Who is BU? Contact weekends and DCs

[GaelicSiog]

This will be long, sorry. I don't want to drip feed.

Two families.

L is DM and R is DF to DD3
L and R split before DD was born, R remarried to F. F has DD1, DD2 and DS1 from a previous relationship, and F and R have DTS2 and DTS3 together.

DD3 lives with L, and has contact with R EOW. Other DCs live with F and R, with DD1, DD2 and DS1 having contact with their dad every month.

DD3 attends an activity on Saturday mornings. Activity takes up the whole morning. DD3 has been doing this activity since she was 3 and the hours it takes up have increased as she's gotten older. DD3 is now 7. L signed her up for this activity. DD3 attends this activity every Saturday morning whichever weekend it is and has done since R managed to get a contract agreement set up. On contact weekends R takes DD3 to activity and picks her up. F takes DD1 and DD2 to another activity.

DS1 has decided he would like to start an activity which also runs on a Saturday morning. Closest place to do this is a 45 minute drive away, which means R cannot drop off DD3 and take DS1. R suggests that DD3 no longer attends her activity on contact weekends and can choose instead if she would like to go with R or F. She will still get to attend on weekends with L.

DD3 is upset because coaches at her activity say she cannot do comps if she doesn't come every weekend. L suggests contact hours are changed, DD3 stays with her Saturday mornings and is dropped with R and F after this activity. R isn't happy with his contact being shortened, and suggests DD3 arrive on Friday afternoon as normal, L picks her up Saturday morning and takes her to activity and drops her back after. L says she is not a taxi service. Parent of friend of DD3 who also attends her activity lives near F and R and offers to help with lifts. R isn't comfortable with this.

L tells R DD3 has said she feels her dad is putting his stepson ahead of her. She says R and F's solution isn't fair because it favours the resident DC. R and F feel L is using this as another excuse to scale back contact. R does not want to spend the morning driving back and forth taking both DCs every other Saturday.

If you're still with me, who is being unreasonable in this situation? Sorry for the length.

[GaelicSiog]

I called his bluff years ago when he decided actually he was DD's dad and he did want to be in her life. Told him he could take it to court. He got a gradual buildup to EOW. Made me lose a lot of faith in the system.

[GaelicSiog]

DD and I have written a letter to her dad outlining how she feels. Posted so should arrive tomorrow. He can then have tomorrow night to decide where his priorities lie.

[Cuppaoftea]

Op that was a different scenario. Be kind to yourself, emotionally distance yourself, don't let him have any control over you.

This issue is about your DD's best interest and she needs you to stand up for her. Say to her Father she will absolutely be continuing her activity on a weekly basis. I would email him and repeat in that written record why it's important to your DD she continues and the suggestions you've made for enabling that. Keep the tone polite, be concise, leave out anything personal or references to the past. Save for possible future court hearings.

In the immediate term keep your DD with you until Saturday mornings, take her to her activity and arrange to drop her off after. Don't engage in discussions with your ex in person, tell him to email you.

To be honest I'd be surprised if that arrangement doesn't actually suit his Wife better and they end up agreeing to keep it that way for the longer term.

[GaelicSiog]

Thanks, cuppa. I am leaning towards keeping her until Saturday morning for this weekend, rather than the driving around picking her up and dropping her back he wants. If I do it once I'm going to find it harder not to get stuck with it. I have his address, he doesn't have ours. So if I tell him he can pick her up from her session on Saturday morning he can't come round and hammer my door down. That's tempting, actually. I will email him, I made the mistake of clearing out my messages from him after I had her, I didn't think he'd ever step up and take me to court. Not making that mistake again.

[donners312]

Just tell him you are delighted to agree 50/50 without going to court!!

What time should you drop her off?

What an absolute dickhead he is!!!!

[PandasRock]

TBH, i wonder whether cuppa is right - the arrangement you are proposing will in all reality suit them better, and I agree they will end up settling into it.

I think, though, that your ex feels the need to be 'wronged' hence him fighting over the time he is 'losing'. He wants to be able to say you took that time away, not that he gave it up (even though it isn't time he spends 'with' dd anyway). When she was born, he didn't do the usual thing, and again had to be the 'wronged' one - you were trying it on, she wasn't his dd, etc. When that didn't work, and you didn't fight for him to have contact, he turned it around, and 'fought' you as the controlling mother who had kept him from his dd.

I suspect he is just waiting for you to lose the plot and insist on your way with this, so that he can keep his comfortable position as the wronged ex (while actually wanting your way to go ahead, as it is the least painful for all concerned).

Potentially, if they are planning another child, and have nowhere for all current children to sleep permanently (let alone being able to manage extra curricular stuff for all of them) he may be wanting this to be the beginning of sidelining his dd, but is making it happen in a way in which he can blame you for it.

[GaelicSiog]

They will almost certainly be moving to a bigger house at some point if they can afford it. Currently they have a 4 bed, ex and F in room 1, DSSs in room 2 which to be fair is big according to DD, DD1 in room 3 and DD2 in room 4. Room 4 is a box I think. DD either goes in with DD1 or on the sofa bed if DD1 has a sleepover. They could do it, but they're certainly not badly off, I think it's more likely they'll move.

Donners the trouble with that is I think he'd jump at the chance to do that and pay less, at least at first. But it isn't fair on DD, and I don't want her there 50/50. I didn't want contact in the first place but he won the courts over with that.

There probably is a strong element of him wanting me to be the bad guy. I do think he wants 50/50, but not for the right reasons. But I will not give him the satisfaction of making him out to be the bad guy. He definitely enjoys the being wronged thing. Now he's accepted DD is his he insists I kept my pregnancy from him. Which is bullshit. I get that it might look that way from the outside, but it was news to ME when I found out. Oddly enough, contacting him wasn't my first priority after, either. He's never let me forget that.

[TheAntiBoop]

If he doesn't like being the bad guy can you big up how the teachers and friends parents are so pleased he is soooo supportive of her hobby and what a great dad he is that he makes sure she is there on his weekends.

[GaelicSiog]

Boop that will go one of two ways. It depends on whether I'm right and F is the one really behind the DSS1 new hobby thing. And possibly on whether he values his relationship with DSS1 more than his relationship with DD.

I grew up in a very stable two parent family. I alternate between finding his behaviour impossible to understand and infuriating and feeling infuriated with myself I didn't guarantee that stability for DD :(

[Chloe84]

DD has made quite a good point that her activity is 15 mins away and lasts for long enough that until now ex has dropped her and then had the morning at home with DS1. F's DDs' activity is 20 mins away and F usually takes the twins out to soft play while they wait. So there is a huge difference between what everyone is expected to do and what she is expected to do waiting, if you're with me. Ex and DD would be watching DS1 according to F's plan.

I must say, your DD is a very smart cookie

I agree, do not pick up and drop off from ex's house, or will he think he's won and expect you to do it every time. Keep her home with you. Did you keep a copy of the letter DD sent to ex? I would send another email as well, so that you have it all in writing. Also, would be good to have an email from coaches confirming DD won't be allowed in comps if she doesn't attend every weekend.

[Cuppaoftea]

You are giving her stability Op. Ignore him bringing up the past and continue to enjoy your DD. You speaking up for her now will also give her the confidence to do so for herself in the future.

Don't beat yourself up about having deleted those early emails. The court outcome may well have been the same, supervised contact for a time building up to what's in place now. Whether your DDs contact with her Dad continues through her teens and into adulthood or not, she will benefit from having known him and her half siblings.

Absolutely don't agree to do the pickup from his on Saturday morning, do it even once and you're right they'll expect that to continue.

Your DD has been attending this activity for four years and her Father has agreed to be jointly responsible for taking her for all of that time. He is the one asking for that to change and you are being flexible, suggesting ways she won't lose out and both children can do their Saturday morning activities. The court would see all that, don't worry.

[girlywhirly]

I think there are a lot of fathers who like to make a fuss about how their former partner won't let them see their kids, how they pay over the odds in maintenance etc, when the reality is very different. They don't think of how the sniping and bitterness and one upmanship against the former partner is damaging to a child, in this case he won't do what is in her best interests because it doesn't suit him.

I'm glad that DD3 has felt able to put her feelings on paper. She must feel let down by him, that even his stepDC get more from him than she does, the leaving her out of days out where they have to pay admission for her is disgusting. As is not providing a proper bed for her. He's going to have to get used to DD3 making her opinions known. Go DD3!

[GaelicSiog]

She's gone to bed upset that she'll have to quit her activity. I've told her that will not be happening. That's quite telling in itself really, she's more upset about that than less time with daddy. Hasn't even mentioned less time with daddy.

My worry is in court he'll make out that I'm the one being unreasonable. I know that sounds ridiculous now, but I didn't see the spin he managed to put on everything coming last time either. Everyone told me he wouldn't get access.

I have followed up phone calls with emails, we have a photo of the letter we've sent. I helped her write it, but hopefully not obviously. He will twist it if he can. My mam is absolutely livid with him and wants to call him up, I've told her not to get involved. Partly because I wouldn't put it past him to rope her into lifts every other weekend, partly because she will snap.

I do feel sad for her that she doesn't have a traditional family set up. I know lots of kids don't, but I grew up with happily married parents and lots of siblings I'm still close to. She doesn't have much of a relationship with her half/step siblings and that does make me sad. She has a huge, brilliant extended family on my side, but it does make me feel guilty that I can't give her what my parents gave me.

[Bringmewineandcake]

You've offered so many alternatives that I can't see how on earth this could be twisted against you if it did go to court.
for your DD, she sounds an intelligent and amazing little girl.

[GaelicSiog]

My mam wants to hijack this weekend and tell him she's not going. I've told her no, we think he's a little bit scared of my mam but I don't want him being able to say I've withheld a contact weekend.

To be fair, I probably sabotaged myself deleting the message history last time. Although some of the things he claimed were outrageous, they still didn't see through him. He's a manipulative cunt. Which is probably why I stayed with him for so long.

[girlywhirly]

I think that EXH won't be able to pull the same stunts that he did during the first contact court case. DD3 is now old enough to articulate what she wants, and also how how she is treated within daddy's family during contact. The lack of regard for her activity, and the preferential treatment of his other biological and step children will erode her self-esteem. Has he ever watched DD3 at the activity or spoken directly to her coach/trainer about her attainment and potential? Get that written report from them stating that DD3 has ability to compete but only if she attends all training. EXH will be made to look ignorant if he hasn't spoken to the coach, and also a bastard for not acknowledging and encouraging her in any way he can. The fact that DD3 is more upset about her activity than less time with daddy speaks volumes, as does not much of a relationship with the half/step siblings; or hasn't he noticed this.

For now I would do what is best for DD and gather your extended family around you both. Don't beat yourself up about the lone parent thing, even parents together can get things wrong.

If it did go back to court, it's worth remembering that you may not get the same judge again, and so any ruling could be very different.

[GaelicSiog]

He's never watched her compete. I do comps, even if they fall on his weekend. He does the bragging "DD got 1st in X" posts on Facebook.

I will be speaking to her coaches this weekend. Assuming I will be taking her, I've emailed him but haven't had a reply. So unless I hear otherwise I will be dropping DD there on Saturday morning and he will be collecting her after. If he doesn't show I'll go and get her. The small mercy is he isn't allowed my address, so he can't come and get her whether he likes it or not.

Re her activity, she's seen those kids every week, a few times a week, since she was 3. She's probably closer to them than she is to ex's family. At ex's she's meant to sleep in DD1's room with her but she throws a strop about this most weekends, so usually what happens is DD1 has a friend over for a sleepover and DD sleeps on the sofa bed. We had a similar sleeping arrangements drama at Christmas. They don't exactly go out of their way to make her feel welcome. Plus they're all very close in age, which doesn't help.

Yeah, even his lawyer was surprised at the deal he managed to pull off last time, I think. It upsets me more that they still sided with him despite the blatant lies that were proven to be lies, but I can't do anything about that now.

In an ideal world I would ask my mam to take her Saturday morning in case he shows up, but I want to talk to her coaches, and he has DSS1 to take to his activity so the chances are slim.

[girlywhirly]

The bragging posts are just that, anyone who knows you well will understand. It is a good point to raise as part of your defence if he tries going for 50/50 contact, as it demonstrates his lack of support for DD3. You would think that in the last few years he could have seen her compete at least once, talked to the coaches. Similarly what does he do with DD3 one to one, apart from sit in cars or watch the other kids. What is he doing to resolve the sleeping arrangements between DD1 and DD3 as the current ones are clearly not working and are causing resentment. How is he promoting good relationships between the resident DC and DD3.

[GaelicSiog]

Update.

Call to the house phone earlier, my mam was over and answered. It was DSS1 asking if he could speak to DD. Mam asks why. He says he really, really wants to try out X hobby and F and ex say he'll have to talk to DD about it DD was pretty much in bed at this point, thankfully. My mam got him to hand the phone over, F answered. Mam told her she and ex have until tomorrow morning to let me know whether they want me to pick DD up from practice tomorrow evening and take her back there on Saturday for them to get her, or whether they've sorted their arrangements and the usual Friday pick up from practice will continue. (Yes, she also goes on Friday afternoons but I get her there and they pick her up, it's just a pick up point that's in the middle of both houses). Posted a shortened version of the whole 50/50 thing on the divorce and separation board, that made me feel better. So he has tonight to decide which option he would prefer. But I am livid.

[ElisavetaFartsonira]

You should be. But she's definitely going to her gymnastics this weekend then?

[Cuppaoftea]

I'd be concerned they'll pick her up tomorrow evening and then just not take her to her activity on Saturday.

It's appalling they would try and use her stepbrother to emotionally blackmail her over the phone. I realise your Mum meant well and it's fantastic she's so supportive of you but I think you need all communication to be by email or text from now on and insist it's only your ex who contacts you directly to make arrangements. If someone else phones ask your Mum to repeat that or if it's one of the children just to say DD can't talk now.

You need that written record if he's going to try and play manipulative games.

[GaelicSiog]

Oh, I've sent him a follow up email, since it was F who got put on the phone not ex. He says they're going to discuss it as a family. He has not learned not to leave a paper trail because I stupidly deleted it for him last time he threatened court. I agree though, I think she was taken aback by the whole thing.

They can't not take her tomorrow evening because they pick her up from there, and they can't have my address or they're breaching the court agreement. So no chance of them showing up here. They could just not take her Saturday morning, I'm just going to have to hope ex realises I will be even more livid if he does that. Unfortunately he knows I'm not great at standing up to him.

[CanaryFish]

Omg :( how awful that they did this.
Basically making the children fight among themselves as if your poor daughter wasn't pushed out enough.
No advice I'm sorry.
So sorry you and your daughter are going through this.

[GaelicSiog]

I think whichever one of them is behind it is hoping DD will be as much of a pushover as I have been when he puts his foot down, unfortunately :(

[Cuppaoftea]

Keep her with you til Saturday Op. He won't take her otherwise and your DD will be put in the most horrible and upsetting situation.