Should my DH high salary exclude him from doing jobs at home

[Shout]

I am at stay at home home Mum with 2 DS my husband has quite an important job and his salary reflects it. Everytime he has to work weekends or evenings he says that is what I am being paid for.

My biggest grip is that he is getting lazier around the house, meal plates left at the table coke cans around the house, cuff links ties left out and gets more out,gets changed from work, suit and dirty washing left on bed for me to clear wet towels ,floor. The kids get 10 mins of play fighting then he watches his programs/or is on the computer.If he doesn't want to do anything he just ignores it or says its not a problem eg tyres are not flat, toilet isn't blocked!

When ever I get cross that he doesn't do his fair share he says in a jokey mannner but I get paid so much.
I asked him several times to make an appointment to discuss situation he kept avoiding it, I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt, it took him 3 days to get round to reading it and never responded.

I am back to comfort eating putting on weight and feeling crap about myself, hence all physical contact is virtually non exsistent.

Any advise out there?

Steinermum you say: "gumption thus far to combine a career and motherhood and don't particularly respect myself for that".

WHY ? You use the word "respect" - does a mother who sucessfully combines work and motherhood deserve any MORE respect than you or I for choosing to stay at home ?

Was my mother a failure for not having the opportunity to go to Oxbridge, work in the City AND raise 3 children ?

Don't MOST mothers in this country rather successfully combine motherhood with work any way ? It may be part-time or flexi-work in whatever sector, but it is still work. Some like me choose self-employment or running a business. Why does one have to work for a boss ?

These are all big questions for me.

Yellowrose - WHY can you not accept that she feels the way she does, because she is not you.

You feel the way you do because you are you - I feel the way I feel because I am me.

You cannot convince me to feel the same was as you do, because I am not you.

That is why all of these discussions are inherently pointless. Each and every one of us makes the choices (if we are in the luxurious position of having a choice) that we feel is right for us! It is pointless expecting someone else to make the same choice, or even necessarily to understand why it is the best choice in teh first place.

Amen, Soapy.

I accept that steiner feels the way she does. Did I say I wanted her to be like me ?

No, but IT ISN'T POINTLESS. Not for my son.

You'll have to explain to me why it isn't pointless to your son to try and chane Sm's views?

How on earth are her views affecting your DS is any way?

Yellow Rose :I was born in 1965 and saw the first generation of women who really did start having careers and children. I grew up assuming I would have a successful career. My own mum was at home till I was three then worked full-time as a teacher but NEVER felt on top of things. I didn't want that and instinctively I wanted to stay home with my children. Not a day has gone by though when I haven't felt slightly inadequate for choosing to do so. I'm sorry if that's sad, but that's how I feel. I've done voluntary work, small part-time jobs eg playgroup assistant, have given lots of support to working friends and have given loads of help at my children's school. For me it was a choice between being out of touch with the day to day business of my children's lives (as my husband often is) and having a fulfilling career OR being truly present in the home and forgoing any real status in the world. I chose the latter.

Soapbox - I have absolutely no desire to change steiner or any one else views ! I am just trying to talk about my views, do you mind ? It is a public discussion on the web.

But the pointless conmment was related to challenging other peopl's views. I don't get how that affects your DS at all.

Of course you can discuss the decisions you have taken - but it is not good form to challenge those taken by others. Either implicitly or explicitly.

I have no problem at all with you prefering to be the one wiping your DS's arse - and don;t expect anyone to have a problem that I might ask a stranger to do it for mine.

But what I do have issue with is you somehow inferring that only your choice is a valid one. It might be for you - but not for me!

And yes it is a public discussion on the web, which is why I can say what I wish too in the same way as you do!

Steiner "I'm sorry if that's sad" - no it isn't sad at all.

I have stayed home because the option of doing ALL things at the same time wasn't very attractive to dh and I or our son.

I wasn't questioning you and your choices steiner, I have made similar choices.

I am question why SOCIETY places so much pressure on women to be almighty performers of all things all at the same time ?

i am slightly upset for steiner, to feel inadequate that she does not work. you do the most important job in the world, you are raising the next generation, what should be given more respect than that??

And Soapbox, all we're doing here is what generations of men have done in the pub i.e. sit and put the world to rights - (although our discussions are, of course, cogent, lucid and sober). I enjoy pondering views different to my own and don't find the exercise at all pointless. Is a debate worthwhile only if we manage to make the other party agree with us?
Yellow Rose and Xenia will not be communing over the nappy-changing table any time soon but it's still healthy for us to hear their opinions.

soapbox - "it is not good form to challenge those [choices] taken by others"

Why not ? Who says what is or isn't good form ? I don't mind my choices being challenged, not at all. I will come back with a reply to any challange about my life.

Amen yellowrose, I hate the cult of superwoman.

Was just reading US Vogue, absolutely chock-a-block with female overachievers. The media has a lot to answer for in making women feel inadequate.

Yellow rose, how old is your son?

Well actually it turns out Xenia and I have some things in common. She breastfed all her children. I admire her for that and have said so publicly. I also admire the fact that she has "balls" if you excuse the expression

He will be 3 in June He is my beautiful angel !

Well, I think to challenge the choices taken by others makes one look like you are invalidating the other person's choices.

I don't think that is fair.

SM I wasn;t saying it was pointless to debate and discuss the issues but that it was pointless to expect to change someone elses choices as a result of those discussions.

Additionally, I am always wary of when someone says 'I feel x' saying no you shouldn;t feel x. Sometimes what we feel is not a choice

Xenia has one fantastic quality - ambition. And she has absolutely no hang-ups about her ambitions. She just has a few too many to manage simultaneously, and so she's rather overwrought. Totally understandable, I have real life flesh-and-blood friends like that.

The world is nowhere without ambition and I really have a hard time dealing with the unambitious.

But we don't all have the same ambitions, and I loathe the cult of superwoman that pressurises women into believing that they must be beautiful, married, have a starry career, several children, a huge house and lots of clothes and holidays before they can begin to relax and be happy.

That's funny yellow rose. I think society pressures women to stay home. We are criticised when we go back to work too soon after the birth, as it means we don't love our children. But, this same treatment would never be given to a father returning to work. Even my husbands tends to expect me to go running home when a chidcare crisis happens. With a bit of gentle reminding from me he does his share of time off.

For example, last night we were discussing the 3 days of holiday which nanny has requested between now and the time she leaves in June. He said it was all okay with him. No probs, happy as a clam. Then last night he suddenly realised that that meant he was expected to take holiday to cover some of those days. Yes dear, and why did you think we were discussing the hoidays with you? Yes, I take some days and you take some days or we both take all of the days. Silly man. Why did this not occur to him before I spelled it out?

Why is this? Because society (including my DH) just thinks children are women's work.

So, I don't really see that society pushes women into work, as it has been my experience that society pushes women out of work.

No, soapbox. Life isn't black and white, may be it is because I studied politics for too long, you can question everything, it puts it under the spotlight and disects it. Questions never invalidate the contrary point of view, they analyse it.

eleusis - society pressurises women into "doing it all". So whatever they are doing, they feel they are doing it wrong (and should be doing the other thing) because there aren't enough hours in the day to do it all simultaneously.

Cult of superwoman? Ehm, those women (those with high flying careeers, beautiful blond children and regualr shoppers at barneys) are actually a minority. Most of the women working full time need to be superwomen but they certainly don't feature in vogue usa. Most of these women actually NEED to work. Many also happen to love their job.
And this idea that mothers are necessarily the best 24/7 for their children doesn't convince me either. (and also that mother should be their best 24/7... because there is also the idea of mother as a performer)

amen again yellowrose