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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask about confidentiality

231 replies

SoyaCoconutOrAlmond · 18/04/2017 19:18

DH is an addict. Has been for a while. He managed to stop through sheer willpower and started again.

Clearly he needs professional help. Problem is he works for the NHS and people have been suspended/struck off for being addicted .

Is there any way he can obtain professional support without it compromising his career?

OP posts:
ilovechocolates · 19/04/2017 17:44

I have to say I don't understand the fear of losing his job. As I said before, as a manager I would support the individual to get the help and support they needed and every manager I've come across would do the same. Also, as a HCP I do not want to get struck off and therefore I would inform my employer and get the help I needed, whether or not I was not affecting patient safety. I worked long and hard to get my state registration and I will protect it at all costs. I don't understand people who don't tbh.
To me this is a non-issue. Addiction is a medical problem and therefore will be treated as such

ilovechocolates · 19/04/2017 17:45

*whether or not I was affecting patient safety

Original poster
SoyaCoconutOrAlmond · 29/04/2017 12:53

I can't get DH to go with any of these suggestions.

What on earth can I do? Sad I can see it's getting out of control but I just feel helpless.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 29/04/2017 13:10

Can you not appeal to his professional ethics?

Bourdic · 29/04/2017 13:21

OK here are your options

  1. Do nothing and cross your fingers that it all stays hidden. If it comes out because others discover it, then hopefully his employers may support him but his regulatory body may be less forging given that he's been hiding it
  2. Report him yourself - anonymously to his employers - then as above.
Original poster
SoyaCoconutOrAlmond · 29/04/2017 13:24

I've tried. It's so hard as he won't really accept there's a problem he can't control.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 29/04/2017 13:28

Perhaps he's right - perhaps he is in control. But can he not see that if it gets discovered, that then he will be out of control of the situation?

Does he wish to remain an addict?

Do you wish to remain married and parenting with a addict?

Original poster
SoyaCoconutOrAlmond · 29/04/2017 13:32

I wish it was my call to make! I can't force him to access any help and I just get point blank refusal to discuss (hed kill me if he knew I'd posted this) and so I feel like there's nothing I can do. Maybe there's not and that's the nature of addiction.

OP posts:
Lara44 · 29/04/2017 13:49

Difficult one Soya, it's incredibly frustrating to deal with someone who just refuses to engage despite their actions impacting on the whole family.

You said your DH is clean when he's off work. Do you think it's work causing the stress that's leading to self medication? Depending your DH's area of expertise it might be possible to pursue a career in research (for example) that might be more manageable in terms of fewer hours, less front line stress.

Do you think your DH might go to marriage counselling with you?

JanetBrown2015 · 29/04/2017 13:50

Do you know if it is affecting his work or not? A lot of functioning addicts and indeed people with things like depression can work perfectly competently. Much depends on the scale of the addiction.

If he might lose his job and you don't work then one of the best protections for the family might be if you go back to full time work just in case he does lose his job.

Original poster
SoyaCoconutOrAlmond · 29/04/2017 14:09

It would destroy him if he lost his job. Not that I think he will - afaik it's not impacting on him in work - but his whole identity is caught up in it. This is what I'm so so worried about. He's more vulnerable than he'd ever let on.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 29/04/2017 14:21

soya, you are right, there is nothing you can do directly. You can't tell anyone (particularly an addict) what to do, they are in denial. This is important for you to realise - their thinking is twisted because of the addiction. If there is one thing that's really important to remember it is this.

The one thing you can do is to say what you will accept. If you cannot accept to live in the knowledge of this situation and the potential repercussions you can say this. And then of course he has a choice. But you can only say this if you really mean it. And take action if he doesn't change. This gives you control of yourself- you can't control him. Sorry you are going through this it must be hard Flowers.
But remember, it's his choice to do this, and your choice whether you live with it.

Squeegle · 29/04/2017 14:22

Yes he is vulnerable - however you have to allow him to accept this realisation, you can't coddle him in this. I say all this from experience- you have to let the addict confront the reality.

Squeegle · 29/04/2017 14:24

What makes you think it's suddenly getting out of control?

Original poster
SoyaCoconutOrAlmond · 29/04/2017 14:30

Thanks.

It's hard to put into words really but I feel like the meds are holding him up. Thank you for such insightful posts. I just wish I knew what to do for the best!

OP posts:
isupposeitsverynice · 29/04/2017 14:37

Get in touch with Families Anonymous - they can support you. You can't make him do anything. Like pp said you can only decide what you are willing to tolerate. With regards to lying, I think the thing is that most addicts are lying to themselves to start with, so in a way they're not lying when they say to you everything's under control because they believe that. It doesn't make it true but it's not as simple as being able to tell someone's lying.

Original poster
SoyaCoconutOrAlmond · 29/04/2017 14:49

Thanks, I don't think he's intentionally lying but he is, in a way.

OP posts:
JaneEyre70 · 29/04/2017 15:23

www.narconon.org/drug-abuse/codeine-signs-symptoms.html

I think to be honest OP that if he is working with medical professionals in any way shape or form, they will see that he is using opiates. If not from his pupils alone.
You can't make him get help, and I appreciate your concerns about his profession but this isn't going to go away and he is never going to see the risks of his addiction. He could be seriously harming himself with prolonged usage and could be two tablets away from a seizure whilst driving you and your children. That's the harsh reality.
In your shoes, I'd be looking for some professional support so that you feel that you can make an informed decision what to do next. I really feel for you, it must be horrendous.

Original poster
SoyaCoconutOrAlmond · 29/04/2017 15:56

Maybe he's not using then as much as I think as no ones said anything. I don't know!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 29/04/2017 18:02

As soon as "someone" says something it's game over, isn't it? Then he's going to get pulled into the disciplinary system and events will unfold as they are going to.

Echoing PPs, you can decide what you want to do. You can't make him do anything- you can appeal to his intelligence (better to be ahead of the game by getting help to quit now, than losing control), you can appeal to his emotions (you are worried for him and the family, please put us above the drugs), but you cannot make him do anything, ultimately he must decide.

You can control your own reactions and decisions though.

Are you happy to have an addict as a husband and father to your children? Are you happy to live under the shadow of his job perhaps being pulled from him suddenly?

If not, you can explore how to move forward for yourself and your children.

MatildaTheCat · 29/04/2017 18:29

I wouldn't rely on someone noticing his pupils or odd behaviour. I take significant doses of opiates for pain and unless you knew you'd never guess.

What is highly concerning is how he is accessing the meds and whether this is even legal. He may take more and more risks to get hold of meds and eventually end up in absolute disgrace.

It's an awful situation for you both. I would be inclined to say that you want to support him but cannot stand back and allow him to continue as things are. He needs to take a sabbatical and get treatment or you need to consider if this is what you want for you and your family. I'm sure you have normalised many very abnormal behaviours over the years. One day your DC will begin to notice, too.

Original poster
SoyaCoconutOrAlmond · 29/04/2017 18:31

I probably have, Matilda ... I don't know though. He's always going to be the father of my children. Always.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 29/04/2017 18:37

Most NHS Trusts have policies that say they actively support staff who seek help for an addiction. This would mean, for example, providing counselling, sick leave etc. This will vary within trusts, but your DP needs to look at his local policies and find out. If he doesn't come clean and is found out, he will lose his job and depending on what he does, will lose his registration too.

NoSquirrels · 29/04/2017 18:39

He's always going to be the father of your children. But that does not mean you need to stand by as he fucks everything up. What you do with the situation is up to you - you cannot make him stop, you cannot make him access treatment, but you can decide if you wish to continue colluding with him in his addiction.

Original poster
SoyaCoconutOrAlmond · 29/04/2017 18:40

According to DH though they don't support, he thinks differently.

OP posts: