Should my DH high salary exclude him from doing jobs at home

[Shout]

I am at stay at home home Mum with 2 DS my husband has quite an important job and his salary reflects it. Everytime he has to work weekends or evenings he says that is what I am being paid for.

My biggest grip is that he is getting lazier around the house, meal plates left at the table coke cans around the house, cuff links ties left out and gets more out,gets changed from work, suit and dirty washing left on bed for me to clear wet towels ,floor. The kids get 10 mins of play fighting then he watches his programs/or is on the computer.If he doesn't want to do anything he just ignores it or says its not a problem eg tyres are not flat, toilet isn't blocked!

When ever I get cross that he doesn't do his fair share he says in a jokey mannner but I get paid so much.
I asked him several times to make an appointment to discuss situation he kept avoiding it, I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt, it took him 3 days to get round to reading it and never responded.

I am back to comfort eating putting on weight and feeling crap about myself, hence all physical contact is virtually non exsistent.

Any advise out there?

WHERE is shout herself ?

Having lived with a slob in the past, I can confirm they are very difficult to reform. It is possible though, depends on how willing he is to keep his family together.

Xenia, earning more money than them doesn't protect you. It just means that you end up giving them half your hard earned money once they've bogged off. Ring any bells?

A lazy lard will be a lazy lard however much his wife earns.

shout is a troll you nobs

Yes, won't accuse any one of being a troll, but these sorts of threads do seem to be coming up with rather surprising frequency ?

Is MN suffering from "Dear Deidre" syndome ?
I assume this isn't MN HQ itself trying to keep the audience occupied, but would be sad if people were just doing it for kicks.

Xenia - I think that there is so much more to life than a career and children. IF you think marriage is only about having a partner to share financial, housework and childminding responsibilites, I could imagine that you might think that both partners ought to have an equal share of each, since it all sounds pretty boring.

But if you think, as I do, that a relationship has all kinds of other elements, that the financial responsibilities are only a means to an end (which doesn't preclude wanting to have a stimulating job), the housework a fairly minor chore and bringing up children totally unrelated to "childcare", then it's pretty difficult to fit it all in.

Wow, Big thanks you to all who responded.
Your advice has definetly helped and I liked the fact that there were so many different opinions.

I am living overseas so time zones a factor in me not responding sooner.

I used to work full time then we did almost split household responsibilities.DH and I decided that by the time we had paid for cleaning, ironing and childcare and the tax to Gordon I might as well be SAHM and the children could benefit and we wouldn't have to keep juggling diaries to ensure someone was home. He has the talent for making the most money and now he is earning more than both of us used to.

I have no problem doing the housework etc as we have joint bank accounts so half and half for the work. It just started to feel as though I was a servant and not getting any recognition.

Any way have put my foot down and dumped his items by his bed and he got the hint.It was as if the fairies has sprinkled pixie dust. He sorted out his wardrobe,Coke cans have gone in the bin, air went in the tyre and he even picked up my tea up as well as his own and took them into the kitchen.(I remembered to praise him!)

I am joining a gym today and back to healthy food.

For the curious ones amongst you its a 6 figure salary!

Thanks once again.

well I'm single and a high earner (though hnot 6 figures) and I do everything (obviously) - he should feel grateful you are prepared /able to be a SAHM. What would he do if you ran off with the milkman? The nanny wouldn't tidy up his stuff.

Sounds like you have it sorted though.

My BIL is similar I think they just get used to having people to do their bidding in work and it occassionally overlaps into home. Drives my sister nuts from time to time.

This is what I would do with anyone that I share a house with that left litter around etc....

How about putting all his litter in the bedroom and you share with your DD for a week, or pile it up at one end of the sitting room or something - just to make a growing pile somewhere annoying for him (yes i know, you will have to live with it until the point has been made) until he throws it away. Perhaps once he sees it all in one place and that it grows, he'll realise? Just keep adding all his stuff to it as he leaves it around the house. When he gets arsey about it, just tell him that you assumed he was keeping it and that you're not throwing his stuff away any more. Laundry left around, I would put it all in a bin bag in a corner of the room and when he runs out of clothes, tell him sorry but they haven't been washed as they didn't make it to the laundry basket and they're in a bin bag because you couldn't bear the smell.

Also - we must learn from this - teach our DSs to clear up after themselves as it is their wives that pick up the bill and imo, there is something very unattractive about a man who can't look after himself.

wow, shout, a 6 figure salary!

whats that?

Runninglate - I keep saying that too. We should all be teaching our SONS as well as our daughters that they can't be a slob and get away with it. In fact teach it in the context of respect for women. That is why my dh is so considerate and lacks male chauvenism. He was brought up properly by both parents.

Yellowrose - that is a very good point. Respect is the key thing I think. I always find (generally speaking) that men fall too easily in to being mummied and having someone run around after them. I can only assume it's because they've have had it at home growing up. No son or daughter of mine is going to be allowed to leave home until they know how to cook, iron and be considerate of cohabitees. It makes me so cross that many parents turn in to their children's slaves and it really does not help them.....!

Yes, I remember one lad, a rich kid, father had a titel of some sort, whose mum still chose all his clothes for him at age 22 and also did all his washing for him - he took his dirty laundry home to mummy at the weekends

The same man married a foreign girl and made crude comment in front of my ex-boyfriend re. she having had her sausage meal "last night".

You get the image. Mummy didn't teach him manners re. women.

yuk

Actually I see that the other way.
I have no taste in clothes, so if someone wants to do it for me, and actually enjoys shopping, they buy for me with my blessing and thanks.

But as a teenager you are supposed to rebel. To me a kid who lets his mother buy his clothes isn't taking advantage, instead he is being weak.

Hi DC,

I agree with you in that clothes buying is a very difficult task! It's the other stuff like laundry and basically anything domestic that we're talking about really. If you share a house with someone, then there are basic things, like, not leaving your litter lying around / dirty plates outside of the kitchen etc that should just be done. It's basic courtesy, whether it's a flat mate of same sex / different sex, or DP. Respect for another human beings living space.

Perhaps she should try doing the following - and all housewives on mumsnet who want to do their job properly.....

"50's Style Housewife

Have dinner ready:
Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself:
Take fifteen minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives home. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

Clear away the clutter:
Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your man arrives, gathering up school books, toys, papers, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too.

Prepare the children:
Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if neccessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

Minimise all noise:
At the time of his arrival eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

Some dont's:
Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

Make him comfortable:
Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillows and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing, and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax - unwind.

Listen to him:
You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of stress and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

The goal:
Try to make your home a place of peace and order, where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Extract from Home Economics Book - 1950"

Xenia, you are funny

"Speak in a low, soft, soothing, and pleasant voice. "
I think my DH would find that incredibly irritating! He'd love the rest though - he can dream
Did they have dishwashers in the 50s?

Shout - good for you for putting your foot down! I was sahm for 12 years. DH earns reasonable money and occasionally gets called upon evenings & weekends.

He has always been happy to share the housework as his belief is that we are a team and I'm the one with the tough job!

Our children are older now, so they do about an hour's chores at the weekend in exchange for their pocket money.

They have cleared the table ever since they were old enough to carry plates safely. They also enjoy helping their Grandmother by mowing her lawn, etc.

Message withdrawn

DC - the word is wimp. He was the biggest wimp I have ever met. They tend to be wimps, men who put their wives down like that and show disrespect in front of other people.

As for taste, dh gets me to choose his suits and ties. That's different

But Dior shouldn't housewives follow it to some extent? Do husbands today whose wives don't work get a worse deal because women criticise them all the time and won't even do the housewife job properly?

We all have six figure salaries.

It just depends where in the six figures you put the decimal point.