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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask about confidentiality

231 replies

SoyaCoconutOrAlmond · 18/04/2017 19:18

DH is an addict. Has been for a while. He managed to stop through sheer willpower and started again.

Clearly he needs professional help. Problem is he works for the NHS and people have been suspended/struck off for being addicted .

Is there any way he can obtain professional support without it compromising his career?

OP posts:
Ollycat · 18/04/2017 21:24

Yes Instasista it is the OP asking for help and she needs to stop believing tge words of an addict, enabling his addiction and allowing her children to be driven by him. She has asked for help and these are things she must do.

Original poster
SoyaCoconutOrAlmond · 18/04/2017 21:24

Maybe it depends who gets your case but in any case, DH won't engage with anything linked to healthcare whether NHS or private - I suppose it's like a dentist having a rotten tooth.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoyaCoconutOrAlmond · 18/04/2017 21:25

I do believe him olly, you would too, if you knew him.

OP posts:
FruitCider · 18/04/2017 21:25

I would never believe an addict about their using habits. I say that as a substance misuse nurse. Sorry x

Ollycat · 18/04/2017 21:29

And SoyaCoconutOrAlmond you would have believed my dh. He lied and I'm as certain as I can be that your dh is. The only thing he cares about is his next fix. I am genuinely so so sorry you are in this situation Flowers

Babymamamama · 18/04/2017 21:32

So he has Codeine addiction which is very very common. Opiate based which would cause feelings of euphoria and relaxation. Which why he is edgy when he stops using.

Ollycat · 18/04/2017 21:32

Your dh - when clean - is probably a fantastic honourable person but an addict when using is not that person.

taytopotato · 18/04/2017 21:35

Im concerned that you might not know the true extent of his addiction and I suspect he is a nurse as the nurses have the responsibility for the drugs cupboard.

This really wont end well as he hasnt addressed his issues and it seems

His addiction is entrenched on his home life so there's a high probability that he takes it at work. He is compromising patient safety. I do not want to be looked aftet by someone who is not in full control of their thoughts and actions.

Original poster
SoyaCoconutOrAlmond · 18/04/2017 21:37

Not one thing in your post is correct tayto, I'm afraid.

OP posts:
FruitCider · 18/04/2017 21:39

Your dh - when clean - is probably a fantastic honourable person but an addict when using is not that person

Exactly. Most of my patients are lovely, once they have been stabilised/detoxed. Before that point they can be horrendous, usually understating their drug use to the psychosocial team, overstating it to me to try and get more meds (drugs), engaging in dishonest and manipulative behaviour, team splitting, emotional blackmail. That is their addiction talking, it is not the person, but OP to even deny this side of addiction in your OH has left me feeling sad as I do not believe you understand the problem, nor the nature of addiction.

Flowers
ilovechocolates · 18/04/2017 21:40

I'm a HCP and a NHS manager. I have to say that if a member of staff came to me and told me that they had an addiction but wanted treatment then I'd support them, refer to OH and any other support services, no problem.
If I found out that someone had an addiction and was hiding it, completely different story. I'd support them to get help but it would have a different focus. Any state registration body would have a dim view of it also.
Don't hide, always admit and seek treatment.
I was prescribed a drug that I knew affected my ability to do my job. And I didn't want to put patients or staff at risk. I told my manager, who referred me to OH, restrictions made on my practice to accommodate this- nothing major, and everyone was supportive throughout.
It clearly states in my registration body info that if I have a change in health then I MUST inform my employer and the state registration body or else I could be struck off.
I can't imagine it being any different for your husband. He must get help and he must protect patients. Perhaps difficult for you in this situation but you need to try to persuade him to do that right thing.

HorridHenryrule · 18/04/2017 21:42

He must be a nightmare to live with and far will your loyalty go. If he loses his job he will have to start again and re skill. He has to give up he is putting you and your kids future at risk. He sounds emotionally unstable and it always comes out in the end. If he don't like the job which by the sounds he doesn't or he wouldn't need drugs to keep him calm he should leave. Go back to college and learn something new.

Ollycat · 18/04/2017 21:50

FruitCider you are so right - having sat in therapy sessions being blamed for everything and listened to my dh minimising excusing his actions were some of the most disturbing things in my life. My dh drove my kids whilst under the influence- before I was really aware of the problem- after I faced up to the situation I took all the car keys and kept them on me at all times- I slept with them even! Whilst in rehab I asked my dh why he drove the kids and he said he would rather do that - and risk killing them then face up to the situation. This is the reality of addiction and I'm so so sorry OP but this is your reality and it is monumentally shit.

There is a way forward - my dh was medically detoxes and spent 28+ days in residential rehab. It was hard. I was ver very hurt and untrusting. But a couple of years down the line things are better - we can be a family and the children can have a father.

April229 · 18/04/2017 21:53

AA are anonymous and are used by people with a range of addictions- he could go to some meetings for support and seek options for something more significant there where people are there to help without judgement, they don't break confidentiality.

redshoeblueshoe · 18/04/2017 22:04

What is your H actually doing about it ?

plasticpotato · 18/04/2017 22:10

gah, is he denying any of his patients their pain relief?

That would be my first concern.

my ex did this - luckily (?) he got caught by fellow staff. The NHS really looked after him: rehab, after-care, but mostly NA. He was VERY lucky to not get struck off. It broke my world when I found out, I was pregnant with our first. He concealed it all of our relationship, I never knew.

My exh isn't allowed to sign prescriptions etc now, so there are a few restrictions on his GMC contract but has developed and excelled in another field. Good Luck.

WyfOfBathe · 18/04/2017 22:11

I almost screamed at a student when she told me she'd been in a car with driver who had been smoking weed. Why would you allow your DC in a car with someone addicted to presumably something much stronger?

You can't make your DH get help, and I don't know enough about NHS employee rules to comment on that, but you can make the decision to keep your DC safe.

plasticpotato · 18/04/2017 22:12

This isn't unusual, as others have said, in the NHS. The only thing that concerns me he is being buffeted from a 'rock bottom'

plasticpotato · 18/04/2017 22:19

sorry to be banging on but it seems that there might be a bit of co-dependency going on - you need to hit this head on. he needs to talk to his union. stop supporting or ignoring what's going on. it's not normal. You can talk to Al-Anon, they will be good for advice for you.
x

nickienackienoo · 18/04/2017 22:20

OP I really feel for you - you're between a rock and a hard place. Loyalty to OH, yet aware something is radically wrong and it's on your conscience.

I agree with those who say you (albeit unintentionally) are minimising his addiction. It doesn't affect patients. He's in control. Etc.

Please, if you take nothing else away from this thread, please please believe that your OH will not have told you the extent of his addiction and the lengths he has gone/will go to, to get his 'fix'. Whether that be going round numerous pharmacies to get his codeine so suspicion isn't aroused (I apologise if codeine isn't the drug, but it's the most common and you haven't denied it when hinted at in this thread). Or 'doctoring' scrips at work.

Ultimately, while an addict he's a danger to himself, and a danger to those he works with/for whilst actively addicted.

I know how hard this is. I know how you absolutely believe he would never harm anyone and isn't a risk. I buried my head in the sand too.

I had to give an ultimatum at the end of day - either he got help, or I would report him. It tore me apart but I knew in my heart of hearts I would never forgive myself if anything had happened to my child, his clients, or even to him.

Please take the blinkers off x

Ollycat · 18/04/2017 22:24

Agree totally OP you are allowing this to happen.

Your worst case scenario is that he is struck off - you see this as being worse then him killing someone and you are covering up for him to allow him to continue. You are covering up so much you put your dc in the car with him.

Can you not see how skewed your judgement is - and if yours is this skewed try and hazard a guess what his is like!

Ollycat · 18/04/2017 22:29

OP you have at least 3 partners of addicts and a range of people working with addicts all telling you the same thing. Please listen to us. Your post has really troubled me - I'm not one to stick to a thread - please take action- phone a rehab place yourself and have a chat with someone- phone al anon - but please please do something.

Bourdic · 18/04/2017 22:29

ilovechocolate is absolutely right - what leads to being struck off/suspended is covering up, being honest and seeking help will not. You cannot be struck off for a health problem but for lying and dishonesty you can. Trust me I know

Bourdic · 18/04/2017 22:31

OP I hope you are not a registered HCP because you will be in serious trouble if you are and are colluding in a cover up

peachgreen · 18/04/2017 22:43

I have to say I disagree that OP is getting a hard time - I think people are being extraordinarily gentle with her given she's knowingly endangering her children's lives and covering up for her husband who is potentially endangering the lives of his patients. A codeine addiction is no joke.