To feel a bit off about what my dp said?

[Ricecrispies16]

There is some back story to this but far too much to list but...

Bit of background info - been with my partner for two years, we have an 8 month old baby together and then my 3yo from my previous relationship. His relationship with my daughter has been a bit rocky but just lately he's been putting in a bit more effort and it immediately shows. My daughter seems to like him a lot more and is enjoying his company a lot more.

The other day they were playing, my dd was rubbing his face in a playful way, got a bit heavy handed and just as I was reminding her to play gently he batted her arm away.l quite forcefully. Immediately I told him to be careful and to be more gentle. He went off on one saying that I expect him to allow her to smack him in the face. That's not true at all, which is why I reminded her to be gentle straight away.

This morning baby was playing with baby wipes (as they do!) my 3yo is learning about sharing with her sister at the moment but this morning decided baby shouldn't have the wipes and kept taking them away. This resulted in dp snatching them off her and giving them back to the baby. I told him not to snatch and to explain why he'd taken them off her. This left my dd in a bit of a grump and she went to the sofa. 5 minutes later I can hear them bickering (ridiculous, I know) so I came into the lounge and said what now?! He told me my dd had been telling him to leave the baby alone and to go away. He then said "I'm not Going to have anyone tell me to stop playing with my own daughter"

That one comment has stayed with me all day and I can't seem to shake it.

I did say at the time that dd isn't just any old someone, she's effectively his step child in the family unit. I don't expect him to call her his own but I really feel that that comment really draws a line between both of the children.

Plus she's three!!!

He then said he's sick of this shit. Shit meaning me having a word about things and disagreeing with his treatment of my dd. He says it's everyday but as her mum I'm never going to sit back and do nothing if I'm not happy with something I've seen or heard.

Aibu to think something is a bit off?

Also I don't want this to sound like it's attacking you op, but I really think you should seek counselling as to why you would firstly, stay in a relationship with somebody who was "rocky" with your 1 and then 2 year old, and secondly decide to have a baby with that person. Working this out to help you chose better partners in future.

Oh OP

You've had several bad breakups in the course of a two year relationship.

He makes you feel bad about yourself.

He has a 'rocky' relationship with a toddler. He claims that it's just because of 'the way she is'. A toddler!

You can't leave him alone with your daughter because you don't like his parenting.

Have my first ever 'LTB'

Having a baby is still a choice, even if the pregnancy was unexpected

OP could have binned him off and had the baby anyway - I think she would still have been better off. Certainly her elder DD would have been by the sounds of it.

This is worrying. He clearly views her as capable of manipulation or having bad intentions, which at 3 just isn't possible. And he's known her since she was a baby, he should have developed some sort of protective feelings for her, if not fatherly.

^This. By saying "it's what she's like" he is putting your DD in the place of the scapegoat. Assigning blame to her. She is three years old^ FFS.

The op makes dreadful choices but perhaps she had a terrible upbringing herself.
Wish I could swoop in and take the poor kids somewhere where their needs would come first and they'd be properly cared for rather than emotionally abused by a string of different dad's
But tge op would probably just continue having more kids with more unsuitable partners. She needs to break the cycle completely but seems too selfish to do so. The need for a boyfriend, even a shit one, trumps the child's need fir a safe and caring home.

As pp's have said, so much has happened in all of your lives in such a short space of time. So, he may not be quite mature enough to handle it that well, but 2 under 2 is hard going in anyone's book.

You say you want him to love her...all well and good, but it feels like you are policing every interaction he has with her and with the best will in the world (not condoning hitting) but he has to be able to set boundaries with her to be able to do that, rather than you being there to tell her how to behave around him...all you are doing is undermining his position as a parent (which you theoretically want him to be).

Honestly, when my kids have been playing with me and kicked me in the face, i have batted their feet away and told them that they need to be more careful.... it's helping them understand self-awareness in a loving environment.

Bickering??? again, so subjective...when my 3 year old told me i couldn't sit on my chair because her doll was sitting on it, i had a discussion with her about it...someone loitering outside with ear pressed o the door looking for something to pick on could have called that bickering, but it's parenting.... children do need to learn that they don't always get to call the shots. And i would be quite happy to explain this by saying she doesn't get to tell me where i sit... it doesn't mean i don't love her or respect her determination or want her to be assertive, it's setting boundaries.

As for the people throwing in the inevitable assertions that he is controlling/abusive/scary, from what you've written, you sound the more controlling with your not having him on the lease and supervising his interactions with your dd and telling him off in front of her.... and it's telling that when you talk about leaving, it's all about you; "I would be anxious about him being at his parents, because they would be talking about me"

It is completely understandable that you are looking out for your DD, but it just seems like you are stifling everyone with your need to control according to your views. Maybe he feels that in your ardour to police his relarionship with your DD, your 6mo is losing out. In a time where you have a a threenager and a 6mo and a young relationship you perhaps need to allow a bit more time and patience for the relationship to develop naturally and unregulated by you through a mutual understanding and respect for boundaries....

If you can't trust him with your 3yr old how an earth do you think you'll trust him with your new baby. Its too late now but why have a second child. You don't agree with his parenting!

You partner has clearly never been around children and would maybe benefit from doing a parenting course.

I would also choose your battles. If he snatched the wipes then fine. let it go. if he snatched the wipes and was physical then no its not alright. Stop picking up on every minor detail he does because your 3 year old will end up playing you off each other.

You need to sit down and agree how your parenting is going to evolve for the better. Keeping your 3 year old away from your husband is not going to work.

Sounds like you need to make a big effort too.

Op if you allow this relationship to continue you do realise you're giving your 3yo daughter major psychological issues in the future don't you?

It sounds like he's not inclusive of her with the baby, he's short tempered with her and has already been inappropriately rough with her in your presence.

Major red flags there.

Posts like this anger me so much, why do women breed from random men willy nilly.

He's had almost 2 years to get to grips with parenting her. If he is attributing blame to a 3 y/o despite OP having had words with him about this in the past, and now prioritising his own child over his DSD, then I cannot think of anything less appropriate than continuing to let him 'parent' her. How many bites at the cherry do you give someone before deciding that enough is enough and it might be bad for the girl? Bearing in mind that this isn't an inanimate object we're talking about. It's a small child, with thoughts and feelings and who is going to suffer in the long term if her step-Dad is treating her badly. Does her happiness - and her future mental health - matter so little, over giving a grown adult multiple chances despite the fact he doesn't seem to care?

Agree with others that raising the folly of having a baby with someone you barely know - especially when you already have a child - can be helpful.

Dp and I both have children of our own, although they are much, much older. Very rarely one of us has handled a situation in a way that the other might not have done (him with mine, mine with his, mine with me, him with his!). It wouldn't cross our minds to bollock the other for it though - especially not in front of them! It's not about presenting a united front (I actually think that's overrated) - it's about respecting each other. I can also say with absolute honesty that I am grateful for the support he gives me when he offers a different perspective, and the same is the case the other way around.

I guess it's easier because both of us were already parents when we got together.

It might be that your dp is so shit that he doesn't deserve respect, in which case get the hell out. But I think most parents (step otherwise) would struggle with being told off in the way you appear to have told off your dp.

OP you are really good to start your post. sometimes talking through what you already know and feel to be right is good to help confirm things in your own head.

Please for the sake of your children and for you too, don't think you can't change things for the better now. You choose to make sure your property was in your own name, you were wise for a reason that was in your own head, you have been wisely trying to get him to see what he does isn't right. For the sake of all 3 of you not feeling bad because of 1 man do not let this pattern go on any further when it's harder the longer it continues. He could improve as he matures but you are not there for him to put down in the meantime. The more he feels he can be like this the more he will feel HE is doing the right thing. he is an adult and you need to be there growing healthy together not being put down.

Op I have a lot of sympathy for you because a lot of years ago I could have written your post.. And with the benefit of hindsight all I can say is please please please leave.. It took another couple of rounds of bad relationships and unfortunately a lot of damage to my eldest before I sorted myself out. It might be messy for a bit now, but I promise that is infinitely better than the alternative. Good luck

When I met him I'd come out of a horrible relationship. I left my ex because of how he treated our daughter. I did the right thing because by doing so she now has a fantastic relationship with her dad.

In the beginning my relationship with dp was a breath of fresh air, we made each other very happy, he was great with my daughter. Then I fell pregnant, we moved in together and my daughter approached the tantrum stage. It's since that point that these things began happening. So I didn't choose to have a baby with someone that didn't treat my first daughter right. I was trying to do the right thing.

2014 - my children's needs are being met. So I'm not rushing in and kicking him out, I am trying to sort things out in the hope that I don't have to cause any more massive upheaval for either child. And there is no string of different dads! You make out I'm going from man to man trying to find dads, it's ridiculous! You are wrong to think my intention is to keep having children with different dads, that's incredibly judgemental of you! I have no NEED for a boyfriend, I am trying to resolve my current issue. If I am unable to do so then he will be gone. That's is precisely because I DO put my children first.

But you have no new solutions, do you? You have tried and tried. He's simply too immature for the growing complexities of family life.

You said that he'll make life difficult for you if you kick him out... You're being controlled, love.

No you don't. Sorry but you just don't. Your boyfriend has a poor relationship with your daughter but you went ahead and moved in with him and had a baby with him. In no way whatsoever are you prioritising her needs. Poor kid.

You may find he treats DS2 in the same way when she becomes a toddler rather than a baby. Are you able to have a proper conversation with him about his behaviour/parenting? If not there's no hope. I do think both your DDs and you deserve far better but I also understand you wanting/hoping for a different outcome to the situation you've found yourself in. I think you know what you've got to do - it's just a case of getting your head around it and doing it.

Look Ricecrispies16 you are in this situation now with this man and have 2 options 1. is to leave him which you don't seem to keen on doing and the other is to try and improve the situation.

I personally would have grave concerns for your 3 year old being parented by a man that doesn't appear to really like her this will have a huge longterm impact on her self esteem and self worth and will severely effect your relationship with her because she will one day figure out that you brought this man into her life. Your dp does not seem to understand that a lot of the behaviour in your 3 year that you are describing is completely normal for her developmental age and therefore he is being grossly unfair with his treatment of her and expecting far too much from a 3 year old. Would he consider doing a parenting course? you could potentially do one together which may help you both work out in a safe space how to parent both of your children and ensure you are both coming from the same place?

I really don't think you can continue allowing him to treat your 3 year old as he is and I think for me it would be accept support, advice do a course or get out. Your daughters longterm happiness is worth more

They had a great relationship until 6 months in? 6 months in with a new relationship he really should have only just met her or met her a handful of times. Sorry but I agree with everyone else saying you've caused an unbearable completley damaging situation for your child by rushing head first into having a baby with a guy you barely know

What's important now is what you intend to do next. You can't have your tiny little daughter living with someone who dislikes her, is rough with her, can't be trusted alone with her and has you both walking on eggshells. You cannot let your baby go through life like this. So when are you getting rid of him? Who are you going to get to assist you if possible?

2014 - if I'm not prioritising her then why do you think I started this post? For the fun of it?

I just hope your 3 year old doesn't change and become someone who always is always seeking approval, always trying not to let you end up having to apologise on her behalf or his and with a step sibling who very eary on sees the differences in their status.

Good luck changing him... the adult.

I don't understand how you can want to resolve anything. This person has been physically abusive to your young daughter - batting her arm away - he has to be gone. She is living in a maelstrom of anger and resentment - you have said you have had bad break ups and he obviously has absolutely no parenting instinct for her. I can't imagine how you can let her live like this? Put her first. It will only get worse.

You arent prioritising her because instead of taking time to get over your first relationship you rushed immediately into another one and had another baby, despite knowing what he was like with your DD. You need to end it now and concentrate on your children, otherwise they are going to grow up sadly with major issues.

You started this post because you need help because your decision making is shot to shit.
You should never have moved in with this boyfriend when he had a poor relationship with your toddler. That's why you're putting her needs last.
She is living in a toxic environment of break ups between you and your crap boyfriend and being treated badly by him. Shame for the poor tot that you persist in the shitty choices you make, Meet someone, have a baby, shock he us no good with the baby, move out. Repeat. You've done it twice. You'll do it again because you can't break the cycle.