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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU husband went out with couples friends without me

226 replies

Flobird61 · 18/04/2017 06:24

I'll try to make a long story short. My husband wanted to take me to a concert but waited for the last minute and could only get 1 ticket. I wanted to go with him so he said if he couldn't get another ticket he would sell his. A group of his couple friends we're going so we'd make a night of it.
Well he couldn't get another ticket so I said that it wasn't really fair to go on his own so he should sell it. Well he didn't and buggered off to this concert with all of his friends he was the only single one. Then to rub salt into the wound I had to watch pictures all evening popping up on FB with selfies of them all.
It really upset me and it caused a massive row. He said he was really sorry but it didn't look like that from his pictures.
I would have never done this to him.
AIBU

Ps. I don't mind if he has nights out without me but this felt we should have gone together

OP posts:
TheReefer · 18/04/2017 11:23

Bit overdramatic there, Reefer, OP is posting on AIBU for discussion. But I can see where you are coming from, sorry things haven't worked out better for you with women

Not that I have a problem with anyone, but why would you think I am a lesbian?

MaisyPops · 18/04/2017 11:42

I think there are clearly two separate issues going on then, your illness and the night out - that is understandable

I think so.
There's a few different things going on.

On the night out, he wasnt being awful. Much has been made about how the OP was really looking forwars to getting dressed up and going etc. Then thry BOTH should have BOOKED TICKETS and not relied on favours.
The entire ticket situation is a nonissue as if it was a big deal/lovely weekend then they should have booked. Its not rocket science.

The OP is clearly feeling down over a few other things that have gone on and that is entirely understandable. The thing to do is for OP and her DH to BOOK something for the two of them as a lovely treat. That way they are both on the same page about the purpose/nature of the arrangemeng.

Simple. Want to have a fixed prearranged treat? Book something specifically.

BillSykesDog · 18/04/2017 12:00

Can you talk to DH about planning some nights out together? It sounds like you're really ready to start living again and he may not realise that.

WannaBe · 18/04/2017 12:04

OP, aibu is where posters come when they're having a bad day and want to put the boot into someone. It's the worst part of MN, and the worst of all of it is that HQ are proud of it.

It's very clear that people have deliberately twisted what you've written to suit their own agenda's.

It seems very clear to me that you brought up having been to the festival previously and the fact he went to London with his son as examples of the fact that you're obviously not controlling and preventing him from having a life, contrary to what some seem to think, and the fact that the last time you went to anything musical you slept through it because of your illness.

Added to which, if posters actually read the thread, they would see that the OP stated that the reason she didn't get involved in buying the tickets was because it was DH's friend and he'd said he would sort it.

I am absolutely not of the LTB persuasion, however, it does seem fairly obvious that your DH had no intentions of taking you to this gig, and that the ticket was most likely pre-arranged between him and his mates, given they all got to go together. My references to whether or not he might be feeling entitled to time out were based on the fact that if this does come up in discussion, he may well make that kind of claim.

You are absolutely not unreasonable to be upset. But I would have an honest conversation with him along the lines of: "look, it seems very obvious to me that you wanted to go to the gig and didn't want me to go, so why could you not just tell me that in the beginning rather than go with all this subterfuge around tickets and then no tickets and one ticket, the more complicated it got the more obvious it is that you didn't want me there." And then talk about it. If you generally have a close relationship then you should be able to talk about it without it blowing up into an argument, and what's done is done, but if there is some thought process in his head which means he wants to be doing stuff without you then you need to know what it is so you can talk about it at least.

Smeaton · 18/04/2017 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sallystyle · 18/04/2017 12:34

Did anyone actually tell the OP to LTB?

Aeroflotgirl · 18/04/2017 12:38

I agree Flo, there have been some downright nasty and horrid posts, shame on you, who have posted such posts, the op is recovering from a serious illness, and was quite rightly hurt by her husbands thoughtless, and selfish behaviour, not that he went out without her. A lot of you are waaaay off the mark.

Flo sit down with your dh, and tell him how his behaviour made you feel. Plan a concert out with both of you.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/04/2017 12:39

smeaton there is giving straight honest advice, and and being downright rude and nasty, as some have been on here.

Ceto · 18/04/2017 12:39

But then if I found out all of his mates wives we're going I'd be miffed as I'm sure most of you would. Then you assume there's something wrong

Why? They could get tickets, you couldn't. OK, maybe your husband shouldn't have relied on his friend, but hindsight is always dangerous.

AppleOfMyEye10 · 18/04/2017 12:51

Yanbu op! My dh firstly wouldn't have bought one ticket 'hoping' to get another. How selfish of him to just go off then and leave you knowing you also would have liked to go.

Lucked · 18/04/2017 12:51

I think YABU, he changed his mind about going because it was clearly going to be a good night out which became more apparent as the time grew nearer. He should be allowed to change his mind, it is a night out not a life changing event. Why would he sell a ticket for a great night out. Yes he made a mistake but things happen.

The whole "rubbing salt in a wound because they posted on facebook" sounds
so petty. He had fun, they had fun and it's a shame you couldn't be there but get a grip.

TheReefer · 18/04/2017 13:03

who have posted such posts, the op is recovering from a serious illness

and all sympathies for that

However, five pages of debate had gone by, until this huge life changing illness was deemed as relevant.

TheReefer · 18/04/2017 13:04

So people would have had no idea - we can only talk about what we are told

HouseworkIsASin10 · 18/04/2017 13:14

YANBU. It looks like your DH had no intention of selling the single ticket.

He was going regardless, therefore he is a selfish fucker.

IF he had at least offered to stay home and miss the concert then any normal person would tell him to go and enjoy himself. But he didn't even offer.

Would totally piss me off if it was a night out we were looking forward to going to together. I would not be looking forward to it if my DP was stuck at home missing out.
There's no way I would enjoy myself if that was the case.

Looks like he's got no conscience.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/04/2017 13:17

Exactly house, that is why op is upset. If he showed consideration to op, she woukd nnot have felt this way.

ilovechoc1987 · 18/04/2017 13:25

I think you have a selfish husband.
I would never do that neither would my husband.
We're not attached at the hip, but if we both desperately wanted to see a certain concert we wouldn't leave one of us out.

whattodowiththepoo · 18/04/2017 13:29

Not RTFT but I can't believe any amount of dripping would change my mind. YABU.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 18/04/2017 14:05

Not RTFT but I can't believe any amount of dripping would change my mind. He's a selfish prick and and YANBU. I can't belive the number of posters who think otherwise! Sometimes AIBU is on a world of its own. Wannabe - I think you pretty much wrapped it up.

OP - I am so sorry for you. personally I'd have changed the locks when he was out, but that's your call.

BillSykesDog · 18/04/2017 14:21

wannabe. I don't know how you have the brass neck to accuse other people of twisting the OP to suit their agenda when you've made up a narrative on zero evidence that he had a cunning plan all along not to take the OP.

And I can guarantee that if this was posted the other way around and a woman was saying her partner expected her to forgo a night out with her friends if he couldn't go, the thread would be full of accusations of control and abuse and calls to LTB.

Mumsnet hypocrisy at it's finest.

laughwithmeleelee · 18/04/2017 14:27

For me it depends if I wasn't that bothered about the people playing at the concert then I would have quietly been a bit narked but to myself and wouldn't mind him going! But if it was someone we both loved equally I would be a little bit pissed off cause if we both loved them then as equals no one should miss out over the other or I would have made a deal like "you go and enjoy yourself but your doing pooey nappies for a month" hahahaha

Ceto · 18/04/2017 14:28

We're not attached at the hip, but if we both desperately wanted to see a certain concert we wouldn't leave one of us out.

Goodness, we would. I'm sure both DH and I would take the view that there is no point both of us sitting at home if there's a ticket available. And we'd probably work on the basis that if the other people were going were mainly his friends or mine, then the one whose friends they are would go.

ilovechoc1987 · 18/04/2017 14:29

*Ceto
*
I just can't have fun knowing the person I love missed out. If you can then great, but I'm not that sort of person.

BillSykesDog · 18/04/2017 14:33

But choc an awful lot more people would feel incredibly guilty and sad if their partner missed out on a fun night out with their friends that they really wanted to go to for their sake.

IMO that is a much healthier reaction than not being able to enjoy yourself without your partner, primarily because a good partner wouldn't make you feel bad about it.

ilovechoc1987 · 18/04/2017 14:35

*Billsykesdog
*
It's never ok to make a partner feel left out, which is what OPs partner has done.
It was the way he went about it, it was sneaky and inconsiderate, especially the fb posts. He needs to grow up.

Bluntness100 · 18/04/2017 14:44

Op I think everyone gets you wanted to go with your partner and have fun with him and his friends at the concert. However there was no ticket available. It was never an option. As others said the focus of the question you asked was were you being unreasonable to be so upset and caused a massive row because he went without you.

You started off by saying when he got the one ticket you told him that wasn't fair as you couldn't go and told him to sell it. This then changes to him saying he will sell it, maybe he agreed, who knows. Either way the key point is for many folks he shouldn't have been told to sell it because you couldn't go too. You should have organised something else you could both do as well. For some others they would also expect their spouse to sell it and miss out also.

Different strokes for different folks. Just organise something else and move past it if your relationship is good otherwise.