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AIBU?

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Original poster

More of a wwyd? Need advice..

527 replies

user1492636556 · 19/04/2017 22:21

Hello, looking for advice and not sure if this is the best place to post. Long time lurker, first time poster.

Im 24 and have a DD who's just turned 2. I split with her father during my pregnancy due to his and his families behaviour towards me when I fell pregnant. (Note he has had MH issues in the past and can still display very erratic explosive behaviour which often makes me question that he still suffers with these issues) I know he still has feelings for me, and continually expresses the desire to get back together, but I have made it clear to him that it's not what I want.

When we split we both had to move back into our parents houses due to not being able to afford renting separately. We live in SE London, where rent is sky high. I am really happy living back with my parents as they give me lots of support and they love having us living with them. I am a SAHM atm.

He is an absolute brilliant dad towards our DD and she adores him. He sees her every weekend. No overnights as he doesn't have much space at his parents, but takes her out all day sat and sun.

Here's my issue and I don't really know how to deal with it.

My parents have always wanted to move away from the area as they get older, and preferably somewhere by the coast. My DM and DF have recently found a property that they are really interested in buying. Problem is, it's a 7 hour + drive from where we live at the moment. Me and my DM went to have a look at the property recently, and it is absolutely beautiful. Massive house, lovely location, and lots of potential for my DD to have a wonderful outdoorsy lifestyle. There is also a business opportunity for my parents there as well, meaning I would be able to work for them as well, earning money.

If it wasnt for my DDs father I would absolutely have no hesitation about moving there.

I have no way of staying in the SE by myself. I'm on the council list but on the lowest priority meaning I'll be waiting years for a place. I cannot afford to privately rent. The only option for me is to move with my parents and DD.

I have obviously broached the issue as sensitively as I can with her dad. And understandably he's gone ballistic. Accusing me of taking his DD away from him. I just don't really know what to do, the potential of us moving is seriously affecting his mental health, which I do understand as I would feel exactly the same.

There isn't really the option of him packing up and moving to be near us either. There's nothing in the way of work for him there and he's on such a low income ATM he wouldn't be able to get a deposit or anything together.

I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or if they've been in a similar situation. I want my DD to continue having a fabulous relationship with her dad but if we move I can't see how this is going to work.

Apologies for such a long post. Thanks if you've got this far


OP posts:
winewolfhowls · 20/04/2017 10:15

I would go because ultimately you will get the independence you need if you work for your parents a while and get known in the area, experience and then later could get a different job. Houses there will be more affordable for a single parent. If you stay how will you afford childcare without support from dps and get a job that can work around your child?

Is your parents new business a hotel or b and b? If so could they allow your ex to stay sometimes?

Does your disabled sister figure in the move too, do you help with her care or will you need to do so in the future?

If your exes family were bad to you in the past when you needed them the most then fuck them. You reap what you sow. Your dad doesn't need someone who is emotionally manipulative. He may be a lovely dad now but what about when she is more willful and decisive as she gets older. Will he still be as nice?

I was shocked at the family moving away from step child on the other thread but think in your situation it's quite different and you should go.

usernumbernine · 20/04/2017 10:16

Do your parents have experience of running a b&b and does it have Potential to be profitable or is it currently very profitable (you say both and they are contradictory)

Foxysoxy01 · 20/04/2017 10:18

It sounds like you want to move but also ease the guilt of it by hoping people will tell you you should move and validate your wants.

It would be hard but you could stay pretty much where you are and start a life of your own. It may not be what YOU really want for yourself though and I think that's the underlying thing.

Original poster
user1492636556 · 20/04/2017 10:24

Sorry it is currently a profitable business but the current owners do not use its full potential. They said that they would love to stay there themselves however they have a DC in a wheelchair, and unfortunately the area is not very wheelchair accessible

OP posts:
Timeforteaplease · 20/04/2017 10:24

If staying means you will end up homeless, I'm not sure you have any choice.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 20/04/2017 10:25

Is there any reason your parents want to move SO far? Can't they look at a coastal property on the south coast or something?

Greggers2017 · 20/04/2017 10:25

I think you are being very spiteful and think that it is time you grew up and started acting like an adult and mother.

My children both adore their dad and I moved only 1 hour away and he was devastated at that. I drive every weekend on a Friday to drop them off and pick them up every Sunday because it is important for them to have a relationship with him.

I like you don't particularly get on with him and our relationship had its issues but he is a good dad and like you say your daughters dad is a good dad. His relationship with him is what matters not your thoughts on him or what's happened in the past.
I wouldn't blame the man if he applied to court to stop you moving. I would be absolutely devastated if my mum moved me away from my dad.

What is important here is your daughter not you. And to be fair there are plenty of places your parents could have a b&b closer to London. They sound as selfish as you and also very controlling towards you to put you in this situation.

usernumbernine · 20/04/2017 10:26

Does your ex work and does he pay maintenance?

lotusbomb · 20/04/2017 10:31

@hogs And that's if it even went to court in the first place...

Exactly, I'm not convinced it would.

ChaiTeaTaiChi · 20/04/2017 10:32

Your only duty is to build a life for yourself and your dd

Part of that duty, and part of that life, is to maintain and facilitate contact with the other parent. You can't ignore that responsibility to suit yourself.

TeriyakiStirfry · 20/04/2017 10:33

Why is it better for the DD to lose the support of her grandparents who she lives with than lose weekend days out with her dad? She doesn't have a home with him, he can't even provide her with a bed. The OP gets zero support from him or his family.

She'll have a far better quality of life following the proposed move, with her mum being able to work, with a support network, with no disruption to her day to day home life and the people who she lives with. And the OP is supposed to reject that prospect in favour of making herself and her two year old homeless, to live a life on benefits in London? Again, for the sake of weekend days out? Right then.

lotusbomb · 20/04/2017 10:34

@Greggers2017 How on earth is the OP spiteful and her parents selfish??? If she was spiteful, she would be moving without asking for advice or not even tell him at all. As for her parents, they may well be accommodating their DD and GDD but they still have to live their own lives. What a bizarre statement to make Confused

Original poster
user1492636556 · 20/04/2017 10:35

Yes okay you could say I am trying to ease the guilt by asking on here. I posted on here trying to get various opinions and perhaps advice from others who have been in a similar scenario. I will take all your comments on board even those that are actively trying to be unkind with their use of emotive language.

I don't have any control of my situation. As I have said the area of London where I live has a massive housing shortage. Private rents and childcare are sky high. I'm not taking any decisions lightly but at the end of the day it's my duty to provide a a roof over my DD head

OP posts:
EverybodysHappyNowadays · 20/04/2017 10:39

I think you are being very spiteful and think that it is time you grew up and started acting like an adult and mother.

And you think becoming homeless and living in temporary accomodation on benefits is in the best interests of the child?

user1492636556 · 20/04/2017 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

EverybodysHappyNowadays · 20/04/2017 10:43

user I think going with your parents is the right decision given the circumstances you are in.

Would it be the right decision is all circumstances? No, probably not. If he were working full time and had her 50% of the time and she had a bedroom in his house and he provided maintenance and was actively 'parenting' his daughter, rather than just taking her out for the day at weekends, then I might advise differently. But that is not the situation.

To other people. Everyone has to base their decisions on the reality of their own situation. Not the reality of yours that you are projecting onto them; nor from an ideal situation perspective; nor out of fear about what might happen a decade and a half into the future. But currently. And, given her current circumstances, moving is the best decision for her and her daughter.

In 5 years time, she might be in a position to review that decision. Nothing is permanent.

usernumbernine · 20/04/2017 10:45

user does your ex work? I've asked a few times and does he pay maintenance? Sorry if I missed your reply - on phone and haven't seen it

Original poster
user1492636556 · 20/04/2017 10:46

Yes he pays child support. He himself has a minimum wage job and a lot of debt that he's paying off. He's in no position to support himself properly either

OP posts:
usernumbernine · 20/04/2017 10:48

See. That's a different scenario to the one where other posters are saying he doesn't pay maintenance. He pays and he sees her regularly.

I think you're being unfair and I think if the boot was on the other foot, and he was moving away, you'd get a different range of responses.

Original poster
user1492636556 · 20/04/2017 10:50

Sorry I don't know how to reply to a specific person. New poster here!

OP posts:
Original poster
user1492636556 · 20/04/2017 10:53

To those calling me unfair/ spiteful or whatever. Using the information I've given you re: my current housing situation and my inability to secure a house in my area. WWYD then in my shoes?

OP posts:
randomuntrainedcuntowner · 20/04/2017 10:53

I agree with you op, those who are saying it is easy to get social housing is SE London are completely deluded. I have a friend who worked in housing in this area and even the most vulnerable clients could stay on waiting lists for years to decades.

liquidrevolution · 20/04/2017 10:54

I would go. In a couple of years your ex-partners situation may have changed and he may be able to offer accommodation for your DD but in the meantime you have to take this opportunity to keep things stable for her.

BUT you must facilitate contact as much as possible. A good long weekend each month in London plus skype sessions often. Since it is a b&b your parents are buying perhaps exP can also come stay sometimes as well.

EverybodysHappyNowadays · 20/04/2017 10:54

I can't believe there are people who are actively advising her to stay, tbh. The child will have an idyllic life with her mother and grandparents in a house/business that has plenty of room to accomodate a visiting NRP.

All people can suggest is that she gets herself into temporary accomodation and waits for the council to house her (do any of you watch the news?).

Her choices are finding herself in a benefit trap from which she can neither afford to stay in nor escape (which is a terrifying reality for many people) or living and working in the family business and an opportunity to become financially independent and provide for herself and her daughter.

I think some people are being spectacularly unreaslistic by saying she shouldn't go.

EverybodysHappyNowadays · 20/04/2017 10:54

I can't believe there are people who are actively advising her to stay, tbh. The child will have an idyllic life with her mother and grandparents in a house/business that has plenty of room to accomodate a visiting NRP.

All people can suggest is that she gets herself into temporary accomodation and waits for the council to house her (do any of you watch the news?).

Her choices are finding herself in a benefit trap from which she can neither afford to stay in nor escape (which is a terrifying reality for many people) or living and working in the family business and an opportunity to become financially independent and provide for herself and her daughter.

I think some people are being spectacularly unreaslistic by saying she shouldn't go.

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