Should my DH high salary exclude him from doing jobs at home

[Shout]

I am at stay at home home Mum with 2 DS my husband has quite an important job and his salary reflects it. Everytime he has to work weekends or evenings he says that is what I am being paid for.

My biggest grip is that he is getting lazier around the house, meal plates left at the table coke cans around the house, cuff links ties left out and gets more out,gets changed from work, suit and dirty washing left on bed for me to clear wet towels ,floor. The kids get 10 mins of play fighting then he watches his programs/or is on the computer.If he doesn't want to do anything he just ignores it or says its not a problem eg tyres are not flat, toilet isn't blocked!

When ever I get cross that he doesn't do his fair share he says in a jokey mannner but I get paid so much.
I asked him several times to make an appointment to discuss situation he kept avoiding it, I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt, it took him 3 days to get round to reading it and never responded.

I am back to comfort eating putting on weight and feeling crap about myself, hence all physical contact is virtually non exsistent.

Any advise out there?

Blimey, I haven't been able to read every post but did have two points I wanted to make. Firstly to Xenia, you don't have to be rich to be a SAHM and secondly to those who suggest a cleaner to rectify the OP's troubles, would you really expect a cleaner to pick up wet towels, dirty punders etc? I certainly wouldn't.

My DH has a big salary and so did I until I gave up work to be a SAHM. I do pretty much all the domestic stuff (with the help of a cleaner) but like others, I expect common courtesy and certainly an active part in looking after children.

Xenia, your views are ridiculous. I proved myself over an 18 year career which I ended at the very top of my profession. There has been no change in our relationship or level of mutual respect since I gave up work. Most well developed people respect a person for who they are rather than some idiotic percieved 'role'.

Regardless of salary, you need to sit your DH down and tell him he is being a poor role model as a father and as a man. How can he expect his chilren to grow up with values and manners if he fails to show them how? He is also setting an example that it is okay to treat you, and women within the home in general, with little to no respect - and that is not good enough. Don't get angry with him - just say as calmly as possible how very sad it is to witness how poor a father he has become and how you had hoped when you married that you married a real man, who could be a real role model to your children. Sigh and then walk away and let him sit with that for a while. If it doesn't sink in and make him take action then nothing will.

Money makes no difference when it comes to being a father. None whatsoever.

So so glad to read this today - at all time low as asked my "very important,very busy" accountant husband what time he was coming home as I had migraine and could do with help with 3 kids - was told he was planning to work late and no offer of help given.Excuse the rant but do everything in home, fair enough only work one day a week outside home so don't mind doimg most of chores but eldest kids treat me as unpaid chamber maid/cook/taxi service and husband is too busy being important to notice my frustrations as when he's not at work he's cycling (to relieve his stress!!) or entertaining clients whilst I have waited since christmas to shop for a bra without 3 kids in tow but still not got to town on my own so looks like more grey underwear for a bit or mail order.Thanks a lot - feel much better for a rant

Yellowrose, yes, I know there are some industries that it wouldn't work in.

But I don't do a 9-5 job (I do four 10-hour days), and I do have partly unpredictable hours (I can be called into work on some of my days off), and there are still ways round it

You are right hunker, there are ways round it, for example I could have ditched the City job and taken another one in a smaller local firm, fewer hours, less status, less money. I was being called by recruitment agencies who had me on their books when I was still pregnant. I just said no. I am going for self-employment this time. It suits dh, ds and I much better.

I hope I haven't suggested that bf is the ONLY reason I have stayed home to look after ds until he is much older ? I have lots of other reasons which I have talked about here and elsewhere.

May be Xenia and I should compare our lists ? Perhaps not, it might lead to WW III ?

tracey, that's why it really is best if all women work full time and then these inequalities don't arise. Yes, that does mean mean have to do more hoovering but ultimately it's for the good of everyone.

I busy being superwoman today so haven't had time to read this until now.

There's nothing wrong with people who think something is wrong or right telling others. It's important. I hope for example we'd all lobby agianst female genital mutilation as it's objectively wrong rather than sit there smiling inanely saying - oh yes you're entitled to your view and me to mine, it's your culture. In the same way if a staty at home mother says it is better for her children if she doesn't work I will say, no, your children will not be harmed if you work and there are these advantages... and she is free to say to me maternal deprivation of under 5s damages children for life.

Happy to repeat that I'm content with 2 hours a day with my children and don't think I would enjoy much more and never have when I've had it. I will have done more hours of one on one mothering than anyone on the thread even though I work full time though if you take 5 children and 22 years as a mother. So perhaps I should get the prize for "Spending most hours with their children".

I'm trying to cook some semblance of a meal for my brother and the boys though after my super mother type day and listening to my brother's wonderful piano improvisation; can't neglect them to do the List. Plus tesco on line shopping and then and some work tonight.....
I really really really don't understand how women can like not having a career. Work is fascinating, enthusing, interesting, self defining, allows you to make an impact on the world in a way you can't even with your genetic footprint imposed on the offspring.

Xenia, I agree to a point especially with regard to women saying they are staying at home for the good of the children. They are not, they are staying at home because they want to. It is what they want to do.
But so what? If a woman wants to stay at home with her children, why not? An individual woman should not have to do something for the greater good of all women . Maybe women would benefit in the work place if all women worked full time, but most people don't make personal decisions based on a social conscience.

xenia,

after the first paragraph saying all women should work full time I couldn't be bothered reading the rest of your post

you're becoming a parody of yourself

but most people don't make personal decisions based on a social conscience.
which is a shame, isn't it? Gosh, I've never thought that there could be so many opinions regarding the choices one does regarding her/his life. I really envy women who have careers they love and find fascinating (regardless of the amount of money they make). I admire women who work because they have to. I admire women who actively choose to stay at home for how long they wish to. I understand why yellowrose chose to leave her job, just as much as I'd have understood had she chosen to go back to work.
Again, I don't think that being available for your children 24/7 makes one a perfect mother or a better mother than another. And I do believe that children can benefit from spending time with other persons, be them relatives or "paid strangers", like a good nanny or a nursery nurse.
As for the op, your husband has no kind of excuse for being so lazy. As pooka said, you should be a partnership.

Stigaloid, brilliant post, brilliantly expressed and I think you've really got to the heart of the matter the OP originally posted about, many centuries ago.

I will get to my list, don't worry. I'm sure lots of us do things for social conscience, good of the country etc reasons. It woud be appalling if all we were interested in were hearth and home like women who wear veils and do as they're told and whose sold interest is the house, children and their man. I was with someone yesterday who had done some pretty good work. She is from Morocco and they don't wear the veil etc there usually. She was invited by her Saudi client to the final closing and she got him to explain what would be involved - blacked car windows, put on the full veil, robes etc. Her central role in teh whole thing completely diminished. She refused to attend and they closed in a country where women are allowed to be equal with men. Stay at home mothers engrain inequality and damage the prospects of their daughters.. I'm going to have fun with the list. They shoudl be ashamed of themselves.

Women who denigrate the important role of nurturing and caring for your own children, should be ashamed of themselves.

I feel so ashamed.

Xenia, why don't you think about a hobby? maybe make an impact on the world by working in a charity shop.

I'm just surprised that X has so much time to contribute to this post, when she is clearly powerhousing the economy and hand-rearing a whole five-a-side team.

If I was supermum and a high-powered career woman to boot, I don't think I'd have time to argue the toss...

Anyway, back to the OP - the majority of posters reckon your husband is way out of order. Up to you what to do next, but all the best anyhow.

I am hoping to convert you all to full time work, a very worth cause, just as some parents who think it's better (rather than a psychologically neutral issue) for the babies to have the mother there when the children are under 5 or even over 5 may wish to do likewise. I'm glad we live in a country where we're free to express both views.

But the list will have to wait. Too much to do tonight.

xenia i dont understand how you can say it is best for all women to work full time as not doing so makes you inadequate? why is looking after ones own children less important than earning the money for those children to be looked after??

I haven't read all this thread but I reckon I'd get the prize, Xenia, for "Spending most hours with their children", with four kids aged from almost 32yrs down.

I cannot understand your desire to 'convert' people. I'm happy with my life yet I feel no need to convert anyone else to doing things my way. In fact your constant proselytising makes me think that 'the lady doth protest too much' as to the wonderosity of your life.

Ugh, I used the word 'kids', which I hate!

i work full time and although i love my job and its fulfilling, spending time with my children is by far the more fulfilling. (still love my job and wouldnt give it up though)

to each his own, if someone prefers to work full time thats great, or stay with kids, also great, as long as she is happy, because that is most important for raising happy kids

the fact that some men think their jobs are more fulfilling then raising kids, because their jobs bring in cash, is their loss

so did i...

'kids'..or even worse...'kidz'.....abhor them both too. 'children'...nice. respectful.

Ah in that case you will have spent more time with them....
I never said my life was wonderful. I enjoy my work and I love having a lot of children and being with them (as long as no more than 2 hours a day etc..).

The list... it's a bit late but here goes, fairly random. Probably at least 20 other reasons to. Reasons you benefit your children as a mother by working full time....

1. You are happier as you have a more balanced life.

1. You earn money and can help your children by that - poverty is one of the best indicators of failure in children and we all know how expensive children are; money does matter.

1. You aren't dependent on a man to leech off for cash. So if he disappears abroad and gives up work when he takes up with a blonde 20 year old your children don't turn round and blame you for plunging them into poverty and on state benefits as you earn a good salary and their lives continue.

1. You are a good example to daughters and sons that women's role in the world is as much to lead and play a full part in the economic life of the country as to wipe bottoms and clear up male detritus at home.

1. You do more for the country as a tax payer and a contributor to whatever work you do - as doctor or nurse helping people or whatever the work is.

1. Latest surveys shows children with some nursery experiences do better in school, socialise better and do better in life.

1. You avoid the child being dependent and clingy never able to leave mother's side suffering from separation anxieties and never able to be left with anyone.

1. You allow the child to be subject to other influences. You aren't a God. A s a mother you often get things wrong. Let the child be open to influences of many rather than indoctrination by you.

1. You get a break, variety and aren't in the unnatural state of 24/7 mothering often isolated and fed up, depressed and on tablets. Instead you're out in the world with other adults having sane adult conversations. You feel much better.

10. You're more likely to stay fit, dress better etc because you have to keep up the standards of the office so it's good for your self esteem than stuck at home covered in baby sick all day.

11. [ why did I say 20 I'm getting fed up with this list.....] Your husband helps more at home - there isn't that dreadful inequality and role division where woman equals cleaning up and service usually 7 days a week whilst he the male God gets out there and comes home to rest so you work 7 days a week at home and he barely 5. So you have a fairer more adult relationship with him rather than one of dependence and having to accept things you don't like because you're economically dependent on him - see 1950s housewife list.

12. As you dress better for work, have interesting experiences each day to talk about rather than how many poos Johnny did and what vaccuous mother scorned you at play group you may be more attractive to your husband.

13. Power balance in the relationship may be better - more equal rather than he holds all the cards. Your work is as well paid and appreciated as his.

14. Appreciation - although I love you mummy and adoring smiles are a lovely part all working and non working parents enjoy about having children, children don't go round patting you on the back. I get plaudits, applause, appreciation (as well as occasional abuse of course) in the course of work which is great and you don't get at home.

... how are we doing...

15. If you work you do what is natural as women always have worked. It is bizarre not to. If you work you continue the tradition of millennia of women working and keeping their children. It is the ancient and better way and links you with a tradition of women going back thousands of years.

16. Children appreciate you more. They see you as an interesting adult. Mine sometimes like to talk to friends about my work. They seem to like they might see a book I've written or whatever it might be. They have a pride in their parents' work nad it helps show them that women work, not that women stay at home and clean up mess.

17. You get the best of all worlds - money, status, equality in your relationship if you choose to have a relationship with a man (or woman) at all (some of us are single), and all those lovely hours with babies and children. A great balance of work and family life as most couples have.

18. You avoid the uber mothering syndrome where the children are the be all and end all of your life, the little emperors who think the world revolves around them, whom you serve. You know every detail of their lives to the extent they virtually have no privacy. As they get older you intrude into their lives when they would rather be casting you off but if you're home that means redundancy. Hard adjustment.

19. It is deadly boring to be a housewife with virtually no thanks and very little appreciation or status and no pay. If you are lucky whilst still married but not usually once he divorces you, your husband if you have one may appreciate your role is as important as his - he may stay this but he may well nto believe it. You do housework day after day - do it and redo it. Clean the floor. Redo it. How any intelligent woman can like most of the role is beyond me. Even playing with a baby palls after a few hours, deadly dull and so demanding. They cry and cry and need to be held. It's much better for your mentla health if you work and have a break from that and then return refreshed and happy to the baby.

20. It is morally wrong to be dependent on a man for money when you're a fully grown adult woman in 2007. I sit here looking at some people and I fell like I'm in the real world looking into cages of exhibits - Housewife Circa 2007. A temporary and dying breed or aberration.

Let the scales fall from your eyes and hot foot it down to the employment agency tomorrow. There is your route to long term happiness. You will thank me for this. Go forth and think on these things for I am right.

wow..am making a cup of tea and will swop the digestive for reading this opus.