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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU? Or is my DH?

388 replies

user1492637408 · 19/04/2017 22:56

I am not sure if I'm being precious here so please do tell me Confused

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 2, all good, the usual. Nothing to worry about - I would say we were really happy, we have no DC and no plans to, we're just enjoying our lives together. But in the last 6 months he has just thrown the rule book of our entire relationship out of the window. We have always done things a certain way - or more specifically, I take care of things, which I am happy to do so it's not like I've complained!

For example I like to meal plan (I am coeliac so have to be careful) so every Sunday I make all our meals for the week, put them in Tupperware and label them so we know what we are having... I don't make them repetitive or boring thanks to Pinterest and it saves us cooking all the time/spending loads of money on takeaways. This has always been the case and he used to be appreciative of it but recently it's like he is trying to test the waters and saying he wants to cook or get takeaway all the time, even though he knows I have spent hours prepping balanced meals for the week. I wouldn't mind but he could burn cereal! And when I asked him about it he just said he wanted some variety...? I tried to explain I make a very varied selection of food and if he wanted something specific just to ask me and he just huffed and puffed like I was being inconvenient Hmm

There are lots of other examples (moving where we keep the spare keys, from the designated spare key pot I have, to a random shelf - why?, purposely bringing up issues like having a pet (he knows I don't want animals in the house, full stop, we decided years ago so why is it an issue now), he even pulled all of his summer clothes out of storage boxes the other day and started trying to wedge them into into drawers because he decided it was time for them - when again, he knows that every year I get the winter stuff washed and vacuum sealed up and into the storage boxes around springtime and get our spring wardrobes out?). I know it might sound as though he's trying to be helpful but honestly it feels like he's just doing it to wind me up - I do a lot and again, I'm not complaining, I like things a certain way! But when I ask him why he's done something he just goes all vague and hasn't got a reason which to me suggests it's just done to make a point and he doesn't want to say what that is?! Confused

Please help me decipher him because I am getting sick of feeling like he's rebelling against our routine and I have no idea why

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 20/04/2017 08:13

As has already been said, I doubt the DH can even articulate why he's doing things differently.

I mean, 'it's too warm for winter clothes today' is easy enough to say, but the OP clearly doesn't Get It at all. Why...?

God, the beauty of being child-free, surely, as that you can do what the fuck you want, when you want, responsibility-free. Confused

Not live like this.

mydietstartsmonday · 20/04/2017 08:13

I personally feel he is tired of you and your marriage and is looking for ways to beak out.
You do sound like hard work and very controlling. I think you need to take a step back and ask what you want from this marriage. You are both young where is the spontaneous behavior.
You have everything compartmentised it must seem a bit mundane and boring for him and he might be thinking is this it, is this his life for ever.

Bluntness100 · 20/04/2017 08:14

now decided to make a change then he should discuss it with you rather than making confusing changes e.g. the clothes and you need to be open to discussion (which it sounds like you are

In what planet is getting uour summer clothes out a confusing change that needs to be discussed in advance? Shock

He's an adult, why would any adult need their partner to be "open to discussing" something as mundane as wanting to get your shorts out because it's hot.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/04/2017 08:15

Plus if you did ever decide to have a child, you do know that following rules isn't something most of them are good at?

miwelaisjacydo · 20/04/2017 08:15

You sound barking mad OP.

picklemepopcorn · 20/04/2017 08:15

OP, you're being jumped on a bit. Try it from this point of view: My DH is a lovely man, but very 'set in his ways'. It took me a long time to bring him round to the idea of take aways, or eating out, and even longer for him to accept it as a spontaneous, same night thing.

He is very intelligent, and a planner, so I often get left out of arrangements as it's all done before I get a look in. The Christmas shopping, all the children's toys, all bought without discussion in September. "It's ok, I've done it, I saw a good deal!"

He does it all very well, but without me. It's lonely. There is no excitement. He doesn't like surprises. Because he is clever and sensible, etc, he is usually right about everything. That doesn't mean it is ok, though. We all like to be involved, to have some input. Some of us like variety and surprise and spontenaity.

That might be a bit much for you at first, but you could have an 'unplanned' night if the week. One evening when you will come home and then decide what to do, where to go, what to eat. It may just give him enough excitement to tide him over to next week! You may get used to the idea of not always needing to plan things to the nth degree.

Good luck!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/04/2017 08:16

Also Shock at the idea of it being 'confusing' for a man to get his own clothes out Confused

Do you freeze the food OP? Because I wouldn't eat week old food

Wando1986 · 20/04/2017 08:17

OP you sound a total delight. Grin

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/04/2017 08:17

And it's disturbing that some posters think the OP is reasonable Sad

usernumbernine · 20/04/2017 08:19

How do you decide what is a winter or summer t-shirt? Sometimes I wear t-shirts in the winter under a jumper. DS wears board shorts all year.

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/04/2017 08:20

decided to make a change then he should discuss it with you rather than making confusing changes e.g. the clothes

Come on, this is silly.

We're talking about an adult wanting to wear clothes appropriate to the temperature outside.

Do you seriously discuss the other person's clothes choices each day...?

ineedwine99 · 20/04/2017 08:22

I would carry on doing your bulk meals but let him sort himself out, would be a good chance for him to learn to cook. Also, let him do as he pleases re the clothes, they are his.

SecretNortherner · 20/04/2017 08:23

If he wants to grab a takeaway or eat something different let him. Eating a restrictive diet when you don't need to is tough. You can still eat your meals as planned but let him play about in the kitchen. If he wants to eat his Frosties burnt let him.
He's a grown man, if he wants to get his shorts out let him.
You sound like your controlling him (regardless of if that was your plan).

HSMMaCM · 20/04/2017 08:29

Op although I agree with most of the comments, I know it can be hard. I am a very routine driven person. My routine isn't as strict as yours which sounds great to me but if dh wanted a takeaway instead of a planned meal, I'd take a deep breath and say "that's fine we'll have this meal tomorrow/put it in the freezer" or whatever.

Is the summer winter wardrobe a space issue? We wear all the same clothes year, with or without jumpers. Dh wears his shorts in the snow!

Moving the spare keys would be a big trigger for me Grin. I NEED to know they're in the right place, in case of an emergency.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/04/2017 08:29

He is telling her though isn't he? He's told he he wants to break the dinner handcuffs routine. And he wants to wear the clothes he wants to wear. He's told her. He's shown her. Even he might not have had the thought "my wife is controlling me, I want to kick back". He may not be able to or ready to articulate those thoughts. Maybe he's nervous of the reaction? But he is showing her that he wants some control over his own life.

Original poster
user1492637408 · 20/04/2017 08:30

Well I asked for opinions and I got them... thanks everyone (well, most of you!). Lots to think about - I think I will speak to him tonight and see what comes out of it.

OP posts:
Lolly49 · 20/04/2017 08:30

To be fair I think you are lucky he hasn't died of boredom .How awful for him that he is not even allowed his own clothes till you tell him.
Loosen up a bit or you will lose him.

usernumbernine · 20/04/2017 08:31

I hate having to be the one that meal plans and thinks of what to cook and I would love someone else to do it sometimes (boyfriend but he doesn't live with me and through the week it's all me planning and thinking of what to eat for me and kids and by fuck it is dull)

SheSaidHeSaid · 20/04/2017 08:34

I love a routine and everything having its place but this is next level.

Sadly I'm not surprised he's trying to break routine and change things, it'd even drive me mad!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/04/2017 08:41

OP I don't imagine that he will find it comfortable to talk to you about it - intentionally or not you are suffocating him. Who has a date when the summer clothes can come out who has a summer and winter wardrobe anyway

You speak about him like he's a toddler - worth remembering that we only have your side, which presumably you have presented as positively as possible - so if people think you are unreasonable based on that, it's no good getting arsey about 'unhelpful' replies.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/04/2017 08:43

You may not intend to but you are infantilising him and treating him like he can't be trusted to do stuff - imagine if he did that to you

Cuppaoftea · 20/04/2017 08:43

Op if you're still reading please ignore some of the appalling comments on this thread regarding the meals you prepare. It sounds like you manage your Coeliac disease well and have a healthy attitude towards it, not lamenting the restrictions it places on you but instead spending time looking up and cooking from scratch varied recipes.

I can understand why you would feel nervous about your DH cooking for you. He can choose to cook for himself or order a takeaway of course but you have to be more careful. Has he ever seen you ill due to your Coeliac, does he fully understand how bad the symptoms can be if you eat the wrong thing?

Roussette · 20/04/2017 08:44

I'd be careful how you word it with him. "I will speak to him tonight" sounds a tad confrontational TBH

I would start off differently... text him saying "sod the vegetable chilli in the freezer, let's get a takeaway instead, what do you fancy?"

Mulberry72 · 20/04/2017 08:48

You sound absolutely bonkers OP!

You'd have kittens if you lived in my house, winter clothes mixed with summer clothes, no idea what we're having for tea from one day to the next, spare keys here there and everywhere!

You need to unclench before he runs for the hills!

thesunwillout · 20/04/2017 08:49

I think you need to get your flip flops on. Live a little.

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