More of a wwyd? Need advice..

[user1492636556]

Hello, looking for advice and not sure if this is the best place to post. Long time lurker, first time poster.

Im 24 and have a DD who's just turned 2. I split with her father during my pregnancy due to his and his families behaviour towards me when I fell pregnant. (Note he has had MH issues in the past and can still display very erratic explosive behaviour which often makes me question that he still suffers with these issues) I know he still has feelings for me, and continually expresses the desire to get back together, but I have made it clear to him that it's not what I want.

When we split we both had to move back into our parents houses due to not being able to afford renting separately. We live in SE London, where rent is sky high. I am really happy living back with my parents as they give me lots of support and they love having us living with them. I am a SAHM atm.

He is an absolute brilliant dad towards our DD and she adores him. He sees her every weekend. No overnights as he doesn't have much space at his parents, but takes her out all day sat and sun.

Here's my issue and I don't really know how to deal with it.

My parents have always wanted to move away from the area as they get older, and preferably somewhere by the coast. My DM and DF have recently found a property that they are really interested in buying. Problem is, it's a 7 hour + drive from where we live at the moment. Me and my DM went to have a look at the property recently, and it is absolutely beautiful. Massive house, lovely location, and lots of potential for my DD to have a wonderful outdoorsy lifestyle. There is also a business opportunity for my parents there as well, meaning I would be able to work for them as well, earning money.

If it wasnt for my DDs father I would absolutely have no hesitation about moving there.

I have no way of staying in the SE by myself. I'm on the council list but on the lowest priority meaning I'll be waiting years for a place. I cannot afford to privately rent. The only option for me is to move with my parents and DD.

I have obviously broached the issue as sensitively as I can with her dad. And understandably he's gone ballistic. Accusing me of taking his DD away from him. I just don't really know what to do, the potential of us moving is seriously affecting his mental health, which I do understand as I would feel exactly the same.

There isn't really the option of him packing up and moving to be near us either. There's nothing in the way of work for him there and he's on such a low income ATM he wouldn't be able to get a deposit or anything together.

I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or if they've been in a similar situation. I want my DD to continue having a fabulous relationship with her dad but if we move I can't see how this is going to work.

Apologies for such a long post. Thanks if you've got this far


If she was homeless she could get housed.

In which mythical borough do single parents with only one healthy child get anything other than a rotation of temporary accommodation?

The DF has a first class degree and could consider looking for work nearer to DD, aiming to be able to actually provide a bed for her instead of 'sponging' off his own parents. Why does he get a free pass in this? You haven't explained why she should make herself homeless and throw away a job opportunity just so that he can do nothing.

hold on there, random.

all that is a bit of a stretch, don't you think? it's alright to move 7 hours away as her ex might one day get an imaginary job in i don't know, Australia or something, and would probably definitely go, in that case. which makes all this FINE.

come on.

I would be very worried about the move for your long term prospects and, consequently, your daughter's. Working for your parents in a B&B does not sound like a good career path unless the intention is that you will take it over when they get too old (and for that there needs to be enough money for your parents' needs as they age without selling the place, which you seem to suggest is unlikely if they are using everything they have to buy the place). The hospitality industry is known for being a long hours, low pay industry. What job are your parents suggesting you do and how much are they suggesting they pay you? Is that in line with local rates for similar work? Will you be busiest when your daughter has most free time (e.g. school holidays)? In some ways running around rural Wales does sound like an ideal childhood, but as a teenager is she likely to have access to opportunities that will enable her to get a decent job? Welsh schools are not generally known for their quality (The Estonian annual report noted that 60% of secondary schools were below "good", that the number of excellent high schools was falling and that teaching quality was too poor in Wales generally). Will there be a choice of schools for her when she gets to that age or are you going to be stuck with whatever the local school is?

When your parents can no longer guarantee you a job what are you going to do? There doesn't sound like there is anything else there for you to do to develop a work life that will be sustainable. I think it is really risky to go somewhere where you have virtually no way of becoming self sufficient. There's a lot of poverty in Wales and with the exit from the EU there aren't going to be as many grants etc. to develop areas that need new industry. You seem quite focused on the short term and the possible romance of a rural life, but you don't seem to be thinking long term about the impact of the choices you are making on opportunity for you or your daughter.

It does seem like a hard choice you have. I understand that iwith your parents moving you can't stay where you are. But that really doesn't mean moving with them is going to be a good idea. You need to start taking charge of your life and carve out a real future for yourself and your DD.

He's not doing any 'sucking up'.

Run while you can, OP.

you asked me what I would do user - honestly I would look at finding a private rent/HA property in an affordable area that is a more reasonable commute and I would source affordable childcare - childminders are much cheaper than nurseries for example - and I would get a job.

I would not move my dd 7+ hours away from her Dad who she adores and who adores her.

I do get what you are saying, but ultimately you are being unfair and I am not surprised he is angry. If the roles were reversed how would you feel if he took her 7+ hours away from you?

He is not in any position to care full time for this child full stop, so he won't be taking her anywhere

Straw man argument

wheres thel1ght..... an affordable area, in London? And even if this affordable property did magically appear, I'm taking it that the OP hasn't worked for a while so would more than likely have to get a NMW job, and cover rent AND full time childcare. How would that work? Not to mention the fact that her daughter would most likely be in child care 40 odd hours a week, so would then hardly see EITHER of her parents.

'you asked me what I would do user - honestly I would look at finding a private rent/HA property in an affordable area that is a more reasonable commute and I would source affordable childcare - childminders are much cheaper than nurseries for example - and I would get a job.'

Oh, yeah, so easy to 'source' all this when you're a lone parent who's been on benefits for a couple of years, with no money, no support system in place if the child becomes ill, in one of the most expensive cities in the world. All the enable a person who CBA'd to much. Is he paying to support his child? There you go, OP, get snapping those fingers.

do you know him personally anyfucker??

19lottie it is what a large number of parents do and if it means that he DD gets to retain her relationship with her father then I am afraid that is what needs to happen.

'19lottie it is what a large number of parents do and if it means that he DD gets to retain her relationship with her father then I am afraid that is what needs to happen.'

She doesn't have the means to make it happen and he isn't in a position to facilitate this, either. If she doesn't go with the parents, she becomes homeless, which, as she has explained, in London means temp accommodation in the location the council chooses, which may well mean Manchester or Birmingham. Then the child will be just as far.

The whole 'find a job' that will cover rent, bills and childcare when you've been on benefits for the past couple of years and have no backup is slim to none.

l1ight so living in possible poverty is the answer? If the OP has to work full time and the her DDs father has her Saturday and Sunday, when would the OP actually see her daughter?

Oh I'm not saying it wouldn't be possible, but is the above really in the best interests of her DD? Of course it isn't!

Ha! Because there is such a proliferation of social housing at the moment. Not to mention jobs and affordable childcare. 😂

So she would be better off on her own, broke, in a place where she knows someone so her ex can come and see the child at the weekend instead of being safe and secure within a family unit?

What is best for the child?

Knows no-one! FFS.

being 7+ hours away from her dad and never seeing him is not in the best interest of the child.

sacrifices have to be made - and where does it say she has been on benefits for years? her posts read like up until she had the baby she had money and was able to afford to rent privately.

Homeless is not better, but finding a more appropriate location to live/work and still enable the contact with DD's dad is better than the current decision

I'd like to add that her dads house where he lives ATM with his parents is itself a tiny 2 bedroom property with 5 full grown adults living in it. My DD doesn't stay over as he doesn't even have room for a proper bed for her.

She has actually stayed over there a handful of times on his request since she's been born in a travel cot set up in his bedroom and each time has come home really ill with a viral induced wheeze which has required her to be hospitalised. (He has terrible damp in his room which I believe is the cause of this) Naturally I've had to put my foot down with her staying there.

So all those saying that I should piss off with my parents and leave my daughter with him. Take note..

I am not suggesting you actually leave her with him, but I am asking you to consider how you would feel if you were in his position. If he was in a position to look after her and decided to take her 7+ hours away from you. Can you honestly say you wouldn't be angry, that you would accept it gracefully or would you in all honesty be fucking livid and fight back at losing your daughter?

I think you need to look at other options, they might not give you the idyllic perfect life you think you might get in Wales, but if it offered your daughter the chance to not lose her dad I think you owe it to her.

surely your parents will always have you go live with them if he turns out not to be the great dad you say he is now?

It's not a stretch. His pattern of behaviour, behaving disgustingly to op when she was pregnant, Geri g his family involved in the abuse, trying to get back with the op, putting on a show of being a "good" dad when he can't even accommodate her overnight, and then having opinions on her parenting and life choices when he offers zero to the parenting himself, and not even daring to consider his dd, just making it all about him absolutely reeks of abusive and controlling behaviour, and follows a very classic pattern.

I have no doubt he would drop the good dad charade at the drop of a hat if and when it suits him. Meantime op will have made herself homeless, turned down a job opportunity and isolated herself from the only support networks she has, all in an effort to bend over backwards to please him, when he is clearly not thinking about anyone apart from himself and apparently can't even contemplate getting on a train every couple of weeks to maintain contact with his daughter.

'and where does it say she has been on benefits for years? '

The child is 2 and they split when she was pregnant, so I reckon she's been on them for 2 years. 2 years out of work and a lone parent with no childcare. Yep, OP, you'll be able to magic up a job that will pay all your bills easily so you can bend over backwards whilst he gets a free ride.

I wouldn't mention this again, OP, I'd just move.

FGS light! Of course not seeing the father regularly is not in the best interests on the child, but neither is not seeing her DHPs who she has lived with since birth, and neither would be never seeing her mother / being in childcare 40 hours a week and living in a crap flat.

It's all about adding up the pros and cons and it looks like without doubt the pros severely outweigh the cons (not seeing her father as regularly) here!

Surely a better solution would be for the father to move to the nearest city and get a job there, then he can still see his daughter at weekends?

Of course I'd be livid. But at the end of the day the day the only option I have to stay in the area would be to make myself homeless..

Where - he had never had the child over night. He is not even remotely anywhere near being the resident parent.

Just go op, if he wants a relationship with his child that's up to HIM, and it sounds like you are not going to stand in the way of him doing that. You in the meantime do what's best for you and your dd.

' but if it offered your daughter the chance to not lose her dad I think you owe it to her.'

She's not 'losing him'. The OP's offered suggestions to keep up contact.

To be practical.

Your parents have no experience of running a B&B and from what you've said they'll be using every penny they have to set themselves up in this.

They can't be in the first flush of youth, and you mention a disabled sibling

How is that sibling going to be supported if you move? What respite/clubs/special schooling/activities are there for them in very rural Wales?

Do you parents realise what a hard slog running a B&B in a very tourist but isolated location is? Are they prepared for that? How will you cope with power cuts and being snowed in?

It's a really hard choice but I'd go with my parents. You'll have security and an extended family support system there which is so important. In my opinion if you end up depressed and broken down due to financial problems and no support then your child will suffer just as much as not seeing her dad. Obviously you might be fine but it's something to consider - how do you feel about staying on your own.

It's horrid for the dad and I'd feel for him but nothing's stopping him moving closer and long distance can still work although it's harder.

My ex moved 3 hours away when dd was small. He makes the effort and comes to see her every other / every 3rd weekend. It's not as far but with flights instead of driving might be similar. We speak to him daily and they Skype. She's a happy settled child with a good relationship with him despite the distance. (Just means all school / childcare is my problem!)