To feel a bit off about what my dp said?

[Ricecrispies16]

There is some back story to this but far too much to list but...

Bit of background info - been with my partner for two years, we have an 8 month old baby together and then my 3yo from my previous relationship. His relationship with my daughter has been a bit rocky but just lately he's been putting in a bit more effort and it immediately shows. My daughter seems to like him a lot more and is enjoying his company a lot more.

The other day they were playing, my dd was rubbing his face in a playful way, got a bit heavy handed and just as I was reminding her to play gently he batted her arm away.l quite forcefully. Immediately I told him to be careful and to be more gentle. He went off on one saying that I expect him to allow her to smack him in the face. That's not true at all, which is why I reminded her to be gentle straight away.

This morning baby was playing with baby wipes (as they do!) my 3yo is learning about sharing with her sister at the moment but this morning decided baby shouldn't have the wipes and kept taking them away. This resulted in dp snatching them off her and giving them back to the baby. I told him not to snatch and to explain why he'd taken them off her. This left my dd in a bit of a grump and she went to the sofa. 5 minutes later I can hear them bickering (ridiculous, I know) so I came into the lounge and said what now?! He told me my dd had been telling him to leave the baby alone and to go away. He then said "I'm not Going to have anyone tell me to stop playing with my own daughter"

That one comment has stayed with me all day and I can't seem to shake it.

I did say at the time that dd isn't just any old someone, she's effectively his step child in the family unit. I don't expect him to call her his own but I really feel that that comment really draws a line between both of the children.

Plus she's three!!!

He then said he's sick of this shit. Shit meaning me having a word about things and disagreeing with his treatment of my dd. He says it's everyday but as her mum I'm never going to sit back and do nothing if I'm not happy with something I've seen or heard.

Aibu to think something is a bit off?

MrsC "helping make the future right" involves understanding the past to stop the same pattern of behaviour repeating itself. It's what I do with people as part of my job to enable them to gain a better understanding of for example why they need to rush into a relationship one after the other, having children quickly, etc etc. That's not "telling someone theyve fucked up."....its stopping them making the same mistakes.

Did you not tell your daughter not to speak to your boyfriend like that? I notice there's no mention of you correcting her for disrespecting him? At 3yrs old, there's no reason not to calmly correct her?

Moany You have no right to reprimand someone for having a baby with someone too soon! How dare you?!?!?!

stilllost wow you expect a lot from a 3 year old - respect?! Is that what you are entitled to ?! - the OP has already said she reminded the toddler to be more gentle.

No she never mentioned telling her daughter not to tell her DP to stay away from the baby.

You know damn well what I meant!

Skerry thank you for kinds words earlier in post. Honestly just came to check thread still just as sad for the children

This second child may not of been planned. To assume she thought "fuck it lets have a kid" is ridiculous. She may have got caught and may not be able to go through a termination. Stop being so awful about it.

I feel your both at fault he has work to do as a parent but I think you havent really let him parent. You shouldnt be calling him out infront of your child. Take him to one side and talk.

I get the impression you make it clear to him he is not her farther and also that you dont think anyone can parent other then you. You wont trust any man in your life.

He clearly has work to do but so do you.

You had a child with a man you only knew for 6 months? Really? I would never, ever dream of jumping into a relationship when you have a child already as your priority. I think you need to cut your losses and if he argues over access to DD2 then take it to court - I'm sure they'll be really interested to know exactly how badly he's treating your 3 yo. With the right lawyer that can he classed as emotional abuse.

My DP had been in our lives since my son was 6. We also have 2 kids together he has always been so patient and understanding with him didn't treat him as his son as he had his own dad present in his life but was never ever like this. Sibling rivalry is totally normal Step parent to child rivalry is not. She is only 3 take her side every single time you're gut feeling is correct.

If I agree she's done something wrong then of course I correct her. Him saying he won't allow anyone to tell him if he can or can't play with his daughter is what got me but of course I explained to her after that he's only playing with her etc

She is besotted with her sister and quite often is very protective of her. That's why she was telling him to stop. Perhaps she was worried he was being rough (he wasn't), I remind her all the time to be gentle, so she's taken to telling everyone to be careful, be gentle etc. That's the only logic I have as to why she was telling him to leave her etc

This second child may not of been planned. To assume she thought "fuck it lets have a kid" is ridiculous. She may have got caught and may not be able to go through a termination.

No the second child may not have been planned.
I may have become pregnant buy a one night stand, it doesn't mean I would suddenly expect him to come and live with me and play daddy to my other child.

The OP has not gone into this situation without choice- and indeed she continues to choose to live in the toxic situation. That is certainly a choice.

OP perhaps your daughter is more astute than you realise.

She has the measure of your boyfriend- although you clearly haven't.

He's a pig and if you want your DD to have a chance at adulthood undamaged you would do well to get rid. Who does that to a three year old. My DH isn't the biological Dad of my first two, you wouldn't know by the way he treats them. He loves them like any other Dad. That's how it should be , he sounds a petty bully. It will only get worse if he's like this with a three year old hmm.

*My immediate instinct is always that I disagree with what's been said or done and go straight to thinking he's got to go. But then we talk and either I've jumped he gunna bit and agreed with him or he's brainwashing me.

I really feel like I'm in a hazed bubble ATM*

OP, I couldn't not comment on this. Even ignoring all the other stuff on this thread, this part just stood out to me so much and set off the most enormous great clanging bells in my head

You say your instinct is to feel one way, but then you talk and you end up doubting yourself. PLEASE don't be so quick to disregard that initial feeling. Your gut is clearly telling you something and it sounds like you keep pushing that down because he always has an answer for everything.

I don't mean to sound overly dramatic, but you'd be amazed what other people have been able to push down and justify to themselves if their partner is persuasive enough. I myself spent years fighting that instinct to just get the fuck out, because every time we spoke he would end up persuading me that it was all my fault, or that I was overreacting in some way.

Even the time he roughly shoved me into a door hard enough to leave bruises, or when he pushed me so that I fell on the floor. I'd be terrified and ready to leave, but then we'd talk and eventually I'd wind up agreeing that yes, it was my fault and I'd make an effort to do something different in future to avoid letting that situation happen again.

Now, you are not me and your situation is not my situation. I know that. But please just remember this: if you don't want to be with him, you don't have to be. If you want to leave, you can. You do not have to present him with a case for you leaving, with which he has to agree or disagree. You do not have to persuade him (or indeed anyone else) that the way you feel is the 'correct' view of the situation.

Listen to your instinct. Don't push it down and don't let someone else tell you what you can or can't feel.

If he's going to do his talking his way out of it thing then I would wrote down the things you can recall that are off and not great parenting etc just to remind yourself. If you can remember how he turned it round on you too then right that down too. Read it. Look at it logically as to why it's not the way he sees it.

Middle class that is a good idea. I need to get some things in place before I can just throw him out. I'm certain he will continue to behave like this though so if anything it'll only make the urge stronger. It's ridiculous, I feel so guilty for thinking all these things behind his back.

Someone mentioned that if we split then we can go to court for access arrangements and that emotional abuse of my daughter will work in my favour. (That looks and sounds fucking awful written down ) would I need evidence?

Six years isn't a big age gap when you are older, but in your twenties it can be a huge gulf. Even more so if one person has had a child, and so has grown up more quickly. Your partner is at most 23. That is very young to be a stepfather and father. He does sound immature, but you don't have the time to wait for him to grow up a bit, as your older Dd will be paying the price. He sounds resentful of her, and doing the maths, this started when you got pregnant again? Not good.
Your Dd is being a normal 3 year old. Actually she sounds less jealous than many toddlers with a new sibling. She sounds desparate to be loved by him. Again not good.
If her Dad was treating her badly , how has this changed? Is it that he couldn't cope with being a full time parent? If so then pps do really have a point that you have a pattern of having babies with men too young/immature/selfish to be fathers. That needs thinking about as you move forward. I don't see that there is any other option here other than to split up with your partner. You cannot bring up two infants with a man who you wouldn't trust alone with one of them.

Yes, Rice you would need evidence. And although "emotional abuse" has been mentioned by a PP, I'm not sure that your DP is emotionally abusing your DD1, certainly not from what's written on here.

Ditto Women's Aid. I'm not sure if they'd help you or not, but it can't do you any harm to ring them and have a chat. Ditto an appointment with CAB.

I very much noted Frieda's comment, and urge you to go back 2 or 3 posts to re-read it... she's right. You don't have to be right or wrong to ask him to leave - you can just do that.

Personally I'd recommend what only a couple of posters have suggested before you go with the LTB majority.... See if he's open to parenting courses/reading a book or two. Make it very clear that things need to change long-term (which may include changes to your behaviour too) before you pack his bags.
If that doesn't work, then I'd go with what the majority of posters are saying and tell him to go; but I do think it's worth really trying to improve things first. Partly because he is so young. If he REALLY understands what he might be about to lose and why, might he not step up and make those changes? If not, then - ok - he's a prick that you and your children are better off without.

Maybe show him this thread, and let him see the HUGE majority who think he's damaging your kid. Is he willing to really try and do better? If so, then he deserves a chance. Everyone deserves a chance. But he needs to understand that he's on thin, thin ice, so he needs to make serious changes (such as attending a parenting course) PDQ. And if not, then you certainly have your answer.

and p.s. I actually DON'T think it's helpful for an OP to read she should never had had a baby. She can hardly post it back up! The baby's here. I do get what so many of you are saying about how she needs not to repeat that in the future, but it doesn't help her today, does it!

Yes it does need to help today. IF people can't see it then it's no skin off my nose. All this "go easy on OP babies here" rhetoric doesn't help either. I will never understand women who bleat about how much their children mean to them yet prioritise a relationship with a man over their childrens emotional welfare.

OP, you say you are ' feeling guilty thinking these things behind his back' . How can you not be feeling guilty for the sadness and unhappiness which your 3 yo daughter is feeling?
You say you are still only in your twenties, but you've now got two children by two different men where the relationships have failed, one very quickly after the other.
You do know birth control is very widely and freely available in this country? If you can't help making bad choices in your personal relationships at least you could ensure that no other children are born to repeat the cycle all over again?
The thread seems to be split between people feeling more sorry for you and those feeling sorry for your children.

I am in the latter group, obviously.
There seems no sense of intent or purpose in your replies of trying to fix this situation for your daughter. Your 'relationship' sounds like it has been a car crash from the beginning. I feel so sorry for your children.

One in a million - I am not the first to have two children by two different men. Nobody goes into a relationship knowing it will pan out. I don't have to explain myself but as I have mentioned already, I was with my ex for years before we had a baby. How was I to know that he wouldn't cope when the baby was born? And when I conceived my second child, who would not want to at least TRY to make a go of things for the sake of the baby? It's hardly a string of bad relationships and babies is it! Funnily enough, I am aware that contraception exists, do you think I've gone the last 8 months since my baby was born just hoping not to fall pregnant? No, I've took steps to make sure I don't. I'm not daft.

What part of all this makes you feel sorry for my children?

I assure you there is no need, I got rid of the last bastard for her, I'll do the same with this one.

Good. That is exactly the kind of fire and assurance you need to fix or end this situation, whichever becomes necessary.

I've had a relationship with a man about that much younger than me (I was 26 to his 20). It made the dynamic really unbalanced. He wanted more time to learn at his own pace, would constantly hold may age up like I was being unnecessarily controlling. But when I was his age I had been out of home for 5 years, had been taking care of myself and paying bills, not pussyfooting around being a very young child.
He needs to grow up, and if he's not going to do that if he's manipulating your emotions in a relationship. It'll be a toxic spiral. It's a fucking hard place to be.
I hope you can work it out, but you need to be completely assured of your truth and what he needs to do. If you back off everytime he won't change, and eventually you will leave anyway.
Be the haughty woman of the previous post, with-in and with-out of the relationship. You got this.

may have become pregnant buy a one night stand, it doesn't mean I would suddenly expect him to come and live with me and play daddy to my other child

But it want a one night stand it was her partner. She moved in with him to try and create a stable family for her second child. I would do the same if I found myself in that situation.
Iv been with my dp for years and I got pregnant with my first after 3 months. Sometimes things happen and as op said she fell pregnant quick, things seemed to be okay between him and her dd so she tried to make the most of a situation.
I think its a natural thought process to think "we should move in together" if having a baby and both wanting the relationship to work.
Perhaps now op would think different seems as she has had this experience.

Secondly

Youve all decided this guy is a pig without really knowing the ins and outs. Has this guy felt stomped down by op every time hes tried to act like a parent? Has he also been given there is a clear divide because shes never willing to leave them alone together? Is op getting involved in everything really helpful as dp feels hes not able to parent and dd thinks she only has to listen to mum?
Maybe dp really wanted to be a parent to dd but op has cut him off at every turn?

Dp is lazy? What is it he is lazy with? Does he help around the house when not in work? Does he not work? Does he leave the toilet seat up and not wipe the seat after? Does he not change nappies? Or does he not do night feeds? "A bit lazy" doesnt tell me hes a pig just makes me think of someone I have to ask twice to do something.
Immature I have no arguments he does sound immature but hes a 20 odd year okd learning to be a parent. Hes doing the best he can perhaps cut the guy a little slack.

"My daughter" comment. But she is his daughter. Your dd is his step daughter. Would you be furious if he said "no one is telling me not to play with my step daughter" you cant expect him to see her as his daughter . And saying shes not is just a matter of fact. He should however not be saying such things in front of the children.

If your looking for an excuse to leave you dont need one. Now given the information given which will no doubt be one sided and selective as im sure if dp was to post about this situation it would be totally different. I get the impression you have no intention to leave him which means things really are not all that bad or you dont really care about your kids because if I was adamant something was unfair to my children or wrongly done to them id of packed and left already.

Lastly if there is violence or abuse.of any kind please seek help and get you and your girls safe