Should my DH high salary exclude him from doing jobs at home

[Shout]

I am at stay at home home Mum with 2 DS my husband has quite an important job and his salary reflects it. Everytime he has to work weekends or evenings he says that is what I am being paid for.

My biggest grip is that he is getting lazier around the house, meal plates left at the table coke cans around the house, cuff links ties left out and gets more out,gets changed from work, suit and dirty washing left on bed for me to clear wet towels ,floor. The kids get 10 mins of play fighting then he watches his programs/or is on the computer.If he doesn't want to do anything he just ignores it or says its not a problem eg tyres are not flat, toilet isn't blocked!

When ever I get cross that he doesn't do his fair share he says in a jokey mannner but I get paid so much.
I asked him several times to make an appointment to discuss situation he kept avoiding it, I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt, it took him 3 days to get round to reading it and never responded.

I am back to comfort eating putting on weight and feeling crap about myself, hence all physical contact is virtually non exsistent.

Any advise out there?

Who are you trying to convince Xenia?

recoveringmum, who are the sahm's who shun you?

I've never experienced a great divide, some mums work and some don't.

Maybe I'm lucky but I've never felt or been looked down on for my choices as far as work is involved.

in fact before I discovered MN I didn't realise this divide might exist!

Xenia your retirement plans sound dire. Thank goodness I have a great parental retirement model and know that there is one hell of a lot more to life after 65 than gameboy, mind games and crossword puzzles.

Likewise, I have no idea of what this 'divide' is. Over the 8 years since I became a mother, I have been a highly paid investment banker, a SAHM and now, a full time student. I haven't seen any change in the way fellow mothers or anyone else for that matter has treated me.

I must say that I find it utterly bizarre that anyone who has 5 children and is apparently so thoroughly content with their life can waste so much of that most precious commodity of all- time, posting on here defending it.

gosh this is so entertaining!! Love the 20 point list Xenia. On a serious note, if we can restore some sanity to the thread, i think there is a huge spectrum we're talking about re: SAHMs. I have friends who've made the decision to remain at home while their kids are pre-school, because idealogically they want to be a full time carer. They've remained interesting and well rounded people, who can still have a conversation about current affairs etc and don't totally obsess about their kids. They've then made the transition back into work almost seamlessly - probably precisely BECAUSE they are interesting and confident people. At the other end of the spectrum are those who are STILL at home long after their kids are in school, spending their time watching daytime telly,hanging around the gym, 'doing lunch' and wondering why they have nothing to say to their husbands each evening. These are the ones who I think Xenia is referring to when she talks about mothers who have nothing else meaningful in their lives, and who are in danger of not letting their kids grow up to live their own lives. And I agree with that - I know a few mothers like that and have zero respect for them.

Beautifully put chocolatedot.

actually I don't think there is such a great divide.

I think what it comes down to is when someone decides their way is the only way to go and comes across as patronising to others. people generally don't like being patronised and might return the attitude back.

maybe this is why certain people dislike others - because of attitudes, not their position on working.

yes, patronising and authoritarian.

Who does Xenia think she is to think that she knows the universal truth about what is good for women?

and - recoveringmum - are disliked.

nobody took care of my dd2 other than me my dh and my mother until she was 4 months. i was jsut lucky to bring her to work with me. that is in accordance with the original tradition of attachmetn parenting. having your children attached to you while you work. dd1 was similarly attached to me at work until she was nearly 1.

i definately dont think all sahms are like this, only the ones in my area. and mind you thery are all very wealthy and definately dont need to work to support themselves.

nor am i bitter about them. just find it not nice that they dont invite my dds to their parties when the children are all such friends. its childish.

the product i work for is for babies. our consumers are parents and babies

recoveringmum - I probably wouldn't invite your child either given your views expressed on this thread...

thats silly. why not liked? i reiterate that i stand behind any sahm that is happy with what she has chosen for herslef as i would hope and sahm would be happy for me with my choice.

where i live thats how it is, a subtle yet clear divide.

i am wasting very little time this morning posting here, but will definately stop now.

what a considerate mother. not invite your children's friends becuase you disagree with their mothers opinion

Working mothers and determined, ambitious women in general so altered the status of women in society that we SAHMs can now choose to raise our own children, knowing we no longer have to prove we are equal to men. I would hate to be living at a time when you were obliged to give up work on marriage, then stay home with children because little else was available to you. It wasn't men who happily relinquished their power, it was women like Xenia and Recoveringmum who wrenched it from them, and we, whether you like it or not, are the beneficiaries.

I believe that it a major responsibility of parents to guide their children in choosing their friends.

steinermum - I "wrenched power from men" myself before giving up work (temporarily) to bring up my children. That is why I feel more than equal to my partner and can determine my own life - because I am just as capable as he is (actually, probably more capable because I know how to do a lot of things he doesn't).

Have to admit having recently gone back to work I do have to agree with some of xenia and recovering mums sentiments.

Whilst off I seemed to spend an inordinate amount of time moaning about what DH had or hadn't done around the house. Now I don't have time to worry about it, I just pay for the cleaner, or phone the ironing agency, do it myself or ask DH to do it when he forgets. I'm not saying that my experience is the same as the OPs, but I have found that my self esteem has gone up since I went back to work and I'm less bothered about how the house looks - again haven't got time to care - and if DH does leave his stuff strewn across the floor well it just stays there until either he or the cleaner sort it out.

However I have never understood why xenia feels its so pivotal for women to work f/t. I work reduced hours 4 days a week and to me it seems a good compromise. I have a reasonable career which ok might not move forward as fast as it would if I was f/t but I don't want it to, if I was promoted that would mean additional travelling and unpaid overtime and at least 3.5 hours a day with DS on the days I work and obviously 24 hrs a day ( with time off for good behaviour )on those I don't.

have to say I disagree with you there Anna.

I think, well have learned!, children will choose their own friends and gradually they'll learn what friendships they want to continue and what ones to give up on. This is a part of them growing up.

However, don't fancy taking kids to a party when I know some of the mums will be looking down there noses at me or my lifestyle.

Thats a totally different matter!

ssd - ok, so you'd let your children be friends with children of parents who took illegal drugs? Were alcoholic?

have never came across kids with parents like that, so can't answer.

my two are 6 and 9 and they have many different friends, the 9 yr old especially is doing the learning I was talking about the hard way just now, but I don't want to interfere with his choices, just be there to support him and love him.

Steinermum, women like Xenia with their blinkered, ignorant and bombastic views have done zero for women IMO. Someone who can't bear to spend more than 2 hours between 5 children a day as a role model???? - I don't think so. I would be horrified if my husband who spends at least 50 - 60 hours a week in the office expressed such a view.

The women I look up to those who have achieved though ability and good solid hard work and did so with dignity and without the need to lecture the rest of womanhood.

Anna I think you have been quite rude to recoveringmum.

I think that it is easy to say that it isn't parental responsibility to guide your children in choosing friends if you live in a relatively protected environment. In fact, you have already taken on board that responsibility by choosing to live in that environment.

Where I live, in Paris, a lot of children go to state schools which are very socially mixed (French principle). My elder stepson brings friends home sometimes that we really have a hard time dealing with, and when we meet the parents (which we try to do) we understand why.