More of a wwyd? Need advice..

[user1492636556]

Hello, looking for advice and not sure if this is the best place to post. Long time lurker, first time poster.

Im 24 and have a DD who's just turned 2. I split with her father during my pregnancy due to his and his families behaviour towards me when I fell pregnant. (Note he has had MH issues in the past and can still display very erratic explosive behaviour which often makes me question that he still suffers with these issues) I know he still has feelings for me, and continually expresses the desire to get back together, but I have made it clear to him that it's not what I want.

When we split we both had to move back into our parents houses due to not being able to afford renting separately. We live in SE London, where rent is sky high. I am really happy living back with my parents as they give me lots of support and they love having us living with them. I am a SAHM atm.

He is an absolute brilliant dad towards our DD and she adores him. He sees her every weekend. No overnights as he doesn't have much space at his parents, but takes her out all day sat and sun.

Here's my issue and I don't really know how to deal with it.

My parents have always wanted to move away from the area as they get older, and preferably somewhere by the coast. My DM and DF have recently found a property that they are really interested in buying. Problem is, it's a 7 hour + drive from where we live at the moment. Me and my DM went to have a look at the property recently, and it is absolutely beautiful. Massive house, lovely location, and lots of potential for my DD to have a wonderful outdoorsy lifestyle. There is also a business opportunity for my parents there as well, meaning I would be able to work for them as well, earning money.

If it wasnt for my DDs father I would absolutely have no hesitation about moving there.

I have no way of staying in the SE by myself. I'm on the council list but on the lowest priority meaning I'll be waiting years for a place. I cannot afford to privately rent. The only option for me is to move with my parents and DD.

I have obviously broached the issue as sensitively as I can with her dad. And understandably he's gone ballistic. Accusing me of taking his DD away from him. I just don't really know what to do, the potential of us moving is seriously affecting his mental health, which I do understand as I would feel exactly the same.

There isn't really the option of him packing up and moving to be near us either. There's nothing in the way of work for him there and he's on such a low income ATM he wouldn't be able to get a deposit or anything together.

I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or if they've been in a similar situation. I want my DD to continue having a fabulous relationship with her dad but if we move I can't see how this is going to work.

Apologies for such a long post. Thanks if you've got this far


She's not "mooching" off her parents, don't be so rude. Her parents are supporting her, a very important role when there is a small child in the family. It's not forever, it's the reality of being a new parent with no partner.

OP just go. It sounds like a fantastic opportunity and if he is such a great and devoted dad, he'll find a way to keep in contact.

She needs to take responsibility for her own life and that of her DD and stand on her own two feet.

It's unfair to take a child that far from a parent with whom they have a good relationship.

I said that in the ithernthread which is the reverse of this and I say the same here.

The double standards here are shocking.

Well no user the dd has two parents and they both need to take steps to provide their child's basic needs.

A secure roof over her head, food, a bed to sleep in, clothing, an education.

What is the little girls dad doing to provide these basic needs?

I would move. It sounds like your daughter will have a better quality of life, as will you. You do the bulk of the childcare, it's your decision and your responsibility.

It will not "destroy" the relationship with her father, but just change it. There are also things you can do to mitigate them missing each other (Skype is a wonderful thing).

Good luck :)

I agree it seems terrible to take the girl miles away from her dad, but completely unfair to expect op to take all the responsibility.

You could say given the dad has no ties and no means to support his dd in London he should stand on his own two feet and move closer.

Don't blame the whole situation on op.

Oh, as I got sidetracked: I moved 2 hours away when my daughter was 7. Her life is much, much better and despite much wailing and gnashing of teeth from her father, he barely sees her because he can't be arsed.

You will not have any legal difficulties at all either. You are the parent with care.

Well quite, Kalizahara. The dad can make a life where he chooses - mum, on the other hand, has to make choices that are in the best interest of the child. If the dad feels that he needs to be closer then he can move closer as he has no ties.

Why don't you work, could you go back to work as that would help your ability to pay rent..
I think you are being very unfair to your dc in depriving her of the right to having a relationship to her father ..especially as he is interested and involved with her..

your parents could make you homeless and yes you may end up in a b&b for a bit or temporary accommodation for a bit but you would eventually get housed ....or they could help you with a deposit you could get a job/live on benefits whilst shes young and work later..

You are not stopping them doing what they want - but it is not just up to you now.....you sound like a child/teen not an adult....

millions of people live in Birmingham and Manchester (and this is a bit of an urban myth anyway and as they will try and house near your dds father although maybe not in the same borough) so maybe that would be a better option if you don't get housed in se London and they are only 1.5hr away not 7 ..

I've read the full thread now OP and one thing that really stood out for me as that your parents are not only emotionally but financially supporting you to look after your DD, so if they moved without you - you would completely lose your support network. Your DD sees her Dad 2 days a week at weekends but has never stayed overnight with him. So in the 2 years of her life, he's made no effort to find a home for himself where he can be with his DD properly.

It's a no brainer for me, as a Mum I always put my DDs needs before my own and on occasion my DHs. She will have a far better life this way than you ending up on some grotty rough council estate somewhere and if he can't see that that is best for his DD, then shame on him.

However, you could always offer him the chance to provide you with a better alternative? And see what he comes up with before making a final decision.

Not sure that being in a b&b for 500 years and then shipped to Manchester is a better option for a single mum and small child just to facilitate a relationship with a father who can't even provide overnight visits?

The father can move closer. Why should a single mum struggle with accommodation and childcare to facilitate a few hours of contact a week? If they had 50/50 childcare it might be different, but they don't.

Right so op should become intentionally homeless with her daughter, live in a b&b who's knows where, for who knows how long. End up in a council accommodation who knows where.

Her ex does what exactly?

Why is it 100% ops responsibility to facilitate her ex. Where does his responsibility lie?

I'm also appalled at the idea that B&B / temp housing and waiting for a council flat is better for your daughter. Of course lots of people do this and their kids are loved and grow up just fine. But I'm sure the vast majority with the chance for their kids to live in a nice house with garden, beaches nearby and a village community would grab the chance with both hands.

Agree with others that the father is a young man and if he has done nothing about finding work and getting his own place over the last two years then why on earth should you hold yourself back??

As I said in my other post I grew up far away from my father after divorce and it does not have to spell the end of the relationship!!

Choose your family over a young x with mental health issues
Choose security over a lack of security
Choose certainty over blind faith

I'm not just typing this. I did the same, allowed my family to look after me & kids and they've had a much better life for it. There'd be no way on earth I could have paid for chess club, coding club, drama, dance etc if I'd been living as a single parent in London. I feel no guilt. He has never been prevented from being a father. That is on him. You can't make them be good fathers by making it convenient at your own expense.

OP I feel very sorry for you. Other posters are being ridiculous to suggest that you just present yourself as homeless. You'll be placed in a b+b and that could be anywhere in the country. In a previous job I used to support people in presenting as homeless. Emergency accommodation is grim and miserable.

Those who suggest that you get a job and private rental are living in fantasy world. Do they know the cost of privately renting and childcare?

I cant believe the things people are saying here about the dad. That he doesnt matter as he only sees her twice a eeek. But that is all he is allowed to see her. Obviously he wasnt right in his reaction to the pregnancy but op.is saying he has become a good father. My ds has a dd who lives with her mother bit he sees every second weekend. If that dm moved 7 hours away my ds would be devastated and so would we. He would do everything legally in his power to stop her . I dont condone anger but if someone had taken my dc away 7 hours journey and l felt l had no control to stop them l would be angry.
Please op do not take your dc away from her dad. You may suffer when she is a teenager and blames you for the lack of relationship. Surely your dps can see this.
Im absolutely shocked you are being supported by everyone here to do this to your dd and to her df. You are looking at a future wbere she will be 7 hours away from you for long intervals. I know a girl who spends the whole summer with her df who lives a flight away. Are you ready for that type of life.. DONT DO IT.

this was what happened to my DH. His DH moved 5 hours away with him. So his DP alternate in who to bring him to meet who but most of the time, it was his DM who travelled the journey as she did not have a job and does not pay for childcare.

Most of the time, they meet in the middle. Needless to say, it was my DH who suffered.

It's unfair to take a child that far from a parent with whom they have a good relationship.

How could it possibly be better for the OP and her child to lose her support network and live on benefits in the SE rather than move to a lovely part of the country where OP can work and have a good quality of life? She is lucky to have the opportunity for a fresh start. Unfortunately the father is not in a position to support his child so it's up to the mother to do the best she can. They can keep in touch with video calls and monthly visits.

this was what happened to my DH. His DF moved 5 hours away with him. So his DP alternate in who to bring him to meet who but most of the time, it was his DM who travelled the journey as she did not have a job and does not pay for childcare.

Most of the time, they meet in the middle. Needless to say, it was my DH who suffered.

Does your ex work? Pay maintenance? Where does the money come from that you live on?

presenting oneself as homeless would be absolutely ridiculous. (I think that is an excellent solution in cases of domestic abuse though). However in this case the OP needs to get out of that mindset where she is bending over so far backwards to accommodate her x's half-assed fathering that it compromises her own future and opportunities.

There is nothing to stop a man being a good father and when the OP is doing all of the parenting then making that tiny slot he does super convenient for him at the expense of having a good life for herself and her daughter then that is just crazy.

No doubt some MRA types would call it differently but i think more mature men (not necessarily older) would want their child to have the best start in life.

I agree that those suggesting OP 'just' gets a job and rent are living in a fantasy land.. I had over a decade's experience in my field in the city of london which counted for very little in a small town believe me. I could have earned little more than minimum wage if I were working around school hours. And who would have picked up the flack? My parents? The deal was they provided a roof for us when it wouldn't have been cost effective for me to work anyway. Even later when I had a part time job and the dc were both at school I found making workign work problematic. I did it but it's not always a case of 'just' work, and 'just rent privately'. The naivety. When the OP is at the stage in her life where she has a toddler, not even at school yet (!) then it'd make sense to choose her parents support. Later when the child is at school she will have some freedom to work without it being an utterly pointless venture. And she'll still only be 26! It won't be difficult to get back in to the job market at 26!!

I have been in a position where 90% of my situation was the same as yours. I moved. From what you've written, you should too. Good luck.

Put your DD right at the centre of this and then do a list of pros/cons in relation to moving then do one in relation to staying. Work out overall what is best for your DD and commit to that option. Good luck. Not an easy decision to make.

I would go. My situation is somewhat different in that my son's dad lives a five minute walk away and still often doesn't show up. Two weeks ago he put a football match over having him overnight. An overnight which was extra to usual and he'd asked me for, then only let me know an hour before he was coming that it wouldn't be happening. He's never provided any actual parenting, money, roof over head etc.

It does sound as though your daughter's dad is better than that, though. Is the business a b&b? If so, would your parents be willing to allow him to stay in a room for free to make things easier? You might also meet someone else and not want to live with your parents forever. Since you've mentioned there is no work for him there, could this be an issue for you in future if you want to move out and find a new job?

Neither the OP or her ex-partner sound as though they can effectively support their DD, it seems to be her parents who are able to do this. Therefore in reality they get to make the choices and their choice is to relocate and make a new life. The OP and the father will have to adapt to the new reality as best they can, I don't really see any alternative to this. I understand why the ex-partner is upset but he isn't able to offer an effective alternative so he will have to tolerate it. The OP isn't able to offer an alternative even if she wanted to, so she too will have to go with it. The positive is that grandparents sound committed to OP and her DD and are supporting them both.

If housing is cheaper where you are moving to then suggest to the ex that he moves there.

Ignore the trolls name-calling you. You have no choice but to go with your parents.