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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should my DH high salary exclude him from doing jobs at home

671 replies

Shout · 11/03/2007 12:43

I am at stay at home home Mum with 2 DS my husband has quite an important job and his salary reflects it. Everytime he has to work weekends or evenings he says that is what I am being paid for.

My biggest grip is that he is getting lazier around the house, meal plates left at the table coke cans around the house, cuff links ties left out and gets more out,gets changed from work, suit and dirty washing left on bed for me to clear wet towels ,floor. The kids get 10 mins of play fighting then he watches his programs/or is on the computer.If he doesn't want to do anything he just ignores it or says its not a problem eg tyres are not flat, toilet isn't blocked!

When ever I get cross that he doesn't do his fair share he says in a jokey mannner but I get paid so much.
I asked him several times to make an appointment to discuss situation he kept avoiding it, I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt, it took him 3 days to get round to reading it and never responded.

I am back to comfort eating putting on weight and feeling crap about myself, hence all physical contact is virtually non exsistent.

Any advise out there?

OP posts:
recoveringmum · 15/03/2007 08:58

and the greatest thing is, being young and a working mother of two, i have tons of energy to make sure i have my life going exactly how i want it, and that includes taking my two girls on all of our business trips - and getting to mix work and family, with great adventures for my dds, all together.

one month when our nanny/housekeeper was overseas i spent the whole month taking dd1 to her playgroup in the mornings. i couldnt beleive that the sahms spent their whole day talking about the thing their hubbies didn't do to help them, the way the other sahms dressed or fed themselves and their children, and the flowers and sofas and blinds they were buying for their house.

it seemed like they spend little 'quality' time with thier children and too much time dabbling on matters that dont require so much contemplation - such as which food to prepare for lunch and how to go about doing it.

instead of talking, i do things, and spend the other time getting more things done at work.

by the way my job is in the baby industry and when dd2 was born i didn't take a single day off work - just worked at home with dd1 for a few weeks and then brought her into the office until she was 4 months! now i alternate between home and office.

themildmanneredjanitor · 15/03/2007 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anna8888 · 15/03/2007 08:59

themildmanneredjanitor - amen. No one can out-Xenia Xenia...

CODalmighty · 15/03/2007 09:00

in answer to the op

NO

Anna8888 · 15/03/2007 09:01

the baby industry - now that's a curious concept. You make babies in a factory?

Rantum · 15/03/2007 09:05

Didnt read the whole thread, so apologise if I am repeating points already made, but I think that when women work outside the home for good money we usually still get the brunt of the housework and childcare when we get home and don't tend to feel that "because I earn the money" is a good reason to ignore the children and the home.

Your husband is not just lazy, he is a chauvinist.

Judy1234 · 15/03/2007 09:06

Yes, recoveringmum, I had 3 by the time I was 26 and worked full time. Anyway this thread just shows sadly the gulf between people which is a shame.

As for fascist all you little compliant hausfraus your lives bounded by kinder kuche and kirche or whatever... we know who advocated your lifestyle. Women working full time is the real socialist model and I can say that always having voted conservative. Laughing as I type... and now I've done the weekly Tesco order you'd better stop distracting me on here as I've work to do.

yellowrose · 15/03/2007 09:06

In answer to Xenia

NO

yellowrose · 15/03/2007 09:07

You are beginning to sound rather MAD Xenia - aren't you ?

Tortington · 15/03/2007 09:07

custy's resposnse to the xenia list that no one read. and no one will read this either - but hey ho.

  1. You are happier as you have a more balanced life.

says who? rather than stating it as a fact you should perhaps say I am happier....

  1. You earn money and can help your children by that - poverty is one of the best indicators of failure in children and we all know how expensive children are; money does matter.

people dont get out of poverty by only working you poor poor deluded woman. People get out of poverty through chance & education.

  1. You aren't dependent on a man to leech off for cash. So if he disappears abroad and gives up work when he takes up with a blonde 20 year old your children don't turn round and blame you for plunging them into poverty and on state benefits as you earn a good salary and their lives continue.

or you earn a rubbish salary - as many of the population do and thing becme more difficult - as we are not all able to live the xenia life.

  1. You are a good example to daughters and sons that women's role in the world is as much to lead and play a full part in the economic life of the country as to wipe bottoms and clear up male detritus at home.

again says who?

  1. You do more for the country as a tax payer and a contributor to whatever work you do - as doctor or nurse helping people or whatever the work is.

The sentence structure is por with this one - even i have difficulty understanding it, however i think you are compating taxes with lives saved?

  1. Latest surveys shows children with some nursery experiences do better in school, socialise better and do better in life.

what surveys - Prove your argument do a link.
stop presenting things as fact.

  1. You avoid the child being dependent and clingy never able to leave mother's side suffering from separation anxieties and never able to be left with anyone.

have you got any statistics to back this up? becuase i am sure many SAHMs can tell you of their boisterous children. FACTS

  1. You allow the child to be subject to other influences. You aren't a God. A s a mother you often get things wrong. Let the child be open to influences of many rather than indoctrination by you.

I am sure a SAHM do this, after all they dont put their children in a box away from society.

  1. You get a break, variety and aren't in the unnatural state of 24/7 mothering often isolated and fed up, depressed and on tablets. Instead you're out in the world with other adults having sane adult conversations. You feel much better.

You may have felt much better but for many etting children ready for work and balancing lifes shittyness is no better becuase you are at work. your argument seems to presuppose that SAHMS do not have friends t introduce new conversation.

  1. You're more likely to stay fit, dress better etc because you have to keep up the standards of the office so it's good for your self esteem than stuck at home covered in baby sick all day.

ranting? or have you anything other than opinion

  1. [ why did I say 20 I'm getting fed up with this list.....] Your husband helps more at home - there isn't that dreadful inequality and role division where woman equals cleaning up and service usually 7 days a week whilst he the male God gets out there and comes home to rest so you work 7 days a week at home and he barely 5. So you have a fairer more adult relationship with him rather than one of dependence and having to accept things you don't like because you're economically dependent on him - see 1950s housewife list.

i think your deluded when you both work all that happens is the woman ends up screeming " I WORK TOO< pull your fucking finger out"

a man doesn't automatically do thngs because you both earn money IMPO

  1. As you dress better for work, have interesting experiences each day to talk about rather than how many poos Johnny did and what vaccuous mother scorned you at play group you may be more attractive to your husband.

are you shitting me? i need to o to work to be attractive to my husband? what kind of fucking reasn is that? seriously read again xenia - you profess womens rights, equallity- hwever we should go to work to be more attractive to our husbands?
13. Power balance in the relationship may be better - more equal rather than he holds all the cards. Your work is as well paid and appreciated as his.

  1. Appreciation - although I love you mummy and adoring smiles are a lovely part all working and non working parents enjoy about having children, children don't go round patting you on the back. I get plaudits, applause, appreciation (as well as occasional abuse of course) in the course of work which is great and you don't get at home.

this is true in some workplaces not in all. this is the only benefit i can agree with thus far.

at work - you do get recognised for a job well done. in some workplaces

... how are we doing...
.......yawn actually....

  1. If you work you do what is natural as women always have worked. It is bizarre not to. If you work you continue the tradition of millennia of women working and keeping their children. It is the ancient and better way and links you with a tradition of women going back thousands of years.

yes another agreement hee - women have always worked mostly becuase they have been starving.

  1. Children appreciate you more. They see you as an interesting adult. Mine sometimes like to talk to friends about my work. They seem to like they might see a book I've written or whatever it might be. They have a pride in their parents' work nad it helps show them that women work, not that women stay at home and clean up mess.

children don't appreciate you more says who ? * facts please. SAHMS can be an interesting adult. My dauhter has very rich friends, the mothers stay a home becuase its a status symbal - like a JAG, so regarding the pride in parents work - there is mre status staying at home - depending on the affluence of the area in which you live.

  1. You get the best of all worlds - money, status, equality in your relationship if you choose to have a relationship with a man (or woman) at all (some of us are single), and all those lovely hours with babies and children. A great balance of work and family life as most couples have.

doesnt make it utopia.

  1. You avoid the uber mothering syndrome where the children are the be all and end all of your life, the little emperors who think the world revolves around them, whom you serve. You know every detail of their lives to the extent they virtually have no privacy. As they get older you intrude into their lives when they would rather be casting you off but if you're home that means redundancy. Hard adjustment.

points 7 & 8 regurgitated.

  1. It is deadly boring to be a housewife with virtually no thanks and very little appreciation or status and no pay. If you are lucky whilst still married but not usually once he divorces you, your husband if you have one may appreciate your role is as important as his - he may stay this but he may well nto believe it. You do housework day after day - do it and redo it. Clean the floor. Redo it. How any intelligent woman can like most of the role is beyond me. Even playing with a baby palls after a few hours, deadly dull and so demanding. They cry and cry and need to be held. It's much better for your mentla health if you work and have a break from that and then return refreshed and happy to the baby.

your stretching now - thats not even a reason its just going on with yourself

  1. It is morally wrong to be dependent on a man for money when you're a fully grown adult woman in 2007. I sit here looking at some people and I fell like I'm in the real world looking into cages of exhibits - Housewife Circa 2007. A temporary and dying breed or aberration.

morally wrong? to take the utmost pride in looking ater your children.

Let the scales fall from your eyes and hot foot it down to the employment agency tomorrow. There is your route to long term happiness. You will thank me for this. Go forth and think on these things for I am right.

LONG TERM HAPPINESS? isn't working at tesco ever fucking day with no way out.

LONG TERM HAPPINESS isnt workin in a factory for a catalogue company

LONG TERM HAPPINESS isnt making the disney tubes with crayons and pictures inside - you know the ones for 2p per tube. IN ENGLAND.

dont tell me - how dare you tell me long term happiness is gained through working - its partonising to those at the poor end of te spectrum who have nothing but poorly paid, rubbish jobs with no applause and little security. patronising and blinkered.

yellowrose · 15/03/2007 09:07

Anna - we are going to Germany soon to visit my aunt.

Italy next year ?

yellowrose · 15/03/2007 09:09

oh this is going to be FUN - will come back to read custardo's list this afternoon after doing all my hausfrau duties !

kittywaitsfornumber6 · 15/03/2007 09:09

Haven't read any posts but the op. So in reply to that: As much as I believe that mothers who stay at home should do the lion's share of housework and child rearing, your husband clearly has no respect for you whatsoeveer. it is not about how much money is rearned. You need to think about whether you can continue to be with a man who obviously has almost no respect or regard for you at all. If he doesn't get his act together I think you should leave him, honestly. He sounds like an arse.

yellowrose · 15/03/2007 09:11

The Communist Model - I will come back to discuss that too.

Rantum · 15/03/2007 09:11

Furthermore, most employed nannies/housekeepers etc DO actually get time off after working all week in a person's home or with their children. Even as a parent you are due some recuperative time off from being Mum/Wife/Cleaner/Cook.

Anna8888 · 15/03/2007 09:11

You need to get out and about more Xenia. Far too many hours inside in NW London and not nearly enough time roaming the world have given you a one-track mind.

Anna8888 · 15/03/2007 09:14

OK, Italy next year , lots of time to discuss where and when (I love the planning). See you here after the CHORES.

Nightynight · 15/03/2007 09:55

ha ha
xenia says things I wouldnt dare to say on mumsnet.

in answer to shouts OP:
yes, housework is OK, but not clearing up after a lazy slob. He should be ashamed of himself, and clear up his own coke cans/plates/dirty laundry. High salary, pah, no excuse for personal slobbery and selfishness.

Holly29 · 15/03/2007 09:55

Just found this thread and have spent far too much of my working day reading it!

Just want to say thanks to Xenia - controversial as that may sound.

I'm 3 months pg and am having the 'do I want to go back to work' thing, my DH has a high salary and I don't need to, but you know what, after reading your list I don't think I can even contemplate it anymore. I am going to print it out and carry it around with me, because the truth is that I think it makes a lot of sense.

Thank you.

Judy1234 · 15/03/2007 10:02

Good. cust, I read it. Working mothers read work things, read quickly, keep that ability to digest information, don't have brain atrophy...... okay I generalise here... may be that's 21 on the list. Like they say when you're over 65 take up gameboy mind games or cross word puzzles and if you don't use it you lose it, yet another benefit of working. You lot fo draw out the best in me.

Why do some (not all) of the stay at home mothers go in for the kind of intemperate language more than the working mothers? Does their blood boil more then they're told they damage their children by staying home than that of a working mother told she damages her children by working? If you take the way the stay at homers comment compared with the working ones on every thread there is a bit of difference in their argument and stance and the kinds of comments they make. I suppose the working mothers are just superior all round. Not blaming the stay at homers. They didn't realise the 20 points when they made that wrong choice. However time will prove me right.

UnquietDad · 15/03/2007 10:04

I don't agree with everything Xenia says, but I have a working DW and I'm glad that she is on here putting the working parent's point of view. All too often, the working parent is vilified and excluded, especially at the school gates. It's good to have a bit of balance.

suejonez · 15/03/2007 10:04

PMSL Xenia - I have changed my opinion of you, I think I love you and want to have your babies. I work in the City and guess that you might too - would you object terribly if I stalked you?

recoveringmum · 15/03/2007 10:06

Xenia you are a bit too controversial for me but its cute

I still think any SAHMs who are truly happy and at peace with themselves and can pass that onto their children, are very lucky.

My way of being happy, fulfilled, calm, inspired, creative and succesfull at home, relationship and work - involves working, taking care of the kids, loving my dh and having a nice home to come home to!

i am at work now. my dh is my boss! he is sitting infront of me asking if i am getting ahead with some of my projects. Luckily i am a superb multitakser!

recoveringmum · 15/03/2007 10:08

yes and all you sahms who shun us, stop wasting your time, go spend it with your children instead.

piglit · 15/03/2007 10:13

I'd love to know where your experience of sahms and their children comes from xenia. You are very good at making sweeping generalistions without any evidence to back up your comments. eg., sahms are leeches/should have their own income/etc etc. I have my own income and I am financially secure. This obsession with money and financial independence seems to be a recurring theme throughout a huge number of your posts and it's regurgitated on a regular basis in different guises. You do seem to have an issue with sahms which I just can't work out. Why do you care? Why are you so scathing? Myself - I have a major issue with a woman who goes back to work when their baby is 2 weeks old but actually, it's none of my business how you've chosen to raise your children (or paid someone else to do it for you).

A lot of your comments aimed at sahms are without foundation and quite bitter. Certainly not within the MN philosophy.