstits · 21/04/2017 17:32

I tend to believe that fathers are even more important in shaping daughters than they are sons as women often take how their fathers behave a the norm in men and choose accordingly Absolutely bang on.

very family orientated means dogsbody to me because you're a woman and that's what they're supposed to be. Heaven forbid you were one of those feminist harpies eh? Hmm I'm worried for your daughter in particular. It doesn't bode well for her future if she's learning to be subservient to men. She'll repeat this in her own relationships.

Turquesa · 21/04/2017 17:38

Yorick - but responsibility, to him, might equate to being the earner because that's the role he feels he should take. It's not necessarily a put down to the OP. Some men put a certain pressure on themselves because they feel as if they have to.

In any case, it's far better than being with some useless dosser who contributes the bare minimum in the way of housework or finances. Or a man who is financially controlling because that definitely reveals an unpleasant superiority complex. Or a man who buggers off and tries to get out if paying maintenance for his own kids.

In some cultures men are brought up that financially providing is ultimately down to them and this is how they define themselves. Its not at all uncommon and it sounds like this DH could be of this mindset? It doesn't have to mean he doesn't respect his wife iyswim.

Batteriesallgone · 21/04/2017 17:40

So he's not family orientated? Or does family orientated mean different things for men and women?

If family is so important to you does it not break your heart that he doesn't pull his weight with the family?

I wonder if he's ever seriously contemplated what his life would be like without you. Would he be devastated at the loss of a soulmate or inconvenienced at the loss of a good employee?

AnyFucker · 21/04/2017 17:40

He respects her as a homemaker

That's it

PoorYorick · 21/04/2017 17:43

If you're the family oriented one, you should be head of the house. As your daughter rightly points out, that's your domain. Or head of the family.

Orangetoffee · 21/04/2017 17:48

You can feel responsible and see your partner as an equal. By calling yourself head of whatever , you are putting yourself above everyone else. He doesn't respect his wife as an equal partner.

AuditAngel · 21/04/2017 17:51

6yo DD2 would probably tell him "Mummy is the boss, she just lets you think you are to make you happy"

Original poster
Anastasia5 · 21/04/2017 18:11

Maybe I should have insisted on him doing more when the kids were babies, but it was difficult because he was building up his business at that time and needed to give it 100%. He never had clear-cut "working hours" so I never relied on him being home and/or available at a certain time.

He does see the money as "ours" to be fair to him. He never used it against me. There are things he doesn't do which means that I am doing them (because someone has to), but he's not outwardly controlling or critical and he doesn't say unkind things or lose his temper.

He is involved with the kids but he definitely evades the grunt work, I would say. I'm not even sure if he's aware of a lot of things that need doing because how would you if you never did it.

A lot of what Turq says is true. He thinks he looks after me and I look after him. On top of that, much of our situation is down to his working hours and commitments and I can never really tell how much control he has over this. Sometimes I've felt he could set his own work/ family boundaries better, but then I don't have the whole picture or fully understand the stress he might be under.

I do love him and he does tell me he loves me a lot. He's affectionate and the intimacy is definitely still there so no issues in those areas.

I am concerned, more so after comments here, about the kids picking up on what we're modelling and I need to talk to him about that.

OP posts:
Orangetoffee · 21/04/2017 18:20

What would happen if you fell ill? Would he step up and take over the child care, cooking etc or would it be chaos as he wouldn't have a clue what to do.

Original poster
Anastasia5 · 21/04/2017 18:47

It's hard to say, Orange. He would have to get on with it, I suppose, though MIL may well be transported down if it went on for too long, or he couldn't get time off. It depends how serious it was.

OP posts:
Batteriesallgone · 21/04/2017 18:48

DH works crazy hours and is torn between multiple businesses / work commitments.

When he's here he changes nearly all the nappies because 100% of the ones he's around for still only equals less than half the total and he knows that. He acknowledges that looking after kids on your own is exhausting, so after a trip away we have an honest chat about who is more strung out - if he's had more than two nights of 8 hours sleep he tends to take over bedtime for a few nights (if he can, if he's here) and send me to bed early to catch up. Often after him being away ill get a lazy day at the weekend where he takes the kids and I don't get up til 12.

It works both ways too - if he's had a hellish trip working all hours I'll step up for him and keep on doing 90% of the childcare, nights with both the kids for a bit so he can recover.

If he thought it was ok to leave the grunt work of the kids to me all the time I'd leave. Got no time for that. Not just me either - my kids deserve better than that kind of environment.

SoulAccount · 21/04/2017 18:57

He made a thing of it when sitting at one end of the table. Next family meal, just sit there.
Then take turns, and take all the status out of it by anyone sitting anywhere. Put the kids at the end, in turn. Starting with your Dd.

Tell him no one is more important or 'the head ' and no one place at the table is more important than any other.

This in itself might make him think about the rest.

Orangetoffee · 21/04/2017 19:04

It's worth thinking about. There have been a few threads on here from posters with similar husbands and it does seem a worry that they might not step up in situations like that. These posters can't even go away for a weekend without okaying it with their husbands months in advance and then making sure everything is in place for that weekend.

You should point out how just little he is involved in daily life, your children have noticed and so should he.

Topseyt · 21/04/2017 19:26

This household has two heads. Myself and DH.

If DH ever proclaimed himself as singular head of the household/family or whatever then he would find his arse handed to him on a plate for his dinner.

DH is our main breadwinner as it happens, but if he lauded it over me I would really lay it on the line, pointing out that I gave up a pretty good salary all those years ago to provide free childcare, and that is the largest part of my financial contribution. I would also forcefully remind him that the part time salary I now have goes 100% into the household pot and benefits us all. He seems to know better than to comment.

If your DH ever makes such a proclamation again then pull him up on it straight away - "No, we are JOINT heads of this family and have equal status in it" should get the message across.

Parker231 · 21/04/2017 19:46

Get yourself out in the evenings - to the gym, for a run, drinks with friends - start leaving him to sort out home life. It's ridiculous to be living the way you are in 2017. I really pity your DD's - what are they learning about equality?

SabineUndine · 21/04/2017 19:50

I'd go on strike until he's worked out who's really in charge.

Original poster
Anastasia5 · 21/04/2017 20:12

I have been making a point of trying to get out more in the evenings because I have some lovely friends around here and it's so much fun and relaxing to get out. I can run in the day and I'm lucky in that respect, but It's nice to get out in the evenings for a change of scene. It can be difficult though because I have to try and get everything done beforehand and it's a rush. Then he'll be texting because he wants to know that I've met up with people and did I get in the taxi ok and this kind of thing. He will wait up which is uneccessary really. I never bother him if he's out and I've told him to stop doing it to me. We don't drink much at all and he knows this. Usually it's just dinner. Also it annoys me that he'll just say yes to something on the day, but I seem to need to fit around his evening stuff most of the time.and plan ahead. Or it's me that has the hassle of trying get a babysitter.
We do go out together about once a fortnight though.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/04/2017 21:44

What is it you have to get done before you go out ?

All the parenting? Homework, clearing up, lunches packed, kids bathed and in bed?

Why doesn't he do that? It's not babysitting. It's parenting

Honestly. You two are both as much of a cliche as each other. I bet if you visit family for a couple of days you leave meals in the freezer don't you and spend days after catching up on housework and laundry

You sound like your own worst enemy

Orangetoffee · 21/04/2017 21:52

You need to step back. Go for a run in the evening, on your evening out just get yourself ready, turn your phone to silent and leave. You are an adult, he is too and the children are old enough to tell their dad they are hungry.

Parker231 · 22/04/2017 09:21

What a rubbish DH you have and poor excuse for a father your DC's have. Although doesn't sound like you're doing much to improve things.

Cafecat · 22/04/2017 09:35

Parker, I think sweeping comments like that are never particularly helpful in this context. The OP is clearly with this man for a reason. I presume your DH is perfect in every possible way?

Mamia15 · 22/04/2017 09:43

Then he'll be texting because he wants to know that I've met up with people and did I get in the taxi ok and this kind of thing. He will wait up which is uneccessary really. I never bother him if he's out and I've told him to stop doing it to me. We don't drink much at all and he knows this

Sounds rather controlling to me....