AIBU? Or is my DH?

[user1492637408]

I am not sure if I'm being precious here so please do tell me

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 2, all good, the usual. Nothing to worry about - I would say we were really happy, we have no DC and no plans to, we're just enjoying our lives together. But in the last 6 months he has just thrown the rule book of our entire relationship out of the window. We have always done things a certain way - or more specifically, I take care of things, which I am happy to do so it's not like I've complained!

For example I like to meal plan (I am coeliac so have to be careful) so every Sunday I make all our meals for the week, put them in Tupperware and label them so we know what we are having... I don't make them repetitive or boring thanks to Pinterest and it saves us cooking all the time/spending loads of money on takeaways. This has always been the case and he used to be appreciative of it but recently it's like he is trying to test the waters and saying he wants to cook or get takeaway all the time, even though he knows I have spent hours prepping balanced meals for the week. I wouldn't mind but he could burn cereal! And when I asked him about it he just said he wanted some variety...? I tried to explain I make a very varied selection of food and if he wanted something specific just to ask me and he just huffed and puffed like I was being inconvenient

There are lots of other examples (moving where we keep the spare keys, from the designated spare key pot I have, to a random shelf - why?, purposely bringing up issues like having a pet (he knows I don't want animals in the house, full stop, we decided years ago so why is it an issue now), he even pulled all of his summer clothes out of storage boxes the other day and started trying to wedge them into into drawers because he decided it was time for them - when again, he knows that every year I get the winter stuff washed and vacuum sealed up and into the storage boxes around springtime and get our spring wardrobes out?). I know it might sound as though he's trying to be helpful but honestly it feels like he's just doing it to wind me up - I do a lot and again, I'm not complaining, I like things a certain way! But when I ask him why he's done something he just goes all vague and hasn't got a reason which to me suggests it's just done to make a point and he doesn't want to say what that is?!

Please help me decipher him because I am getting sick of feeling like he's rebelling against our routine and I have no idea why

Does no one else ever have freezer surprise where they didn't label the Bol sauce when they put i in the freezer because for sure they'd remember that it was Bol sauce, and months later when you get it out you can't remember if it's Bol or chilli or whatever? or is that just me?

And to be absolutely fair, the DH has enabled these rigid routines to be firmly set and ingrained in for years and shouldn't just started putting spanners in the works with no explanation.

Seriously? He is required to explain to his wife if he wants a takeaway or to wear a different tshirt?

It always amazes me on Mumsnet that if a man raises his voice once in a 25 year marriage it's classed as abuse. But when a woman is behaving in a way which is obviously incredibly controlling and abusive you always have people piping up that it's perfectly reasonable and an adult should have to ask the permission of another adult to vary what he eats or wears.

Crazy.

Freezer surprise is aces. Especially when you put it on pasta and it turns out to be stewed plums.

De-lurking to add what I hope might be helpful for the OP!

I get like this whenever my anxiety and depression is rearing it's head - absolutely have to be in control of everything. It was at its worst when I was at university, had to vacuum my room every day, eat the same food every day etc. I realised it wasn't healthy at the time, but it was how I coped with stress, it made me feel more secure and I reasoned it was better than booze or drugs! Anyway, I think the OP would benefit from looking at why these rituals are so important, there might be a bigger issue.

Also, I'm now married to a man the complete opposite of the OP ie never plans and never knows where anything is, it can be exhausting! So I guess for a happy life I'd recommend a middle way - a degree of planning and organisation to make life easier but with room for spontaneity and fun!

Polly Would you say that people in controlling situations are 'enabling' the controlling person and that they just need to suck it up rather than wanting something different somewhere down the line? If you see control as some level of abuse, That is veering towards victim blaming.

Bill that has just made me laugh

On what planet can a grown adult not decide by themselves that they want to wear shorts today and fancy chips for tea?

Are children and pets a no because they will add chaos into your lives? That may not be a bad thing.

What did you do that really hot day a few weeks back? Sit in your winter clothes because it wasn't time to get out your spring wardrobe? Why would you clean already clean clothes anyway?

Surely your DH can get out his t shirts whenever he likes because, he's a grown man. He can do what he likes OP and it really is ok for him to change his mind without any discussion because once again, he is an adult with him own mind, thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Fair point about the infantilising - most people I know give their toddlers more bloody freedom!

From the freezer surprises are always fun. Spag chilli or Bolton carne are regulars here

Bol not Bolton

Bill 95%+ of the responses are posters calling the OP out for being insanely controlling. I'm not sure this is the best example of mn sexism.

And to be absolutely fair, the DH has enabled these rigid routines to be firmly set and ingrained in for years and shouldn't just started putting spanners in the works with no explanation

Cmon, please say you don't really think it's his fault for enabling her and that he should provide her with an explanation if he wishes to wear shorts or eat something "off plan" ?

As said, maybe it started off ok, where we didn't really care, or liked the routine, found it to be one of her little "quirks" but the reality of living like this has eventually ground him down.

The fact he has to explain to her ask her permission if he wishes to wear lighter clothing before the arbitrary date she has set in the calendar is all kinds of wrong.

How do you cope if it's freezing in July and all the winter clothes are vacuum packed away in the storage boxes not to be brought out until whenever?

Fenella

If Op thinks food needs to be militarised to that extent then she really doesn't understand the condition well at all.

I was responding to that comment from you. I think it's unreasonable to question the Ops understanding of her own dietary and lifestyle needs. As I said she cooks varied recipes, doesn't limit herself, seems to have a healthy attitude towards managing her Coeliac.

The cooking meals in advance and freezing them for during the week is likely a budget/lifestyle thing. The Op says she doesn't have much time for cooking from scratch during the week, maybe they both get in from work late. It's also normal to meal plan for a week due to budget etc.

Careful (she has to be) and organised yes. Militarised no.

Maybe the OP's dh would like to do something more interesting on Sundays than watch his dw prepare seven to fourteen different meals (she also mentioned pre-prepared lunches...) and put them in labelled tupperware... Perhaps he'd like a nice walk. Maybe if he had a dog, he and the dog could go for a walk while his dw played with tupperware and vacuum packed their winter wardrobe.

Still want to send a rescue party for the OP's DH.

Thinking of the backing track 'Freedom!' 'I want to break free..'
'Born to run..'

The cooking meals in advance and freezing them for during the week is likely a budget/lifestyle thing. The Op says she doesn't have much time for cooking from scratch during the week, maybe they both get in from work late. It's also normal to meal plan for a week due to budget etc.
I thought it was a MN thing. I'd never heard of meal planning and cooking from scratch till I came on here.

round Perhaps he could join in the cooking so he knows how to prepare recipes suitable for his Wife's dietary needs.

Then he could spontaneously offer to cook that during the week for her.

dorothea, I didn't say it was everybody. But when something is this extreme it's worrying that you get anybody saying it's okay.

I wonder if the DH eats a cheeky kebab on the way home and hides all the evidence.

You really really need to unclench op, as none of these things are issues. I couldn't care less where my DH puts his car keys, as long as he can find them again. Equally if he wanted to sit in a t-shirt in the middle of winter, that's his decision.

cuppa as someone who is coeliac I really do understand the condition and can assure you that this level of rigidity is not good - it makes it more likely you will be caught out be a meal out or at someone else's house because you are unable to manage your diet flexibly.

Also, if the OP is just being careful then how come her poor DH isn't allowed, say, wednesday's cauliflower cheese instead of Monday's chilli? As long as the chilli was eaten later in the week it wouldn't break the meal plan yet the thought of that seems incomprehensible to the OP.....

Cuppaoftea - when he has a dw who accuses him of burning cereal?! Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Cooking for or with the OP would probably be a bit like learning to drive with the sort of person who makes tutting noises, or stiffens up or screams every time you try to turn out of a junction or drive down a narrow road...

I thought it was a MN thing. I'd never heard of meal planning and cooking from scratch till I came on here

Me too, I would have thought it relatively rare to cook all your lunches and dinners for the week from scratch on a Sunday and then portion them into Tupperware dishes and I assume freeze. It must take all day. Cooking seven different dinners and cooking seven different lunches.