Who is BU? Contact weekends and DCs

[GaelicSiog]

This will be long, sorry. I don't want to drip feed.

Two families.

L is DM and R is DF to DD3
L and R split before DD was born, R remarried to F. F has DD1, DD2 and DS1 from a previous relationship, and F and R have DTS2 and DTS3 together.

DD3 lives with L, and has contact with R EOW. Other DCs live with F and R, with DD1, DD2 and DS1 having contact with their dad every month.

DD3 attends an activity on Saturday mornings. Activity takes up the whole morning. DD3 has been doing this activity since she was 3 and the hours it takes up have increased as she's gotten older. DD3 is now 7. L signed her up for this activity. DD3 attends this activity every Saturday morning whichever weekend it is and has done since R managed to get a contract agreement set up. On contact weekends R takes DD3 to activity and picks her up. F takes DD1 and DD2 to another activity.

DS1 has decided he would like to start an activity which also runs on a Saturday morning. Closest place to do this is a 45 minute drive away, which means R cannot drop off DD3 and take DS1. R suggests that DD3 no longer attends her activity on contact weekends and can choose instead if she would like to go with R or F. She will still get to attend on weekends with L.

DD3 is upset because coaches at her activity say she cannot do comps if she doesn't come every weekend. L suggests contact hours are changed, DD3 stays with her Saturday mornings and is dropped with R and F after this activity. R isn't happy with his contact being shortened, and suggests DD3 arrive on Friday afternoon as normal, L picks her up Saturday morning and takes her to activity and drops her back after. L says she is not a taxi service. Parent of friend of DD3 who also attends her activity lives near F and R and offers to help with lifts. R isn't comfortable with this.

L tells R DD3 has said she feels her dad is putting his stepson ahead of her. She says R and F's solution isn't fair because it favours the resident DC. R and F feel L is using this as another excuse to scale back contact. R does not want to spend the morning driving back and forth taking both DCs every other Saturday.

If you're still with me, who is being unreasonable in this situation? Sorry for the length.

Ex has never lived with DD3 full time, if that's at all relevant. I feel like it might be.

If F pushed for contact then it's obvious he's already a shit father.

Honestly is she gaining anything from this man?

If he says no, I'd keep DD3 until activity finished. If he wants to see her then, let him.

If not, I'd honestly just let it fizzle out.

It's crap not knowing your Dad but it's even shittier to have a Dad that isn't even that bothered.

There's a court agreement in place for contact, so it isn't as easy as just not sending her. Unless he stops taking her, then he's the one ignoring the agreement.

I would have quite happily gone down the no contact no maintainance route. At that was what we did for a while. I really don't know how DD would feel about cutting it off though. This isn't the first incident like this, but she doesn't come home upset every weekend she's there either. He's an average dad in terms of how he is with her, besides this shit. He's not great, but there are worse out there.

I've always said I hope F is treated a heck of a lot better than I was. At this point she has 5 kids, either way she has a lot invested to stay with him. Christmas etc is a nightmare because three different families to coordinate. Four if you include F's ex's new partner's kids.

Ewe L i sthe old wife, the OP, the mum, the step mum/new wife is F.

OP "For now the solution is DD gets to sit in the car for 45 mins each way every Saturday if they get their way. Apparently I'm being unfair because she could choose to go with F instead." why would your dd choose to spend time with her step mum while her dad ferries his step son around!

I'm being unfair you are not being unfair OP. Your DD is not being unfair. Get her to state her case clearly in a letter and or an email, her words, you just scribe if necessary. She has done this activity for ages and is (presumably) good at it. Her coaches can attest to that.

Her father's top priory should be that the limited time he has with his daughter be quality time that make her happy and not something that fits in with his large second family.

He is doing down the road that will lead to her feeling alienated from him, and probably quite angry.

The boy will need to find an alternative activity/alternative day/time.

This unpleasant situation could even drive a rift between your dd and her step brother, which is not nice for either. The boy needs to know you do not get to displace anther activity because you fancy it.

Plus what is the boys own father doing? Are there no grandparents, friends, relatives who could help with the boy when his step dad is busy with his own daughter?

Hope this works out OP. Your ex is going to build resentment and your dd may well vote with her feet when she is older, what a shame.

This happened to me with my children. It's horrible and I'm still not over it. My daughter is a great gymnast, was looking to increase training, competitions etc but ex wouldn't cooperate. He has her eow and said it was at the detriment of their time together. What? We also have an 8yo son together.

I'd love to know what is more important, as it's really not clear. He goes to the park with them (fine but she's ten ffs) and wet walks around national trust properties. She's bored, but it's their 'quality time' apparently. And yes, his new wife has a child who has ample opportunity to do his hobbies.

snorymcsnoreson What does "He has her eow and said it was at the detriment of their time together." mean?

I am sorry to hear your ex did not value your child's hobby. My dd has nt stuck at anything yet, which is fine, but if she did I hope I would have the decency to respect her choices.

The whole picture slotted together is like something from a soap. Ex and I were never married, were over before DD was born. He was with F very soon after that, I've never got to the bottom of exactly when. DS1 is the same age as DD. F's older kids' father was still in the picture at the time, ex was the OM. Didn't lend to a great relationship with the kid's dad. They see him one weekend a month which is a fairly recent improvement, but don't have much of a relationship with his extended family. DS1 in particular probably has more of a relationship with ex.

The letter is a good idea, Italian. I need to get something sorted for this weekend. Even if it's a temporary arrangement. DD has made it quite clear she wants to go to her session and then to daddy's. In that order.

snory it's shit, isn't it? :( I'm so sorry your DD had to miss out on that. It's rubbish when they have to watch the other kids get everything handed to them.

So she goes there (with her brother) Saturday morning to Monday morning every other weekend.

Previously gymnastic training etc could be fitted in around this. She improved. She got he chance to do more, but like the op it has to be every weekend.

He wouldn't commit to take her on his weekends. He said he'd miss time with her.

If he'd have said what he was doing (activity/church/study) anything instead of her hobby that I could understand, then I'd love to have heard it. There's nowt.

Sorry for the merail OP, but I have every sympathy.

GaelicSiog understanding a bit of the back story does explain (not excuse) why your ex is not really willing to go out to bat for his dd more actively.

I am not experienced in these things but I wonder if you can appeal to his better nature, his desire to be fair, his desire for a future relationship with his dd and maybe also in some small way his desire to make a 'stand'/be a 'better man'.

Because if he gives in to every single request to ferry every one of his extended family around, your dd will get a very small slice of the 'cake' that is him.

His other kids live with him full time and his step children have him a lot more and their own dad (although that relationship is not great).

He is now in a small way replicating that not great relationship with his own dd, IMHO. Can you appeal to him to be the 'better man'.

Not at all, snory. venting helps!

I'm determined to prevent that scenario, especially for DS1's benefit. The only solution ex will accept is I pick her up from his and drop her back. Not happy with that at all, but I will do it this weekend if necessary. While we come up with a better agreement. You'd think as their fathers they'd care about them loving this stuff. Or not.

The not wanting her to get a lift thing is probably linked to him thinking I will have poisoned her friends' parents' minds with terrible stories about how awful our relationship was and how he originally denied DD was his. I'm mean like that.

I hope you manage to persuade him Gaelic. Do you know if your DD has spoken to him directly?

Italian I think you have him sussed out. In some ways he probably does have a closer relationships with his stepson, which is understandable, but hard for DD.

I had a very, very late discovered pregnancy. It was after ex and I had split and it was a total shock for everyone involved. Ex originally denied DD was his and accused me of trying to get him back. Hell no. He did a u turn a while later along with F. It is an utter mess, and not a mess of my creation, which I know sounds horribly smug but I didn't knowing bring DD into this. 6 kids from three different families competing for 2 adults attention every weekend plus the rivalry that goes on there isn't fun. And then there's the bedrooms and the holidays and all that mess.

Over this, I suspect he's giving into what F wants. If I can make him see that actually it's F that's being unreasonable it will be her problem. I know it's unfair, but that's what happens in a blended family like that. He does plenty of stuff during the week. I just don't want it backfiring on me.

We've already had a couple of contact issues this year, this latest one was dropped on me today with a few days notice.

DD spoke to him on the phone today when I rang. Of course, because I'm the one who told her, I'm influencing her reaction. According to F. I suspect she's a bigger problem than him here.

Op, I wish you were f or r instead of l as the answers might have shown them that they are being unfair to dd3.

I would say to r, that he either let's dd have a lift home with friends or picks her up from you after the activity on Saturday.

You have provided him with lots of solutions and he is bvu. I don't see why the other parents picking her up can't work.

Have I understood correctly that it's in the court order that he takes her to the activity

I asked DD again this morning. She says she would rather go to her dad's on Saturday afternoons rather than miss her activity. Partly because she doesn't want to miss it, partly because she doesn't want to do an hour and a half round trip in the car and have to sit and watch her stepbrother every other weekend. Which is fair enough. We're going to write down why she's upset for daddy later.

I can see a total standoff coming this Sunday because DD is adamant she will not go there until later if the plan is for her to sit in the car. But if I withhold contact I'm going against the court agreement.

DD has made quite a good point that her activity is 15 mins away and lasts for long enough that until now ex has dropped her and then had the morning at home with DS1. F's DDs' activity is 20 mins away and F usually takes the twins out to soft play while they wait. So there is a huge difference between what everyone is expected to do and what she is expected to do waiting, if you're with me. Ex and DD would be watching DS1 according to F's plan.

No, not in the court order that he takes her to the activity. Just that he gets her Friday night through to Sunday night EOW. He started having contact when she was around 2 which increased gradually to EOW, by the time he had her overnight she was going to this activity on Saturday mornings. It's never been an issue until now, even though stepkids have pretty much been around since she was born.

does R know that dd not attending every week means no competitions? You need to explain it as he is telling her she has to give up a sport she has invested over half her life in so that ds can try something out.

Acknowledge it is difficult, juggling different needs and kids. But dd is being asked to make an enormous sacrifice, which isn't fair. It will make her hate her df and resent his family.

The six week plan sounds fair, or getting a friend to drop her off. Though I don't understand why it's beyond dd's dad to sort it out himself, without you having to do all the running.

Surely even with the court order it has to take into account what DD wants as she is 7, your not refusing contact just trying to find a solution that gets everyone being able to do their activities. Might be time to take it back to court and if you have these negotiations by text/email it will show you are trying to do everything possible to keep to contact while still thinking in the best interests of DD who would rather do her activity and spend less time with her dad than miss it and get more time.

Op your ex is being unreasonable. Your dd should do her activity.
If he doesn't see sense I would seek legal action tbh.

DD3 has said she feels her dad is putting his stepson ahead of her. I agree with DD3.

It is confusing. I had to draw a diagram.

If dd talking to him doesn't work I would do the ferrying in the short term and then tell him you are going back to court as he is not putting the best interest of the child first.

He's crossing a line in the sand. Does he want to be a father to her or not