AIBU? Or is my DH?

[user1492637408]

I am not sure if I'm being precious here so please do tell me

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 2, all good, the usual. Nothing to worry about - I would say we were really happy, we have no DC and no plans to, we're just enjoying our lives together. But in the last 6 months he has just thrown the rule book of our entire relationship out of the window. We have always done things a certain way - or more specifically, I take care of things, which I am happy to do so it's not like I've complained!

For example I like to meal plan (I am coeliac so have to be careful) so every Sunday I make all our meals for the week, put them in Tupperware and label them so we know what we are having... I don't make them repetitive or boring thanks to Pinterest and it saves us cooking all the time/spending loads of money on takeaways. This has always been the case and he used to be appreciative of it but recently it's like he is trying to test the waters and saying he wants to cook or get takeaway all the time, even though he knows I have spent hours prepping balanced meals for the week. I wouldn't mind but he could burn cereal! And when I asked him about it he just said he wanted some variety...? I tried to explain I make a very varied selection of food and if he wanted something specific just to ask me and he just huffed and puffed like I was being inconvenient

There are lots of other examples (moving where we keep the spare keys, from the designated spare key pot I have, to a random shelf - why?, purposely bringing up issues like having a pet (he knows I don't want animals in the house, full stop, we decided years ago so why is it an issue now), he even pulled all of his summer clothes out of storage boxes the other day and started trying to wedge them into into drawers because he decided it was time for them - when again, he knows that every year I get the winter stuff washed and vacuum sealed up and into the storage boxes around springtime and get our spring wardrobes out?). I know it might sound as though he's trying to be helpful but honestly it feels like he's just doing it to wind me up - I do a lot and again, I'm not complaining, I like things a certain way! But when I ask him why he's done something he just goes all vague and hasn't got a reason which to me suggests it's just done to make a point and he doesn't want to say what that is?!

Please help me decipher him because I am getting sick of feeling like he's rebelling against our routine and I have no idea why

I'd run a mile if I was your OH.

It's not unkind to tell you you are being very unreasonable, OP.

You have a certain division of labour: you do everything in the house and he 'manages the money'. Do you both work? If you have £1 in your pocket, does he tell you what you are allowed to spend it on? That's the level of ant-fucking we are dealing with here.

I think everyone is ignoring the OP is coeliac which can make life very worrying. If I had a long commute & came home from work exhausted & hungry to find what I thought I'd have for dinner burnt I might menu plan & bulk cook. If you travel a lot for work you might not want to spend what you thought was going to be a restful weekend moving clothes around. Maybe OP works long shifts in a hospital & is saving up for a new car so doesn't want to blow lots of cash on takeaways or waste food

If he really is a terrible cook, can you not cook together in the evenings? Show him how you prepare some of the meals you like (and limit yourself to only putting one or two things a week in the freezer) He will get better at cooking if he can practise, and try not to criticise his every move in the kitchen. With no DCs around, you can enjoy cooking and take your time surely? I would not enjoy my life if I ate reheated food every night. I love the smells of cooking and your eating routine sounds so dull and lifeless imo.
I agree that the moving keys deliberately so you can't find them is petty but it seems to me he has done it out of sheer frustration at you. If he is scared to open up to you for fear of a confrontation upsetting you, then my advice would be, loosen up a bit, have a spontaneous takeaway tonight, tell him YOU fancy a change from the routine and see if it gets a conversation going about how he is feeling right now.

BigGreenOlives:

As true as all that is, it doesn't give her the right to control her DH. If he wants the odd takeaway and she doesn't, he can have one and she doesn't have to eat it.

Don't do the Tupperware thing this Sunday.

One step at a time. Go shopping together Sunday instead and choose and decide together food for the week.

The rigid routines do resonate with me believe it or not but you do need to let go of those a bit and would suggest getting help to do so.

There....slightly more comprehensive advice than the rod and backside.

Hi OP, YABU. Your dh is being very sensible in changing some things without any name calling, arguments or resentment.
I think you need to interrogate your need to be so organised as pps have said.

Rustydust, loved your reply & writing style. I bet you'd do an excellent Janet & Roy round robin letter . "I won't speak about pets" is going to keep amused all day

I have food allergies. One of them can land me in hospital very quickly. I am not ignoring the Ops dietry needs.

That doesnt give me the right to control all the food in the house and get upset when dh fancies a takeaway. Or be left upset and annoyed that he wants to do something different.

It doesnt give me the right to tell him when he can start wearing spring clothes and that he cant sort his own clothes out. Or start getting upset and frustrated because a key didnt go where i said it must go. Pr say there ia no way we are having a pet.

user - the set up you describe isn't normal, which is why you've had the responses you've had.

Vacuum packing up non-seasonal clothes is not something I've ever done - I can see that if you have little space, it might be necessary.

But to get annoyed with someone for accessing their (own) 'non'-seasonal clothes because it's not the right date on the calendar (as opposed to actually feeling warmer), is bonkers. Seriously bonkers. Sorry.

Everything you describe sounds so ... rigid.

He can't really explain to you why he's suddenly breaking all the rulz, because he probably can't quite believe the rules he's living by in the first place.

Let him cook, for heaven's sake! What's the worst thing that could happen? What's the best?!

Break free. Live a little. In a hundred years, will anyone care that he unzip-locked his spring clothes on 18 April, instead of the designated 1 May?!

Let the man wear his short sleeves.

🌱🌸🌺☀️

Lalunya85
Maybe you could try a sticker reward system? Every time he does something the way you think is correct, he gets a sticker. And when he collects ten stickers he gets a treat, like... I dont know, doing something against the rules, like swapping Wednesday's curry for Friday's pasta?

I'm sorry op but what a horrible way to live for him. If indeed this is real. I very much doubt many people could live like this. I know I couldn't.

Did you live together before you married? Was he aware this is what it would be like? And have you always been this way or has it evolved?

It's not right, and I'm genuinely wondering if you have some form of mental health issue. Do you need to be controlling and regimented in other areas of your life and always do things a certain rigid way?

You are both separate adults. If he wants a takeaway, he can get one. If he wants to wear a t shirt in December, that's HIS choice.

You are obviously very rigid in the way you live. I would find that totally suffocating.

Have a reflect on what everyone has said and try to loosen up.

and I think he would be equally confused if I suddenly started trying to move the direct debits about

So... you allow him to be in control of direct debits? Which are set up and then they automatically take the right amount of money out? Your "letting go" is allowing him power over something which needs absolutely no input from him?

I felt poor guy on the weeks worth of tuperware. Sounds like youve lost the love of cooking. Id return to the kitchen and cook a meal you going to eat that day from stratch. Its fun!!! Do it together with wine. Yabu.

One thing to take consolation from -

He's not doing any of this to 'wind you up'!

He's just living like a regular person would, without all the rules.

OP, I think we alll agree that your DH's actions are a response to feeling that your lives are too controlled / planned.

Why not sit down with him and make some plans for fun things to do this year? Can you both think of a list of things that would inject some excitement and unpredictability into life?

I think that would be a more positive action than some of the suggestions on here.

The lack of spontaneity here, would do my head in. I can't even guess why it's taken him over 4 years of living under Marshall law to rebel. You're both in the wrong here. You for being so controlling & him for not saying anything in week 1, like I think a lot of people would.

Each to their own and all that but the biggest shock for me is the meals. How on earth does one Tupperware a nice medium rare steak with a blue cheese sauce, salad and twice cooked chips? You DHs diet cannot possibly be varied or interesting, there is only so much stuff that can be reheated through the week from plastic.

OP I wish was as organised as you. I'm at the other end of the scale.
As other people have said, life is short. Go out to eat tonight and have a little talk.

If I left it up to him we would never be able to find anything,

How do you imagine the rest of us live without this degree of organisation? Yet we are not permanently losing things.

One example of why your system doesn't work. A couple of weeks ago it was unprecedentedly hot. From what you say, you would not have been able to wear shorts and a T shirt because the winter clothes hadn't been washed and vacuum packed away and the summer wardrobe hadn't come out. If you had decided to get them out and put the winter stuff away, you would have been stuck the following week when it got cold again.

What concerns me is that you won't accept anything different to your way unless you feel that it has "rhyme or reason". The starting point to any discussions you have with your husband needs to be that you don't demand reasons; accept that people want change and spontaneity just because. Please, for both your sakes, accept the concept of going with the flow and forgetting the routine.

Doesn't cooking all your food on a Sunday take up most of the day? I try to make up one batch of baby food per weekend to keep the freezer topped up and I find that a bit of a bind! Does it restrict what you can do at the weekend?

Perhaps the reason he is finding it hard to articulate a reason for the changes is that there isn't one beyond he just wants to?

The way you describe things does sound out of the ordinary and quite oppressive. I think you need to sit down and discuss this before it becomes a bigger issue.

He needs to run to the fucking hills.

Fucking hell.