AIBU? Or is my DH?

[user1492637408]

I am not sure if I'm being precious here so please do tell me

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 2, all good, the usual. Nothing to worry about - I would say we were really happy, we have no DC and no plans to, we're just enjoying our lives together. But in the last 6 months he has just thrown the rule book of our entire relationship out of the window. We have always done things a certain way - or more specifically, I take care of things, which I am happy to do so it's not like I've complained!

For example I like to meal plan (I am coeliac so have to be careful) so every Sunday I make all our meals for the week, put them in Tupperware and label them so we know what we are having... I don't make them repetitive or boring thanks to Pinterest and it saves us cooking all the time/spending loads of money on takeaways. This has always been the case and he used to be appreciative of it but recently it's like he is trying to test the waters and saying he wants to cook or get takeaway all the time, even though he knows I have spent hours prepping balanced meals for the week. I wouldn't mind but he could burn cereal! And when I asked him about it he just said he wanted some variety...? I tried to explain I make a very varied selection of food and if he wanted something specific just to ask me and he just huffed and puffed like I was being inconvenient

There are lots of other examples (moving where we keep the spare keys, from the designated spare key pot I have, to a random shelf - why?, purposely bringing up issues like having a pet (he knows I don't want animals in the house, full stop, we decided years ago so why is it an issue now), he even pulled all of his summer clothes out of storage boxes the other day and started trying to wedge them into into drawers because he decided it was time for them - when again, he knows that every year I get the winter stuff washed and vacuum sealed up and into the storage boxes around springtime and get our spring wardrobes out?). I know it might sound as though he's trying to be helpful but honestly it feels like he's just doing it to wind me up - I do a lot and again, I'm not complaining, I like things a certain way! But when I ask him why he's done something he just goes all vague and hasn't got a reason which to me suggests it's just done to make a point and he doesn't want to say what that is?!

Please help me decipher him because I am getting sick of feeling like he's rebelling against our routine and I have no idea why

Wow, just amazed that after about post number ten, none of the approx 250 people who then repeated the same control freak / mother / you need some help comments stopped and wondered whether it was a bit unnecessary and mean?

OP your relationship sounds quirky and definitely wouldn't work for me, but it has for you for some time and I can understand your consternation even if I don't share your approach. You both created and endured is rhythm for some time if you are to be believed, there as no gin to his head and he had control over other aspects of your life together.

Personally I would just try and ease up on some of the things he's clearly now testing the water over. As a part ship you need to find a balance that will NOW work for BOTH of you. Let him explore and articulate that and give yourself a rest. Neither of you are mind readers.

Life isn't linear and so you might have to stop expecting or attempting to have everything mapped out so neatly. That includes children as well as Tupperware

Gun not gin. What an apt typo 🙈

We meal plan. I hate it really and have only been doing it for a couple of years. But we both work and I'm not dragging two small DC round the hellhole of Asda. So meal planning and online delivery it is.

But we still go out for tea and take away nights when we can't be bothered or change our mind.

Do you have any spontaneity in your life OP? Genuinely. I know you may not like the replies but really read them.

How do you cope if it's freezing in July and all the winter clothes are vacuum packed away in the storage boxes not to be brought out until whenever?

You just plough on through in your seasonal clothes and fake it till you feel it I guess, user.

It's a good job op doesn't live here. I had my canvas shoes on last week because it was 23 degrees, got sunburned shoulders from a day in the market.

Yesterday it was snowing. Weekend it will be in the 20s again.

I wonder if the OP and her DH have a strict timetable for sexy times, agreed at least a week in advance and with the rules laid out

21.20. Start kissing
21.30. DH to nuzzle DW's neck

Etc

21:40 extract condom from blue box if Monday, red box if Tuesday, white Tupperware if Wednesday, bedside drawer if Thursday or Friday, and old biscuit tin at weekends.

We're usually good at communicating issues which is why it's frustrating for me that these things seem to have to rhyme or reason
He is communicating with you, in the only way that you have to listen to.

There must be so many meals that you can never have because they have to be eaten fresh. I appreciate the convenience of only cooking once a week, but it would drive me insane to eat a Tupperware meal every day.

Is everything heated up? So you never eat salad? Can your DH never eat chips? Baked potato? Pasta?

What does your dh do on a Sunday?

You can't blame OP for getting p'd off when OH has been in agreement for so long and suddenly decides to change everything without actually being able to say why. It's just bloody-mindedness for the sake of it

No its not. When you are in a relationship thats controllinh, where one person makes the rules etc....this is exactly whay happens.

You can it to a point and then you cant. And you cant discuss it because every conversation turns into why their way is better.

You could try only putting essential info on your packaged meals - date, number of portions. I do get that you need to be careful what you eat, but I also understand that he doesn't.

So leave the food as 'surprise' as much as you can. If he wants a takeaway, or something else, then pull out a single portion of something you can have and let him do what he wants.

Likewise, his clothes, his responsibility. He may want some of his clothes put away in vacuum packs, and some not. He can do that if he wants to, surely? Up to him. Also, he can do his own washing and ironing, folding and putting away. Get another chest of drawers so you have one each. Yours can be tidy and a thing of beauty, his can be, er, however he wants it.

We do meal planning and one big weekly shop because we both work in the evenings and come home late. But that is joint meal planning, with both partners having a say, and the flexibility to allow for changes in the schedule. What the OP is describing is "my way or the highway".

The fact is op, whilst i admire your organisational skills, they are very rigid.
Your husband is an adult and you need to allow him to make his own choices.
If you had children I'd understand the whole Tupperware thing a bit more, but I take it the decision to not have children was so that you could be carefree.
With pre prepped meals how can you have a nice steak or fresh chicken?
By all means carry on freezing, but they can be eaten anytime up to to a point and you don't always have to eat the same meals.
As far as the clothes situation goes, he should be allowed to mix and match what he wears without his wife dictating what he wears.
I think if you continue you may potentially lose him.

Is this your husband or your son?

Losing the leash a little, jeez. He can request dinners in his own house, he can order a takeaway in his own house, he can cook in his own house!

It's meant to be a partnership. Not a dictatorship.

I've gone back and re-read your OP a couple of times now, and I think if you re-read it through the eyes of a stranger, maybe you'll get it.

Your last para:

Please help me decipher him because I am getting sick of feeling like he's rebelling against our routine and I have no idea why

I imagine the responses to this thread have well and truly enlightened you.

This has probably been tough reading. I hope you're OK, OP.

I could not ever imagine having such a rigid schedule that I couldn't have a bad day at work and go "Sod it, DD choose a takeaway menu" or ever just feel like going out for dinner or just not be in the mood for something!

I make the meal plan, and while I can't really afford to be buying takeaway all the time or wasting food, I still have that bit of flexibility that I can swap meals around or budget for the chippy tea.

Even lunches - I work in a supermarket and I take my own lunch/dinner most days ... that doesn't mean that the tea I packed up at 7am before going in for an 8-8 shift is the one I want to eat at 5pm, especially if I had something else reheated/pre-prepared for lunch as well ... which is why I always keep a couple of pasta pots/pot noodles/cereal bars etc in my locker so I know I have a little bit of choice at least!

cory Op asks him what he'd like. He gets huffy.

Other posters are jumping to the conclusion he's so controlled he's lost his ability to voice his own opinion and choices.

I wonder whether when he says he wants to cook he isn't offering to cook for both of them, doesn't want to take the time to learn recipes suitable for the Ops Coeliac, in fact wants things he knows she can't have but feels selfish for saying so.

Op I would suggest to him this week he shops for himself, cooks for himself. You prepare what you'd like for you only. See if by Wednesday he asks you what's for tea

My winter clothes live in a heap in the spare room for the whole season while I fail to get round to sorting them.

YABU but I can understand the need for care with regard to your food.
The rest, well, I think you like the security of feeling in control (perhaps from a pattern set by your parents or from the opposite: a chaotic early life), but if you trust your DH then you can adapt and compromise over time.

I don't sort a thing. Everything is available year round.

Now I'm feeling like some sort of decadent arriviste.

Doesn't it all depend on wardrobe and drawer space!? OP might not have much, hence the vacuum bags.

Mind stays in the same place all year round but it's because I've taken over other wardrobes in the house

Cuppa

She hasn't given him the chance to cook anything. Suitable or not. You're suggesting all sorts of excuses why but I don't think they're anything to do with it. He's probably had it drummed into him every day for five years waht is and isn't suitable or permitted. And I would imagine, has sufficient intelligence to check if something is gluten free

He gets huffy, I would imagine, as he knows all the fall out that comes with it

Polly Would you say that people in controlling situations are 'enabling' the controlling person and that they just need to suck it up rather than wanting something different somewhere down the line? If you see control as some level of abuse, That is veering towards victim blaming.

Gosh no! I was talking from her perspective, how she's seeing it. Clearly not right to be so controlling and the thread has almost unanimously pointed this out. I said she should seek help with the rigid routines. I think her DH going all out to break being stifled is maybe not the right way and to gradually elbow his way back into their (not her) routine as I think those routines are so extreme there's got to be something underlying that.

And to the other PPs, I can't paste more than one reply from my phone (or don't know how to).

He's 'rebelling against your routine' because he's not a trained puppy that's started peeing on the rug. Talk to the man! Compromise! Jesus. If you want things entirely your own way why enter into a relationship?

arbrighton How would you describe 'what would you like me to cook for you' as fallout?

The Op cooks non gf for him so he isn't following her diet.

I don't blame her for not being enthusiastic about burnt food. Like I say he should practise for himself but I dont think he's not answering her because she's controlling. More because he knows she goes out of her way to cook him what he likes, look up new recipes but the 'variety' he's talking about isn't variety but actually lots of takeaways she can't share/can't really afford or whatever.

As an aside I understand the keys thing Op. I keep my own set in my handbag and insist on the spare being in the agreed place too so I can find it in case of an emergency with the kids.

My DH can then get on with regularly losing his set as he puts them in a different place from the last