More of a wwyd? Need advice..

[user1492636556]

Hello, looking for advice and not sure if this is the best place to post. Long time lurker, first time poster.

Im 24 and have a DD who's just turned 2. I split with her father during my pregnancy due to his and his families behaviour towards me when I fell pregnant. (Note he has had MH issues in the past and can still display very erratic explosive behaviour which often makes me question that he still suffers with these issues) I know he still has feelings for me, and continually expresses the desire to get back together, but I have made it clear to him that it's not what I want.

When we split we both had to move back into our parents houses due to not being able to afford renting separately. We live in SE London, where rent is sky high. I am really happy living back with my parents as they give me lots of support and they love having us living with them. I am a SAHM atm.

He is an absolute brilliant dad towards our DD and she adores him. He sees her every weekend. No overnights as he doesn't have much space at his parents, but takes her out all day sat and sun.

Here's my issue and I don't really know how to deal with it.

My parents have always wanted to move away from the area as they get older, and preferably somewhere by the coast. My DM and DF have recently found a property that they are really interested in buying. Problem is, it's a 7 hour + drive from where we live at the moment. Me and my DM went to have a look at the property recently, and it is absolutely beautiful. Massive house, lovely location, and lots of potential for my DD to have a wonderful outdoorsy lifestyle. There is also a business opportunity for my parents there as well, meaning I would be able to work for them as well, earning money.

If it wasnt for my DDs father I would absolutely have no hesitation about moving there.

I have no way of staying in the SE by myself. I'm on the council list but on the lowest priority meaning I'll be waiting years for a place. I cannot afford to privately rent. The only option for me is to move with my parents and DD.

I have obviously broached the issue as sensitively as I can with her dad. And understandably he's gone ballistic. Accusing me of taking his DD away from him. I just don't really know what to do, the potential of us moving is seriously affecting his mental health, which I do understand as I would feel exactly the same.

There isn't really the option of him packing up and moving to be near us either. There's nothing in the way of work for him there and he's on such a low income ATM he wouldn't be able to get a deposit or anything together.

I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or if they've been in a similar situation. I want my DD to continue having a fabulous relationship with her dad but if we move I can't see how this is going to work.

Apologies for such a long post. Thanks if you've got this far


Some of the posts on this are completely shocking! It's all very well for people on an anonymous forum to expect someone to declare themselves homeless like it's such a minor easy thing! Of course you have to go with your parents and give your child a decent start and keep your support network. If he's that great a father (and it sounds to me like he gets all the easy parts of parenthood and isn't exactly busting a gut to get a place for her to visit/funds to get his own place - this man has all week to work unlike the op so could in theory have time to put in hard graft!) then he will find a way to stay in touch. I too would hate to be separated from my kids but I'm the one that's put in all the hard work with them-I've stayed up all night with them, fought through health issues while looking after them and made sacrifices so that they can have the best. It doesn't sound to me like ops ex is working hard at anything. It also sounds like he isn't going to be a good influence for her child if he is verbally abusing her mother.

And that will be something that the judge will consider. The best interests of the child will be considered. This will include not making you homeless or placing the child in a less than safe environment.

As others have said, there could be a range of orders made including how contact is arranged.

I still think you should make the move but be aware that its not just your choice.

A judge could order that you be housed in emergency accommodation until such times as the case was settled.

But be clear, the judge won't have any obligation to you - if your ex takes you to court to stop the move, what he will be stopping his you moving with his child - the judge may order that the child not be removed from the London area, for example, and then it will be up to you to sort out how you make that happen.

If I was your ex I'd be going for a prohibited steps order plus a child arrangements order (or whatever they're called now) that the child live with me in her current locale.

But that is assuming you don't currently have any child arrangement order in place

@user1492636556

'What the judge has the power to do is not stop YOU from moving. What s/he can do is stop your child from moving.'

Yeah okay so if a judge orders my daughter to stay where's she going to go then? To her dads house where there's a serious case of overcrowding and they don't have a room to fit a bed in? He himself sleeps in a converted dining room. What judge in their right mind is going to order that?

Thank you @Zumbarunswim perfect post

Also my exes ex moved to another country and he couldn't stop her at all

With their daughter - he goes to visit her

You need to really really think through how contact will work, and be prepared to facilitate it as much as possible. Remembering that you will have to do this for the next 15 years, when things change with regard to school, secondary school and whatnot.

So for example would you take her to him one weekend a month? You might have to stay over in a b&b or something. Could he come to you one weekend a month, I guess if you have a b&b maybe you could provide him with somewhere to stay? This would mean he sees her eow which is standard for many separated parents.

Holidays? I guess if you are running a seasonal b&b it might work out quite well for her to spend half of the summer holidays with him so you can work. Same for bank holidays, Easter holidays.

I would think you would have to offer to alternate Christmas and new year. Maybe not when she's only 2, but as she gets older.

I think she would also have to start staying overnight with him to make this sort of contact work, so he would need to start making arrangements to make that possible.

You should sit down with a calendar and plan how it might all work out, for now, and then for a couple of years from now when you have school to consider. That will come round before you know it. So if he sees her for a week of the Christmas holidays in late December, will he maybe not see her again properly till the Easter holidays in April?

Think about when she wants to get involved in activities at weekends and she will have to miss some to visit her dad.

I think it's totally possible, but I think that to be fair to her dad you really need to plan it all out as much as you can, and be realistic about how much it will impact on your life in the coming years.

I guess the dad is panicking that no matter how much you say you will do xyz, when the time comes the reality of how expensive, time consuming and restrictive it is will mean you start making excuses and it all falls by the wayside.

You also need to consider how you might feel if you meet someone else and have other kids, would you still be willing to give up one weeekend in four to take your dd to see her dad?

So much to think about, and I think you owe it to her dad to really think it all through. Maybe you could even have something drawn up by a solicitor if it makes him feel bettter, even if in reality it's not worth very much.

Sorry, I went on a bit there, I'm hoping I sound encouraging and not patronising, I'm sure you've thought of most of these things already.

And if her ex can't even get a place for his daughter to sleep then I doubt he will go to bother of a legal challenge. Maybe them moving will force him to step up. It sounds like he's getting the easy/fun bits of parenting and none of the actual work and responsibility

Foxy etc does..."don't want this to sound really harsh but you decided to have your DC knowing who her DF is and also knowing his mental health, monetary and living situation so you really cannot use those things as any sort of excuse."

Mean?

You do notch'decide' to have a baby once pregnant. It happens. You might decide to stop it happening. Is that what you are elluding to? That's a really awful thing to imply. Because the op ex has 'issues' she should not have had her baby? Or can't now point out what seems some very real anger issues.

I would definitely go. There is a lovely home, with room for you and your daughter and job prospects. Probably nice schools in a lovely area.

The alternative is stay, have no support, make yourself homeless, put yourself at the mercy of an unpredictable man who is verbally abusive toward you.

I was a SAHM with 2 children, an incredibly supportive hands on Dh but no family or friends due to relocating. It was incredibly hard. It nearly broke me, and we were financially stable. I could even afford to put my children into childcare 1 day a week for a break.

Your ex could use his degree to find work closer to his daughter.

Sorry but this stuff about a judge stopping you moving really is total bollocks.

If he was that great a dad he'd be encouraging you and his daughter to live somewhere nice and be happy and secure rather than take any old shit council house and be skint so he doesn't have to travel.

exwife I think the op does get to do what is right for her and her dd. It Doran't mean the relationship needs to end.

I also wonder how great dd and dad's relationship is. OP can you say why it is so great? Does he have soup daytime care of dd at weekends? Does his mum/dad help? Are you there?

Ps user1492636556...OP.... you asked about replying to specific posters. I usually type their name, make it bold by putting an asterisk at the start and end if it.

But you can use @user1492636556 so @ then their user name, as I did yours, then they should get an email.

you don't have to choose to believe me but it is correct. a judge can hand down an injunction to stop you taking your DD away from the area. and it is a likely outcome as he has regular contact.

But no judge would in the current circumstances. Do stop scaremongering. It wouldn't happen.

To right, AF, they should be ashamed.

*Too

Your ex sounds just like my ex; abusive, attempts to bully / emotionally blackmail you, thinks threats will win you back, can't hold a rational conversation. It's abuse, not anger. But he's an ok dad to DS, now a teen. Would DS would miss him if he never saw him; probably I suppose.

I would try and facilitate contact but let him do most of the organizing, even if you pay some of the fares. He should 'earn' the role of dad.

Tbh I'd have reservations about living full time in rural Wales. But it's a good time to go, with DD so young. You could always move to Cardiff yourself if it's too rural there.

Nice comment AF .

Just to point out OP, Manchester is two hours on a direct train from Euston (maybe Kings X). Birmingham obviously less. So, actually much easier for you to facilitate the relationship if you so wish, not lose all your friends and be in a city where you are more likely to be able to get a job and somewhere to live? This is what I suggested upthread which has been roundly ignored.

Forget about the ex for a minute. Do you really want to live miles away from anywhere, only your child and parents for company, no real chance of a job other than working in your parents B&B? A very long (i.e. not a weekend away) way away from any of your friends? You grew up in London. I get the homelessness is an issue, but don't discount the issue of escaping from a remote area when your daughter is older. Opportunities are better in cities.

Personally, the remote country is a nice place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there.

Why was my comment deleted?

I like to think in the scenario Dh or I would do the honourable thing by the child and make the right choice for them. By not standing in the way of a move to a more wholesome life supported by family over a bout of homelessness followed by what sounds to be poverty.

And then we would follow where possible.

Just because the remote countryside isn't for you personally doesn't mean that everybody feels the same way.

Due to the nature of the area being part of the National Trust it actually gets over 25,000 visitors every year during the season. My parents running a thriving b&b there would mean it would never be boring during the season from April-oct. It has a lovely village school, and obviously they have a huge community spirit amongst the residents. They hold lots of events at the village hall and the church. obviously the rest of the year when the season ends I'd be able to take the time to visit friends back in London and would be able to take my DD to see her dad myself more.

As I said it's a fabulous opportunity work wise for me and my parents.