More of a wwyd? Need advice..

[user1492636556]

Hello, looking for advice and not sure if this is the best place to post. Long time lurker, first time poster.

Im 24 and have a DD who's just turned 2. I split with her father during my pregnancy due to his and his families behaviour towards me when I fell pregnant. (Note he has had MH issues in the past and can still display very erratic explosive behaviour which often makes me question that he still suffers with these issues) I know he still has feelings for me, and continually expresses the desire to get back together, but I have made it clear to him that it's not what I want.

When we split we both had to move back into our parents houses due to not being able to afford renting separately. We live in SE London, where rent is sky high. I am really happy living back with my parents as they give me lots of support and they love having us living with them. I am a SAHM atm.

He is an absolute brilliant dad towards our DD and she adores him. He sees her every weekend. No overnights as he doesn't have much space at his parents, but takes her out all day sat and sun.

Here's my issue and I don't really know how to deal with it.

My parents have always wanted to move away from the area as they get older, and preferably somewhere by the coast. My DM and DF have recently found a property that they are really interested in buying. Problem is, it's a 7 hour + drive from where we live at the moment. Me and my DM went to have a look at the property recently, and it is absolutely beautiful. Massive house, lovely location, and lots of potential for my DD to have a wonderful outdoorsy lifestyle. There is also a business opportunity for my parents there as well, meaning I would be able to work for them as well, earning money.

If it wasnt for my DDs father I would absolutely have no hesitation about moving there.

I have no way of staying in the SE by myself. I'm on the council list but on the lowest priority meaning I'll be waiting years for a place. I cannot afford to privately rent. The only option for me is to move with my parents and DD.

I have obviously broached the issue as sensitively as I can with her dad. And understandably he's gone ballistic. Accusing me of taking his DD away from him. I just don't really know what to do, the potential of us moving is seriously affecting his mental health, which I do understand as I would feel exactly the same.

There isn't really the option of him packing up and moving to be near us either. There's nothing in the way of work for him there and he's on such a low income ATM he wouldn't be able to get a deposit or anything together.

I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or if they've been in a similar situation. I want my DD to continue having a fabulous relationship with her dad but if we move I can't see how this is going to work.

Apologies for such a long post. Thanks if you've got this far


Go. Make a life for you and your DD. You have the chance to earn a wage, be with people who love you both and good life.
He could come and stay for weekends if he wanted and enjoy his time that way just means him travelling more. Not the end of the world by any means.

Greggers201 "I think you are being very spiteful and think that it is time you grew up and started acting like an adult and mother."

Prioritizing your child and not your unstable ex is a very adult thing to do. There is nothing spiteful in wanting your own life and wanting what is best for your dd.

Your ex sounds awful, to be honest based on what I have read here I would probably move to get away from him.

Do you think you will ever have another boyfriend/husband/partner? how do you think your abusive ex is going to handle that?

Getting pregnant shouldn't mean your whole life is fixed here!

What have you done to see about the possibility of a council house where you are?

Not just a friend said this or I heard that but actually spoken to someone that can realistically advise you in the council and the CAB?

If you get a really strong case together as to why you need to stay where you are before speaking to the council then I don't see why you wouldn't be in a really good position to stay near to the area you are in now.

What has your ex said about the practicalities?

Why not put it to him what he suggests you do?

Will he pay more maintenance if you stay? (Court decided obviously)

Could you pay for his travel to you twice a month? And maybe he could pay for your DD to see him at his once a month (I'm sure he could sleep on the sofa to free up a bed)

The problem is it sounds like you really want to move and are just saying reasons why it wouldn't be possible for you to stay as that's what you want, which is fine but the consequences when your DD is older might not be great. I'm sure she would love growing up in the new place but I'm not sure at the detriment to her relationship with her father.

grannytomine I agree that it's a long journey for such a small child. However, OP's parents shouldn't need to change their plans and, quite frankly, it's ridiculous that people are actually suggesting it. It's their lives, they have always planned to move by the sea and they should be able to carry on with that plan if that's what they want to do, not have their dreams dictated by OP or her ex, something which she seems to fully appreciate and understand.

OP in your circumstances I would move.

To a previous poster who said
Simply not fair on your daughter or her dad to move so far away
You could argue that it wouldn't be fair either to deny your DD the lifestyle you describe, with grandparents around, and instead give her a council flat, money worries, overcrowded london schools etc.

If you get a really strong case together as to why you need to stay where you are before speaking to the council then I don't see why you wouldn't be in a really good position to stay near to the area you are in now. *

The OP has already stated there is a 7+ year waiting list and she is in the low priority group for the council (only one child) and that her LA are housing people in the North due to lack of even temporary stock. She could make herself homeless to stay in London and be housed near Manchester.

Social housing in London is near non existent - it was all sold off. The current government are forcing sale of the remaining housing authority stock so it will continue to get worse and not better.

A child is 50% mothers and 50% father. Making it so the father has little opportunity is massively selfish. I despise parents who use their children as weapons or for their own gain.
I hope the original posters daughter grows up to resent her mother because she basically is stopping the child having a relationship with her dad.
And if you do move you should damn well be paying for that father to visit his daughter as often as possible becaus you made the choice not him.
We don't know if what the original poster is saying about her ex is true to be fair.

Greggers2017 how the hell is the OP using her child as a weapon?! Wind your spiteful neck in.

Greggers2017

Yes how selfish of the OP to want her daughter to have a roof over her head. Did you read the post? She will be homeless if she doesn't follow her parents.

How about the DF at least considers moving to be nearer to his DD instead of trying to force her into homelessness?

The child isn't 50% each parent's - each parent has a responsibility to do the best for the child and put their needs second - she isn't a toy.

I also note that the posters advising OP to stay don't have a solution except "go back to work and rent privately" (when childcare costs are higher than a low salary, or at least high enough to not be able to pay rent on top) or "make yourself homeless and go wherever the council sends you" (ideal life for a child isn't it?)

Also, do you really mean to advise that a single mum forgets completely about her needs, quality of life, desires and ties with her own parents, for the sole purpose of faciliting contact with ex DC's dad who

1. had been abusive towards her repeatedly
2. had made no effort to establish overnight contact himself.

You can make things work if she wanted to. If she was homeless she could get housed. My sister manages in south London as a single parent but funnily enough unlike the OP she got off her arse and got a job and provided for her children.
The OP has it far too easy sponging off her parents and needs to take a step into the real world. Funnily enough she isn't the only single parent in south London.

The original poster isn't putting her needs second though is she. She's going for the easy ride card.

I think the OP is 100% doing the right thing for her child. The benefits of moving and keeping the child in a secure, safe environment clearly outweigh those of staying.
And to all those posters saying to get emergency accommodation etc - do you have any idea what they are actually like? Sharing bathrooms with strangers, having no way to cook food, poor health due to problems such as damp, lack of security - oh yes, such a suitable place for a child.

The OP would be mad to choose that over what moving would offer.

And there is a difference between 'managing' and actually thriving. Why wouldnt any mother want her child to have the best opportunities possible?

Have a look at Megabus OP. Cardiff is about £8.00 each way, and I know they also go to Aberwystwyth as well.

Do you drive? Would you be able to pick him up from the nearest station etc if he came for the weekend?

I would take the opportunity and go by the way

grannytomine I agree that it's a long journey for such a small child. However, OP's parents shouldn't need to change their plans and, quite frankly, it's ridiculous that people are actually suggesting it. It's their lives, they have always planned to move by the sea and they should be able to carry on with that plan if that's what they want to do, not have their dreams dictated by OP or her ex, something which she seems to fully appreciate and understand.

As a grandparent I don't think it is ridiculous so we won't agree on that. They can move to the sea without moving 7 hrs away. If my sons ex and my GC weren't living close to me with me doing lots of childcare I would move 100 miles and live near my DD and 100 miles closer to her brothers. I can't just write my GC's happiness out of my plans, they are part of our lives and we consider how it would impact on their lives.

Moving from London to rural Wales is a big life change and it doesn't always work out, if the GPs don't like it does the little girl get dragged across the country again? Are they prepared to commit to being there till she is 18? All these things need thinking about.

I think this is actually an impossible situation. There isn't a solution that is anything like reasonable. It's really sad. Personally I would rather have lived in a hovel than been without my Dad as a kid. I just can't imagine only being able to see him once in a blue moon. I was just as close to my Mum. My parents were quite flaky and irresponsible really 🤔 but they were very loving and supportive. Having separated parents is one thing but not being able to see one parent would be horrible.

I can't see a solution though

OP, is your ex still studying while he is doing his minimum wage job?

Look here Greggers You clearly haven't read my OP and all my other comments. Otherwise you wouldn't be writing such utter drivel. Read through the comments and work your way down before posting. It's clear I put my daughter first in everything I do.

He's no longer studying. He graduated with a 1st and has done absolutely nothing with it

'The original poster isn't putting her needs second though is she. She's going for the easy ride card.'

So what? Anyone who makes life harder than it needs to be is stupid. The father does, too.

I'd be off like a shot, OP. Don't even give it a second thought.

I'd move. No way would I be making myself homeless for the sake of an abusive ex (and yes, I realise it would also be for your daughter too, but realistically, she's only 2, whatever set up you have will soon become her normality).

You keep saying he's a good dad, but I don't think he is. If he was, he'd be encouraging you to make a better life for your DD whilst discussing ways in which you can maintain contact. As pp's have said, he could always move to the nearest city, then it's not such a long drive. Anyway, if he loves her, he'll do all he can to make this work. Surely he can see that there is no choice really?

Greggers I'm guessing someone close to you has been in a similar situation like this hence why you've got such hotility going on, but if you think it's really in the best interest of the OPs daughter to stay in London while she and her mother struggle, while 2 of her main care givers move 7 hours away, you're dreaming.

I appreciate what you're saying grannytomine and it's great that you'd do all that, but I think it's unfair for OP's parents to be expected to make compromises in this situation. It doesn't matter if they can, the fact is that it was their plan to move and that shouldn't change because of these circumstances. Speaking as someone who had to move back in with her parents during pregnancy, I impacted pretty heavily on their lives by doing so and I don't like knowing that even though they of course were happy to help, but I would never expect or ask them to change their life plans for me, not in a million years and that, in my opinion, is what would make the OP selfish. Clearly, she isn't a selfish person and I agree with a lot of the posters on here in that she should go and give herself and her daughter the best chance at having a nice life, and the same goes for her parents.

if your parents would have enough money to buy a house/business outright, can they not set you up in a private rent? i mean deposit, furniture on the understanding that you then find part time work to top up rent? does that not sound even remotely feasible?

i get that it's a fantastic opportunity for your parents, and that you would love to go with them and make loads of money while your DD has all the Swallows and Amazons and idyllic things.

BUT.

her dad needs to maintain the strong relationship you say he and DD have. she, in turn, needs her dad.

and that's that, i'm afraid. you have a child with someone, you chose him to have a child with and you both love that child. so you don't get to trip gaily off into the wild blue yonder just because your mum says you can.

in summary: suck it up. these are the things we have to live with once we are parents. you can't arbitrarily swan off and say it's ok because her dad isn't using his degree effectively.

Pardon me ex wife, but fuck that.

Do you really think that if he meets another woman/gets it job or some other opportunity that requires him to move away that he wouldn't in the drop of a hat? He sounds lazy, entitled and manipulative, and he probably cares more about exerting his control over the op than his own daughter, based on his previous behaviour.