Should my DH high salary exclude him from doing jobs at home

[Shout]

I am at stay at home home Mum with 2 DS my husband has quite an important job and his salary reflects it. Everytime he has to work weekends or evenings he says that is what I am being paid for.

My biggest grip is that he is getting lazier around the house, meal plates left at the table coke cans around the house, cuff links ties left out and gets more out,gets changed from work, suit and dirty washing left on bed for me to clear wet towels ,floor. The kids get 10 mins of play fighting then he watches his programs/or is on the computer.If he doesn't want to do anything he just ignores it or says its not a problem eg tyres are not flat, toilet isn't blocked!

When ever I get cross that he doesn't do his fair share he says in a jokey mannner but I get paid so much.
I asked him several times to make an appointment to discuss situation he kept avoiding it, I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt, it took him 3 days to get round to reading it and never responded.

I am back to comfort eating putting on weight and feeling crap about myself, hence all physical contact is virtually non exsistent.

Any advise out there?

No, Xenia, not ALL women criticise and nag their husbands ALL the time. That is yet another generlisation.

If a man is reasonably intelligent/educated and understands that women are not 2nd class citizens and he loves his wife and kids, there is no need for criticism from either party.

There needs to be a certain amount of division of labour where one parent is at home. But it really does not need to be in a critical, judgemental, subordinate sort of way.

I think we all got the impression that Shout's husband isn't respectful which is what really pisses me off about men like that.

unquite - mine is 000.001 pence

Dh is naturally lazy and scruffy around the house. When he lived alone his place was filthy and he didn't notice. I just offer him a choice of jobs, eg would you rather hoover or do the bathrooms on Saturday morning? He always chooses the easier job but that's fine as it means I've only got to do one of the two. I do most stuff as I am at home all day but insist he does a few things.

"Do husbands today whose wives don't work get a worse deal... etc."

But their wives do work. In the home.

But I agree that if you've got a deal that says one party is going to do the bulk of the home-work, then it ought to be done properly, otherwise you're not pulling your weight. Doing housework is not the same as caring for a child though, and it's amazing how many people perceive them as the same job.

I don't think modern day husbands with SAHWs get a worse deal today than in the past. Modern couples are generally much closer in age and educational experience than in the past - women may not have the same pay and career prospects as men, but they sure have the brains and education - and the average level of conversation at home certainly ought to be a lot higher today.

Message withdrawn

And another thing - my mother used to get upset with my father for getting home late. She had no understanding of his world (she had only worked in psychiatric hospitals with completely regular hours). I think many more modern women have worked in business with demanding clients, difficult hours and are much more understanding of the contraints their husbands are under. And more appreciative.

I'm not sure they always want women for their conversation though..... I suppose what you may be saying is that housewives today are over qualified for the job and almost won't demean themselves to do it so you do get some families where the women at home just aren't working hard enough at the scrubbing and tidying whereas their mothers might have been better at home making. Perhaps those who think a woman's place is in the home should really be training their daughters in housewife skills a bit better so their men don't lose out when they marry them.

BOTH girls and boys need to be taught household skills, esp. cooking. I want ds to be able to cook like dh and I and not end up with a fat belly and high cholestrol aged 25.

It is a BASIC life skill to be able to cook, iron, do laundry, clean toilets, etc. Thankfully none of these tasks need huge brains, just a bit of common sense. I also think that girls should be taught mechanical skills by their dads, brothers or at school. I am 39 yo and still have to ask dh to repair basic stuff in the car for me, I hate that.

It is bizarre to divide anything into male/female roles. These roles are created by our parents and grandparents through socialisation right from the day we are born. They can also be altered and changed through socialisation of children in the home. It's no big deal really, is it ?

yes, but if all these little girls are going to be housewives like a lot of mumsnetters spending 10 hour working days on children and domestic activities, their principal role childcare, cleaning and home making and their brothers unlikely to be in that position that just shows really was little point in education for girls at all and letting them concentrate on home economics type subjects is perhaps best unless we could ever really move to a position of equality in this country...... I live in hope.

No, Xenia I totally disgaree with that. Like I said on another thread, girls in today's modern society do not ALL choose to become SAHM mums just beacuse their mothers and grandmothers were.

My life and what I chose to do was radically different to my mum's because in mum's generation there wasn't as much choice and she hadn't been able to get higher degrees due to many different factors. She had also married far too early which limited her choices.

Girls today do not have to follow a SAHM role model if they don't want to.

Most SAHM are only doing what they do temporarily. My son is never going to remember how many hours I spent cleaning the floor before he went to school. He will remember that I am a professional with several higher degress and that is what he will see when he is old enough to go to university. The same is true of most mums who are home now. Most had and will have a career as well as being a wife and mother.

When my DS was 3 or 4 years old I told him, while picking up his clothes: "I'm upset. I'm not your slave". He burst into tears with "Please mummy, please be my slave". I had to explain that "slave" didn't mean "friend"

Oh but they lose their chance and give it up for those 5 years scrubbing bottoms and floors though, yr, and they rarely get back to the same level as their husbands so they are fools to do it. Many never really do get back to proper careers in full time jobs with promotion prospects. They get back to part time fitting in jobs whilst they enjoy the teenage years and then they're into their 50s and wanting to wind down anyway so really they're off track forever and basically there to service children, husband and home, an appalling servile old fashioned dynamic that I hope we can get rid of in my lifetime.

Xenia - I hate to disappoint you, but in some fields, and particularly in education, age is quite an advantage. One of my former colleagues and friends is in the process of taking over a training company right now, and the biggest issue is whether clients will be ready to accept her as the head honcho (she is 41). Oh - and she just took a couple of years sabbatical on a Greek island and had no trouble at all getting back in to work, refreshed and full of new ideas. She has contracts at all the big French business schools, and at one of the consulting firms.

Xenia - I do think that men value women for conversation - you must have had a most peculiar experience of relationships if that wasn't the case (or if all you found to talk about were your jobs and children). And educated SAHMs produce educated children - the greatest predictor of children's success in life is the level of education of their primary carer, which is why paid uneducated childcare is such a cop out.

Xenia, haven't read every post you've put on here, but you do seem to be a bit of a one for generalisations.

For example, all those women who "never really do get back to proper careers in full time jobs with promotion prospects". Maybe not all women want to climb the greasy rungs of the corporate ladder, working long hours for fat pay packets. Even before I had a kid, I had opted out of a big company lifestyle and had taken a job that offered me more less stress, more free time, and (what I think) is a better quality of life. Of course, this affects my earning potential, but I still have the means to live comfortably.

It's horses for courses, but you imply that women are missing out by not persuing the sorts of careers that entail long-hours and (possibly) material gain. At the end of the day, many women, and men, may find the hands-on business of bringing up their children deeply satisfying.

Surely the issue here is about acknowledging the huge contribution that stay at home parents make to the economy, in the way that they nurture and bring up citizens who are well-grounded, balanced individuals. (Not to say that working parents aren't doing this - they have just chosen to employ other adults to do this job for them: childminders, nannies, nursery staff etc.)

The OP's husband believes that her contribution to their life is minimal - otherwise he wouldn't treat her with so little respect. IMHO, he sounds like an ass and needs to learn a lesson. Sadly, he sounds like someone who is so full of his own self-importance, that it would be hard to persuade him to change his viewpoint.

FWIW, when I was younger, I was in a relationship with a man who earnt twice what I did. We had no children but co-habited. He whittled away my self-esteem and happiness, and one of the things he once told me was that I had to do the majority of household chores to compensate for the lack in my financial contribution. Eventually I left him.

You cannot run a relationship on a tit-for-tat basis - unless you are running a business. If that is what your relationship has been reduced to, perhaps it is time for a rethink.

Good luck Shout, and anyone else in a similar position.

Oh Gawd, Xenia's off again.

This looks good, going to sit down with a cup of tea and read this tomorrow.

Caligula - yes, I think Xenia hates (a) all men (b) all women who don't behave like men.

no you know what, she's right

i'm a sahm and have to put up with being asked to stay at home with my son. i don't even get to enjoy washing, ironing, cleaning or gardenening, as dh has insisted that we pay other people to do it

no longer am i allowed to drag myself out of the house at 6:30 to spend an hour on the filthy tube to work all day in an airless office in the city

i am forced to fill my days doing fun things with my child and seeing friends

life is indeed a bitch

You know, I really really don't get the impression that Xenia does this generalised "hate" thing at all.

Poor you, it's a hard life. You should probably divorce and support your family singlehandedly to regain some self-respect.

catinthehat - do you read her posts? Men are all brainless, women are pathetic unless they are working full-time in male careers...

Xenia, you can't really be as permanently angry as you sound or you'd explode. I think you just like winding us up and watching us go...
The wonderful thing about being a SAHM these days is that it is a choice. So many fantastic women before us have proved that women can be and do everything, so now we can CHOOSE not to exhaust ourselves and be horrible to live with because we're so wrung out. Then, when the time is right for us we can return to employment. What's so wrong with that?

lol Tutter...you lucky thing...my life as a SAHM would be perfect if it wasn't for the household chores...I hate housework, lol!

I think what Xenia, indeed, tends to forget is, that a lot of women actually enjoy being SAHP and that having a family centred life can be very rewarding and fullfilling...don't mean that that person has to be their families slave!