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Original poster

Should my DH high salary exclude him from doing jobs at home

671 replies

Shout · 11/03/2007 12:43

I am at stay at home home Mum with 2 DS my husband has quite an important job and his salary reflects it. Everytime he has to work weekends or evenings he says that is what I am being paid for.

My biggest grip is that he is getting lazier around the house, meal plates left at the table coke cans around the house, cuff links ties left out and gets more out,gets changed from work, suit and dirty washing left on bed for me to clear wet towels ,floor. The kids get 10 mins of play fighting then he watches his programs/or is on the computer.If he doesn't want to do anything he just ignores it or says its not a problem eg tyres are not flat, toilet isn't blocked!

When ever I get cross that he doesn't do his fair share he says in a jokey mannner but I get paid so much.
I asked him several times to make an appointment to discuss situation he kept avoiding it, I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt, it took him 3 days to get round to reading it and never responded.

I am back to comfort eating putting on weight and feeling crap about myself, hence all physical contact is virtually non exsistent.

Any advise out there?

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 13/03/2007 19:54

steinermum - she explodes right here on MN to keep herself sane.

As for me, shan't be around for much longer to read it all, had a mc a few days ago and have been housebound but getting much better and will leave computer to rest.

3andnomore · 13/03/2007 19:58

(((((((((Anna8888))))))))))) very sorry to hear that!

Anna8888 · 13/03/2007 20:07

3andnomore - thank you, I expect I'll get pg again quite quickly.

drosophila · 13/03/2007 20:10

I had a similar problem after having DS I went back to work full time and eared more than DP but did virtually everything and I am not a domestic goddess (although I do like to cook). DP worked weekends and as a consequence had two days off during the week about 50% of the time and he put DS into nursery and did fuck all.

We had a few ups and downs and when I had DD I insisted I worked PT three days a week and continue to do virtually everything. It is simply a case that if I don't the kids don't eat. I don't cook for DP or do his washing or ironing but everything for the kids and myself. He will never change and it really pisses me right off but despite Xenia suggestion of going back to work changes things I think I may be the exception. I found DC's comments very interesting and an insight into the mind of these types of men.

I suspect the answer is within ourselves but we are so drained and tired and fucked off we can't see it or do it.

I keep giving myself stern talking to but I don't listen.

Judy1234 · 13/03/2007 20:41

Poor Anna, that's awful. I'm sorry.

I don't hate men by the way. Most couples in the UK can't afford for one of them to stay at home so this is a very rich person's academic debate but even if they can it's better for women's self esteem and equality in relationships if you both have work and interests outside of the house.

I can't fathom women who work and do everything. How can people tolerate that even for one day? If you say the children won't eat if you went out and your husband had the children and they were asking for food surely he could open a can of beans? Why live with these men? Surely you'd be better off single like me than working and doing everything at home.

yellowrose · 13/03/2007 20:45

Xenia you say "those 5 years scrubbing bottoms and floors"

I WANT my son to know that it was mummy who wiped his beautiful little bottom and was with him day and night when he needed me most, the first few most formative years of his life, not a paid stranger. I didn't have him so that I could hand him over to a paid servant.

I really really do not think that the women in my ex-law firm who returned to work when their babies were THREE DAYS OLD were setting their children, daughters or sons, a great example in anything.

Do you seriously think that a child of 2, 3 or 4 is going to pat mummy on the back every weekend (because let's face it they will only see them at weekends if they are lucky) and say "mummy I am so proud of you for showing those Big Swinging Dicks what a tough woman you are and I love it when you are not home 12 hours day earning me enough money for a big house and yet more cleaners and nannys so that you never ever get to see me" ??

I just think this is total nonsense.

yellowrose · 13/03/2007 20:49

anna - sorry about the bad news. Hope you feel better soon

Eleusis · 13/03/2007 21:03

yellowrose:

1- You are liable ti tick off an awful lot of people with "paid stranger" comments.

2- Your son isn't going to give a rats ass who wiped his bum when he is older. He isn't going to remember.

3- My DD says all the time "Mummy, when I'm a grown up I want to be an engineer too and come to your work with you" (I've had to promise not to retire so we can go together).

I can appreciate that Xenia has a tendancy to incite riots around here. But some of your comments are also well.... over the line shall we say. (I haven't read the thread and suspect you are not alone. But "paid stranger" gets a rise out of me every time)

yellowrose · 13/03/2007 21:17

Yes, many children end up doing their parents profession. Why do you assume that a child whose mother was home just for the first 4 - 5 years will take up a menial job ?

I am a lawyer and dh is an engineer. We both speak several languages fluently. So I doubt ds will do anything other than become reasonably well-read and well-educated, despite the fact that both of us have had the pleasure of wiping his bottom !

yellowrose · 13/03/2007 21:19

PAID = someone who is paid for their services

STRANGER = someone who is not related to me

How is either of these offensive ?

Eleusis · 13/03/2007 21:22

Are you from Texas?

Judy1234 · 13/03/2007 21:24

I think most childcare is good and the "strangers" aren't strangers. The children aren't damaged by a parent at home as long as that parent is happy at home and are not damaged by a parent who works as long as there is consistent loving childcare in the hours the parents work.

A lot of the work at home is tedious and dull. Obviously some particularly rich mumsnetters (or rather with rich men who keep them) can avoid the cleaning part of the job and indeed some have au pairs and nannies and don't work either. I don't think that's a very satisfying life whether you have the help with the dross jobs or not. I don't think my children mind that I worked full time any more than most children do and there are obvioulsy advantages to them financially and in terms of the role model of working adult I present to them etc.

yellowrose · 13/03/2007 21:24

Texas ? Do I sound like a Texan ?

yellowrose · 13/03/2007 21:28

We can afford cleaners, gardeners and nannys. We just choose not to have them.

How strange are we ?

Eleusis · 13/03/2007 21:28

Yellow Rose of Texas. Just wondering.

Judy1234 · 13/03/2007 21:31

I was just reading that we now in the UK employ more servants than at the height of the Victorian age. People have always off loaded the dross jobs.

Eleusis · 13/03/2007 21:32

Your definition: STRANGER = someone who is not related to me

The real definition: ? noun 1 a person whom one does not know.

Those are very different things. To suggest that working parent leave their children with people whom they do not know is positively insulting. It suggests we don't care. And I take great offense to the (false) accusation.

yellowrose · 13/03/2007 21:33

children "are not damaged by a parent who works as long as there is consistent loving childcare in the hours the parents work"

AS LONG AS = IF

That is a big IF for me. I appreciate that some people are lucky and can get that sort of care for their kids. I doubt everyone can.

WideWebWitch · 13/03/2007 21:34

Skimming over this in shallow way I see we're talking six figure, hmm, that could be only £100k then?

Still not enough to buy my soul

ssd · 13/03/2007 21:36

Xenia!!!!

"servants"???? what do you mean by that?

and "dross jobs"?????? surely you don't mean nannying?

Caligula · 13/03/2007 21:42

Eleusis I think you're being over-sensitive.

Yellowrose isn't suggesting that most parents leave their kids with people they don't know.

Just people they probably won't know in the future. And probably their kids won't either. (Although it's nice when they do - I know someone whose childminder lived next door, and she still goes and sees her occasionally - she's now 30.)

suejonez · 13/03/2007 21:43

does that mean my cleaner is a servant? Oh goody, must tell her tomorrow to wear white apron and little hat - she'll be thrilled.

suejonez · 13/03/2007 21:44

does school count as being looked after by strangers?

Caligula · 13/03/2007 21:46

God yes in my opinion. I'll be glad to see the back of 2 particular Learning Assistants at my DD's school. The sooner they subside back into being strangers, the better.

Eleusis · 13/03/2007 21:53

I think yellowrose introduced the "servant" label.