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Original poster

Should my DH high salary exclude him from doing jobs at home

671 replies

Shout · 11/03/2007 12:43

I am at stay at home home Mum with 2 DS my husband has quite an important job and his salary reflects it. Everytime he has to work weekends or evenings he says that is what I am being paid for.

My biggest grip is that he is getting lazier around the house, meal plates left at the table coke cans around the house, cuff links ties left out and gets more out,gets changed from work, suit and dirty washing left on bed for me to clear wet towels ,floor. The kids get 10 mins of play fighting then he watches his programs/or is on the computer.If he doesn't want to do anything he just ignores it or says its not a problem eg tyres are not flat, toilet isn't blocked!

When ever I get cross that he doesn't do his fair share he says in a jokey mannner but I get paid so much.
I asked him several times to make an appointment to discuss situation he kept avoiding it, I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt, it took him 3 days to get round to reading it and never responded.

I am back to comfort eating putting on weight and feeling crap about myself, hence all physical contact is virtually non exsistent.

Any advise out there?

OP posts:
yellowrose · 14/03/2007 12:30

Eleusis - society does both - you are right. Quite my point. Society pressures women to DO EVERYTHING and be good at it. If you are not good at one or the other you are classed a failure.

Anna8888 · 14/03/2007 12:30

franca - that's the point, superwoman is a MYTH

Soapbox · 14/03/2007 12:31

Anna - I think superwoman is not a great term admittedly, but why shouldn't successful women be applauded.

Perhaps definitions of success will vary - but if you are doing a good job of what ever you choose to do, that should be celebrated.

Xenia, unlike most of us who have only younger children, is at least able to look at her adult children and know that she has made a success of the way she has brought them up (a success measured by what she thought was important as a parent). That really shouldn;t be knocked!

I don't see her as juggling too much or being overwrought in any way. Her success as a parent and as a lawyer don;t seem to be in question.

What is questionable is that she would like to convert everyone to her way of thinking adn of raising children - adn as I've already said that is a rather pointless exercise IMO

yellowrose · 14/03/2007 12:31

Hi anna - hope you are feeling better today

beckybrastraps · 14/03/2007 12:33

What is a "female overachiever"?

Anna8888 · 14/03/2007 12:33

hi yellowrose - yes, better every day thank you . Just feeling pissed off at having put on 3kg for nothing... so I must be feeling better if I've nothing more constructive to moan about.

Anna8888 · 14/03/2007 12:34

becky - see last line of my post at 1225

Eleusis · 14/03/2007 12:34

Anna, then don't do it all. I don't. I have the same rights to make choices as my DH. He chooses to follow his career. I choose to follow mine. We meet in the middle on childcare and household chores. He works away most of the week, so more childcare falls in my lap. So, on the weekend, he picks up more chores, and it works out in the end. (but he doesn't like for me to tell people about the not so manly chores which he does ) Now, if that isn't evidence of a society who still thinks women belong at home and men at work then I don't know what is.

Caligula · 14/03/2007 12:35

I don't think it's pointless.

I think everyone has the right to try to persuade others of their point of view.

Obviously, you're not going to do that very successfully if you insult or denigrate the othere person's point of view.

But I don't see why Xenia shouldn't try and convert us all. She'll be a long time trying though!

Anna8888 · 14/03/2007 12:36

eleusis - oh I'm fine, my life is relatively sorted and I don't put pressure on myself to go back to work yet (though I do want to in the future).

Soapbox · 14/03/2007 12:38

Caligula - I think you will only achieve that (changing someone's pov) if you try to understand the values that they hold dear.

I don't think you will do so, but just reiterating your own values over and over again.

But clealy Xenia is in for the long haul - so we may be surprised yet

Soapbox · 14/03/2007 12:39

by - not but!

Eleusis · 14/03/2007 12:40

Although, funny you guys should mention "superwoman" because I have been to stomp me feet in rage and say "I am not your superwoman. I can not do it all!" in reference to the chore division in the house.

But I do suscribe to the Xenia Schooll of Bluntery on this subject: my career does not take a back seat to my husband's career.

laksa · 14/03/2007 12:43

Wow this is a long thread, apologies if someone has suggested this already but I think the solution is to calculate how many hours your dh does and that is the amount you should do in the home. Any extra time is leisure time for the both of you...if extra chores need to be done in this leisure time (ie after dh gets home from work) then you should split them equally between the two of you.

Just because you are a sahm doesn't mean that you shouldn't have time off. As many ppl have said, it is not slavery. To be quite honest if your dh cares about you, he should want you to be happy.

xx

Eleusis · 14/03/2007 12:48

And where is Xenia? I'm so looking forward to the list. Oh Xenia where are you?... (sung to the tune of Scooby Doo)

laksa · 14/03/2007 12:51

I don't understand why people have to try and convert others. Some people find it fulfilling being a sahm, others prefer to work full time and some work part time. I don't think any of us need to be made to feel guilty for working full time or inferior for staying at home.

There is no one size fits all. It depends on the individual and there are pros and cons to all the options available to us. It really does depend on your situation. I find it difficult to believe that everyone is happy with their situation 100% of the time.

BarbieLovesKen · 14/03/2007 12:59

Xenia, please print the list - im Intrigued!!

hunkermunker · 14/03/2007 13:02

Yellowrose, I'm working full time and DS2 is a bfed 13mo. He will self wean (showing NO sign of doing so thus far...) - so it is fully possible. I expressed a bit at work and wasn't full time till he was one (did 30 hours, now do 40), admittedly, but didn't express much.

It's often a lot more possible to bfeed and work than people seem to believe.

yellowrose · 14/03/2007 13:13

hunker - I know your story from other threads and admire you for it. I know some mothers do this. I would not have been able to return to my old job on a part time basis. The very last deal I did at work involved 6 am - midnight ever day with an hour commute in a taxi each way.

No one expressed milk, no one left work early. It was unheard of. It would not have mattered whether I went back at 6 months or 12 months, it would have been the same conditions.

I appreciate my situation was a bit extreme. In the end we decided it wasn't in our baby's best interest to work those hours and actually be away from him 12 hours a day, 5 days a week, possibly weekends too.

It just wasn't for us that kind of lifestyle.

yellowrose · 14/03/2007 13:16

It is possible in a job with regular 9 - 5 hours or hours that are limited. Not in mine. I had uncertain hours that could not be limited in a contract. They wouldn't have accepted it.

suejonez · 14/03/2007 14:03

I moved jobs prior to having children so that I could cut back on my hours and cut out the European travelling. I now earn 50% of what I did a few years ago but it is possible to compromise sometimes.

ssd · 14/03/2007 14:35

SJ, just clicked on your profile!

love your answer to hobbies and pastimes!!

and your baby looks gorgoeus!

sorry for diversion........

suejonez · 14/03/2007 14:38

he is lovely isn't he - even more fab in the flesh as those MN'ers who have met him will confirm.

franca70 · 14/03/2007 14:52

he is adorable suejonez

Eleusis · 14/03/2007 14:53

Yes indeed. Very cute in person. I can confirm that claim.