AIBU? Or is my DH?

[user1492637408]

I am not sure if I'm being precious here so please do tell me

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 2, all good, the usual. Nothing to worry about - I would say we were really happy, we have no DC and no plans to, we're just enjoying our lives together. But in the last 6 months he has just thrown the rule book of our entire relationship out of the window. We have always done things a certain way - or more specifically, I take care of things, which I am happy to do so it's not like I've complained!

For example I like to meal plan (I am coeliac so have to be careful) so every Sunday I make all our meals for the week, put them in Tupperware and label them so we know what we are having... I don't make them repetitive or boring thanks to Pinterest and it saves us cooking all the time/spending loads of money on takeaways. This has always been the case and he used to be appreciative of it but recently it's like he is trying to test the waters and saying he wants to cook or get takeaway all the time, even though he knows I have spent hours prepping balanced meals for the week. I wouldn't mind but he could burn cereal! And when I asked him about it he just said he wanted some variety...? I tried to explain I make a very varied selection of food and if he wanted something specific just to ask me and he just huffed and puffed like I was being inconvenient

There are lots of other examples (moving where we keep the spare keys, from the designated spare key pot I have, to a random shelf - why?, purposely bringing up issues like having a pet (he knows I don't want animals in the house, full stop, we decided years ago so why is it an issue now), he even pulled all of his summer clothes out of storage boxes the other day and started trying to wedge them into into drawers because he decided it was time for them - when again, he knows that every year I get the winter stuff washed and vacuum sealed up and into the storage boxes around springtime and get our spring wardrobes out?). I know it might sound as though he's trying to be helpful but honestly it feels like he's just doing it to wind me up - I do a lot and again, I'm not complaining, I like things a certain way! But when I ask him why he's done something he just goes all vague and hasn't got a reason which to me suggests it's just done to make a point and he doesn't want to say what that is?!

Please help me decipher him because I am getting sick of feeling like he's rebelling against our routine and I have no idea why

I've just read this thread like this

There are no words!

Unclench OP, for goodness sake!

Lalunya'

You can't really compare moving keys too changing the direct debit date.

Moving the keys won't land you with a letter saying you owe somebody money.

And when does the decision of keys being placed somewhere come under the category of "domestic" which is your job.

And as you said he deals with finances, doesn't that mean he could go out and slob on a load of fast food and you can't say anything? Because following your logic, you deal with domestic (keys,clothes,cooking in the house etc) He deals with money and bills.

I can't get past the Week's meals in Tupperware. Don't you ever have anything baked, or grilled or fried? With some texture? Crunch? It sounds so joyless.

Joyless is a word I think you should think about. Because everything sounds so joyless. What about "fuck it let's have a takeaway tonight" or "fancy a pint? We can grab something in the pub". Or I really fancy crisps and cheese for dinner tonight.

And that's just the food!

I agree that your DH is pushing back against your rules (because they are yours aren't they?) as would I in his position. He's a grown man. Not a child.

Gosh!

I'm not going to repeat what others have said on here, but if it is possible, you do have to put yourself in his position. This routine would grind any sane human down!

"Oh, it's Tuesday, that means it's veg chilli. Tomorrow is fish pie... "

It is so so boring to live like this. Everyone needs a bit of spontaneity in their lives to shake things up! Sorry but your DH must feel likes he's in a boarding school but he can't do his own thing when he's 16, he's there forever!

I could well be a tad controlling but the difference is.. I know my DH for instance doesn't enjoy cooking but I still every now and again consult him to see if he's changed his mind and does want to cook. Plus some days we both have to scratch around finding something to eat and that doesn't matter!

Stop the tupperware nonsense, stop the vacuum bag summer and winter nonsense. Loosen up and see what happens. The thing is OP, this is so oppressive that one day you might come home to a note on the table saying he's left you. Sorry, that sounds horrible but I do know someone this happened to. Wife (my ex boss) was so so controlling and it was 'her way, or no way', she came home and her DH had buggered off with a note on the table because he couldn't stand it any more. He's now become a free spirit!

The little things your DH is doing (keys, putting on shorts, wanting to cook) is a message to you. Take note.

Not sure if you are super organised or a control freak. I also wonder how on earth you can cook meals for a whole week, are they then frozen? Does he have to eat gluten free all the time, let him have a takeaway if he wants. Are kids on the menu some time in the future. People do change. My first H was a control freak (tried to kill me) second spontainious to a T would suddenly announce to kids we are going on a picnic, I would say there was nothing to take, he would look in the fridge, magic up this amazing picnic, my kids loved it, there was nothing special or posh. Few years down the line he tells me he would like a food plan menu, and would be happy to eat say shepherds pie every Monday, etc. I dont eat meat, he is a sarf Londoner meat, I would say 2 veg, but it would be spuds, I find it a challenge to cook something different, he doesnt like the same stuff as me. If he wants a roast, we invite kids and grandkids round, cos I havent found a joint small enough for 1, and he hates cold cuts!

With things like moving the location of the spare keys, I would find that frustrating. However, with regards to your meals, you are rather controlling and a bit OCD.

He might want to learn how to cook and even though certain routines are established at a point in a relationship, that doesn't mean they will stay like that for ever more. You may feel you prepare varied meals, however the whole process around it is under your control.

Regarding his clothes, let him decide when he gets his summer clothes out by himself. As long as he's not bringing your clothes out, leave him to it.

I know you probably mean well and want to be a good wife, but you do need to relax and chill out a bit.

Too much routine can make life boring.

OP you accuse others of being unkind - it's pretty unkind to treat a grown adult like a two year old as well. It's controlling and it's abusive. If a woman posted that her DH wouldn't let her order a takeaway and flipped out about where the keys were put and when the seasonal wardrobe was brought out, she would be told to LTB.

Fair enough if you want to cater for your allergy yourself but let the poor fecker have a takeaway sometimes and let him put the keys wherever he wants in his own house

Quite apart from anything else, surely it's against food hygiene best practise to have food in the fridge for a week? I thought kind of 4 days max?

Also. Like everyone else I think you are massively controlling and very rigid. And you need to let go a little.

Presumably some of the meals go in the freezer - it isn't safe to keep it all in the fridge for days on end.

If he wants to cook or eat out, just don't defrost something, or keep it till the following evening if it's a last minute change of plan, a long as it's been kept defrosting in the fridge & you reheat it properly, it will be fine.

I couldn't live with you - sorry OP!

Yeah I was a bit when the OP compared moving the keys to changing the direct debits, in a way it makes her sound petulant andher husband is probably ground down by her.

Hilarious thread!!

I suspect the OP has a wicked and perverse sense of humour

Or is real life really stranger than fiction??

He's not a teenager and you aren't his mother.

And if you carry on like this you will become his mother and your sex life will wither.

OP I was your husband. Meals planned and cooked for me but with no input from me, wouldn't let me cook as I couldn't apparently although i managed perfectly well before him, my clothes decided for me (no money available for things I liked but he'd buy me things to wear that I didn't like and get offended if I refused), set ways of cleaning tidying etc. If I questioned the routine I was told how lucky I was that I had everything organised for me. I rebelled big time against it all and am now divorced and happy. I can eat what I want when I want, wear whatever I feel like, go wherever I want to. Turns out I really like cooking! I just never got the chance before! You are stifling him and he will kick back at some point. It sounds like he already is. Listen to him or you will lose him.

And just to say.

If a relationship needs a rule book you need to look at the relationship.

Seriously this thread has disturbed me.

Your poor DH.

OP, you are getting a kicking and I think it's unfair. From your OP your DH has been ok with your life for 4.5 years. If he wants to change things now he needs to tell you why, not "huff and puff" if you talk to him. If he has not been ok with the way your lives have run for 4.5 years and has now decided to make a change then he should discuss it with you rather than making confusing changes e.g. the clothes and you need to be open to discussion (which it sounds like you are). Basically, you've been doing stuff you thought he was happy with. If he's not happy with it he needs to tell you. Food and clothes seem to be the main one here. However, there are some basic household "rules" or "agreements" that should not be changed for no good reason. Keeping keys in the key pot is not you being "controlling"; it's just where the keys go. Moving them means you cannot find them. That's an odd thing to do. If he wants to change where you keep the keys then, fine, have a conversation about it, but just randomly moving them looks like trying to prove a point.
Thank goodness I'm not the only one thinking this ^^ You can't blame OP for getting p'd off when OH has been in agreement for so long and suddenly decides to change everything without actually being able to say why. It's just bloody-mindedness for the sake of it.

Ugh the idea of the whole weeks worth of food sat there. Knowing what I'm going have have for dinner this day and that day sat there looking at me. That would destroy any enjoyment for food completely.
It just makes it into a chore, like filling the car up with petrol or taking medication or something.

I don't really see why OP's DH has to say why he would like a bit of a change and a relaxation of her very rigid routine. It's obvious why, isn't it? Wanting a bit of variation in life and to be allowed to choose what to wear all by yourself isn't bloody mindedness, it's just normal.

No one knows do they? The OP could get angry/upset that even one thing is moved so he's going to find it very hard to verbalise why he doesn't want to live like this. He's probably been doing it for years, and he is now trying to break out.

I may get flamed for this but OP I thought no you need to familiarise yourself with the ceoliac diet more.

I was diagnosed over 10 years ago and have found through years of dealing with the diet that it doesn't have to completely take over you life!

It is quite easy now to eat the same meal as the rest of your household but just swap out ingredients for a gluten free alternative.

I don't understand why you need to meticulously meal plan because of being gluten free.

A really basic example, cooking spaghetti, use all the normal ingredients (passata, herbs,mince etc etc) and if you need to thicken use corn flour or oxo glass jar gravy granules that are gluten free then do either two types of spaghetti (normal/GF) or if you DP happy both have GF.
That's just one example but you don't have to be quite so restrictive around meal planning and in fact if you are I would suggest going back to your dietician.

As for everything else, I would be driven crazy by your regime and tbh would have to walk away for my own mental wellbeing!

Do you think it may be worth some talking therapy to find out why you feel the need to control so much? It can't be easy or fun being so strict with everything.
Do you think it may verge on OCD?

How old are you both OP? I think you need to relax a bit or frankly he'll be running for the hills screaming 'fun, I want some fuuuuuuuuuuuuuun'.

Are you in the UK OP? because a couple of weeks ago we had the most heavenly hot, sunny weekend. I wore a summer cotton frock and sandals from the back of the cupboard, and DH and the kids were in shorts.

I'd have been bloody pissed off if someone told me off for doing that.

I think you need to let go and lighten up. It's controling to dictate when his wardrobe changes or where his keys live or what he eats daily. He doesn't need your permission to do something different. These are just small things and your level of control is not normal or reasonable. You are not the boss on the relationship.

Why can't he have control over his life? The argument that everything would be disorganised or burnt is a poor one. You are effectively de-skilling him and forcing him to be dependant on you. So what if he burns the toast? He will eventually stop burning it with trial and error. How will he develop skills if he hasn't got the opportunity to?

Also people are allowed to change their minds and develop. It's ok and normal. He would now like a pet and you need to have a discussion about the pros and cons of having one in your lives. Decide together.

Food wise, why not decide that he does the food Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. He knows all about your celiac needs and so can consider your diet when cooking or let you know its not celiac friendly so you can whip something out of the freezer.