AIBU? Or is my DH?

[user1492637408]

I am not sure if I'm being precious here so please do tell me

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 2, all good, the usual. Nothing to worry about - I would say we were really happy, we have no DC and no plans to, we're just enjoying our lives together. But in the last 6 months he has just thrown the rule book of our entire relationship out of the window. We have always done things a certain way - or more specifically, I take care of things, which I am happy to do so it's not like I've complained!

For example I like to meal plan (I am coeliac so have to be careful) so every Sunday I make all our meals for the week, put them in Tupperware and label them so we know what we are having... I don't make them repetitive or boring thanks to Pinterest and it saves us cooking all the time/spending loads of money on takeaways. This has always been the case and he used to be appreciative of it but recently it's like he is trying to test the waters and saying he wants to cook or get takeaway all the time, even though he knows I have spent hours prepping balanced meals for the week. I wouldn't mind but he could burn cereal! And when I asked him about it he just said he wanted some variety...? I tried to explain I make a very varied selection of food and if he wanted something specific just to ask me and he just huffed and puffed like I was being inconvenient

There are lots of other examples (moving where we keep the spare keys, from the designated spare key pot I have, to a random shelf - why?, purposely bringing up issues like having a pet (he knows I don't want animals in the house, full stop, we decided years ago so why is it an issue now), he even pulled all of his summer clothes out of storage boxes the other day and started trying to wedge them into into drawers because he decided it was time for them - when again, he knows that every year I get the winter stuff washed and vacuum sealed up and into the storage boxes around springtime and get our spring wardrobes out?). I know it might sound as though he's trying to be helpful but honestly it feels like he's just doing it to wind me up - I do a lot and again, I'm not complaining, I like things a certain way! But when I ask him why he's done something he just goes all vague and hasn't got a reason which to me suggests it's just done to make a point and he doesn't want to say what that is?!

Please help me decipher him because I am getting sick of feeling like he's rebelling against our routine and I have no idea why

Does no one else ever have freezer surprise where they didn't label the Bol sauce when they put i in the freezer because for sure they'd remember that it was Bol sauce, and months later when you get it out you can't remember if it's Bol or chilli or whatever?

Last night:
DP: What's for dinner tonight?
Me: Roast chicken with potatoes and carrots and unidentifiable freezer gloop that may or may not be stuffing...

Luckily it was stuffing... leftover from Christmas... or maybe Thanksgiving...

I genuinely don't know how to vacuum pack something. Is that just me?

Fruitcocktail, I have no idea either. I think it is done professionally in dry cleaners if you ask. I have only ever had my wedding dress done.

I have visions of stuffing clothes into a box or bag and sticking the nozzle of the Dyson in before sellotaping it shut.

On second thoughts though, perhaps that isn't such a great idea. Mine is so powerful it would rip holes in everything.

Crikey. I'm a creature of habit and am a sucker for a routine but this would drive me doolally.

when I asked him about it he just said he wanted some variety...? I tried to explain I make a very varied selection of food and if he wanted something specific just to ask me and he just huffed and puffed like I was being inconvenient

OP I think the reason he huffs and puffs is because he shouldn't HAVE to explain himself. It sounds like he challenged you, you patronisingly told him you offer him variety and he just needs to ask if he wants something in particular. Again, you dismissed his attempt at some spontaneity and put him back in his box and assumed control - "just ask me if you want something else". He's an adult, an equal partner in your relationship; he shouldn't have to ask.

He'll never learn to cook if you don't give him the opportunity - what's the worst that could happen? He burns or ruins dinner but it's ok as you either eat something out of one of your Tupperwares, or have soup or a sandwich or - god forbid - a takeaway. At least let him try.

That's what jumps out of me from all your posts - you don't see him as your equal but as an incompetent, incapable manchild who needs organising, planning, feeding and managing right down to what he wears and what he eats. It's suffocating.

He may have let it go for the last 4 years but I'm betting my life that he's about to crack, and crack big time. The steady drip of water torture rather than the sudden rush of waterboarding.

Back off, relax, and get some relationship counselling. You need to rebalance your marriage.

It all sounds very controlled & organised & very, very boring-it would drive me up the wall.
Maybe he just wants to spice it up a bit.

I got as far as "he could start with breakfast" ffs this must be a joked. It made me laugh a grown man cant pick cereal ffs lollll

It's amazing what some people would happily admit to on here just because they know women get an easy ride. If a man turned round to his wife and said a meal she cooked was 'shit' she'd be told to LTB.

Yes and the OP is complaining he can't articulate why he's doing it. But when he told her (wanted some variety) she just rejected it as not good enough and said any changes have to go through her. He's controlled, he's ignored.

Sidge The worst that could happen is he isn't careful enough when cooking his non gluten free alongside her gluten free food, cross contaminates her meal and she becomes ill. He can't even take the care not to regularly burn food after all.

The Op really wouldn't be being unreasonable to say she will continue cooking for herself.

The problem is she doesn't want him cooking for himself either.

And she doesn't express any worries about contamination!

Vacuum bags are amazing!
JML do them- big gigantic plastic bag with a valve in, fill it, put Hoover nozzle on, shrinks down to a tiny flat hard bag.
Great for spare quilts etc to stuff in small spaces. As soon as you unzip they 'grow' again.
Apparently you can use normal bin ads but that's a bit beyond me...

cuppa now you're infantilising him by assuming he can't cook a gluten free meal for the two of them...

Surely as a grown man he can cook a meal without gluten, and manage not to ruin it? There's no need to cook 2 separate meals necessarily, he just needs an opportunity to learn how to cook at all. The OP won't even let him try.

OP you are the first cuckoo of spring and I claim my £5.

I used to have similar with the ex.. Meals planned a week prior, every day mapped out, every hour a routine, even what was allowed to be purchased set.

Never noticed until the night we split, and I went shopping for my own cupboards... Bought things as usual, got to the checkout.. Looked at it.."I'm very sorry, but I've just realised I don't actually like any of this shit... I'll go and put it back".. Couldn't go back to being micromanaged now..

I have just finished reading the (hilarious) post in AIBU about the pregnant lady who was wondering why her friends were being catty to her when she was having the baby who would be destined to do great things. This one has to be a joke as well

You've had quite a lot of grief, op!
You sound really caring but from the outside, I'm guessing he feels like a caged bird, with his whole life planned out for him.
Some people thrive on routine (you) but others need spontaneity and he's probably feeling very stifled.
Just wondering (and I apologise if it's been asked) but how on earth do you prepare chicken/fish and it still be fresh on day 7??

Hope your chat this evening goes well OP.

Nor me fruitcocktails...my vacuum bags never shrink that much and within 2 hours they're back to normal sized

I'm sorry you've taken a beating on here OP but honestly you do sound really controlling. And I wouldn't want to eat something that had been cooked nearly a week ago. And he's not allowed to get his own clothes out of storage? Hope you and your husband manage to talk things through, compromise is the key here I think.

Don't want to frighten you OP but and I got married and up to about 8 years afterwards we agreed and were adamant we'd never have children and thought people who did were mad.
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We have 3 now (and I'm a childminder)😆😆😆

That should read "but when dh and I got married"

I actually vacuum pack and store clothes but I have very little space and lots of clothes I tend to get the Summer stuff out at Easter and Winter stuff when DC go back in September.

To be fair it's mainly things like putting heavy wool coats/boots away in Summer and getting cotton sundresses and small cardigans etc out, and vice versa. I have certain items I wear all year round and just layer e.g. skirts and dresses with opaque tights in Winter or bare legs in Summer.

This is purely due to space but I do think if I gave free rein to my nature, I would be like you OP. DH calls me Monica (from Friends). It gets worse when I am anxious or worried about something - it's not that I like to plan, it's that I hate uncertainty. It's hard to explain unless you know what it's like!

I do make an effort to be less controlling than my natural instincts as otherwise our home would be like a military camp and my DC and DH would be unhappy. What helps is having some certain set things - e.g. We tend to have a special Sunday lunch together, but other mealtimes are flexible and people are sometimes out or we can get pizzas. I decide on a few meals (and usually a cake!) at the weekends but these can be had at any time As the DC have grown up things have to be more flexible, but I think certain routines made them happy and secure when they were smaller.

I also put a lot of effort into traditions rather than routines, if this makes sense. So I can look forward to making a certain lemon cake at Easter for example. I also have lots of tick lists to indulge my love of planning and have certain tasks that I will do say once a month but not on a specific day so I don't get stuck in a routine. Like washing sofa cushions, things like that.

I actually became ill a few years ago so have had to stop planning so much as I am not always up to stuff, or have unexpected hospital trips and this has actually helped me relax a bit. I do make a positive effort to be spontaneous where I can, and not get into routines which I can't get out of.

I think if you see it as a challenge to yourself OP, you will probably do really well at relaxing the reins and becoming more open. It's definitely worth it. Ask your DH to be completely honest with you and try not to take it as criticism of you (another thing I struggle with!) but perhaps see it as both of you developing as you get older, and just accommodating this.

Good luck.

Well, I decided to bite the bullet and ask him if he wanted to get a takeaway tonight and have a chat. He didn't, funnily enough, and was (obviously!) a bit surprised but it was definitely the right thing to do and a lot has come out of it - he apologised for the random of moving of things to odd places (keys etc), he's been under a lot of stress recently starting his own business and money is tight (hence my doubling down on making sure we plan our food shop carefully!). So that's fine and no harm done - taken in context with other bits it felt deliberate but I have clearly overthought it!

As for food, I told him - after the ever so helpful comments here - that he was obviously free to cook if he wanted to, and he seemed pleased with that, although he did add that he is doing 14 hour days at the moment working and he would probably not bother, he just suddenly felt stressed and wanted something to change, and it manifested itself like that. And the summer clothes thing was just because he was looking for a particular shirt and then couldn't be bothered to put it all back - which he knows drives me mad but I can live with that! Plus, it's getting warmer now anyway...

I think I will focus on some extra time just to us - we both work hard but him more so and if he needs the status quo to shift a bit for now then I can handle that now I know that he doesn't suddenly hate me and our life together. He has gone back to his study to do some more work (Tupperware meal plated up I might add!) and I am going to look at arranging some time off so we can get away for a weekend which he said he'd like.

Thanks to the helpful commenters, you were lovely. To the odd one or two who have posted multiple times about what an awful person I am, cheers

I've had a few attempts with vacuum bags. They do suck down nicely, retain their small shape for part of an afternoon and then slowly let all the air back in again.
Essentially I had bought some very expensive zip up plastic bags.
The only thing I agree with the op about is keys. You need to know where your keys are - though I have a Tile on mine now in case of mishaps.
Reheated food every day? Sorry but no. It sounds like such a dreary way to live.
We have some freezer surprise. Currently there is a plastic container full of something orange in the freezer. It might be curry or sweet and sour - or something else. We haven't been brave enough to find out.

How old are you both?

I love you though.

You make me look laid back...
🤣

I couldn't eat or live like that.