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Original poster

More of a wwyd? Need advice..

527 replies

user1492636556 · 19/04/2017 22:21

Hello, looking for advice and not sure if this is the best place to post. Long time lurker, first time poster.

Im 24 and have a DD who's just turned 2. I split with her father during my pregnancy due to his and his families behaviour towards me when I fell pregnant. (Note he has had MH issues in the past and can still display very erratic explosive behaviour which often makes me question that he still suffers with these issues) I know he still has feelings for me, and continually expresses the desire to get back together, but I have made it clear to him that it's not what I want.

When we split we both had to move back into our parents houses due to not being able to afford renting separately. We live in SE London, where rent is sky high. I am really happy living back with my parents as they give me lots of support and they love having us living with them. I am a SAHM atm.

He is an absolute brilliant dad towards our DD and she adores him. He sees her every weekend. No overnights as he doesn't have much space at his parents, but takes her out all day sat and sun.

Here's my issue and I don't really know how to deal with it.

My parents have always wanted to move away from the area as they get older, and preferably somewhere by the coast. My DM and DF have recently found a property that they are really interested in buying. Problem is, it's a 7 hour + drive from where we live at the moment. Me and my DM went to have a look at the property recently, and it is absolutely beautiful. Massive house, lovely location, and lots of potential for my DD to have a wonderful outdoorsy lifestyle. There is also a business opportunity for my parents there as well, meaning I would be able to work for them as well, earning money.

If it wasnt for my DDs father I would absolutely have no hesitation about moving there.

I have no way of staying in the SE by myself. I'm on the council list but on the lowest priority meaning I'll be waiting years for a place. I cannot afford to privately rent. The only option for me is to move with my parents and DD.

I have obviously broached the issue as sensitively as I can with her dad. And understandably he's gone ballistic. Accusing me of taking his DD away from him. I just don't really know what to do, the potential of us moving is seriously affecting his mental health, which I do understand as I would feel exactly the same.

There isn't really the option of him packing up and moving to be near us either. There's nothing in the way of work for him there and he's on such a low income ATM he wouldn't be able to get a deposit or anything together.

I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or if they've been in a similar situation. I want my DD to continue having a fabulous relationship with her dad but if we move I can't see how this is going to work.

Apologies for such a long post. Thanks if you've got this far


OP posts:
EverybodysHappyNowadays · 20/04/2017 09:13

I typed out a huge reply, but actually it boiled down to:

Just go. Create the perfect idyllic life your yourself and your daughter. He isn't willing or able to do that for his daughter, so you must.

I would work with your parents to offer to accommodate him for contact weekends in the new house.

One2another · 20/04/2017 09:13

Say for example the move is to the Scottish highlands. OP has said there is no job opportunity for xp nearby. However there must be some work for him nearer, even if he was to live to the fife area for example, cheaper private rent, jobs and only a couple of hours max away. Can't he make the sacrifice and try to be nearer his dd?

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/04/2017 09:23

So the ex should move to the outer hebrides if he wants to see his dd. How easy is it for him to pick up work.

You have to fast forward to 10/15 years from now. You are living with your parents 7 hours from London in the middle of nowhere. Your ex will have got job place of his own maybe a new wife kids and living in London. Dd is bored/ has an argument with you and decides that she should go and live with her dad.

Then it is your choice. Go and move back to London, get a job etc to be near to your dd or make the 7 hours journey every other week.

At the end of the day you can't waft through life not taking responsibility for yourself.

Wallywobbles · 20/04/2017 09:27

If my ex were taking my D.C. 7 hours away I'd be looking at a court order to stop it. I'm in France and I'd get it. Are you sure that you can do this legally?

I stayed in France after my divorce, in part to facilitate my DCs relationship with their Dad.

Hogs · 20/04/2017 09:32

Legally there should be no problems at all because OP is the parent with care and the father can't even provide a bedroom. Even if it went to court, the court would likely rule that the child stays with her mother because she is the resident parent, and always has been. The father doesn't even have overnight visits.

EverybodysHappyNowadays · 20/04/2017 09:35

Yes, people are advising from the vantage point of their relationships and their lives. Not the OP's.

kohl · 20/04/2017 09:35

I think you have no choice but to move OP. The thing you have to focus on now is how you will maintain good contact between your DD and her father. would it be feasible for you each to do the journey fortnightly or at least monthly - by flying? And then staying the weekend? Not ideal, I know, as it will involve him staying with you, and you staying with him, at least for the next 5 years, but that may be the only option to maintain their relationship. Or could you stay with friends whilst DD is with her Dad?

C8H10N4O2 · 20/04/2017 09:35

Where do all the PPs live that their local council house single mothers with only one child?

Most London/SE councils have so little stock that one child gets you at best a regularly changing series of temp addresses which are (a) horrible (b) not stable for a child growing up
Most private landlords won't take people on HB even if the OP had the money for a deposit - she has said she doesn't

Why would the father block a better future for his daughter so that he doesn't have to make any change to his own life? There may not be much work for him in the village her parents are aiming for but OP has said its within 60K of Glasgow or Edinburgh airports - 2 large cities.

There are cheap flights to both which would cut out the 7 hours by road.

I tend to veer on the side of compromising a job promotion to keep the family closer but here the choice is the OP faces is homelessness vs a good quality of life for her daughter. Potentially if DF moves to the nearest city they all get a better life than they can hope for in London.

OP if you were prepared to help and support him in a jobsearch in Glasgow/Edinburgh or nearest main town what would his reaction be?

usernumbernine · 20/04/2017 09:37

If it's Scotland, as the op has hinted, then that might be more difficult as it's a separate legal jurisdiction? (Not sure - but either way the father can apply for a prohibited steps order and it would be usual for the op not be allowed to move until the case is heard)

CardinalCat · 20/04/2017 09:38

Would it be feasible for your ex to come through to you on a Friday evening after work (even if it means arriving after midnight), and to stay with you (or in a B&B nearby) and leave again on a sunday afternoon or evening , say every third or fourth week or so? That way the relationship is maintained, and he gets real quality time with her?

I think in your shoes you have very little option but to move. On the one hand, fantastic location (I presume) with loving grandparents on hand, providing childcare so that you can get back to work should you choose. On the other hand, you could stuck in inner city London on a housing list, on benefits with a volatile ex being awful to you?

it's a no brainer. This is his issue to sort out, but you have a duty to be as helpful as possible in making it work for him.

C8H10N4O2 · 20/04/2017 09:39

So the ex should move to the outer hebrides if he wants to see his dd. How easy is it for him to pick up work.

No he should at least consider and look into finding work in one of the major cities within an hour or two of the location, or possible smaller towns which are even closer. That is if he wants what is best for his DD rather than simply have nothing change and to retain control

StillLostDaddy · 20/04/2017 09:44

Can I just say that if you DO decide to go, be prepared for the possibility (emphasis on the word POSSIBILITY - MN WARRIORS, I am NOT saying he will!!!) say the week before you're due to leave, of him taking her for the usual contact and then trying the 'not returning her' card....

I would do what is best for your daughter. Without the issues with him & his family, and he was father of the year etc, I'd say try harder to stay here. But as a single mum myself who knows very well how hard it is, I'd say it's in your daughter's best interests to go!!!! Flowers

Hogs · 20/04/2017 09:45

Just in case nobody has alreasy said this: if you are worried about any legalities then you can get a half hour consultation with many solicitors for free. Book an appointment and have a chat with one.

StillLostDaddy · 20/04/2017 09:48

Also, be aware that he may try to obtain a Prohibited Steps Order to legal prevent you from moving. So if you do decide to go, you need to try keep him on side as long as possible..... Sneaky but has to be done

EverybodysHappyNowadays · 20/04/2017 09:48

I would like to think that a court would allow a mother to move 7 hours away with her child for a better quality of life than they currently have than force them to become homeless and live in poverty for the sake of a dad who's never even had his child overnight. This dad can't even provide a bed for his daughter. This is one of the most basic parenting requirements.

She also can't make a decision based on a hypothetical scenario 15-20 years in the future. She can only make a decision based on the hand she is currenlty holding.

lotusbomb · 20/04/2017 09:58

@EverybodysHappyNowadays I would like to think that a court would allow a mother to move 7 hours away with her child for a better quality of life than they currently have than force them to become homeless and live in poverty for the sake of a dad who's never even had his child overnight.

They probably would. I had to get a court order when I moved albeit overseas and her father showing very little interest. What it boils down to is whether the move is in the best interests of the child and whether the parent is moving to frustrate contact between the child and the other parent. Since the OP is not moving out of spite or malice and along with her family would be able to provide a better life for her DD more so than she would staying in London without family support, a court is likely to allow it.

123bananas · 20/04/2017 09:59

I would go. I lived in a hostel when dd1 was a newborn, my next door neighbour smoked crack in his room. Temporary accomodation was expensive and even once I got a job we were on the bread line due to the rent even with HB.

We live out of London now and have a much better quality of life. Also near to family. Even once you start working you will need help with childcare, small children often pick up illnesses at nursery or school so emergency childcare from your parents is invaluable. Not to say her Dad couldn't provide this, but he sounds less reliable.

If it is anywhere near the Moray Firth OP then Inverness Airport also has flights to Gatwick. Takes about 2 hours with check in. My Grandmother lived up that way, beautiful area.

Hogs · 20/04/2017 09:59

Yes, especially if OP can show how she will facilitate the relationship between child and father.

And that's if it even went to court in the first place...

Foxysoxy01 · 20/04/2017 10:05

I really think you taking DD 7 hours away from her dad is quite horrific but understand you have very limited options.

I don't want this to sound really harsh but you decided to have your DC knowing who her DF is and also knowing his mental health, monetary and living situation so you really cannot use those things as any sort of excuse.

However you not being able to afford to live independently from your parents is a different matter and one that it is up to you to deal with.

Basically you can move with your parents but know that your ex will understandably be VERY upset and you really will have to make it easy for him to see her more than once a month! So maybe him staying at your new home twice a month and your DD going to him for a weekend once a month.
You also need to realise that your DD will probably feel quite resentful as she gets older that you took her away from her father.

Or you have the option to start a life on your own. You may have to move a little further away from where you are now and would have to hound the council/find a job/get a support network that isn't your parents. Lots of People have managed this and you can too but you need to actively push on. You can afford to live near London as a single parent you will need to get your parents to say you are going to be homeless and prove to the council why you need to be near to where you are now (DD dad/Support network/nursery/etc)

Ultimately it is your choice but I think you need to really think through the consequences.

Allthewaves · 20/04/2017 10:07

Would you consider letting him have dd one wk a month until she starts school? I get there's not much space but even if she had his bed and he slept in the sofa or the floor - it would be worth it to keep contact.

Then he could have her school holidays

booksandhearts · 20/04/2017 10:07

does your council offer a discretionary housing payment, this can be used for your deposit, or month in advance,

If you found a property to rent, obviously within reason you will get housing benefits, maybe get a part time job to top up your rent?

If you really wanted to do it, you would do it, you just clearly don't want to!

Original poster
user1492636556 · 20/04/2017 10:09

The property isn't in Scotland, but it is in a very remote part of Wales. Technically the distance is only something like 270 miles away which isn't really that bad if you were traveling all by motorway. But unfortunately a lot of the driving is down country lanes which equates to about 7 hours travel.

Yes it is a seasonal b&b. With a a lot of potential for making it a very profitable business. It is very popular hotspot for walkers and people interested in the local wildlife. It's an area protected by the national trust, so it's literally just this village in the middle of nowhere. Which means there is hardly any opportunity for my ex to move and work there.

Me and my DM have been to see the property and it's absolutely beautiful and I can picture me and my daughter having such a wonderful way of life out there. The current business is very profitable and I would work for my parents in the b&b meaning I would actually be able to earn a lot of money for me and my DD to maybe eventually buy my own property.

The only issue is with her dad. He's obviously furious with the situation which I do understand, but I don't exactly have a lot of choice.

OP posts:
usernumbernine · 20/04/2017 10:11

Does her dad work and does he currently pay maintenance?

EverybodysHappyNowadays · 20/04/2017 10:14

What is the nursery/school provision like round there?

Will you be able to facilitate her friendships?

Some of Wales is very remote!! Beautiful mind...

EverybodysHappyNowadays · 20/04/2017 10:14

Tbh, with a b&b you should be able to provide him with free contact accomodation, shouldn't you?

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