More of a wwyd? Need advice..

[user1492636556]

Hello, looking for advice and not sure if this is the best place to post. Long time lurker, first time poster.

Im 24 and have a DD who's just turned 2. I split with her father during my pregnancy due to his and his families behaviour towards me when I fell pregnant. (Note he has had MH issues in the past and can still display very erratic explosive behaviour which often makes me question that he still suffers with these issues) I know he still has feelings for me, and continually expresses the desire to get back together, but I have made it clear to him that it's not what I want.

When we split we both had to move back into our parents houses due to not being able to afford renting separately. We live in SE London, where rent is sky high. I am really happy living back with my parents as they give me lots of support and they love having us living with them. I am a SAHM atm.

He is an absolute brilliant dad towards our DD and she adores him. He sees her every weekend. No overnights as he doesn't have much space at his parents, but takes her out all day sat and sun.

Here's my issue and I don't really know how to deal with it.

My parents have always wanted to move away from the area as they get older, and preferably somewhere by the coast. My DM and DF have recently found a property that they are really interested in buying. Problem is, it's a 7 hour + drive from where we live at the moment. Me and my DM went to have a look at the property recently, and it is absolutely beautiful. Massive house, lovely location, and lots of potential for my DD to have a wonderful outdoorsy lifestyle. There is also a business opportunity for my parents there as well, meaning I would be able to work for them as well, earning money.

If it wasnt for my DDs father I would absolutely have no hesitation about moving there.

I have no way of staying in the SE by myself. I'm on the council list but on the lowest priority meaning I'll be waiting years for a place. I cannot afford to privately rent. The only option for me is to move with my parents and DD.

I have obviously broached the issue as sensitively as I can with her dad. And understandably he's gone ballistic. Accusing me of taking his DD away from him. I just don't really know what to do, the potential of us moving is seriously affecting his mental health, which I do understand as I would feel exactly the same.

There isn't really the option of him packing up and moving to be near us either. There's nothing in the way of work for him there and he's on such a low income ATM he wouldn't be able to get a deposit or anything together.

I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or if they've been in a similar situation. I want my DD to continue having a fabulous relationship with her dad but if we move I can't see how this is going to work.

Apologies for such a long post. Thanks if you've got this far


I can't believe people on here are actually trying to hold the OP accountable for the decisions of her parents! If they are deciding to move away and that has always been their plan, regardless of any other circumstances, then that's what they are entitled to do! The suggestions that the OP ask/tell her parents to not move are ridiculous

OP, I can see that this is obviously a really tough decision for you to make but I think that maybe deep down you know what you want to do. I'm quite surprised that people are suggesting that you choose to struggle live in an area that would mean that you would really struggle financially and be without support, therefore impacting the quality of life of your child, over moving with your parents to live in a secure environment where there is heaps of support for you both. As shitty as this scenario may appear to your ex, he should also want the best for his child and if moving with your parents is the answer to that being achieved, then he should recognise that and work with you to arrange a way to manage things in terms of contact.

sorry reported multiple posts

Totally agree loulou

I think what you should do is to say you are going and that he will continue to pay maintenance. However, whenever he wants to visit, there will be a room for him to stay (sounds like your parents will have a big enough place) and that you will pay for his travel, so basically he can come whenever he wants at no cost except the time it takes.

I think some people are being spectacularly unrealistic by suggested she stay where she is, tbh.

Yes - the OP isn't making an elective move to get a promotion, second car or some fripperies, she will be homeless in a part of the country with no public housing stock and which sends the homeless to other parts of the country!

Imperial

Yes agree, if it goes ahead supporting his contact with accommodation/travel is only fair. I still would like to know his reaction to trying to find work in the nearest town/city to bring him within an hour or so of DD. If he is not prepared to consider a move for the sake of his DD then he maybe isn't as committed as he thinks (unless there is another tie/child in the area)

Go OP. I had the opportunity to move to France last year and took it! My ex is not a great dad tbh so it was easier for us to move as once he got over the initial shock he told me to just ' off already'. Saying that his parents speak to my 2 DDs every week and he does occasionally. It's the best thing I could have done for them. We have a much more relaxed, outdoor lifestyle. Give you DD this opportunity to enjoy her life. If her dad is that bothered there is a lot he can do to be closer/visit.

Your ex may not be able to get a job in the immediate vicinity of the place you're moving to, but surely he could look to get one elsewhere in Wales or somewhere accessible in the North of England? Maybe not immediately, but he must be living fairly cheaply whilst he's with his parents?

I really don't see any reason why your choices should be circumscribed by virtue of the fact that he can't move because he's chosen to get himself into debt.

I was thinking about this overnight. If I was in the same situation as your DC's father and by staying near me, my child would be brought up in a council house by their Dad in benefits, then I would want the better option for my child and if that meant moving several hours away then so be it. Yes I'd be sad and miss my DC terribly. Ifd be broken-hearted but I would be selfish to do anything else. I would prefer to see DC grow up in a nice environment, secure, with extended family. I would let her go because I loved her and wanted the best for her. I am saying this as a mum who lives with her children, who has been a parent full time.

Go OP. Be realistic. Do the best for you and your child. Living on benefits without family support is not the best thing to do.

Well said Theycalledmethewildrose

The thing is. If I did have a council property I would most likely stay in the SE. Putting my DD aside I myself have lived here my whole life, all my friends are here. But unfortunately it's just not going to be feasible to get one in the area I live in for a very long time. I'm on the lowest priority band, I think the average wait time for this band is looking about 7+ years.

user you asked for positive stories. I'll give you one...
Thirty years ago my uncle was engaged to a lovely woman. My uncle had some mental health issues, and was often in and out of work, chasing dreams and schemes but never quite coming through. The woman became pregnant before they married, and during the course of the pregnancy she decided she didn't want to get married after all, and wanted to bring up her child without living with him (although she was very keen to keep him in the sons life).
My uncle was devastated at the loss of his dream of having a family, but decided to make the best of the situation. He worked where and when he could, and always paid maintanance for his son. He maintained a good relationship with his son's mum, and saw his son twice a week, as arranged, making sure he was always there for him. He went to every parents evening and school meeting, and did all he could to be a dad.
When my uncle had to move in with his elderly mum due to money issues, he still made sure he kept up with the maintanance payments for his son, and he slept on the sofa during his son's overnight visits so his son could have his bed.
There were times when, for various reasons, either the mum or my uncle needed to move away from their home town. When this happened, they each just worked harder to ensure the relationship was maintained. For instance, when she moved away, my uncle would drive to her town to collect his son, and bring him back for long periods during the holidays, rather than seeing him more often for shorter times, as he had been used to when they lived nearer. The mum accept that this was necessary and facilitate these visits, and my uncle accepted that she needed to move, and that he had to adapt accordingly.
Over time, his son grew up and the father/son relationship remained strong and secure. When his son's mum got cancer and became very ill,
my uncle went to help his son nurse his mum, and was there to help his son bury his mum.
When my uncle died, his son was by his side.
That boy had a loving relationship with both his mum and his dad, and knew that they loved him. I'm sure that this was due in no small part to the commitment each parent made to maintaining a healthy relationship with each other for the sake of their son. But the commitment was on both sides.

The way I see your situation, OP, is that it is in the best interests of your daughter that you make this move. The discussion with your ex should focus on how best to facilitate him maintaining a good relationship, which is about him working out how and when to visit (you'll have a b&b, so a room could be made available for him to come to every fortnight for a weekend, for instance), and the pair of you coming to terms with this and making it work. You can help this by listening to his concerns, sympathising, and suggesting solutions. He needs to accept that this is happening, and make the best of it, if he wants to continue to be 'dad' in the future.

Thank you so much for sharing that story Amistillsexy!! It's good to know that it is possible to maintain a relationship with a parent regardless of location.

Would your parents be happy to facilitate him coming to stay with you all for contact? Xxx

If your ex is on a minimum wage and living with his parents it sounds like he hasn't got a lot going for him where he is.

There may not be any work for him in your new village, but why couldn't he move to Cardiff or somewhere a lot nearer to your new home and start sorting out getting a better job etc for himself? Did he get his degree? Is he qualified in anything?

Big lol @ the people saying she shouldn't go. What exactly do you think she should do instead?

Same to those saying "stand on your own two feet". So the OP should get a minimum wage job, pay for childcare and find a property in one of the most expensive cities in the world, as a single parent? (And that's instead of providing her child with a clearly much better life elsewhere) I suggest you try that and let us know how you get on?

SeaCabbage fanstastic idea. OP, what would your ex say if you suggested this to him?

He has been absolutely vile towards my parents in the past. But yes they would allow him to stay there for weekends or whatever if it meant him keeping up a relationship with my DD.

The problem is, he is not looking at this rationally. He has got it into his head, that I am doing this simply to spite him, and that's so far from the truth. His way of thinking comes across to me at times as very warped which makes me think that he is possibly exhibiting some signs of MH issues. He strongly denies this though and is adamant that I'm just this horrible bitch who just wants to take his DD from him.

Yes he did get a degree. He got a 1st in English. The problem is he has no ambition to make anything of himself. Hence sticking with a minimum wage job wit no route for progression. I've suggested in the past before all this that maybe he could consider going into teaching. And that while he was undertaking a PGCE I wouldn't ask for any maintenance from him while he studied in order to establish a better career so he might finally get out of debt. That was met with a load of excuses. I really have tried bending over backwards for him and I'm just tired of it now. He needs to take responsibility and if that means sucking up and moving away from his parents in order to be with his DD then so be it!!

I'd move if I was in your position. You sound like such a good mum and you know what this move could do for your DD's future. It will be hard but hopefully your ex will step up and make this as easy as possible for your DD. Good luck with it all OP

19lottie82 Great response! I completely agree with you, it's ridiculous.

Some people aren't worth arguing with, OP, because they will never be reasonable about things and I think in this case, the chances of your ex being understanding or reasonable are slim to none. The fact that he's been, as you say, vile to yourself and your parents in the past but you would all still be willing to accommodate him speaks volumes about him, and shows that you and your family are good decent people who wouldn't make a decision that wasn't in the best interest of you daughter.

This is a guy who's been to university, OP? He sounds really dysfunctional - I'm surprised he was able to stick that out. Did he graduate?

OP "The problem is, he is not looking at this rationally. He has got it into his head, that I am doing this simply to spite him, and that's so far from the truth. His way of thinking comes across to me at times as very warped which makes me think that he is possibly exhibiting some signs of MH issues. He strongly denies this though and is adamant that I'm just this horrible bitch who just wants to take his DD from him."

He does not sound very stable to me. Do you think this would be good for your dd long term, to be in contact with her dad who thinks you are a bitch because you don't want to be in a relationship with him. Eventually she will realise what her dad thinks of the mos important person in her. Please do nto deny your dd a wonderful new life to stay close to a man who may one day turn on her or she on him. You can still faciliatte a relationship.

I think it is really difficult and I don't think there is an easy answer. Him moving to Cardiff or even Bristol would make the contact easier, depending on where you are in Wales. If its North Wales maybe Wrexham or Manchester? I'm not that great on geography but you get what I mean.

As a grandparent I do think your parents could look nearer to home, if they want beaches you don't have to go to rural Wales. Surely a B and B nearer to London is likely to have a longer season and more potential?

Living by the beach isn't everything. We moved from industrial midlands when my husband became disabled and moved to the coast. Both of the younger children came with us, the older 2 were grown up and 15 year age gap between 2nd and 3rd. Both the younger children chose universities in the industrial midlands and have made their lives between 100 and 200 miles from us. They like coming back for visits but on balance both would have chosen to stay where we were.

I do think 7 hrs is a hell of a journey for a young child twice in a weekend every fortnight or month. I wouldn't inflict that on her if it was me but each to their own.

Have you thought of taking him to see the place to show him what is on offer for your daughter, that might persuade him but not guaranteed as some people would think the opportunities in London outweigh a pretty view.

I don't envy you in making the decision.