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Original poster

Should my DH high salary exclude him from doing jobs at home

671 replies

Shout · 11/03/2007 12:43

I am at stay at home home Mum with 2 DS my husband has quite an important job and his salary reflects it. Everytime he has to work weekends or evenings he says that is what I am being paid for.

My biggest grip is that he is getting lazier around the house, meal plates left at the table coke cans around the house, cuff links ties left out and gets more out,gets changed from work, suit and dirty washing left on bed for me to clear wet towels ,floor. The kids get 10 mins of play fighting then he watches his programs/or is on the computer.If he doesn't want to do anything he just ignores it or says its not a problem eg tyres are not flat, toilet isn't blocked!

When ever I get cross that he doesn't do his fair share he says in a jokey mannner but I get paid so much.
I asked him several times to make an appointment to discuss situation he kept avoiding it, I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt, it took him 3 days to get round to reading it and never responded.

I am back to comfort eating putting on weight and feeling crap about myself, hence all physical contact is virtually non exsistent.

Any advise out there?

OP posts:
franca70 · 13/03/2007 21:53

but carers aren't strangers, are they?

yellowrose · 13/03/2007 21:54

Yes, schools are run by strangers - that is why you should home educate

yellowrose · 13/03/2007 21:55

What is wrong with the word servant ? We have had dross job, skivvy, etc many a time on these great threads ? Why is servant any worse ?

yellowrose · 13/03/2007 21:56

Apparently as a SAHM mum, I am my dh and ds's servant ? No ?

suejonez · 13/03/2007 21:57

yellowrose - you're using a rather extreme example of working mothers. I don't know any who went back to work after 3 days (in fact it is illegal to work within 2 weeks of giving birth and an employer can be prosecuted even if the employee consents). Most working mothers raise perfectly well adjusted, secure children (witness my mother), mostly they don't work weekends and 12 hour days, mostly they make many sacrifices for their children (the same as most mothers). I don't work to pay for a huge house and a legion of servants, I work in order to pay the ridiculous mortgage I need to keep a house in this part of London. Yes I could move to Dorset/Wales/Scotland where houses are cheaper but then my DS would not see his grandma every other day who he adores or any of his cousins who live around the corner.
There are many mothers who stay at home with their children, park them in front of TV feed them crap and scream at them, I'm sure you wouldn't think that was a typical example of a SAHM anymore than your example of the WOHM.

And I don't think Eleusis was being over sensitive - I took very clearly the message from Yellowroses post that women who work are not doing the best thing for their child - I was also offended by that though I tred hard not to be because I really don't care what anyone else thinks. I do what I feel is best for my family and frankly I think its pretty damn good. So there.

suejonez · 13/03/2007 21:58

nothing wrong with the word servant - I love it. From now on I am going to call anyone who works for me a servant.

Caligula · 13/03/2007 22:02

But why did you take that message? I didn't.

Both my kids have had au-pairs, childminders, and nursery. And the au-pairs and one of the childminders would now quite definitely be strangers to them. (Though not the nursery workers because they still see them as they're local and it's a small place.)

I don't care. It just doesn't matter. (To me anyway. Or to them, I think)

Judy1234 · 13/03/2007 22:07

I think you're his property rather this servant in historical and political terms.

I have no problems with the word servant. We can call spades spades. It's people who serve. We all serve. Nothing wrong with service either. I serve the people I work for. When I'm looking after them I serve my children.

Yes, I think cleaning is a dross job. It's not very interesting and in most organisations the worst paid people are the cleaners so our society seems to regard it as such too.

suejonez · 13/03/2007 22:08

I took that message because of the tone and content of her post...

"I didn't have him so that I could hand him over to a paid servant." as one example

Call me a mad over-sensitive fool but I didn't interpret that as a positive reflection on working mothers.

OK enough of this for me - I have no live in servants and have to get everything ready before the morning and I hand my poor wee boy over to a complete stranger. (Oh actually no, tomorrow is Grandma's day so I am handing him over to an unpaid relative)

yellowrose · 13/03/2007 22:08

Sue - I am glad you have replied. Unfortuantley if you can be bothered to read all of Xenia's posts, you will see that she has an extremey dim view of SAHM's. I thought it might be interesting to post an extreme scenario from my ex-law firm, mothers returning to work 3 days after birth, etc. Granted that most mothers return to work 6 - 12 months after birth.

It comes down to personal choice. I don't feel PERSONALLY offended by comments re. wiping my son's bottom and dross jobs that us SAHM mums do, why do yu feel so personally offended by anything I have to say ?

Caligula · 13/03/2007 22:09

Sorry I didn't mean why did you take that message.

You're entitled to take any message you like. Just, I didn't, and with the exception of a few months, I've always worked at a paid job. So I wondered why that message appeared to be there to other people with paid jobs, iyswim.

Judy1234 · 13/03/2007 22:11

They are just as paid as the average housewife is paid by her husband anyway. You're all paid unless you earn your own money. Strangers was a slightly more emotive word because I don't know any working parents who leave children with strangers. In fact children benefit from getting to know several adults yet another way stay at home mothers deny their children and hinder their development.

yellowrose · 13/03/2007 22:11

"I didn't have him so that I could hand him over to a paid servant"

I love that sentence, why is it SO offensive to you what I think about my son and how he should be cared for ?

Caligula · 13/03/2007 22:13

But Xenia, if you earn your own money you're paid too.

Anyone with any source of income is paid it. Confused

suejonez · 13/03/2007 22:14

why don't you feel personally offended by comments like that, yellowrose? I would. Being in a paid job doesn't exempt me from wiping my sons bum last time I checked or any of the drossy bits of motherhood.

I don't get the division which inevitably crops up about paid work vs staying home. In the end it wasn't a choice I had so perhaps I am just jealous of the opportunity, not sure I like my work too.

Off to bed.

yellowrose · 13/03/2007 22:14

Oh dear oh dear !

3andnomore · 13/03/2007 22:14

suejones, Xenia has mentioned in a great many threads that she went back to work fulltime when Kids were about 3 days old and that she feels that more then 2 hours in her Kids company is boring/tedious...

franca70 · 13/03/2007 22:14

I found it vaguely offensive too, and I'm a sahm.

suejonez · 13/03/2007 22:15

there should be a punctuation mark there - "not sure, I like my job"

franca70 · 13/03/2007 22:16

relief!!!

suejonez · 13/03/2007 22:17

"Oh dear oh dear !"

Tis too late for me to interpret that!

yellowrose · 13/03/2007 22:19

Caligula, it's great you came over to provide some sanity to this thread

Judy1234 · 13/03/2007 22:20

2 weeks, 5 with one, less with the twins. Yes, 2 hours a day is about what I like with the children over the last 22 years. It's never really changed. When I was a 22 year old full time working mother that was about an ideal too. Many parents feel the same. I'm sure the husbands of those on the thread are loving good kind involved fathers and often will spend that amoutn of time a day with chidlren. There's nothing wrong with that stance at all. You need to know yourself and what is best for you and your children. There's no heavenly rule book of childcare which says homeschool, cosleep, 24/7 up against mother's body, never out of her sight = production of perfect child.

I love having paid servants actually, always have. It takes a while particularly if you're a fairly shy 22 year old to get used to that dynamic but you adjust. There are issues over having someone around so you're taking the rough with the smooth; people are around and you need to be careful what you say and how you behave although that can be all to the good. Mother home with baby shouting at it, at end of tether... may be not as safe as mother with others around as checks and balances who might hear. Paying someone to do jobs you don't want to do is a nice positive capitalist thing to do. If you're fairly left wing though I can see people might have problems with it.

yellowrose · 13/03/2007 22:22

"why don't you feel personally offended by comments like that, yellowrose?"

Because I don't !

3andnomore · 13/03/2007 22:24

Xenia, see ther is something I agree on with you...I am paid through my dh salary...i.e. we have a joint account and I do not have to make any excuses or tell him how I use it, and this is our usable disposable income, same rights for both...I generally don't feel I need to earn money to have my own money, cos me and dh are equal, he works and earn the money, while I alook after the children, and I have as much right to spend the money as he has....
therefore my work is appreciated...I feel..if I had to fight with dh for money or whatever, I would probably feel rather pissed off and put down for doing the Job I do!
Must admit amongst some of my inlaws being a sahm wasn't that well seen, until some younger people in the family stated their reasons for NOT having children was, that they didn't feel they could survive without both working but wanting the benefite of a sahp....