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Original poster

More of a wwyd? Need advice..

527 replies

user1492636556 · 19/04/2017 22:21

Hello, looking for advice and not sure if this is the best place to post. Long time lurker, first time poster.

Im 24 and have a DD who's just turned 2. I split with her father during my pregnancy due to his and his families behaviour towards me when I fell pregnant. (Note he has had MH issues in the past and can still display very erratic explosive behaviour which often makes me question that he still suffers with these issues) I know he still has feelings for me, and continually expresses the desire to get back together, but I have made it clear to him that it's not what I want.

When we split we both had to move back into our parents houses due to not being able to afford renting separately. We live in SE London, where rent is sky high. I am really happy living back with my parents as they give me lots of support and they love having us living with them. I am a SAHM atm.

He is an absolute brilliant dad towards our DD and she adores him. He sees her every weekend. No overnights as he doesn't have much space at his parents, but takes her out all day sat and sun.

Here's my issue and I don't really know how to deal with it.

My parents have always wanted to move away from the area as they get older, and preferably somewhere by the coast. My DM and DF have recently found a property that they are really interested in buying. Problem is, it's a 7 hour + drive from where we live at the moment. Me and my DM went to have a look at the property recently, and it is absolutely beautiful. Massive house, lovely location, and lots of potential for my DD to have a wonderful outdoorsy lifestyle. There is also a business opportunity for my parents there as well, meaning I would be able to work for them as well, earning money.

If it wasnt for my DDs father I would absolutely have no hesitation about moving there.

I have no way of staying in the SE by myself. I'm on the council list but on the lowest priority meaning I'll be waiting years for a place. I cannot afford to privately rent. The only option for me is to move with my parents and DD.

I have obviously broached the issue as sensitively as I can with her dad. And understandably he's gone ballistic. Accusing me of taking his DD away from him. I just don't really know what to do, the potential of us moving is seriously affecting his mental health, which I do understand as I would feel exactly the same.

There isn't really the option of him packing up and moving to be near us either. There's nothing in the way of work for him there and he's on such a low income ATM he wouldn't be able to get a deposit or anything together.

I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or if they've been in a similar situation. I want my DD to continue having a fabulous relationship with her dad but if we move I can't see how this is going to work.

Apologies for such a long post. Thanks if you've got this far


OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/04/2017 18:18

No more "nice" than the condescending claptrap being spouted by the "just make yourself homeless" brigade

Original poster
user1492636556 · 20/04/2017 18:20

In order to lead a decent lifestyle in London nowadays you need to have money, which I don't have much of.

OP posts:
JaneEyre70 · 20/04/2017 18:20

At the end of the day OP it was his behaviour that led to your split. If he'd behaved better towards you, you'd be raising your DD together. He kind of lost the right to dictate your choices when he became abusive towards you. Do what's right for your DD and you but still allow fair and reasonable access. That way, you are thinking of all of you.

Hogs · 20/04/2017 18:38

OP, go and see a lawyer. They will reassure you that no judge is going to prohibit your move. The courts are loathe to get involved in children's proceedings these days, and much prefer parents to sort it out themselves. Moreover, he cannot provide. You do not share childcare 50/50 so you can offer the same contact that he has now - he just has to get off his ass.
Do the right thing for you and your girl. X

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/04/2017 18:50

If you do go and move to rural Wales miles from anywhere how do you plan on sticking to every other weekend if you get snowed in. For weeks on end.

Do you drive?

What happens when the roads are too treacherous for your ex to return your dd back to you.

Or you are not able to get out of the house to get dd to your ex.

What happens if the business fails. What happens when your dps health fails are you capable of looking after them and the business or what happens if they in a few years decide to retire and sell up and move again will you go with them.

I have many single parent friends who live in and around London. Some are on benefits some have been down the homelessness route and been housed in B&b accommodation whilst they were waiting for a place. At least two were moved out to Northern towns before swapping back to London.

From where I am standing it seems atm everyone thinks your ex is bullying you to stay whilst I think your parents are also manipulating you to go with promises they cannot be sure they can keep.

You are 24 op. Do you really want to be stuck miles from anywhere for the next 10 15 years by which time you could be nudging 40 and find your self in exactly the same position as you do now.

I wonder has it been muted that one day all of it will be yours.

We all know how that ends.

loverlybunchofcoconuts · 20/04/2017 18:59

*Do you really want to be stuck miles from anywhere for the next 10 15 years by which time you could be nudging 40 and find your self in exactly the same position as you do now.

I wonder has it been muted that one day all of it will be yours. *
As the OP said, just because you wouldn't want to live in the countryside, it doesn't make it 'miles from anywhere'. Thousands of people live very happily in villages like the one the Op describes, they aren't all sobbing alone in their room! They meet other people, marry, have nice lives!
Suggesting that the OP is being lured solely to get an inheritance one day is very cynical, and a bit insulting to the OP too.

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/04/2017 19:05

The op said it is miles from anywhere as it takes 7 hours to do a 270 mile trip

Ceto · 20/04/2017 19:06

If your ex has a first class degree, he has more flexibility in terms of where he lives than most. I would have thought he ought to be entirely capable of getting a job somewhere within reasonable travelling distance in Wales, and the cost of living would be cheaper there too.

Roads in Wales very rarely get snowed in for weeks on end.

AnyFucker · 20/04/2017 19:18

Snowed in for weeks on end ?

It's not Alaska. West Wales doesn't see snow for years on end.

Original poster
user1492636556 · 20/04/2017 19:24

@Oliversmumsarmy Life is so full of 'what ifs'. None of us know what the futures going to hold for any of us. Your life could suddenly turn completely upside down due to illness, job loss or whatever, so I really don't appreciate the patronising lecture.

There's millions of people living up and down the country in little villages. It's absolutely doable.

There's plenty of farmers around anyway so hopefully one of them will get me out of the deep snow Wink

OP posts:
loverlybunchofcoconuts · 20/04/2017 19:26

The op said it is miles from anywhere as it takes 7 hours to do a 270 mile trip.

No, the OP said it was 7 hrs from London, that doesn't mean there is nothing there! What the OP actually said about the place is:
It has a lovely village school, and obviously they have a huge community spirit amongst the residents. They hold lots of events at the village hall and the church.

Its quite funny how much some people think anywhere outside a city is a wilderness - snowed in for weeks, and I saw another thread that said you shouldn't move to Wales if might ever need a hospital, as you may live an hour from one!
It's fine not too fancy living in the country, but that doesn't make it dangerous, unpleasant, and hopeless in terms of having a future!

exWifebeginsat40 · 20/04/2017 19:28

OP, you are being obtuse. could your parents pay a deposit on a private rental in/near where you are now? could you work part time to top up rent?

if you do it this way round your daughter will have fantastic holidays in Wales, and a relationship with her father. which is a double win for her, surely?

Original poster
user1492636556 · 20/04/2017 19:30

It's going to be a fabulous adventure for me and my DD. Not many people would ever experience this opportunity. If I told you where it actually was, you'd all be wanting to buy it yourselves.

At the end of the day of course my DD is still going to see her dad, and I'll make sure that I do what I can to keep up thief relationship, like I've done this whole time.

OP posts:
usernumbernine · 20/04/2017 19:32

The most likely thing, if your ex takes it to court, is that you will be ordered to do all the travel bringing your daughter to her dad in London. You will have to cover the cost of this and find the time.

You really should go and get some legal advice to find out where you stand.

Original poster
user1492636556 · 20/04/2017 19:35

@exWifebeginsat40 If your calling me obtuse which means basically means 'stupid and thick' then that's just plain rude. You clearly haven't read my entire thread, otherwise you'd know my parents don't have the money for deposit.

OP posts:
loulou1626 · 20/04/2017 19:38

Bloody hell, all the ridiculous what ifs people are saying! There are plenty of what ifs in regards her staying where she is too, and those ones are more likely to involve seriously unpleasant scenarios. She's not moving to the middle of nowhere and it's quite clear that a lot of research has been done about the area.

OP, it sounds lovely and you know what? If it ends up being somewhere you don't want to be, you'll be in a position to save some money and move to a suitable and affordable location, but it sounds lovely so I'm sure you'll be fine Smile

AnyFucker · 20/04/2017 19:41

The condescension and highhandedness shown towards this young single mum trying to make a life for herself by some on this thread is fucking disgraceful.

user1492636556 · 20/04/2017 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

claritytobeclear · 20/04/2017 19:45

I can't really imagine the DD's Dad getting a shit hot solicitor somehow, in any case....

Allthewaves · 20/04/2017 19:46

Would u let her stay with her dad one wk a month until she starts school? Surely she could sleep.in his bed and he could have the sofa

AnyFucker · 20/04/2017 19:47

It's a way to keep you in your place, user

A well known abusive tactic. Scare the shit out of you so you stay in a crap situation. Just like your ex tries to do. Thankfully, you are having none of it.

usernumbernine · 20/04/2017 19:49

I have advised you to go and get proper legal advice, so you are prepared for what your ex might do. I have never ever EVER said that a judge will definitely order one thing or another. I have said this is what might happen, a judge would most likely order this or that. But I have NEVER said that a judge will order one thing or another.

I have asked a few times if the contact currently in place is court ordered or if it was just organised between yourselves for the reason that it is easier to change if it has been informal custom and practice and that it puts your ex in a stronger position if you have broken a court order (as you would be doing if you failed to make your DD available for contact every other weekend all day Saturday and Sunday if it was court ordered)

randomuntrainedcuntowner · 20/04/2017 19:51

I really don't see how any court can prevent the 100% resident parent from accepting accommodation and employment within the uk when she would otherwise be made homeless, purely on the basis that it would make visitation a little bit more difficult (but not impossible) to a non-resident parent who doesn't even have her over night.

Go - let him come and see her whenever he wants, and let him take you to court if he must. What will they do? Bring her back?! To where? You are not blocking access, al he has to do is buy a bus ticket every few weeks, it is not like you are moving to Australia!!!

claritytobeclear · 20/04/2017 19:51

It's academic really though, usernumbernine, if the only chance the OP has got of not being homeless in the immediate future, is by moving away with her parents.

usernumbernine · 20/04/2017 19:51

AnyFucker I have not been abusive to the OP and that accusation that I am using an abuser tactic is baseless.

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