AIBU? Or is my DH?

[user1492637408]

I am not sure if I'm being precious here so please do tell me

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 2, all good, the usual. Nothing to worry about - I would say we were really happy, we have no DC and no plans to, we're just enjoying our lives together. But in the last 6 months he has just thrown the rule book of our entire relationship out of the window. We have always done things a certain way - or more specifically, I take care of things, which I am happy to do so it's not like I've complained!

For example I like to meal plan (I am coeliac so have to be careful) so every Sunday I make all our meals for the week, put them in Tupperware and label them so we know what we are having... I don't make them repetitive or boring thanks to Pinterest and it saves us cooking all the time/spending loads of money on takeaways. This has always been the case and he used to be appreciative of it but recently it's like he is trying to test the waters and saying he wants to cook or get takeaway all the time, even though he knows I have spent hours prepping balanced meals for the week. I wouldn't mind but he could burn cereal! And when I asked him about it he just said he wanted some variety...? I tried to explain I make a very varied selection of food and if he wanted something specific just to ask me and he just huffed and puffed like I was being inconvenient

There are lots of other examples (moving where we keep the spare keys, from the designated spare key pot I have, to a random shelf - why?, purposely bringing up issues like having a pet (he knows I don't want animals in the house, full stop, we decided years ago so why is it an issue now), he even pulled all of his summer clothes out of storage boxes the other day and started trying to wedge them into into drawers because he decided it was time for them - when again, he knows that every year I get the winter stuff washed and vacuum sealed up and into the storage boxes around springtime and get our spring wardrobes out?). I know it might sound as though he's trying to be helpful but honestly it feels like he's just doing it to wind me up - I do a lot and again, I'm not complaining, I like things a certain way! But when I ask him why he's done something he just goes all vague and hasn't got a reason which to me suggests it's just done to make a point and he doesn't want to say what that is?!

Please help me decipher him because I am getting sick of feeling like he's rebelling against our routine and I have no idea why

he knows that every year I get the winter stuff washed and vacuum sealed up and into the storage boxes around springtime and get our spring wardrobes out?).

Sweet Jesus. I haven't rtft yet but this has made me feel like an utter slob. I thought everyone just shoved winter stuff into the back of the wardrobe like me.

Are you my mother?

Yes, get the flip flops out tomorrow op

Friday! https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/24d74baf-83da-491b-8923-8341f48a6476

You sound very set in your ways. Maybe he feels a bit hemmed in and doesn't want to abide by your rules any more? You sound very organised (controlling?). Do you do anything spontaneous? How old are you?

Poor DH. He's gone along with being controlled all this time and is now starting to rebel and you are doing what all controlling people do which is to blame the victim.

I give for marriage another year tops unless you learn to stop tying your DH up in petty rules and regulations.

Cuppa nope. I, and several others on the thread are coeliac and have also pointed out the meal planning is batshit. If OP thinks food needs to be militarised to that extent then she really doesn't understand the condition well at all.

Oh and 'rebelling' is something that children do - more infantilising language.

And nothing wrong with OP preparing her own food (although week old food is manly) but don't drag DH into the 'rules'

And to be absolutely fair, the DH has enabled these rigid routines to be firmly set and ingrained in for years and shouldn't just started putting spanners in the works with no explanation.

If OP has rigid routines because of certain issues, then a sudden change can be a tad difficult if this is the case.

Keep us updated OP.

Fenella Nothing militarised about cooking different and varied recipes each week. She's not making the same meals all the time.

So, you never have freshly cooked food? It's all pre-prepared and frozen? Surely that means there's a whole host of types of food you never eat, because they would be revolting reheated? Tbh, I'm amazed he's said nothing for so long - your life sounds a bit robotic, lacking in any spontaneity and thus suffocating. How do you cope in general with unpredictability? Are you sure it is sensible to take no interest in the financial side of your relationship and for him to take no interest in what clothes he has in his drawers and what he eats?!

If there are financial reasons for 24/7 meal planning and a takeaway is too costly, then i get it but if it's only because you've always done it then YABU.
He seems to have grown as a person and that person likes pets now and is no longer happy to be micromanaged. You'll need to thrash it out (as you are going to do) before the resentmnets builds up even more on his part on both sides.

I've just moved into my DP's parents house (they've kindly let us stay whilst we save for a deposit) and I am also probably feeling a bit like your DH.

Everything they are doing is to be helpful, not controlling or anything else. DP's dad was made redundant a while back and is not back in regular employment yet so he cooks every week day. I am trying to lose weight and sometimes his amazing cheese and potato pie makes me want to cry but if I suggest I make my own meal they do get a bit touchy saying I'm wasting money on food which I should be saving. I've lived on my own (with friends at uni but no parents) since 18 so making no decisions on what I eat in the evenings is a struggle.

Maybe he is struggling with not being able to make decisions for himself.

I have skimmed the thread. I feel a little sympathy for the OP, as it sounds like this has come out of the blue for her - she thought her DH was fine with their life but it appears that he isn't. If he hasn't actually said 'FFS woman LET ME GET A TAKEAWAY' before then how was she meant to know how unhappy he was?

However, that doesn't change the fact that now the problem is out in the open and OP/her DH clearly need to make some changes, because it's not working for him. I get how it's very annoying that he doesn't seem to be articulating his thoughts very well, but the OP needs to be patient with that and keep digging for answers if she wants them BOTH to be happy.

Good luck OP - your life would be way too structured for me but it clearly suits you (and, up 'til now, it doesn't sound like your DH was sufficiently bothered to make any changes to it).

I'm not sure why people are using the phrase parent and child or infantilising, I'm a mother as many of us on here are and I have never attempted to control my daughter like this. This is more like master and servant. Prison guard and prisoner. When you have absolutely no control over what you eat, what you wear, where you put stuff in your day to day life.

Possibly the way he is being forced to live seemed good at first, so sorted and organised, but over time the resentment has built up and the cracks are now starting to show now the honeymoon period has worn off and reality is setting in.

Go out for dinner tonight op. Discuss how to put some flexibility back into the relationship, otherwise it's going to blow apart at some point.

I'd also maybe look at some councilling, maybe there is some form of OCD or something here which means you personally need to live so rigidly and some therapy may help you loosen the reins a little.

Ps do you have a problem with mess and things being out of place? The whole no pets thing just sounds a teensy bit like you either like things sterile and controlled, or alternatively find hoovering and cleaning tiresome, so wouldn't want the extra work pets bring. Somehow, I seriously doubt it's the latter if you wash and vacuum pack your entire winter wardrobe in the Spring!

Livia Nothing wrong with heating up something from the freezer on a Friday that was freshly prepared the previous Sunday. It'll be a lot fresher than a lot of the ready meals from the Supermarket.

cuppa OP is dictating up to 6 days in advance with no flexibility at all what her DH is allowed to eat. How is that not militarised?!

Shove him in a vacuum pack bag and force feed him what you want, bonus is you'll have to carry him everywhere which should eliminate the need for keys, two birds one stone eh!

Anyone fancy reheated steak, chips and salad? Or reheated Dover Sole?

Yummy - reheated jacket potato...

Wow just wow

I thought DM was somewhat controlling but OP ,, You get the Gold .

Fenella I've suggested he cooks for himself buys takeaways/ready meals far less healthy and fresh than the Op cooks. His choice.

I meal plan for the week when doing my weekly food shop for my family of six. Not militarised, just on a budget.

cuppa I was addressing the OP's militarised meal planning, not how you feed your family - not too sure what you are on about? I never said all meal planning was bad - I do it myself - I said that OP's sad and dictatorial stash of rigidly implemented Tupperware is unhealthy. Which it is.