More of a wwyd? Need advice..

[user1492636556]

Hello, looking for advice and not sure if this is the best place to post. Long time lurker, first time poster.

Im 24 and have a DD who's just turned 2. I split with her father during my pregnancy due to his and his families behaviour towards me when I fell pregnant. (Note he has had MH issues in the past and can still display very erratic explosive behaviour which often makes me question that he still suffers with these issues) I know he still has feelings for me, and continually expresses the desire to get back together, but I have made it clear to him that it's not what I want.

When we split we both had to move back into our parents houses due to not being able to afford renting separately. We live in SE London, where rent is sky high. I am really happy living back with my parents as they give me lots of support and they love having us living with them. I am a SAHM atm.

He is an absolute brilliant dad towards our DD and she adores him. He sees her every weekend. No overnights as he doesn't have much space at his parents, but takes her out all day sat and sun.

Here's my issue and I don't really know how to deal with it.

My parents have always wanted to move away from the area as they get older, and preferably somewhere by the coast. My DM and DF have recently found a property that they are really interested in buying. Problem is, it's a 7 hour + drive from where we live at the moment. Me and my DM went to have a look at the property recently, and it is absolutely beautiful. Massive house, lovely location, and lots of potential for my DD to have a wonderful outdoorsy lifestyle. There is also a business opportunity for my parents there as well, meaning I would be able to work for them as well, earning money.

If it wasnt for my DDs father I would absolutely have no hesitation about moving there.

I have no way of staying in the SE by myself. I'm on the council list but on the lowest priority meaning I'll be waiting years for a place. I cannot afford to privately rent. The only option for me is to move with my parents and DD.

I have obviously broached the issue as sensitively as I can with her dad. And understandably he's gone ballistic. Accusing me of taking his DD away from him. I just don't really know what to do, the potential of us moving is seriously affecting his mental health, which I do understand as I would feel exactly the same.

There isn't really the option of him packing up and moving to be near us either. There's nothing in the way of work for him there and he's on such a low income ATM he wouldn't be able to get a deposit or anything together.

I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or if they've been in a similar situation. I want my DD to continue having a fabulous relationship with her dad but if we move I can't see how this is going to work.

Apologies for such a long post. Thanks if you've got this far


actually her updates say he used to and she stopped it so he has and could be

ultimately do you are going to do what you want to. but, be aware that if he takes it to court he can gain an injunction to force you to stay. and a judge would likely grant it as at your own admission he is paying maintenance, is seeing her regularly and does have the means to have her stay overnight

Yes claiming benefits since I was around 7/8 months pregnant. (I had a temporary work contract, so no maternity pay benefits available) We both split up when I was 6 months pregnant and moved back into our parents houses.

Fgs no judge is going to 'force me to stay!' Stay where exactly? What so my parents will move and I'll just on carrying on living here with the new owners then shall I?

I have nowhere to stay here!!So where is this judge going to order that I live then?

usernumbernine why are you asking OP questions that, realistically, only her parents can answer? What responsibility is it of hers if her parents are or aren't choosing somewhere where a disabled sibling can attend clubs etc? It's not up to her what they do, I don't understand why so many people can't seem to grasp this!

l1ght a judge would likely grant it, just because he's been paying maintenance and seeing his daughter? Nonsense!

A judge would look at all circumstances including what was best for the child OVERALL, not just what was best for the father.

Don't mention it to him again, OP, just go.

Because she is hitching her wagon to their star and talking about going with them, I would have thought that was obvious.

It's a really hard choice but I'd go with my parents. You'll have security and an extended family support system there which is so important. In my opinion if you end up depressed and broken down due to financial problems and no support then your child will suffer just as much as not seeing her dad. Obviously you might be fine but it's something to consider - how do you feel about staying on your own.

Completely agree with this.

And to be fair it's not really anybody's place to criticise my parents reasons of wanting to run this b&b.

I can guarantee they're not stupid and have definitely thought this through. You don't take the decision to pack up everything and move to a rural area lightly..

Well said OP!

you don't have to choose to believe me but it is correct. a judge can hand down an injunction to stop you taking your DD away from the area. and it is a likely outcome as he has regular contact.

you will not be able to maintain the two nights a week if you move, once she is at school there is no way that you will be able to maintain even EOW as a 14+ round trip is simply not feasible. so that leaves school holidays - that is not a fair amount of contact or a good for maintaining a sustainable relationship for either of them.

There are other options if you choose to remove the blinkers and look for them

'you don't have to choose to believe me but it is correct. a judge can hand down an injunction to stop you taking your DD away from the area. and it is a likely outcome as he has regular contact.'

Not likely given the primary caregiver will be homeless and, having no other option, subject to move wherever the council assigns her and the child temp accommodation, which will be outside the area, possibly quite far.

@wheresthel1ght - where is the judge going to order that I stay then?

@wheresthel1ght - and he doesn't have any nights a week. He sees her sat and sun during the day and brings her back to me where I bath and put her to bed every night

I wasn't criticising - I was asking questions, or at least, forming and putting out there some of the questions that you and your parents need to be asking.

I can tell you that rural living in the back of beyond is nothing like a visit. Personally, it's not for me.

I still don't think you're being fair to your ex, and I think he's involved and he is paying maintenance and if I was him I'd be devastated too - he's going to be going from seeing her every weekend to seeing her once a month?

And he's working in a minimum wage job, so who is going to pay for his travel? Can he even get there on public transport all year if it's really rural down bad roads? How comfortable are your parents going to be to put him up if they are busy and the rooms are booked? Or if you get a new man who also lives in the B&B?

Not criticism - just questions you should possibly think about.

OP - I would make the move. Perhaps if your Ex had taken all the advice about how to live independently in that area that so many here have given he would be in a position to take/support the child. But for some reason he hasnt to your choices are limited.

What is best for your daughter is a stable and healthy homelife. Something that your ex cannot provide.

Be prepared for a legal challenge. Be prepared for a court telling you to do something you dont want to do. But I would try to move with your parents and embark on a new life.

A judge can stop you leaving - it's unlikely, given that you are moving with family and moving to a job with your parents, but he could. And they could definitely stop you leaving until the case was decided.

It's more likely that a judge would order that since you moved, it's your responsibility to return your DD for contact, probably every other weekend and half the holidays.

@usernumbernine Your not making any sense. How could a judge force me to stay in a home that my parents have sold off to somebody else?

Your forgetting I don't own the property!!

I suppose I could handcuff myself to the bannister I suppose whilst the new owners move in

A judge can issue a prohibited steps order that means you cannot leave the area.

You would then have to present at the council as homeless and they would have to house you in area or commutable until the court case was decided.

I never said that you would be obliged to stay in a house that was sold.

You would actually be well advised to go and get proper legal advice as to what your ex is legally able to do to frustrate your move. Some solicitors, not all, do a free 30 minute consultation, but you might find that your parents are willing to pay for a longer session so that you are properly advised.

Actually all those who are insisting that a judge would force me to stay regardless of me not having a home here.. You've actually all given me a super idea.

I'll tell my Dds father to yes take me to court and then perhaps the judge will then order my local council to house me in the local area.

Would love to hear of past experiences if this has actually ever happened?

OP - a judge could, in theory, tell you to go to the council to get homeless accommodation. Maybe with background reports and comments from social services.

No-one is saying that he wont let your parents move or stop a house sale or demand that you stay in that house. You are being a bit silly.

But he can force you to accept accommodation that doesn't meet your desires but does meet some minimum standard.

Is there a contact order through the court in place or has the contact been organised informally between the two of you?

And actually. What the judge has the power to do is not stop YOU from moving. What s/he can do is stop your child from moving.

To be completely legally correct.

(should say that judge would order that with the proviso that something was pretty much in place already). He wont order you to sleep on the streets.

He could order that you move with your parents but come back when the council has a home available for you.

My housing has no accommodation in the borough. They've sold it all off. There's 600 people in front me all waiting for a 2 bed property.

All emergency cases of homelessness are being sent to places such as Birmingham or Manchester.