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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit off about what my dp said?

286 replies

Ricecrispies16 · 20/04/2017 23:25

There is some back story to this but far too much to list but...

Bit of background info - been with my partner for two years, we have an 8 month old baby together and then my 3yo from my previous relationship. His relationship with my daughter has been a bit rocky but just lately he's been putting in a bit more effort and it immediately shows. My daughter seems to like him a lot more and is enjoying his company a lot more.

The other day they were playing, my dd was rubbing his face in a playful way, got a bit heavy handed and just as I was reminding her to play gently he batted her arm away.l quite forcefully. Immediately I told him to be careful and to be more gentle. He went off on one saying that I expect him to allow her to smack him in the face. That's not true at all, which is why I reminded her to be gentle straight away.

This morning baby was playing with baby wipes (as they do!) my 3yo is learning about sharing with her sister at the moment but this morning decided baby shouldn't have the wipes and kept taking them away. This resulted in dp snatching them off her and giving them back to the baby. I told him not to snatch and to explain why he'd taken them off her. This left my dd in a bit of a grump and she went to the sofa. 5 minutes later I can hear them bickering (ridiculous, I know) so I came into the lounge and said what now?! He told me my dd had been telling him to leave the baby alone and to go away. He then said "I'm not Going to have anyone tell me to stop playing with my own daughter"

That one comment has stayed with me all day and I can't seem to shake it.

I did say at the time that dd isn't just any old someone, she's effectively his step child in the family unit. I don't expect him to call her his own but I really feel that that comment really draws a line between both of the children.

Plus she's three!!!

He then said he's sick of this shit. Shit meaning me having a word about things and disagreeing with his treatment of my dd. He says it's everyday but as her mum I'm never going to sit back and do nothing if I'm not happy with something I've seen or heard.

Aibu to think something is a bit off?

OP posts:
Foxysoxy01 · 21/04/2017 13:12

I think if you wish to stay with this man your DD should live full time with her father and you have part time contact.

It sounds like your partner wants that anyway, a way to get rid of your other kids and become a family unit with just his own biological child.

He will never like her or treat her as his own because she isn't and he is incapable of being a step parent. It takes a certain type of person to step parent effectively and he isn't it!

What's done is done but in hindsight things moved very quickly with him and TBH you couldn't possibly have known him well enough after 6 months to have moved him in with your children and be pregnant with his.

2014newme · 21/04/2017 13:16

When toddlers real dad finds out that op boyfriend is so mean to toddler that op doesn't trust him to be on of his own with her, will he persue full custody? he's bound to find out eventually. Or toddler will mention to someone that he "bats" her and it will become a child protection issue.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 21/04/2017 13:35

I'm trying to word this as kindly as possible, because believe me I get it, but do you trust anyone with dd1 OP? Although as I've said upthread, I think you should cut your losses with dd2's dad anyway. Relationships really shouldn't be difficult only two years in. They might take a bit of effort, but they shouldn't be hard work.

2014 - an adult batting away the hand of a child from their face is hardly a child protection issue ffs!

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 21/04/2017 13:36

Op would you consider chatting all this stuff through with a counsellor? I know that the more we come on here and criticise your dp the more you're going to want to defend him (like I say I've been in your shoes), but maybe someone impartial could help you see more clearly and realise what a healthy relationship looks like. It doesn't need to be too late for you and your dd. Because although I turned my life around, am happily single, and my younger kids are doing great, my relationship with my eldest (now adult) dd is strained at best. And believe me, that hurts.

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 21/04/2017 14:47

OP, I think AF has a point, your daughter might be better off living with her dad. You say they have a good relationship. And really, even if that doesn't happen now, at some point in the future it will because she will want to be somewhere she is loved and valued, not in a place where she is made to feel unwelcome.

FWIW, I do have some idea of the dynamics of step-families. I had a step-dad. The difference is mine worked very hard to build a strong bond with me, he was kind, supportive and caring. He had a hugely positive influence on my life. Your partner will also have an influence on your daughter, but it won't be positive, quite the opposite.

Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 21/04/2017 15:01

I've obviously not made it clear that I would never choose him over my daughter. Never in a million years and there is not a chance that she will be going to her dad full time.

I posted here to help gain some perspective, to check that I wasn't over reacting and see if I was blowing things out of proportion.

I have an answer now.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 21/04/2017 15:25

I've obviously not made it clear that I would never choose him over my daughter

You already are. And the sad thing is you just cant seem to see this.

Instasista · 21/04/2017 15:30

Batting away is nothing like child abuse. I maybe missed it but OP can you explain why it is you don't want her to be alone with him?

Instasista · 21/04/2017 15:31

Batting away is nothing like child abuse. I maybe missed it but OP can you explain why it is you don't want her to be alone with him?

ComputerUserNotTrained · 21/04/2017 15:32

Op, I think one person suggested that to make you think, others just as another way to have a go at you. Giving ops a kicking on AIBU gives some people a lot of enjoyment, bizarrely.

FWIW I think you might be overreacting to the way you partner is with dd1, but then again you might not. I do think the relationship between you and him sounds shit though and that your dds would be better off with him out of your home.

MrsCobain · 21/04/2017 15:34

I never say leave on these threads but I do think you should. For your daughter's sake.

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 21/04/2017 15:36

I didn't mention it to give the Op a kicking, I mentioned it because it is a very real possibility that will be what happens in the future.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 21/04/2017 15:41

Fair enough Saskia. I'm not sure everyone posting on this thread is trying to be helpful though.

Yukbuck · 21/04/2017 16:03

What he was like in the first 6 months doesn't really matter. What people are trying to explain is that 6 months isn't long enough to truly know what someone will be like. It won't change your situation op, as you already have another child with this man now. But I do think people are making valid point about not rushing in to having kids with someone you hardly know. So actually, I don't think people are being harsh, but are hopefully helping other people out who may be in a similar situation to say this is what could happen. I wouldn't want a child with someone I've only known 6 months even without another child in the mix.
I think you're only option now is to leave him and focus on your children. I think you need to put them first, especially the eldest.

justatoe1 · 21/04/2017 16:24

It is huge move to leave (it took me 12 years) but it is much better to do it sooner...if you stay, how will he be with DD2 when she begins to display typical toddler behaviour, what about teenage years when they really challenge him?
Read up on abusive personalities, get a support network in place, have your ducks in a row and I hope you can start a new life.

AnyFucker · 21/04/2017 16:34

Op's first description of what he did to the little girl's arm was "batted it away"

Subsequently, She posted that he "flung" it away

She doesn't trust him to be alone with the child

People who are assisting op in minimising this situation are part of the problem.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 21/04/2017 17:50

You're already choosing him, you did so when you got pregnant after just six months. Most people don't introduce their child to a new partner until at least six months much less turn them into a stepdad adding another child.

How can you have a great relationship with such a toy child that you say they had, she wouldn't have had a clue.

MrsCobain · 21/04/2017 18:04

What's done is done I don't see how telling op she fucked up is going to help at all.

We all make mistakes, get off her back and help make the future right.

NavyandWhite · 21/04/2017 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 21/04/2017 18:22

Rainbow - "How can you have a great relationship with such a toy child that you say they had, she wouldn't have had a clue." - I don't understand what you are saying there?

Unfortunately I think it's due to his age. Lack of maturity. And yes, I know I rushed in, that doesn't help me now. Doesn't make me a bad person either

OP posts:
skerrywind · 21/04/2017 18:38

And yes, I know I rushed in, that doesn't help me now.

Yes it does help you.

Because you know you acted irresponsibly, made a mistake which has led to a toxic family for your children.

Having that realisation does help you because know you are in a position to recognise that and do something about it.

It only makes you a bad person if you choose to raise your children in such a bad environment.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/04/2017 18:46

Hindsight really is a glorious thing Ricekrispies, which is of no use. I prefer the phrase "when we know better, we do better". So he's immature and doesn't know how to handle the situation. It sounds as if you know better now. He also needs to know better to do better. You fear for dd2 if he splits as his parents sound nasty and they will be a bad influence on her. It sounds like a very difficult situation. I think under these circumstances, I would like to try to salvage this relationship. But not at any cost. I think he needs guidance, which you are probably unable to give and he doesn't want to listen to in any case. I think the parenting classes, which have been mentioned could be a very good move. Would he do this? I think I'd be having a talk with him and explaining you can't go on like this. Either he needs a serious behaviour change with external help or the relationship is over. He has 3 weeks to decide or some such.

NotStoppedAllDay · 21/04/2017 18:51

So what's the plan now op?

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 21/04/2017 18:53

op what is your plan, now you know how toxic he is for your daughter?

SafeToCross · 21/04/2017 19:03

OP, if you do decide to stay with him, I think it would be very good for you to go on a parenting course together, as I think for him to get better it will need a bit of responsibility giving to him and you stepping back occasionally (but only if safe for the dc). If he wants to get better as a parent, which would be in dd2s interests even if you split up.

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